I'm not myself this Christmas.  I've been in a great deal of pain since having my wisdom teeth extracted and I'm afraid my Christmas spirit is not where it usually is, but I can't expect it to be.  It was nice to see the following video that helped lift my spirits tonight, Christmas night.  For some unknown reason, letters have been coming to Santa at an apartment in New York City.  Who knew there were elves there?

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/bcvideo/1.0/iframe/embed.html?videoId=1248069482199&playerType=embed

I hope you had a nice Christmas with family and friends and enjoyed their presence more than their presents.  

The Ugly Christmas Lawn Decor contest winner will be awarded on New Year's Eve.  Sorry for the postponement, I know my readers understand.  

Tonight while my family went to a family Christmas party I watched one of my favorite movies for the third time this season. The Bishop’s Wife is simply wonderful. It’s a Christmas movie from 1947, but holds up better than most. It gives a lovely message of Christmas and that’s what I would like to share tonight.

Here is the closing sermon of The Bishops Wife:

“Tonight I want to tell you the story of an empty stocking.

“Once upon a midnight clear, there was a child’s cry, a blazing star hung over a stable, and wise men came with birthday gifts. We haven’t forgotten that night down the centuries. We celebrate it with stars on Christmas trees, with the sound of bells, and with gifts.

“But especially with gifts. You give me a book, I give you a tie. Aunt Martha has always wanted an orange squeezer and Uncle Henry can do with a new pipe. For we forget nobody, adult or child. All the stockings are filled, all that is, except one. And we have even forgotten to hang it up. The stocking for the child born in a manger. Its his birthday we’re celebrating. Don’t let us ever forget that.

“Let us ask ourselves what He would wish for most. And then, let each put in his share, loving kindness, warm hearts, and a stretched out hand of tolerance. All the shinning gifts that make peace on earth.”

Merry Christmas, dear readers.

So, while I'm semi-lucid I thought I'd tell y'all the story about the year I got my wisdom teeth removed for Christmas and spent the week in pain and on drugs.  

Oh wait, that's now.

I had my stupid wisdom teeth removed Tuesday.  Well, I had three removed. The fourth was fused to bone and couldn't be removed, despite my oral surgeon hitting it with a mallet several times BECAUSE WE'RE IN MEDIEVAL TIMES AND MEDICINE HAS NOT EVOLVED TO THE POINT WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HAMMERED IN THE FACE.  As if that wasn't a party on its own, one of my teeth had to be broken to be removed.  They gave me laughing gas, but I didn't laugh.  

So, was told I would have a lot of pain on the left side.  I was not prepared for the amount of pain I have had. We're talking knocked out by Mike Tyson pain. I was give pain killers, but they somehow choose when they want to work.  My face is pretty swollen on that side as well.  It's just the look I wanted for Christmas.  

They also lasered my frenulum, so my top lip is nice and swollen and the left corner of my mouth is a little ripped.  Ain't no kissing under the mistletoe this year.

Tonight my family went to a family Christmas party and I am home watching Iron Chef America with ice packs on my face.   I may or may not be up to the Christmas Eve party tomorrow night.  Maybe I'll just wait for Santa to come down the chimney so I can kick his ass for bringing me pain and suffering.  

Regarding having my wisdom teeth removed in the morning: it's not just me.  

This video was on The Daily What last week and I saved it for today because that's the kind of sick sense of humor I have.

It starts getting surreal around 3:54.  I'll leave it at that.  The only word for it is OMGWTFBBQ.

 

I told you.

Here's a remix of Kay Starr's "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm" to listen to while you read.  It has nothing to do with this post, but this is random after all.

04 I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm (Stuhr Remix)

Enjoyable.  I'm almost positive I heard that song for the first time in 1997 in a Lane Bryant in Atlanta.  My memory is full of  details like this.  And it is long.

Everything is getting on my nerves today.  Everything.

My wisdom teeth are about to kill me.  I know I'm having them extracted Tuesday, but for now they are waging war against me and at the moment they are winning.  To make it even better, everyone (including my oral surgeon) has told me that I should have had them removed when I was 17.  Well, excuuuuuuuuuuse me, I didn't have them when I was 17.  I was an early bloomer for everything except the wisdom teeth.  Seriously.

I hate the word "gherkin."

I don't eat them either.

There are lots of other things I don't like.  Like beer.  And wine.  And scary movies.  And most card games. And tuna unless it's on sushi.  And pepperoni.  Gross.

I bit the inside of my mouth this morning.  When I do this I think "I've been eating for 36 years and I haven't mastered the skill of chewing as not to bite the inside of my mouth like an idiot."  Do other people do this or is it just me?  

When I told my dear friend Kim that I was getting my wisdom teeth out I said "I will no longer be wise."  She said, "Kerry, that's a word no one would use to describe you."  Punk.

Kim was there for the birth of my oldest child (not in the delivery room, because this was when I still had some modesty). When Molly was born and Kim saw her brown hair, she said "no one will know if we start dying her hair red now."  Almost ten years later I'm not sure if she was joking.  

During the birth of my oldest child my obstetrician asked "have you had this mole looked at?"  True story. That's when the modesty thing became lost on me.  

I'm watching You've Got Mail.  It's one of my favorites.  I consider it a Christmas movie.  It was based on The Shop Around the Corner, which is definitely a Christmas movie and a classic.  I watched that yesterday.  I'd rather watch that Jimmy Stewart Christmas movie than It's a Wonderful Life.  

I once had Meg Ryan's hair cut from this movie.  

Is it weird that I only had spinach artichoke dip for lunch?

My new Keurig coffee machine is neato.  Coffee is one of the most delicious things on the planet.  

Coffee and cheesecake are the two most delicious things on the planet.  

I think I'm going to have some coffee.

It's the Saturday before Christmas.  I've watched old movies and wrapped gifts.  Tonight I plan on watching a documentary, followed by Love Actually.  Wild, I know.

Last night while looking at Christmas lights, Katie said "wow, they sure do have a lot of Christmas spirit" when we saw the tackiest house of the night.

It was this house.

No it wasn't.  But it would have been awesome if it were.

I am tired.  I would like to be sedated through Christmas after having my wisdom teeth extracted on Tuesday.  I see nothing wrong with this plan.  

Is it wrong that I've thought of busting out the Easy Bake Oven that's under the tree for one of my daughters and making some brownies with the mix that's included?  

If you haven't gotten a Christmas gift for your favorite red headed blogger yet, consider a barrel of Xanax.

The next house we build will have a drain in the kitchen floor like in a school cafeteria so I can just hose it down.  

My next house will also have a Kahlua cellar.  

When I read someone's post such as "oh, he was just being curious" after someone's status on Facebook about their child doing something irritating/destructive, I think "spoken like someone who does not have children of their own.  Moron."

I watched Carrie Fisher's show "Wishful Drinking" today.  She is honest and funny and has learned how to laugh at painful times in her life.  I admire her very much.

Does anyone else hate the Kay Jewelers commercials?  

Can someone bring me an eggnog shake from Sonic?

And some brownies from somewhere.

I have not *really* planned what we will have for Christmas lunch.  Do you think the hubs will notice if we only have pies?  A plethora of pies.

"Plethora" is my favorite word.

Have I ever told y'all the story of what I won at the Christmas banquet for the College of Education where I went to college?  I won tennis lessons with my advisor.  When this was announced, Dana turned to me and went "BWAHHHHHH!"

This advisor was also one of my library science professors (my minor).  Once in a class she said that her favorite word was "awkward" because it has a rhythm when you spell it out loud.  A-W-K-W-A-R-D.  

I haven't been able to stop saying "you know, it's that thing where someone calls Miss Piggy fat and she goes 'hi-yah!'" since last Saturday when Stefon was on Weekend Update on SNL.  I have a problem.

Somebody make me a mocha peppermint Russian.  Technically I'm not sure if that's what you call it because I'm not well versed in adult beverage knowledge, but go with me on this – delicious.

 

 

 

 

 

 

One of my favorites, Amy Sedaris, was on the Colbert Report with crafts from her book and I thought a reader or two could benefit by learning how to make some last minute crafts to give as gifts.

The Colbert Report	Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Amy Sedaris
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Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog</a> March to Keep Fear Alive

 If one of you doesn't do the cookie idea for a Christmas party I will be deeply disappointed. 

Christmas is next week.  Surprise!  I thought I'd give y'all a random update of things going on in my real life. Listen to one of my favorite Christmas songs, the Beef Wellington Remix of "Happy Holiday" while you read.

02 Happy Holiday (Beef Wellington Remix)

I still have a few gifts to get.  I have a self-imposed deadline of Friday for purchasing and Sunday for wrapping. I was caught up with wrapping until UPS and Fed Ex came today.  I'm pretty sure the delivery men hate my guts. I wouldn't blame them.  7 packages on one day is a bit much, even for me.

This year I will not be sending Christmas cards.  This makes me extremely upset because I'm me.  I couldn't get it together this year.  So, if you usually get a card from the Faler fam, just know you aren't the only one who didn't get a card.  But there will be a very special card on the blog.  

Kahlua makes a peppermint mocha flavor.  I'm borrowing Ina Garten's phrase, "how bad can that be?" to sum up my feelings on this development.

My five year-old now prefers the "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer/Roxanne" mash-up version of "Rudolph" to the original.  

My middle child does not like the song "Christmas in Hollis."  I am devastated.  Where have I failed as a parent? 

I'm also devastated because I have to get my wisdom teeth forcibly removed from my mouth next week. I like to schedule surgeries around holidays because pain is pain, right?  I'm kidding.  Really, I'm not looking forward to this because I've grown very attached to my wisdom teeth and only recently have they been making me want to shoot myself in the face to distract myself from the pain they are causing.  I took this picture of my x-ray at the oral surgeon's office because I'm me.  I may use this as my profile pic next week on Facebook because I have a weird sense of humor.  

Oh, and I'm also having my frenulum lasered.    The frenulum is that fleshy thingie that connects your top lip to your gums.  I didn't know that there was a word for that thingie until two weeks ago.  Yeah, I think that's going to hurt as well.

Also, they made me watch a video about having your wisdom teeth extracted while I was at the oral surgeon's office.  It was not Oscar material.  It would have been better if I would have had Raisinettes.  Or laughing gas.  

The won't give you laughing gas for the consultation. Don't even ask.  

 

Is that picture freaky or what?  Look how my arm looks all bent out of shape in the corner.  Looks deformed.

What else was I going to tell you people?

I could go for some nachos.  That isn't what I was going to tell y'all.

I can always go for some nachos.

I'm going to do a year-in-Kerry Blog-review after I'm recovered from the teeth being yanked out of my noggin deal.  It will be a must read post.  A lot of stuff happened this year in my world.  I may blog about the year for the rest of the world if I have time before the end of the year.  

You can't write a year-in-review after December 31st because OMG that is so last year!

I'm also going to write my new year's resolutions.  

I may resolve not to lose my temper in Best Buy again, but I can't promise anything.  That place is of the devil, no lie.  

More later.