Of course I've been to a Christmas parade. Hell, I've been to a Christmas boat parade. Oh, and my husband drove Santa in VW Beetle a few years ago. Impressive, no?

I believed in Santa until I was 10. I didn't want to give up the hope that he was real. My younger sister stopped believing before I did. Honestly, I don't think believing in Santa is such a bad thing. There are horrible things in the world, there always have been. Believing in something good is a wonderful thing.

I don't think I understand the question. I tend to over-think things, but "started Christmas stockings yet" sounds like I was supposed to fill stockings before Christmas. Am I doing it wrong? "Santa" fills our stockings on Christmas Eve, like he's supposed to do. 

Our mantle with stockings. The kids' stockings are in the middle. I think I need taller things on my mantle.

The other night I dreamed I was on the Today Show doing a cooking segment and they asked me to stay for the next segment. The next segment was with a real lion. The lion wanted to eat me because I smelled like food from the cooking segment.

Have you ever woken up with Neil Diamond's "Turn on Your Heart Light" in my head, but with Bob Dylan's voice. It's better that way.

Sonic now has eggnog shakes.

Yesterday I went to lunch with a good friend. While we were laughing about something my hubs did, another friend of mine tapped on the window we were seated by. She was sitting two feet away from me on the other side of the glass having lunch on the patio. We tried to talk for a minute throught the glass, like visiting prison, but without the phone. Full disclosure: I have never visited anyone in prison, but it's not because I haven't had the opportunity. 

I still have not bought a tablecloth. I almost bought a tablecloth yesterday, but I was distracted by a man in Target pretending to be deaf, soliciting donations. Fortunately, I know fake sign language. If you're going to do fake sign language, don't look like you're Voguing. It's sign language, not a Madonna video. 

I'm pretty sure my hair is looking a little cocker spaniel-ish right now.

The hubs told me I need to make a Christmas list and I can't put things like World Peace and for all the children of the world to hold hands together and sing. 

Once again, none of you jerks nominated me for a CNN Heroes award. 

Have I told y'all lately how much I love Kaluha?

If you've never answered your children with "because science!" when they've asked you a question, then you're not parenting right. 

Also, if you've fallen prey to the Elf on the Shelf scam of buying an elf doll and telling your kids the elf is telling Santa stuff, then let me introduce you to the no-fail system of telling your children you have Santa's cell number and will call him yourself. Your children will believe you.

I think I'll tell the hubs I want a Lexus for Christmas with one of those giant bows on it like in the commercials. Do you think there is a giant bow factory? Do you think Lexus outsources that? I bet they outsource it to some country that doesn't even celebrate Christmas and the workers are like "what the hell? an order for three thousand giant red bows?!" Do you think they make an extra giant blue bow in case anyone gets a Lexus for Hannukah? Let's hear it for Hannukah Lexuses. Lexi? 

At the elementary school on Monday, I overheard a dad sitting behind me at the Christmas program tell his wife that the music teacher looked like a guy from Harry Potter, then he said "and John Cusack." Because I can't help myself, I turned around and said "he doesn't look like Cusack, he looks like Alan Rickman." OH YES I DID. And guess what? I don't care.

 

 

Nope. I don't approve of that foolishness.

 

I have a big artificial tree from a store in Canada called Canadian Tire, which is like a Lowes/Auto Zone, and they did car repairs as well. I want to say they also had boots. We bought the tree when we lived in Fort McMurray in 2002. 

Fact: I love atrificial Christmas trees. I'm allergic to everything and I do not miss having a real tree.

Here's a fun story. Remember the 80s? I like saying "remember the 80s?" Anyway, remember in the 80s when everyone got their trees flocked? It was the fake snow applied to the real tree. Well, my dad decided he could do it himself because he had an air compressor. So, he flocked the flocking tree. Once he'd flocked it, you couldn't see a lick of green on the damn thing and we couldn't hang a single ornament. I was 7 or 8. We couldn't hang an ornament on the over-flocked tree and we had no fireplace. I was a sad kid.

Of course my tree has cupcakes. I have lots of different kind of candy canes, cupcakes, and lollipops on my tree (because I like them) as well as all of the regular ornaments, glittery balls, bells, and handmade ornaments from school. If your tree doesn't have a reindeer made of popcicle sticks, then the terrorists have won.

Okay, this made me laugh hysterically because the voiceover is exactly what I do when I watch movies with the hubs. It doesn't matter what movie it is, I can adapt it to be ridiculous (unless it's Shawshank, the hubs would be offended if I made fun of Shawshank.)

 

"It's like Pretty in Pink, but if the dress looked good."

"that's how you do it, bitch." I love this so much.

Because this makes me laugh, behold the real recent search terms people have used and landed on this here blog.

 

how to tie a male sarong

Flame Miser

slapaho

sexy french male model

retro girdles

family planning Cameroon

red panda up view

weird nativity sets

flame hair

something for Christmas for 7 year old girls

photo stufy doctors

mafioso wear

custom urinal

dolphin heart diagram

figure shape different body brick

fat face swimwear

 

Now that last one is just mean. I didn't include the tons of BBW pin-up searches (pun intended) because the reading would have become redundant after two seconds. If you'll excuse me, I have to find a "photo of stufy doctors."

Now, I know I like to say "of all time" a lot, but I have found the best Christmas song of all time (this time). I did not know The Weather Girls, of "It's Raining Men" fame, did a Christmas song. OH, but they did. The Weather Girls were a plus-sized man-hungry duo in the 80s who made this gem:

 

I'm playing that at the Faler Christmas party. In fact, I may sing it by the fireplace in a red jumpsuit.

Newsflash: I like food.

I really like holiday food. My favorite Christmastime food would probably be eggnog shakes. You can't drink eggnog at any other time of year because it wouldn't be the same. Plus, it's not exactly a refreshing drink, so you woudn't have it in the spring or summer. There is a reason no one hands marathon runners cups of eggnog while they run past. Eggnog is for winter. It's for an evening by the fireplace watching old Chirstmas movies.

Eggnog shakes on the other hand are for when one is out shopping for presents and one must drive through McDonalds because the sign says "Egg Nog Shakes" and it is like a beacon to the rich tasty goodness. 

Mmm eggnog shakes.