Damn.

There is no list long enough for my pet peeves. I'm quite serious. So many things get on my nerves. Too many. And I've always been like this. For as long as I can remember, things have bothered me. Stupid things. Things that most people probably wouldn't notice. But I notice. 

 

1. people who say "literally" when they mean "metaphorically." As in, "you are literally killing me softly with your words." Or a person could say, "this is literally the best coffee I've ever had." Well, just say it's the best coffee you've ever had. My favorite is when stylist Rachel Zoe says "I am literally dying" or "this is literally bananas." No, you're talking about a coat. 

2. people who talk to me when I obviously do not want to talk to them. Example: yesterday I went to the car dealership to have my oil changed, tires rotated, and windshield wipers untangled (yes, I know the wiper thing would only happen to me). I took a seat in front of the tv playing Headline News in the waiting area and took out my iphone to check Facebook, text, and look busy. Isn't it common knowledge that you're not supposed to talk to people who look busy on a phone? So, this car dealer starts talking to me. He asks me who Herman Cain is. And just like that, I am sucked into conversation. He then asks me about the Penn State scandal (because I know everything) and finally, about the Conrad Murray trial. I tell the guy that Murray was convicted of involuntary manslaughter. He says, "I'll tell you one thing. He didn't kill no Michael Jackson." True story. This kind of thing happens almost every time I leave the house. 

3. political survey calls. I'm on the Do Not Call Registry. I guess that doesn't apply to political surveys. 

4. the lack of petite plus sized pants in the world. I realize this only applies to my fellow short chubby girls and me, but COME ON. And let me just say that if there are big and tall stores for men, there should be short and plump stores for me. 

5. the endless fundraisers from our schools. It's November. We've had the World's Finest Chocolates fundraiser, the one with magazines and junk, Moo-Dat (where you send money for the kids to drink extra milk for a month), and now one to get a key tag for Wendy's Jr Frostys. Next week it's "Cap Day" and the kids pay $1 to wear a cap for the day. It's absolutely ridiculous. We also have a canned food drive and Wendy's Night – a portion of proceeds goes to the school. We had Dominos night last week. And I don't participate in all of this nonsense because I'd be broke. 

 

Isn't it too bad it's only a Top 5 list? I could do this all day.

Y'all know I love cooking shows because I'm a dork like that. Here is one of my faves, Ted Allen, on the Onion making a dish from his fake cookbook, Pretentious Foodie Bullshit.

http://c.brightcove.com/services/viewer/federated_f9?isVid=1&isUI=1
 

"…then put on a blindfold and see if you can taste the difference. You won't"

Easy.

1. laptop

2. coffee cup

3. iphone

4. home phone

5. pen

We've already established my superhero names, so this category seems apropos. And let's just state the obvious: I would be a fantastic superhero. 

1. telepathy – the ability to read minds. Contrary to popular belief, I do not already possess this power.

2. teleportation – hellz yeah. One does not need the ability to fly if one can teleport. Suck on that, Superman.

3. invisibility – this would come in handy everyday.

4. mind control – I'm talking Jedi mind tricks meet Professor X. Yes, I know I'm way too into this. 

5. cat-like reflexes – I think this superpower would make me less of a klutz and we all know I need that.

This is my kind of list.

1. Martin Q. Blank in Grosse Point Blank. Martin is not your average killer for hire. And he's played by John Cusack. I love John Cusack. I could do an all Cusack list.

2. Jules Winnfield in Pulp Fiction. Say 'what' again. 

 

3. The Dude in The Big Lebowski. This one needs no explanation.

4. Bridget Jones – character in the novels, not Renee Zellweger.  She is quirky and highly relatable. And funny.

5. Ouiser Boudreaux in Steel Magnolias. I'm pretty much a younger Ouiser. I love her.

This is a hard list because I love books. I tried to take novels from different points in my life as a reader, starting from my junior year in high school. 

1. The Awakening by Kate Chopin – my favorite book since I first read it in 1992. It's about a woman named Edna who doesn't fit in with the other women in her social circle, her marriage, and her life. It's brilliant.

2. Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis – Easton Ellis' style is my favorite among contemporary writers and the characters are very memorable. 

3. Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen – I read this in college before the movie came out and was blown away. 

4. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway – Hemingway is my favorite writer and this is my favorite of his novels. It's perfect. I've read all of Hemingway's work and TSAR is still my favorite. 

5. The Hours by Michael Cunningham – I read this in my book club when I lived in Canada and it's one of those books that his stayed with me. It won a Pulitzer and there is a reason for that. I've read many books that have interwoven plots, but Cunningham does it better than anyone. If you haven't read it, you should. 

Well, this is an odd category.

My name suits me, I think. The only issues I have with it are that people cannot spell it and I get mail addressed to Mr. Kerry Faler. It's a unisex name and I'm very girly – go figure. I've never liked my middle name, Renae. My mother wanted to name me "Nevillie" – seriously. That's not even a name.

So, if I had to pick five alternate names I'd go with:

1. Carrie – it's a completely different name, really.

2. Kate – one of my favorite names

3. Caroline – also one of my favorite names

4. Claire – again, one of my favorites. Can you tell I like K/C names?

5. I can't think of a fifth, so I'm going with Pepper (like Pepper Pots from Iron Man).

 

Alternately, my top five drag queen/superhero names are:

1. Ginger Snap

2. Champagne Supernova

3. Lucky Charm

4. Spanx McGirdle

5. Latte Madonna

These are my drag queen/superhero names. If you do not have one for yourself, get your own. Also, if you should meet Ginger Snap in a dark alley, run. Or give her a candy.

 

I am pretty much a homebody and am not wild about travel like a lot of my friends. I couldn't care less about visiting most places people talk about because I'm weird like that. So, these are the places I really would like to go at some point (I would just like them to be a little closer to home).

1. Mexico – I want to eat across Mexico like in Rick Bayless' PBS show. 

2. Ireland – the land of my people!

3. Scotland – always wanted to go.

4. England – again, always wanted to go.

5. Italy – for the food.

I believe this is the 3rd installment of Things People Google and Land on This Here Blog. I use Stat Counter for my blog's stats and my favorite thing about it is the handy dandy list it provides of the search terms people use.

Without further ado, here is the weirdness:

 

what a cookie can do scout

skull bong with smoke coming out the top

troll crafts for kids

tag line for a potato pudding

wheel cho hamster

oprah grave

old man sequin jumpsuit

miss albania

monchichie outfit

me to you bears love pink

kentucky derby bitch costume

herman cain wife photo

GARANIMALS

fred flintstone cuss words

chaka khans family

all of the beatles albums in order

Work-Naked

where to buy pink coat black swan

PICTURES OF JOHN FORSYTH

leather beach pants

i'm on a cheesecake diet

forgot to wear clothes

sign with cat Maine

hair for people with fair skin

PMS – purchase more shoes

dog nativity set

 

I left out the dozens of variations of "red head BBW pin-up." Yes, dozens. The John Forsyth thing is new. Interesting.