So, tonight was softball evaluations for the oldest child and a girl at the concession stand was wearing this.

Cute doesn't win games — excuse me? Have you met me? Cute wins, it just depends on what the game is, honey.

People, this is Mick Jagger. This is why one does not wear a satin suit to the Vanity Fair Oscar party or anywhere else on the planet even if you are a rock icon. Mick. Mick. Mick. What were you thinking? Leave satin to teenage girls at prom.

And we're not going to talk about the shoes.

 

FYI: this will be my headstone, but with my name and dates. Robert Clay Allison, you are my hero.

From The Daily What.

I had this giant raspberry margarita for lunch. It's part of this new liquid diet I'm doing.

Here's The Beta Band to listen to while you read. Two minutes and five seconds in comes the change-up, then the guitar and the horn, and you're hooked. I guarantee. 

 

01 Dry the Rain

 

It's a fantastic song, isn't it? You don't have to agree with me, but you get bonus points if you do. You'll get an extra five bonus points if you know which movie the song is featured in (besides my not-yet-filmed life story). 

It's High Fidelity. I heart John Cusack.

My movie will have the best soundtrack of any movie ever. And it's going to have a ridiculous title akin to Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire. Maybe Priceless: Based on the Novel "Roundhouse Kick to the Face" by Ruby. I think I just came up with a new drag name — Ruby Grapefruit. I'm starting a novel with a character who is a drag queen named Ruby Grapefruit. 

Is it odd that I think of names for redheaded drag queens all the time? Ginger Snap doesn't count — that's my super-heroine alter ego name. By day I'm an unassuming blogger. Crap. I guess super-heroines aren't supposed to reveal who they are. 

I hate classic rock. And no, I don't consider The Beatles to be classic rock, they're a genre unto themselves. I superhate classic rock. Guess what the hubs was playing yesterday. Go ahead, guess. It also unnerves me to no end when someone who doesn't use playlists puts their iPod in the dock. This is what I call the schizophrenic iPod, because who doesn't want to hear Stevie Wonder, Michael Buble, The Eagles, Bobby Brown, AC/DC, ABBA, Journey, and a Cheech & Chong song within the same half hour? I am a meticulous playlist maker. Really, I could do it professionally. If Playlist Maker is a profession, someone email me. I'm available. 

The hubs was going to drag me to a parade last night. Major groan. Major anxiety. Going to a parade means I'll have to take medication or make beverages to bring with me or both. I'm pretty sure I have Agoraphobia as well as a fear of crowds (I don't know what that's called and I'm not going to look it up because I'll have anxiety over that). Just the thought of going to the parade is giving me heart palpitations. The same thing would happen if someone held a gun to my head and made me go to Walmart. Seriously, not a joke. 

I cut myself making Rotel dip the other day. I could not be less coordinated. This is why I buy pre-chopped vegetables. I'm sure the hubs thinks it's because I don't want to cut them, but really it's because I've come to realize I will injure myself at some point making dinner and I'm just taking the knives out of the equation. 

For lunch I will attempt making a low-fat version of a Paula Deen recipe. My triglycerides went up just watching her make it. 

My hair appointment has now been rescheduled three times. First it was one week ago, then yesterday, then next Wednesday, and now it will be next Thursday. My roots are so confused. 

Charlie Sheen's quote “I’m sorry man, I got magic and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps. I’m an F-18, bro" needs to be on a t-shirt — Charlie Sheen in a top hat with a magic wand with an F-18 behind him. T-shirt people, make this happen.

More.

I can't decide if I should live-blog the Oscars red carpet or not. Can I stomach Seacrest for that long?

My back hurts.

"If there's something inside that you wanna say/Say it out loud it'll be okay." 

 

 

 

 

I have a thing for putting decorative things in my hair. Once upon a time I would dye my hair wacky colors (black, burgundy, Elmo red), but now I'm more prone to sticking fabric flowers in my hair because those can be taken out and the other moms at the school won't look at me like I'm a crazy person if I show up with crazy hair.

So, tonight I'm perusing Etsy, where I've found quite a few hair thingamabobs, and DUDE. I think I need one of these from Janine Basil

I need the pink bow headband. I need it. I also need the model's eyebrows. Seriously, she has great eyebrows.

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Everyone knows I hate birds. This clip from Portlandia is a great explanation of one reason to hate them.

 

How disturbing was that? So scary. Could you imagine if that had been an owl? 

I love Loni Love. 

 

Here's my favorite song for today to listen to while you read this post. 

 

07 All Arise!

 

"Baby wants a new spin, baby wants a broken heart." Love that. I love the Decemberists. I'm thinking of getting a violin to see if I can still play so I can go on tour with them.

No I'm not. I hated the violin. When first learning violin it sounds like a frozen cat going through a woodchipper. It's horrid. Your fingers hurt and the rosin you use on the bow is sticky it makes a dusty powder as you play and I could go on and on. You know what I liked best about playing violin? Getting out of school to go to competitions. I never loved school.

I didn't like school until high school, where I loved journalism class and art and my friends. I also loved the rolls in the cafeteria. I would like one of those rolls right now.

If I had to do it all again I would have rather played piano, like Ben Folds. Rockin' piano.

If I had to do it all again I would have majored in something I really wanted to do and not education because let's face it, I would have been the worst teacher ever. Mainly because as a teacher, you can't say "what the hell is wrong with you?" to a student.

If I had to do it all again I would have majored in writin'.

That is too a major.

Did you read my earlier post? It took me four attempts to correctly spell "temperament."  I probably shouldn't admit that, but whatevs. You know, the Mac red-underlines 1/3 of my words because they're made up, so for a minute I thought I made that one up too. I like making up words. Superfantastic. Besides making up words, I also like to use dashes and hyphenate words, but you've probably already picked up on that. I blame Emily Dickinson and T.S. Eliot for some of my writing style. They're dead. I can blame them if I want.

"The Engine Driver" may be my favorite song tomorrow. Guess what I'm doing for next week's Tunes You Need Tuesday. Go ahead guess. 

Have you ever taken a drink from a glass you thought was of Sprite and lo and behold it was water? That's the kind of soul-stirring day I've had. 

The kids want me to take them to a Mardi Gras Parade Friday night. Ugh. I love where I live, but I hate where I live this time of year. The roads on parade routes close and everybody goes nuts over beads made in China that probably have lead paint. Yes, I said it. I don't like begging for beads. They're plastic, not pearls or precious gems. And don't get me started on the time we went to a parade and some people threw Tootsie Rolls. But I wouldn't mind a new set of Mardi Gras cups. 

You don't know how happy I am that my iPhone has finally learned that when I type "hell" I don't mean "he'll." 

Have you ever seen Loni Love do stand-up? When she said she's not a drug addict because she likes wings, not weed I almost fell off the sofa. The woman is funny and I know funny, look her up. She also said she'd rather be on Cops than Flava of Love. 

Top Chef is on tonight and Paula Deen is a guest judge. I hope the challenge is for the cheftestants to use a pound of butter in each recipe and say "y'all" and "spatuler" a lot. They had Muppets on last week, so anything is possible. Plus, it's Bravo.

Do you remember when Bravo was only on for half the day and shared the channel with some other channel? I've been watching it forever. I remember back in the day watching Michael Hutchence from INXS in a movie called Dogs in Space. Yes, it's a real movie — look it up — it was the '80s, people did cocaine and weird movies were made and then run on Bravo. Oh, and Hutchence played a drug addicted singer in a band. It's like art imitating life imitating art. 

I'm sleepy. Goodnight.

 

 

This has been a long day. I didn't sleep well last night, this is not news. After putting the kids on their respective buses, I went back to bed for a bit, but it wasn't enough. Lack of sleep makes the day seem longer. I would like to take a life sabbatical and go somewhere to sleep for a few months. 

I heart The Decemberists.

Have you heard the latest on Baz Luhrmann's new Great Gatsby? They're going to start filming next month in AUSTRALIA in 3D. No, I'm not kidding. The great American novel will be filmed Down Under because I suppose it looks just like Long Island. Of course I know one can film a movie anywhere — but this is Gatsby. And 3D? Why? I would say that F. Scott Fitzgerald is rolling in his grave, but he mocked himself when he worked in Hollywood, calling himself a "hack," so I don't think he would be surprised with this news. And so, we will have Leonardo DiCaprio (as Gatsby), Tobey Maguire (Nick Carraway), and Carey Mulligan (Daisy) stepping into the 3D world of Gatsby. I can't see Mulligan as the beautiful siren Daisy. I'm talking about Daisy from the novel, not Mia Farrow's Daisy from the 1974 film (the voice — no). I didn't buy Farrow's Daisy either. Gatsby is one of my favorite novels; I would hate to see another bad film version. 

My back hurts.

I have an aversion to stores with "dollar" in the name. Also stores with "mart" in the name. Also, stores that spell their name wrong on purpose or rhyme. I can't help it, this is who I am. 

Have you ever done a Google Image search of yourself? It's fun. 

No one has emailed me saying they'd like to contribute to my business idea fund. I guess Donald Trump isn't reading the blog after all.  

One of my daughter's friends came over to play and said tap water was "gross" when she asked for water and I gave her a glass of tap water. I felt like giving her my longwinded explanation of why I don't buy bottled water, but I didn't think the 9 year-old would care. I gave her scotch instead.

I didn't give her scotch — that would be ridiculous. I gave her a White Russian.

Should I wear a big flower thing in my hair for ScrapFest or something else? I'm thinking a Las Vegas showgirl headdress, but I can't decide. In hot pink.

Hot pink is definitely a neutral. For me.

My mom used the phrase "off the chain" inappropriately today. I said "you know that means something is good, right?" She said "I hear the kids say it at school, I don't know what means bad and what means good." She works at my old high school and is now picking up slang. This cannot end well.