This has to be the bestest Photoshop/Headline from Huffington Post ever.
Mittens – check.
Perry saying "oh hell to the no" – check.
Obama with laser eyes – check.
Godzilla – check.
No need to read the article. The GOP has released Godzilla on Washington and Obama will kill him with his laser eyes.
I will preface this by saying I have lived in a bunch of places and most of them I didn't like because they didn't feel like home. Where I live now is home. I'm a city girl at heart, but I don't love the traffic and chaos everyday, so I need a suburban town that's close to the city. Got it? Good.
1. Dallas, TX – I love Dallas.
2. Alpharetta, GA – great town, 10 minutes from Atlanta.
3. Memphis, TN – another town I love.
4. Madisonville, LA – down the street from my house.
5. Baton Rouge, LA – great town, good sushi.
I could make this one a top 50, but I won't.
1. The Daily What – my favorite site for everything internet
2. Huffington Post – the leftist-newsish site I love
3. Eject – Kelly Oxford's blog
4. Jezebel – really, their trio Jezebel, Gawker, and Gizmodo
5. Facebook – I tend to leave Facebook open all day
The five things I want right now are:
1. my ankle to stop hurting
2. the DirecTV man to come
3. a time machine
4. some kind of sense of balance
5. an iced caramel mocha
Saturday we went to the school's fall festival and I realized something: every time I see a particular pta mom she is wearing wind pants. Remember wind pants? They were athletic pants in the 90s (I think). I never wore them because I know when to stay away from a fad. Unfortunately, some people don't know when to give fads up. Those things make swishy noises when you walk. You know that's wrong. Also, when you wear yoga pants or wind pants or sweat pants everyday, just admit that you've give up.
I also ate fair food. OMG, fair food.
Today is Halloween. My neighborhood goes all out for Halloween and this year is closing the main road to cars that do not have da Creek sticker on their windshield. I call my subdivision da Creek. Supposedly, golf carts will not be allowed on the streeets. When I was a kid no one took their kids trick or treating on a golf cart, but we didn't have golf carts in the ghetto, so maybe that's why.
I'm watcing the Food Network while waiting on the DirecTV guy to come. Why to chefs want to put raisins in stuff? If I come over for dinner, don't put raisins in the rice. Or the couscous. Or anything.
Yesterday was our family picture day. We went to a place in Covington that has great areas for photos. It should have been great, except that while stepping down from the gazebo, I fell of and sprained my ankle pretty bad. I FELL OFF A GAZEBO. People, this only happens to me. There were other people there with their photographers, but I didn't see anyone else get injured because I am the only walking disaster in town. Not so much walking today, more like hobbling.
Since I can barely walk, I'm foregoing my slutty graphic designer costume tonight.
The hubs asked if I need crutches. I don't think a person with zero balance should be given crutches. I'd probably stab myself in the eye with them.
One of my friends called to ask where they could find tacky Christmas cards today. I'm the go-to person for so many things for so many people. Need a lyric to a song? Call Kerry. Need to find some website? Call Kerry. Need to know who That Guy was in That Movie? Call Kerry. Need to know what a certain font is called? Call Kerry. Need to know how to use your webcam? Call Kerry. Need to know what the difference is between Cajun and Creole? Call Kerry. Need to know if Anderson Cooper is gay? Call Kerry. No, I didn't make up any of those.
I could have been a slutty web designer for Halloween. That costume is remarkably simular to my slutty graphic designer costume.
I hope some of the houses are giving out Percocet tonight.
That was a joke. Mostly.
Would you believe I forgot to get a pumpkin to carve this year? Me. I forgot. I'm way off my game this year. I may just paint my face orange and sit on my porch.
If any of the houses in my subdivision give out pretzels or raisins, I may or may not punch the people in the face. Same goes for those chewy peanut buttery things no one likes. If you give out those chewy peanut buttery things, you're an asshole.
So, Quirky Tales and I have decided to another 30 day blog challenge. This one is all Top 5 stuff and it starts tomorrow. Here's a preview of the categories. It's as random as we are, it should be enjoyable.
Day 1: Five Things You Want Right Now
Day 2: Five Websites You Visit Daily
Day 3: Five Places You Would Live
Day 4: Five Countries You Want to Visit
Day 5: Five Names You Wish Were Yours
Day 6: Five Favorite Books
Day 7: Five Favorite Fictional Characters
Day 8: Five Superpowers You Would Like to Have
Day 9: Five Things You See Around You Right Now
Day 10: Five Pet Peeves
Day 11: Five Fashion Accessories You Love
Day 12: Five Trends/Styles You Abhor
Day 13: Five Favorite Makeup Items
Day 14: Five Most Annoying Celebrities
Day 15: Five Celebrities You Want to Be Your BFF
Day 16: Five Favorite Song Lyrics
Day 17: Five Music Artists/Groups You Want to See in Concert
Day 18: Five Favorite TV Shows
Day 19: Five Cartoons You Used to Watch
Day 20: Five Favorite TV Channels
Day 21: Five Movies You Quote Constantly
Day 22: Five TV/Movie Friendships
Day 23: Five TV/Movie (B)romances
Day 24: Five Things You're Thankful For
Day 25: Five Places to Shop
Day 26: Five Favorite Foods
Day 27: Five Favorite Beverages
Day 28: Five Favorite Sushi Rolls
Day 29: Five Favorite Ice Cream Flavors
Day 30: Five Favorite Fictional Cats
That's right. Fictional Cats. Holla.
Have you decided whether to be a slutty nurse, a slutty pirate, a slutty witch, or a slutty slut?
This is my new favorite show.
Just so you know, this is exactly how I fake-narrarate shows to annoy my hubs when we watch tv at home. I'm not kidding.
Thought for the day: people need to settle the fuck down. This goes for a lot of people lately.
I often tell my basset hound that when she runs in the house and is all "I know there's food in here somewhere!" I'm aware the Dog Whisperer probably doesn't use this technique, but it works for me. My dog understands cursing and arm waving, so it's okay.
When I watch chefs bake on television and they measure ingredients in grams, it makes me think they are also drug dealers. Or former drug dealers.
I hate cornucopias.
When you're picking out flooring and setting up a time for the peeps to come measure your floor, try to work in Martha Stewart's prison sentence just for fun. See if anyone notices, then go back to talking about flooring. It's fun times.
Have you seen the Golden Corral commercial that shows they now have chocolate fountains? I guess when you want to eat everything you can, but still feel fancy there's Golden Corral. I don't understand why a restaurant would have a word in the name means an enclosure for farm animals. Maybe it's owned by the Dress Barn people.
If you're not watching Mad Fashion on Bravo, do yourself a favor and watch. Six-pack Stacy and I text during the show every week and laugh. It's funnier and smarter than most scripted comedies and it's a reality show about fashion design.
I don't know what I'm going to be for Halloween. I thought about being a mom having a white Russian who makes fun of kids' cosutmes, but that's what I was last year.
I like asking kids what they're supposed to be. It's fun. Like the interview portion of Miss America.
I'm still not giving candy to teenage girls dressed as sluts.
Have I told y'all about the time the hubs dressed as Fred Flintstone at work because everyone there told him that everyone in the office dressed up for Halloween. Yeah, he was the only one in costume. True story.
One of my Facebook friends' current profile picture looks like that album cover of Phil Collins where you can only see half his face and it's uncomfortably close-up. I think you should probably tell a friend if they look like Phil Collins, because come on, he's not George Clooney. Or Alec Baldwin. Or even another Baldwin. Maybe I should keep that to myself. Don't tell anyone.
Now I know what my go-to Christmas gift is this year.
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