Everyone has that person in their life who gives unsought advice. Are you thinking of that person in your life? If you don't have one of those people in your life, then guess what? You're that person who gives advice to your friends.
The person who doles out uninvited advice in my life is a dearly loved individual, whom I call fairly often. This is a sample conversation from a couple of weeks ago:
Me: So, I was in my doctor's office, the nurse had already taken my vitals and I was waiting.
Not Dr. Phil: Were your vitals okay?
Me: Yeah, they were fine. Anyway, so I'm waiting and 10 minutes goes by and I hear the doctor's voice and he's talking to someone about shrimp right outside the exam room.
NDP: Maybe they were allergic to shellfish.
Me: Not so much. It was a drug rep telling Dr. Nameless about all the shrimp dishes she makes and that next time she calls on him she will bring barbecue shrimp.
NDP: That sounds delicious.
Me: Then the drug rep, my doc, and the nurses start doing the scene from Forrest Gump. And I can hear all of this.
NDP: That was a good movie.
Me: Yeah, it was. So, I'm wondering how long this is going to go on, then I hear my doctor say "Owww" and the nurse asks if he's alright and he says he's stapled his finger. When he finally comes into the exam room he's all bandaged up and I'm just sitting there wondering what Three Stooges movie I'm in."
NDP: Well, you know what Dr. Phil would say about that…
And that's when my eyes roll back into my head. Not only do I not know what Dr. Phil would say about that, I do not want to know what Dr. Phil would say about it. Really. Not only that, but sometimes when you're talking to another person, you're just relaying a story or you want to be heard, not be given advice. It's even more aggravating when the person is a loved one. Dear sweet mother of Oprah, it's the worst when they're quoting Dr. Phil. I simply can't take it.
After talking to the Not Dr. Phil in my life, I thought to myself, "self, you could have an advice column. Hell, you could have an advice talk show." Really. My friends and family often come to me for advice, maybe they have seen the obvious gift I have for the advice game. I'm pretty sure I'm as decent at it as Dr. Phil and I'm certainly cuter. So, I've compiled a list of Dr. Philisms and under each one is the Kerry spin: real advice from a woman of the people.
Awareness without action is worthless. Dr. Phil McGraw
Neither awareness nor action will happen without my morning coffee. Not gonna happen. Kerry B. Faler
You're only lonely if you're not there for you. Dr. Phil McGraw
Sometimes you need a friend. Sometimes being there for you is what I call having multiple personalities. But hey, guess you're never lonely if you have multiple personalities. One is the loneliest number, by the way. Kerry B. Faler
You cannot be who and what you are unless you have a lifestyle, both
internally and externally, that is designed to support that definition
of self. Dr. Phil McGraw
Hey, it's not a lifestyle, I was born this way! I'm attracted to the opposite sex and I make no apologies for it! I did not choose this lifestyle — no one would want the lifestyle of a straight, pale, redhaired, creatively scatter-brained, plus-sized love-goddess supermodel . Okay, so I'm not a supermodel, I exaggerated a bit. Kerry B. Faler
If you want more, you have to require more from yourself. Dr. Phil McGraw
If you want more go back for seconds. Anybody from the south knows you don't walk away from the table hungry. Our grandmothers wouldn't have it. Oh, and check before in case it's a potluck, you may be required to bring something yourself. I suggest a nice peach cobbler or a trifle. Everyone likes a trife. Kerry B. Faler
Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right. Dr. Phil McGraw
Always get directions or have GPS. I can't tell you how many times I made the decision to make a right and it should have been a left! This would have been a non-issue if I had brought the TomTom and we would have arrived on time and not had an arguement. Kerry B. Faler
You have the duty and gift of living. You don't have the right to sit
on the sidelines–use your life and get back into the game. Dr. Phil McGraw
Maybe you just haven't found the right game! I was never good at sports, then lo and behold, I made it to my college's intramural finals in badminton (true story). Sometimes it takes a while to find what game is right for you, and boardgames count too! Anyone for Trivial Pursuit? I kick ass at Trivial Pursuit. Kerry B. Faler
Failure is no accident. Dr. Phil McGraw
Failure can be fun! I failed lots of subjects in school and had to go to summer school one year. I made a friend in my class who loved all the new wave music I liked and made me a few cool mixed tapes. That year I also dated a boy from my driver's ed class. Oh, and because of my failing grades in college algebra, I had a supercute math tutor. You can get a lot out of failure! Kerry B. Faler
The most you get is what you ask for. Dr. Phil McGraw
Sometimes you don't get what you ask for. And sometimes you get something better than what you asked for. Sometimes what you asked for isn't what you needed in the first place. Really. Did you need a pony from Santa when you were nine? No. Did you need that restraining order after your stalker wouldn't leave you the hell alone after he stole your Fleetwood Mac Greatest Hits cd and kept showing up outside your college dorm? YES! It's need versus want, baby. And like Mick said, you can't always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes you get what you need. Kerry B. Faler
The quickest way from A to B is not always at the most feverish pace. Dr. Phil McGraw
Look, I was never that great at word problems and I'm pretty sure Dr. Smartypants is trying to trick me on that one. All I know is if you need to get from point A to point B, be sure you have plenty of gas, some cash, a change of undies (always a good idea), and good driving music. And for goodness sakes, take the directions and don't speed. Kerry B. Faler
You need to listen to your body because your body is listening to you. Dr. Phil McGraw
My body must need hearing aids, 'cause it sure can't hear me. I tell my body all the time: be a size ten! And every morning I wake up the same size. I tell my nails to grow thicker and they're still thin — my nails and my ankles are the thinnest parts of me — my body has a great sense of humor. My body has done it's own thing since I was 16. We're barely on speaking terms these days. Kerry B. Faler
If you need advice, leave your dilemma in the Comments. A friend and reader reported that the Comments work if you're on Firefox, so TAKE THAT INTERNET EXPLORER!
