350

Dear Friends and Readers,

Here's hoping this day is treating you especially superfantastic and you're having a good hair day, you found five bucks in your pocket you forgot about and you did that cool look you give to the mirror when you know you're looking cute (oh come on, you know you do it too).  Why?  Because you're my interwebs friend and we spend a couple of minutes together a few times a week and I want you to know that I appreciate you coming here.  You could be off reading the news (bor-ring, kidding, y'all know I'm a news junkie) or looking at lolcats  (love me some lolcats), but you're here and that's great. 

IMG000320 So, why am I all mushy and thankful?  Because it's a special post day in The Kerry Blog world.   I suddenly feel the urge to write "tonight on a very special Blossom."  Girls my age will get that.  Anyway, this post makes 350 posts on The Kerry Blog, Scraps & Lagniappe.  That number comes from the WordPress entries I migrated over to Typepad, combined with the Typepad posts.  That's not counting the first two versions of the blog (I'll go into that shortly).  Y'all know I can't do math, Typepad shows how many posts there are on the dashboard, I didn't count anything, don't worry — my head isn't going to explode. 

35o. 

That's a lot of words, pictures, random musings, lists, rants, music, letters, videos, and a whole lot of TMI.  I'm not fond of the acronym TMI.  I tend not to like anything in all caps, plus it makes me think I'm trying to spell Tim, but I got dyslexic for a second.  I'm not dyslexic, but my brain is faster than my typing (and I type pretty fast), which explains all the mistakes and ommitted words you've seen in this blog.  ADHD is something else, obviously I can't stay with one thought for more than two sentences.  See, I did it again.  Back to the subject of too much information — in "real life" I'm not one to over share, save for a few close friends and the hubs, but for some reason on the blog, I tell you people semi-personal things that in a day or so after I write, I've forgotten about.  Then someone stops me in Target and says "that was funny about your bra sticking up past your shirt."  And I'm all, "yeah, that was funny,"  trying to think of why this person knows about my bra issues (of which there are many) and wondering if I have multiple personalities, one being a stripper.  Then as I walk away, I realize it's from the blog.  I'm guessing this kind of thing doesn't happen to most of you. 

The funny thing about this blogging thing is you may start out blogging about one thing, and end up with something very different. 

2004_0908Image0062 I started my first blog on Homestead back in in 2002 when the hubs' job brought us to Ft. McMurray, Alberta, Canada as a way to easily have one place for our family back in Louisiana to see what we were up to, pictures of Molly (and later, Katie), pretty normal mom stuff.  In October of 2004, I found myself bored.  We'd moved to Mandeville, where the hubs grew up, and his job once again sent him out of the country.  This time it was Afghanistan.  It was the first time our little fam was living apart and I found myself pretty depressed and emotional, which wasn't fun.  I'd joined the MOPS group at our church and started scrapbooking again with some friends I'd made in MOPS, but I was missing the hubs terribly.  Then two weeks after he'd left for the Middle East, I started thinking maybe I wasn't just a little emotional and lo and behold, the EPT test didn't lie.  I was put on light bedrest and grew very addicted to the computer, since I couldn't do many of the things I was used to doing, and so, being bored out of my mind, I started a blog on Blogspot.  It was a very family-oriented blog, lots of pics of the kids, a few funny stories, and for the most part, short entries, nothing big.  The pic is from the era of the Blogspot blog taken at the Audubon Aquarium.  Molly's running out of frame and Katie is attached to my hip.  I was rockin' the twinsets as you can see (y'all know I don't post many pics of myself — goodness, and full length at that, so enjoy).

As moms do, I got busy with the things of life, neglected my blog and pretty much abandoned it.  When I attempted to start blogging again, I found the Blogger platform a little limiting (this was two years ago before the new Blogger rolled out) and switched to WordPress, deciding I would focus on having a scrapbooking blog.  Scrap & Lagniappe was born.  The name meaning it would be scrapbooking and a little something extra. That lasted a whole 8 posts before I read about a woman who was suing Victoria Secret because a rhinestone or something popped off her thong and hit her in the eye — this was clearly something I needed to contribute my thoughts to.  That was the day I found my blogger voice, so to speak.  Sure, it was to expose the tackiness/ridiculous in the world (and make fun of it mercilessly), but someone had to do it.  Occasionally I post scrapbook layouts, but it turned out this blog became more about the lagniappe.  And that's fine with me. 

Apparently it's fine with you too, because I have more readers than ever.  Last week's Grey's Anatomy Finale post was a record night, with over 870 hits in two hours — that's something I never expected when I started this little blog.  And it's still my little blog.  As you may have noticed, there is no sponsor of this blog, no advertising, no PayPal tip jar — this is my outlet for sharing (and over-sharing) part of my day with you.  Many of you are friends from childhood, high school, college, and so on.  I think most of the family stopped reading long ago (irony, man).  Many of you are friends of friends.  Many of you I've never met, will probably never meet, and that's okay, I appreciate you stopping by just as much as my bestest friends.  What's still not okay with me is that the comments aren't working, but I've gone on about that enough in other posts, I suppose. 

I thought that since this is a post about you, I'd share some things I find interesting about you.  This week there have been as many of you in Melbourne, Australia reading as in Shreveport/Bossier, LA where I grew up.  You have no idea how much that makes me laugh.  The hometown is almost getting beat by the Aussies.  Somehow, I always knew I'd be big in Australia (that's a joke, yo).   I've been visited this week by people all over the interwebs: from Modena, Italy to Mountain View, CA from Tokyo to Murfreesboro, TN and everywhere in between. 

This week's top keyword searches that brought some of you to this blog were:

Brandon Flowers INXS
TJ Maxx co
mmercial redhead
Skymall happy feet
why does hank williams jr always wear sunglasses (yes, I mentioned this once)
vampire scraps (I don't even understand that one)
"i miss you i miss you i miss you" 80's song (that would be "Cut Here" by the Cure)
what not to wear dr appointment
Anna Bess Simmons (shout out to AB!  woot-woot)
and
sky scrap for ceiling (I don't get that one either)

So, that's the ins and outs of The Kerry Blog.  That's the past and the present.  So, what's for the future?  Your guess is as good as mine as life goes on this long and winding road.  I can tell you that as long as wacky things happen to me, I'll write about them; and as long as there are wacky things happening in the world, I'll write about those too.  After all, someone has to be here to tell you about her crush on Anderson Cooper and the stuff that passes for news.  Someone has to ask the hard questions and live-blog award shows.  Someone has to tell you what tunes you need on Tuesdays and give you a Sunday rewind to the 80's.  But, for the immediate future, here's a heads up: the blog will get a complete make-over at the end of June.  That's right, people, I'm taking it bigtime.  Or something like that, since I've commissioned a real blog designer to do it.  And in July, the month of my birth, I'm predicting high anxiety as I turn the numero 35.  I am not happy about this, because I don't feel 35, whatever that feels like, and I'm pretty sure that's officially thirtysomething.  Last year on my birthday, I wrote the 34 things I know, this year it will be 35 things.  I'm hoping I've learned a few things so I'll have something to write about, 'cause at this moment, I got nothing. 

Once again, thank you for reading.  I'll see you back here tomorrow or the day after with something new.  Be good. 

xxxooo,
Kerry

tunes you need Tuesday: Natalie Merchant edition

EDIT: yes, I know this is Wednesday, but I started this post on Tuesday, so Tunes You Need Tuesday it is.  And it was only an hour into Wednesday when I finished it, so there.  Thank you, Captains Obvious for emailing me and making me think I lost a day somewhere.  xxxooo, Kerry

Have I been slacking on Tunes You Need Tuesday or what?  No Tunes Tuesday since March 10th?  And not one of my faithful readers called me on it either.  You think you know people.  Oh well. Maybe that has something to do with the comments on this blog not working (Kerry shakes angry fist at the Typepad gods), although Typepad has assured me the blog is fine and the comments should work.  Alas, they do not, as many of you have emailed to tell me to tell me that very thing.  I hear you, dear readers, I hear you.  On with the post!

Natalie-merchant Last night, after talking to a friend about music and Natalie Merchant,  it occurred to me that I had not written about my favorite woman in music (next to Aretha, that is).  I honestly thought I had written a Tunes Tuesday post about Natalie, but after reviewing the blog, there was none — not even a 10,000 Maniacs edition.  Either this is an unfortunate oversight or subconsciously I feared I wouldn't do her justice, I'm not sure.  So, I've been listening to 10,000 Maniacs and Natalie's solo stuff all day while working at the computer (great music to work to, by the way) and I think it's high time we explored the fantabulous Natalie Merchant.  Don't you agree?  Oh good.

We can't discuss Natalie without first having a little background on her 12 years with 10,000 Maniacs.  The Maniacs were formed in New York back in 1981  and didn't hit the mainstream Billboard charts until 1987's In My Tribe debuted and went to #37 in '88.  They were an alternative folk-rock group in a sea of hair bands, Madonna, George Michael, and Michael Jackson, so this was unusual to say the least. 

The song that made me a fan was "Like The Weather."  Natalie Merchant unlike anyone on MTV at that time and her band was a breath of fresh air to me.  I had discovered REM and a few other alternative bands a year or two before , but 10,000 Maniacs was different with their girl singer and her funky dresses, mary jane shoes, and quirky beauty.  She was the main songwriter of the group and her voice was interesting and her lyrics were purposeful (again, unlike much of the music going on in 1987).  Let's go back to '87 for a look, here's "Like The Weather."

http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:uma:video:mtv.com:46180

So, that was my introduction to Natalie Merchant.  I'm sure many of my old friends will recognize the influence her style had on my fashion sense back in the day and why I've never met a mary jane I didn't like.  10,000 Maniacs went onto moderate success with Blind Man's Zoo and Our Time in Eden, then Natalie left to start her solo career in 1993.  In 2004 the Maniacs released Campfire Songs: The Popular, Obscure and Unknown Recordings, a wonderful compilation album every fan should own.  You'll fall in love with the band all over again with the covers and alternate lyric demos of some of their songs on disc 2.  Here's "I Hope That I Don't Fall in Love with You" from the second disc, it's simply lovely.

http://kerryfaler.typepad.com/files/2-09-i-hope-that-i-dont-fall-in-lov.m4a

1995's Tigerlily was Natalie's solo debut that gave her 3 hits, "Jealousy," "Wonder," and "Carnival."  "Jealousy" is one of my favorite songs, but I thought I'd share a song you may not be familiar with, "Cowboy Romance."  It has a little country flavor, hence the Cowboy part , I suppose.  I think you just might love it. 
http://kerryfaler.typepad.com/files/2-02-cowboy-romance.m4a

Natalie's next album, Ophelia, was release in 1998 to somewhat mixed reviews.  The album is somewhat melancholy and elegantly dark with piano and strings, bust as a longtime fan, on a whole, it harkened back to less ambitious 10,000 Maniacs songs like "Verdi Cries" and "My How You've Grown."  One can't deny Ophelia is decidely un-pop.  "Kind and Generous" is the only song pop song on the album and if you're the type who doesn't listen to albums in their entirety, Ophelia may not be your cup of tea, but it's definitely worth a listen.  I think it's pretty brilliant, but I'm a fan.  Who else but Natalie would put a hymn from the 1880's on their album and make it beautiful?   "When They Ring Them Golden Bells" is the hymn, and I hate that it wouldn't upload, so you'll have to get it on iTunes and have a listen for yourself. 

Motherland was Natalie's third solo album and was more folky and eclectic musically than Ophelia.  Some of the material is a bit heavy, lyrically.  Natalie tends to write with a focus on political and social issues, always has — songs from the Maniacs days "Eat For Two" and "What's the Matter Here" come to mind from her earlier writing.  This album was no different; what made it different was that the recording was finished two days before Sepetember 11tth, and that changed people's perceptions of her lyrics in post-9/11 America.  Still, the album reached #30 on Billboard and the mother of folk rock, Joan Baez, covered the title track, which is a pretty neat thing.  My favorite track on Motherland is "Not in This Life," a song Natalie has said she only put on the album because the rest of the songs were a little heavy, but I thought the song was rather introspective.  Anyway, the best songs off Motherland (including my pick) can be found on Retrospective.   

If you're a Natalie Merchant fan, do yourself a favor and get the Deluxe Edition of Retrospective: 1995-2000 and you'll love it.  It includes "Cowboy Romance"  as well as duets with Billy Bragg and Michael Stipe among other covers like The Smiths "Sally Ann."  It's fantastic.  Finally, what's Natalie Merchant up to now?  She's recording, and that can only be good news for fans like me.  I'm looking forward to an album due out this year.  It's been eight years since her last album and I can't wait to hear what she's come up with for 2009.  I'll let you know what I think of the yet un-named album when it comes out (there is no "drop" date yet, but I'm hopeful).  'til then, here's "Stockton Gala Days" which you can find on 10,000 Maniacs, Campfire Songs.  It's one of my favorites to sing along to.  The last lyrics get me every time I hear it. 

http://kerryfaler.typepad.com/files/05-stockton-gala-days.m4a

How I've learned to please, to doubt myself in need.
You'll never, you'll never know.
You'll never know.

That summer fields grow high.
We had wildflower fever.
We had to lay down where they grow.

How I've learned to hide, how I've locked inside, you'd be surprised if shown.
But you'll never, you'll never know


And Just for fun, here's "Children, Go Where I Send Thee" from Retrospective.  Hope y'all enjoyed this Tunes Tuesday, I sure did. 

http://kerryfaler.typepad.com/files/2-03-children-go-where-i-send-thee.m4a

I shoulda been a screenwriter

There are a few things in life that I know for sure: 

9 to 5 jobs aren’t for me.
Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.
The Beatles recorded the best songs in the history of popular music.
If there is a puddle anywhere in the vicinity of where we are, my children will find it.
Elvis is everywhere.
If I decide to sleep in one of my neighbors will mow their grass at 7 am.
Jesus loves me.
Thanks to my Mammaw Patsy’s recipe, I make the best sweet potato pie on the planet. 
Children and Sharpie markers do not mix.
I will be the person the crazy person in the checkout line decides is their new BFF.
It’s okay to be yourself.  Yourself is pretty cool. 
Every scrap of paper and envelope with a phrase or poem I’ve written will be found one day and I will be the modern Emily Dickinson. 

The last thought has stayed with me the last few days.  Dickinson had fewer than a dozen out of 1,800 poems published in her lifetime and posthumously became one of our most celebrated American poets.   While I’m not primarily a poet (save for my vicious haiku), I have had about as much success as a published writer as the Belle of Amherst, so far anyway. 

As I’ve pondered this: my love/hate relationship with writing and the difficulty an undiscovered author has getting one of the publishing houses to look at a manuscript, let alone getting having an audience of readers (unless Oprah happens upon your book, then look out); I’ve come to a realization.  I should have been a screenwriter.

Here’s a haiku for you.

Oprah, read my book

it’s a love story, kinda

it’s one girl’s story

Okay, so I’m thinking the one industry where you can garner an audience and have your name in front of millions is in film.  Granted, people wouldn’t be reading my work, at least it would be out there.  And if it was good enough for F. Scott Fitzgerald when went broke, then heck if it isn’t good enough for Kerry Branton Faler.  Hell, I don’t even have anything to sell out to.  Fitz was a brilliant author, I’m just a girl who can write a decent sentence every once in a while.  

And besides that, you don’t have to be brilliant to be a screenwriter.  What am I talking about — you don’t have to be mediocre these days.  Have you seen what’s making it to screens near you?  For the life of me, I can’t figure out how I can get published, and yet I see trailers for Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus.  It’s a real for real movie.  I’m not making this up.  It stars Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah (Debbie) Gibson and some big ass sea creatures.  Don’t believe me?  Fine.  Here’s the trailer.  

Yeah. 
That’s a movie.  Someone named Jack Perez is the writer and director.  That’s right, he wears two hats on this film.  Two. 

I’m going to self-publish something and I’ll direct the heck out of the movie, too.  I’ll star in the movie!  I have no acting experience, but neither did Debbie Gibson and she’s in the big ass shark vs ginormous freakin’ octopus movie!  Maybe I should switch genres and write science fiction.  I could write about aliens and monsters and stuff.  As long as the aliens and monsters have inner dialogue and anxiety.

Sunday Rewind: Julian Lennon

It's Sunday and I thought we'd spend it with an old crush of mine, Julian Lennon, circa 1984.  Did it get any better than Julian's "Much Too Late For Goodbyes?"  No, it did not.  I still love that song, it's such a fun, catchy song and Julian's voice is perfect.  "Valotte" is just a wonderful song.  I rediscovered it when I was in college when I picked up Volume 10 of the  "Rock of the 80's" tape set in a discount bin (that tape also included "Something About You" by Level 42, "Breakout" by Swing Out Sister, and "Veronica" by the one and only Elvis Costello).  After finding that diamond in the rough, I set out to collect all 15 tapes — and man, that was a quest that rivaled finding the Holy Grail (oh, yes, I found them all, by the way).  Of course now it's available on Amazon, but I found a listing for you of all the tracks to build up your 80's iPod playlist.  You do have an 80's playlist, right?  Good.  Oh, and shut up — Volume 7 features "Girl in Trouble (it's a temporary thing)" by Romeo Void, which is just about the best song title ever and I intend on stealing for the title of my yet to be written memoirs. 

What was I writing about before that ADHD moment?  Julian Lennon.  Rumor is he has finished an album, Everything Changes, to be released this year and his website is currently under construction, so maybe an older Julian will return to the music scene with some good stuff soon.  I certainly hope so.  

Here is the video for "Much Too Late For Goodbyes," with Julian sporting some bad hair and because YouTube doesn't have the "Valotte" video we'll have to make due with the mp3.  How are y'all liking the Goear clips?  I think the quality is nice and I'm impressed with the variety of music I've found there.  On with the tunes…

http://www.goear.com/files/external.swf?file=14a558f

cut here

Hello peeps.  I've been working on ScrapFest! print materials, being Dizzy Miss Busy, but I thought I'd share a little gem I found tonight.  If you've been reading for long y'all know I reference my boys The Cure from time to time and wrote about them on a Tunes You Need Tuesday, but I came across this acoustic version of "Cut Here," which I've never heard before.  After searching Google and a few other  sites, I can't find it available anywhere but Ebay.  It's from the Greatest Hits album from 2001, whichI have, but the import has a bonus cd of 18 acoustic versions of the same 18 original songs from the first cd.  Man, how cool is that?  I love a good import.  So, I just ordered it from Australia.  Yippee, happy me.  I just adore this song.  "Cut Here" is an anagram of the band's name, by the way.  I wondered what the title was about for years before I figured it out one day driving somewhere, then confirmed it not too long ago while reading something about the song.  Anyway, here it is in the acoustic version, with the lyrics.  I just love "until later…doesn't always come."  How true. 

http://www.goear.com/files/external.swf?file=c81f33f


"So we meet again!" and I offer my hand
All dry and English slow
And you look at me and I understand
Yeah it's a look I used to know
"Three long years… And your favourite man…
Is that any way to say hello?"
And you hold me…
Like you'll never let me go
Like you'll never let me go

"Oh c'mon and have a drink with me
Sit down and talk awhile… "
"Oh I wish I could… And I will!
But now I just don't have the time… "
And over my shoulder as I walk away
I see you give that look goodbye…
I still see that look in your eye…

So dizzy Mr Busy – too much rush to talk to Billy
All the silly frilly things have to first get done
In a minute – sometime soon – maybe next time – make it June
Until later… Doesn't always come
Until later… Doesn't always come

It's so hard to think
"It ends sometime
And this could be the last
I should really hear you sing again
And I should really watch you dance"
Because it's hard to think
"I'll never get another chance to hold you…
To hold you… "

But chilly Mr Dilly – too much rush to talk to Billy
All the tizzy fizzy idiot things must get done
In a second – just hang on – all in good time – won't be long
Until later…

I should've stopped to think – I should've made the time
I could've had that drink – I could've talked awhile
I would've done it right – I would've moved us on
But I didn't – now its all too late it's over
And you're gone

I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you so much

But how many times can I walk away
And wish "if only… "
How many times can I talk this way
And wish "if only… "
Keep on making the same mistake
Keep on aching the same heartbreak

I wish "if only… "
But "if only… "
Is a wish too late…

Okay.  Love that.  Here's an extra little happy for you.  I found the acoustic "Just Like Heaven."  Shut up.  How great is that?  The guitar on it is lovely, isn't it?  Little things make me happy.  

Happy Saturday with a little Cure.  


http://www.goear.com/files/external.swf?file=096e106

live blogging the Grey’s Anatomy season finale

8:09 – Ok, I just decided I'm blogging this thing, excuse the times I'm entering — I'm starting now after backing it up to the beginning courtesy of the DVR.

8:10 – Some military dude wants his leg amputated.  Whatev.

8:11 – The Chief just showed off some fancy machine to Bailey.  Whatev.

            Mark just asked Lexie to move in with him and she's just as naive as I am, so she thought he meant he wanted her to come look at the place.  Idiot.

8:12 – oh hell.  Izzie's dreaming she's on a beach with Denny, the deceased fiance.  Last week she married Alex.  Denny is in her imagination.  ANd he's gorgeous and looks almost exactly like a boyfriend I had when I was 17 — the one I blogged about going to the New Year's Party with.  He was a cutie. 

8:15 – Izzie wants the group to vote on whether she should have the surgery or not.  Yeah, that's how I settle important decisions.

8:16 – Cancer doctor lady (forgive me medicial friends) says Izzie should give her treatments a chance. 

8:17 – Bailey is playing with the new giant machine and making lightsaber noises.  Okay then.

8:18 – Derek's had a haircut since last week.  I like how on this show they never talk about things like that 'cause you know doctors have to get haircuts, but you never see that.  I want to see Derek get his haircut.  I want to know what products he uses.

8:20 – Okay, they're doing some brain scan on Izzie.  It's not good.  Crap.

8:23 – Man, I'm an idiot.  I forgot I DVRd this and forgot to skip the commercials. 

8:24 – Derek is telling Alex that Izzie should have the surgery.  Her brain tumor "is sitting on top of whatever it is your brain that makes you you" is what Meredith told her.  Nice. 

8:26 – Callie is talking to wannabe amputee dude.  I don't like Dr. Redheaded Guy. 

8:29 – The Chief and Arizona (worst name ever) are fighting over Bailey.  Everyone wants Bailey.

8:30 – Dayum.  Alex just yelled at Izzie and told her she's having the surgery. 

8:31 – Dr. Redhead Guy is telling Xtina that he's going back to Iraq.  What the heck ev.  What is wrong with him?

8:33 – Cancer patient chick told Izzie that fighting leads to good make-up sex.  What is wrong with these people? 

8:34 – Cancer patient chick is crashing. 

8:35 – I took my eye makeup off 'cause I know I'm going to be crying at some point in this show.  Man, I've caught up with the DVR and can't skip commercials anymore. 

8:38 – They're amputating the armyorwhatever dude's leg per his request.  Ew.  Bone saw.  Ew.

8:40 – Mark is telling Lexie that he wants her to move in with him.  She's saying maybe in 7 years.  

8:44 – Izzie's asking George what she should do.  Everyone needs a friend like George.  Plus, George is cute.  Izzie still looks pretty fab for someone who may be dying of cancer.  Yes, I know this is a tv show.  Shut up.

8:47 – I need some Tylenol.

8:48 – Mere told Derek she wants to get married tomorrow, she can't stand another day not being married to him.  Too bad I think Izzie's going to die in surgery and they won't get married.  Just what I'm thinking.

8:54 – Bailey is great, isn't she?  She reminds me of my friend Maq from highschool.  We'll see if Maq reads my little blog. 

8:56 – Wait a second, Dr. Redhead Guy hadn't told his mama that he was home from Iraq?  See, this is why I don't like this guy, among other reasons.  NO FREAKIN' WAY.  George just joined the Army?!  WTF?  Now they're just messing with me. 

8:57 – Second half of the finale.  Surgery day.  I can't believe they had George join the Army.  I'm not watching this show next season.  YES, I KNOW I SAY THAT EVERY YEAR.  

8:59 – Arizona just welcomed Bailey to the Pediatric program, she didn't seem that trilled.

9:00 – Izzie woke up from surgery.  Awesome.  George told Bailey he joined the Army and she yelled at him.  Love her.

9:02 – OWEN – Dr. Redhead Guy's name is Owen.  Forgot that, sorry. 

9:03 – Dude got hit by a bus and they're paging Derek and Mark Sloan.  Don't think Mere and Derek are getting married today.  Izzie knows where she is and all, but now she's repeating what she just asked, something's wroooooonng. 

9:05 – Crap.  She asked if they got the tumor for a 3rd time and it's like she's hearing the news for the first time.  Damn.

9:06 – it's a TJMaxx commercial.  An intervention for a friend who overspends.  Hmm.  I hate TJMaxx – it's too hard to find stuff in there.  Like a rummage sale.

9:10 – Hit By a Bus Dude is in bad shape.  Remind me to stay away from buses. 

9:12 – I like the top that Not Hit By a Bus Girl is wearing.  Just thought I'd let y'all know.

9:13 – Bailey is mad at Owen because George joined the Army.  Wait.  Where is George?  Wait a minute now.  Tell me Hit By a Bus Dude isn't George because the guy is pretty much unrecognizable and George isn't around during a big ole trauma. 

9:19 – Awesome.  Bailey  has organized an intervention to stop George from joining the Army.

9:21 – I'm pretty positive that dude is George.  This is going to make me so mad. 

9:22 – Bailey told Arizona if she accepts the Ped. fellowship her hubs will divorce her.  Not good.  I keep forgetting I can't skip the commercials. 

9:23 – Two of my friends on Facebook had DVR issues and didn't get to see the whole show.  That would so tick me off.  Maybe it's a good thing I caught up with the DVR.

9:27 – Our group is about to perform surgery on Hit By a Bus Guy who I think is George. 

9:29 – Mere just told them to shut the hell up.  Love her. 

9:30 – Alex is trying to make Izzie remember  things, but her short-term memory is shot.  He's totally freaking out.  Never liked him much.  I don't like people who yell.  Yelling is not desirable.  Especially if, oh, I don't know, you just had freakin' BRAIN surgery.

9:36 – I've noticed the commercials are getting longer now.  Sucks.

9:37 – Mere says she's going to city hall to marry Derek.  We'll see.  She told Xtina she loves her.  Xtina is hugging her.  Feel the love.  Warm fuzzies.

9:39 – Okay, Arizona/Nevada/whatever told Callie she thinks it's brave George joined the Army 'cause her brother died over there because there weren't enough good docs.  Callie gets it. 

9:40 – Xtina told Owen she loves him.  It is the warm fuzzy show!

9:42 – Alex told Izzie to suck it up.  He's telling Izzie what he really thinks and yep, he's a punk ass jerk like I've always said.  Duh.  He said it 'cause she said she'd forget what he said in a minute anyway.  Genius. 

9:43 – Commercial.  Can we talk about this Alex thing for sec?  Good.  I don't get mean people.  Seriously.  Why spend all that energy on being a punk?  And don't give me all the "he's a tortured soul" crap.  I'm a tortured soul and I'm nice.  Sure, I'm sarcastic and I curse more than I should, but come on.  Come the freak on.&#016
0;

9:46 – Bailey is crying.  I actually haven't cried yet.  I cried all over the place last week.  Bailey will stay in general surgery. 

9:48 – Just so you know, I've liked how they've shot around Lexie's preggo belly this season.  Great, now Lucy Dog is barking and I have to let her in.  Ugh.

9:51 – Derek and Mere are writing a marriage contract on Post-it Notes and kissing like that's real.  Sweet gesture and all, but they're not married.  Whatev.  I'm disappointed.

9:53 – Izzie just remembered all the crap Alex said.  So maybe she's okay after all. 

9:54 – The Chief just told Callie and Bailey that George never scrubbed in.  THAT'S  BECAUSE GEORGE IS HIT BY A BUS GUY!  I told you.  HELL TO THE NO.  Sometimes I really hate being right.  Damn.

9:56 – DOUBLE HELL TO THE NO. 

9:56 – Izzie's crashing.  Alex is freaking the hell out.  The Chief said screw the DNR, get a crash cart.  That's right, Chief!  You go Chief!

9:58 – I'm so not watching this show next season.  Izzie was crashing, they said "we're losing him" about George.  Then they showed Izzie in the elevator wearing the prom dress she had on when Denny died (moment of silence for my boyfriend Denny), the elevator opened and George was standing there in an army uniform with a buzzed head.  I have no words. 

9:59 – Nope.  Not going to watch it.  I mean it this time. 

what not to wear

http://www.someecards.com/usercards/someEcards.swf

I know what you're thinking, "Kerry, how do you do it?  Style, smokin' bikini body, and sharp wit — how do you not tell people what's what on a daily basis?"  Well, that would be my general disinterest in speaking to people.  Trust me, it takes quite the amount of effort to feign busyness and preoccupation when someone is attempting to grab my attention or start a convo while I'm in a doctor's waiting room, as I was yesterday.  

As usual, I was trying to appear engrossed in something so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone, this time I was playing on Facebook on my iPhone, then moved onto a game of SuperBreakout before updating my calendar.  Apparently I did not appear busy enough, as a woman started talking to me.  This woman asked my name, said she sees me everywhere, and that our kids go to the same Mother's Day Out.  It was at this moment that I thought either I had a stalker or that maybe I need to pay more attention to my surroundings, because I don't recall ever seeing this person in my life.  And so I was trapped in the waiting room having to talk to this woman until she was called back and she stood and flung her purse on her arm.  This is the purse she was carrying.

E9cb_1 People, this is atrocious.  How many tiny round zebras had to die to make this purse?  Now, I'm all for making a statement with accessories, but the only statement this bag makes is:  yeah, the safari had great shopping!

We need to talk about choices for a moment.  I don't know who started the circle-flappy purse craze, but I'd like to beat them over the head with every mall kiosk circle bag ever made.  Certainly these were first made by a designer, but in the trickle-down to the malls the bag morphed into the ugly we have here.  I'm going to give y'all some advice on this one.  If you have to have a trendy bag and are getting a knock-off of the real thing, stay within the original color range the bag was made in. 

Speaking of, if you have a fake Coach bag with random letters on it, do us all a favor and set fire to it right now.  Go ahead, I'll wait.  Done?  good.  We will not speak of this atrocity again.  

Moving on to an atrocity so heinous I'm tempted to skip the subject, but something needs to be said.  If you are out of college or are old enough to have a real job, you are too old for velour sweatpants with words on the ass. 

Ass This is not a good look.  

Dear Woman in the Doctor's Office With Two Clingy Children,

There is nothing Juicy about your ass. 

Best Wishes,

Humanity.

People, if you are in your mid-thirties and have had a couple of babies you will no longer be able to purchase sweatpants with words on them.  Period.  For the love of retail, just stop.  If you are my age (thirtysomething) you are are not Juicy, Baby, Sweetie, or Pink.  You are not an Angel, Cutie, Princess, or Spoiled.  What you are is stupid and you look like a fool.  Yesterday when I saw the mom paying her bill, wearing the pants in question, it took every ounce of restraint I had not to walk up and say, "Hi, I'm Kerry from my blog and I'm here to help.  Let's go to The Gap and get you some pants, then we'll have a bonfire with the hideous cellulite-hugging pink things you're wearing.  Don't worry kids, your mom is in the hands of a semi-professional who has seen every eppie of What Not to Wear!  I'm like a chubby Stacey London!"  I just need my Clinton Kelly. 


the "this is my ass" image is from http://www.lanceandeskimo.com. thanks!

open letter to bad drivers, lane jockeys, and the like

Dear You Know Who You Are,

During my 5 hour drive on I-10 yesterday afternoon you made me glad for not being a gun owner.  Yes, you in the gold Mazda sedan.  I'm not prone to road rage, being that I am extremely easy going girl, but damn.   It's a good thing I was only armed with my iPhone yesterday and not a weapon because I would have put a cap in your ass.  You would have deserved it. 

Iphone 021 Let me explain something to you, Miss I Don't Know What Cruise Control Is.  Normal people like to drive at one speed, being that there are these things called Speed Limits posted every so often along the interstate.  I'm sure you're not aware of what Speed Limits are, being that you obviously received your driver's license from Ed's House of Driving and Bong Emporium, so I'll educate you on the subject. 

Speed Limit signs tell you what speed you're supposed to go on a given road.  That means you should make that speed a goal and stick with it.  There's a dial on your dashboard called the Speedometer that shows you what speed you're going, you should consult that from time to time.  There is also a wonderful magic button  on your steering wheel called Cruise Control.  Pressing this button makes your car travel at the same speed until you press the button again.  You don't have to press the gas pedal or anything!  Gnomes and fairies do it for you!  Look into this.  I speak for all of south Louisiana in saying you need to use Cruise Control or just stop driving.  When the Speed Limit is 70, driving in a range from 65 to 85 is not acceptable.  Seriously.  There are other cars that have to drive behind you.

That brings me to another point you're painfully not aware of.  You need to pick a lane and stay there.  For the love of asphalt, I-10 is not the effing Indy 500 or the Kentucky freaking Derby.  The left lane is for passing, or in my case trying to stay away from you.  Weaving in and out of traffic and various speeds is not only annoying, it is dangerous.  By the way, the bumpy area on the side of the interstate is called the shoulder, it's not a lane.  But I'm not sure if you were aware of the bumpiness by the way you were chewing that wad of Bubbalicious.  Again, not sure if you're aware, but other people can see you while you're driving.  And I did think it quite humorous that you made your way to the exit touting "Acadiana's Best Boudin and Cracklins," but that's really neither here nor there. 

Best of luck learning to drive properly,

Kerry