Okay, this made me laugh hysterically because the voiceover is exactly what I do when I watch movies with the hubs. It doesn't matter what movie it is, I can adapt it to be ridiculous (unless it's Shawshank, the hubs would be offended if I made fun of Shawshank.)
"It's like Pretty in Pink, but if the dress looked good."
"that's how you do it, bitch." I love this so much.
More like "kissing under the mistletoe…have you taped mistletoe to your forehead and waited with your lips puckered?"
Yes, I have. No, I didn't actually do that. Maybe.
Because this makes me laugh, behold the real recent search terms people have used and landed on this here blog.
how to tie a male sarong
Flame Miser
slapaho
sexy french male model
retro girdles
family planning Cameroon
red panda up view
weird nativity sets
flame hair
something for Christmas for 7 year old girls
photo stufy doctors
mafioso wear
custom urinal
dolphin heart diagram
figure shape different body brick
fat face swimwear
Now that last one is just mean. I didn't include the tons of BBW pin-up searches (pun intended) because the reading would have become redundant after two seconds. If you'll excuse me, I have to find a "photo of stufy doctors."
This year we are hosting my husband's family's Christmas party. I've never hosted it and I don't own a tablecloth. I don't like them. I like the look of wood, not a tablecloth. I feel pressured to buy one. But enough about my neuroses.
OMG. Do I have make a cheeseball?
So, we're having this party. Santa will come, the hubs' grandmother will read T'was the Night Before Christmas, there will be gumbo (better than There Will Be Blood, but you never know), and we will have presents. There are always questionable presents, but you didn't hear that from me.
On Christmas Eve, we will go to church and then to my mother-in-law's for a party. There is no telling what we will have to eat. As you recall, last year I missed all the parties and stayed home on Percocet and had red velvet cake because that was the only thing I could eat that didn't hurt my recently-pulled wisdom teeth. This year I didn't schedule any surgeries, so I guess I have to be in attendance. It is too late to schedule some liposcution? Anysuction, at the MIL's house, we draw names for gifts. I usually get some Vera Bradley. I can't complain.
Christmas Day is all about the immediate family. Meaning, when my children wake up, they will immediately come wake us up so they can get to the loot Santa brought. I will pretend to be surprised with whatever the hubs gives me because most of the time I order whatever it is for myself (except last year when one of my gifts was Ricky Martin's biography).
Now, I know I like to say "of all time" a lot, but I have found the best Christmas song of all time (this time). I did not know The Weather Girls, of "It's Raining Men" fame, did a Christmas song. OH, but they did. The Weather Girls were a plus-sized man-hungry duo in the 80s who made this gem:
I'm playing that at the Faler Christmas party. In fact, I may sing it by the fireplace in a red jumpsuit.
Newsflash: I like food.
I really like holiday food. My favorite Christmastime food would probably be eggnog shakes. You can't drink eggnog at any other time of year because it wouldn't be the same. Plus, it's not exactly a refreshing drink, so you woudn't have it in the spring or summer. There is a reason no one hands marathon runners cups of eggnog while they run past. Eggnog is for winter. It's for an evening by the fireplace watching old Chirstmas movies.
Eggnog shakes on the other hand are for when one is out shopping for presents and one must drive through McDonalds because the sign says "Egg Nog Shakes" and it is like a beacon to the rich tasty goodness.
Mmm eggnog shakes.
Every time I see this trailer for War Horse, I think they're saying War Whores, which would be the best movie of all time. I'm telling you, I've started the rough draft of my screenplay, War Whores, and it's going to win every award that has a carpet.
Why does Hollywood keep making horse movies? In the past 10 or 15 years, there have been a plethora of horse movies because everyone loves horses, I guess. I'm allergic to them, so I couldn't care less.
First there was The Horse Whisperer, where Robert Redford whispers to horses. That was more boring that the conversations that go on during a gynecological exam. In fact, I'm writing that script too. Then there was Seabiscuit, where Spiderman was a jockey and The Dude was someone else who wasn't the jockey because he was too tall. Then there was Secretariat (Seabiscuit 2) with Freaking John Malkovich because people can't get enough of horse movies with people that resemble horses. Next Hillary Swank and Sarah Jessica Parker will star in My Little Pony: The Movie as Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.
And the horse in War Horse is named Joey, which is a name for a kangaroo. Everyone knows that. You know who's playing the horse? Some horse. Like you would know who the horse was. You know who's directing it? Steven Freaking Spielberg. Really. Guess he likes horses. I blame him that I keep thinking they're saying War Whores in the trailer.
Nevermind, I may ask him to direct my screenplay.
It's that time again.
That's right, it's The Kerry Blog Christmas Ugly Lawn Decor Contest. Readers search far and wide (much like the 3 kings searching for Baby Jesus) for the ugliest Christmas yard they can find to submit to the Kerry Blog. This year I'm giving away a $15 iTunes gift card. So, go ahead and enter. You know you want to.
And in case you're new to the blog and wondering just how tacky tacky can be, take a look.
I think being nice is overrated. Once someone told me how nice I was and I told Frugal Beth about it. Bethy said "nice is not a word I would use to describe you."
True story.
I'm not particularly naughty. Sometimes I'm quite good, I'm just complicated. I have a firey temper and I'm moody. I'm sarcastic. I stopped caring about putting up a nice front a few years ago because it just wasn't me, but I still refer to myself as America's Sweetheart, because frankly, someone has to.
If Santa brings me coal, I'll know it's because I ate his cookies.
Why Ruby Tuesday? Because it's a good song and also my birthstone and I like them. And I was born on a Tuesday. For real – look it up on my Wikipedia entry. Full disclosure: I don't have a Wikipedia entry, but if I did it would say I was born on a Tuesday in July.
Andrew McCarthy was 49 last week. My first celebrity crush is almost 50, y'all. That does not make me old. He is still gorgeous.
The other night I saw an infographic of penis sizes in Europe. Let that sink in for a minute. I didn't realize it was in centimeters and it scared me to death for a minute. Then I thought one would have to have a cavernous vajayjay to accomodate all that. Then I thought Cavernous Vajayjay is the best band name I've ever thought of.
I want a job with a record company where they pay me to think of band names all day. Is that a job? Don't tell me it's not.
I have the worst paper cut of all time on my right ring finger. There may be a telethon for me, stay tuned.
My Alec Baldwin was kicked off a flight on American Airlines today for "abusive behavior" after being "reamed out" for playing Words With Friends after being told to turn off his phone. This is terrible. My Alec was treated like a terrorist. I tweeted him to stay strong.
The oldest child asked me to get her a dreidel. She referred to it as "that spinny thing with symbols on it." We're Baptists.
Just tried to change the television channel with the phone.
You know what I don't get? Steam punk.
