From Emily McDowell

There was a whole lot of bizarro world going on at the Miss Universe pageant. I made it easy for you by captioning each contestant in their costume in the parade of countries with their country. I also gave them more accurate titles because I can’t help myself.

Let’s get started. The Universe isn’t going to caption itself.

But seriously is Peru known for mermaids? What in Hans Christian Andersen hell is this? Am I missing something? Even Ariel would have walked out there.

This is Just a Friday Night for Me. It’s Sunday? Well, shit. Is there booze? I was told this was open bar. Can somebody help me up?

This made me laugh. From Emily McDowell. I’ll post more of these before Christmas. Go spend some money on her site.

Holy crap.

Martha Stewart has a shoe line at Payless.

As y’all know, I’ve been going through my R.E.M. collection for a while now and I thought I’d share what is either my first or second favorite R.E.M. song, “Find the River.” The band has said it’s one of their favorites. It’s beautiful. The melody is perfect. The lyrics are lovely and descriptive, sort of sad with “the ocean is the river’s goal” and “all of this is coming your way,” which is welcoming and shows we’re all human and on this river together. It also closes out the album Automatic for the People, which had to be on purpose.

Enjoy.

I’m feeling R.E.M. lately. Here’s one of my favorite songs. I like the video because a) Michael Stipe barely shows his face who cares? b) it doesn’t look like they’re playing this song c) it’s sort of malicious.

“I could turn you inside out, what I choose not to do”

Do you know someone who likes to swear and cook? The swearing usually comes after I’ve started cooking at my house. Anyway, maybe your loved one would like this cookbook.

From the Amazon description:

This book is a lazy person’s dream with tasty AF dishes that require no effort. Peggy Glenn has made a name for herself with her hilarious YouTube videos, and now her cookbook is ready to take the reins with more than 75 recipes that truly deliver on deliciousness and sass. 

Some of Granny’s signature sh*t includes: Three-Ingredient Potato Salad (so you don’t show up to a potluck looking like a moocher), French Toast Casserole (for the whiny butts who want to end up in a f*ckin’ food coma) and Meaty Spaghetti Sauce (that got a “real Italian dude’s” blessing). Her life-tested favorites like Effin Amazing Chicken, Bad-Ass Beef and Broccoli and Magical Rice Bowl just skim the surface of the awesomeness that you hold in your hands. With side-splitting commentary, yummy dishes for every occasion and directions even the dumbest of cooks can follow, you’re all set to enter cookbook heaven.

Surely, you need to get this for someone.

Theme of my day.

Via Emily McDowell

For those of you who thought yesterday’s gift was too expensive, this one is a bargain. And it’s pretty much exclusive to me. Because who else do you know who loves Ben Folds more than me?

Yep, it’s a Scottish Getaway with Ben Fucking Folds. It’s the week after my birthday, so really, it’s a combo Christmas/birthday gift and I’ll love you forever.

I’ll let you look at my pretend boyfriend, Mr. Folds before telling you the price tag.

How can you people say no giving me a Scottish getaway for music and photography with this man?

All for only $4000. Not including airfare. The site also mentions it doesn’t include kilts, alcohol, or haggis. I’m fine with that.

My holiday gift guide has been nothing if not affordable — until now (and not counting the Spanish villa). If you know someone especially vain and a selfie won’t do, send them to the U.K. to sit for Miss Aneila to paint their portrait. I know what you’re saying, “Kerry, it’s awfully expensive to fly my loved one to London.” And then I’d laugh because the $150,000 price tag for the painting does not include flight or hotel.