Today has been weird. Not that yesterday wasn't weird, but today was even more so.

I really need a nap. I had a hard time sleeping last night, despite taking Ambien and anxiety drugs. I dreamed that I was at a Walmart with a lot of celebrities and a few of my friends. I was wearing something with one shoulder that I would never wear in real life and I was talking to Matthew Broderick, which would totally happen in real life. Also, I haven't been to a Walmart in several years.

My obsession with Hoarders is probably overboard when I'm talking about it with a friend at lunch and a complete stranger chimes in from another table and asks if we're talking about Hoarders. She then asked if we watch Extreme Couponing and my friend actually said "no, the people on that show are crazy."

Do you ever get the feeling that the fortune cookie fortune writers aren't even trying?

My Target lady told me today that she was going to wait until I put everything from my cart onto the conveyor belt before she started ringing me up because she wanted to see I was getting. She said "I know how you do." This is the same lady that said "it can't be that bad" when bought a bottle of Kaluha and a softball bat.

When family members on Hoarders say "it can't get worse than this" when they see the first room, you know it's going to be 10 times worse when they go into the bathroom or kitchen.

Ben Folds Five is releasing a new album this spring. Do you know how excited I am? 

I'm watching an Oprah interview with George Lucas and his girlfriend. The girlfriend told O that she had to teach George all the things about being black and now he's an expert in black. Then he waved one finger at the camera and said he learned how to be a black mother. I'm not making this up. I promise. I swear.

Raise your hand if you knew George Lucas was dating a black woman. Shut up – you did not.

I went to the bowling alley today to put a deposit down for the 11 year old's birthday. There was a sign on the door that said "proper dress required." Thank goodess I have a bowling shirt. I really do. I think I need a glove. You should know that I practically grew up in a bowling alley. My mom and grandmother were on leagues and I went to the bowling alley with them as often as possible. The bowling alley is where I mastered my Centipede game and ate grilled cheese sandwiches. I was on a first name basis with the concession people. The bowling alley in my town has an adjacent day care center and an urgent care office across the parking lot. I love America.

My mouth tastes like cilantro.

Did you hear Snoop Dogg has endorsed Ron Paul? I love America. He tweeted a picture of Ron Paul with the caption "smoke weed everyday." You can't make this stuff up, people.

Would it be wrong to have M&Ms for dinner tonight? They're peanut, so – yay! protein.

My dad called War Horse "Horse Wars," then called it "Horse Whores" before saying it correctly. For the record, "Horse Whores" would be a terrible movie and possibly illegal, definitely insane. My dad also said he would not install ceiling fans in his girlfriend's house because he is not bonded and insured.

I bought a new nail polish and painted my nails this afternoon. Seven hours later it still smells wet. How am I going to sleep smelling that?

Tomorrow starts a new month and a new blog series. Cue the applause.

 

 

Friday night, the hubs and I watched Real Steel, which you may know as Wolverine Teaches Transformers to Box. Yesterday I watched Batman Begins for the hundredth time. Now I'm watching The Prestige, which should be called Wolverine and Batman Do Magic!

I've been watching a lot of television lately. Don't judge.

As I tweeted yesterday, I told the hubs that Bruce Springsteen is now on the Jazzfest line up. He started singing "Jack and Diane," which is by John Cougar Mellencamp. That pretty much sums up the hubs.

Batman has lots of different haircuts in this movie. I'm not bothering to learn his name because he's Batman in every movie he's in.

I could find some guys hanging out in a music store and form a better band than the one in the Free Credit Report.com commercial.

David Bowie is in this. Why is he not in more movies? 

I don't think this is a true story. Bowie is playing Nikola Tesla and I don't recall reading that Tesla built machines for magicians. That would really beat Edison.

Okay, that movie was confusing. 

In other news, Lou Diamond Phillips (LDP) beat Coolio on a cooking competition tonight. Coolio kept yelling "shaka zulu" and for some reason thought he was getting his own cooking show upon winning. LDP was an overdramatic punk and referred to his 50 brazillion movies he's made. Well, LDP, the Internet Movie Database says you're starring in Arachnaconda next year. Arachnaconda. Is that a spider/snake? What in the name of La Bamba are you thinking?

Someone searched for "male gays wedding on beach" and landed on my blog. Yeah. There was also a search that I can't write because it's too awful. People are sick. You know who you are, person who searched for a certain pic of Miss Albania.

When the psychologist on Hoarders shows up in a suit I always think they are way overdressed.

More later. My brain is on overload.

 

 

I took this screencap of the episode of Hoarders I'm watching right now.

If you have sensitive ears, don't watch this. For everyone else – enjoy.

 

Dear Person on You Tube Who Commented on One of My Videos That I Am:

"A very typical materialistic BITCH!! Who cares? Have you seen yourself in the mirror? Bucktooth fat bitch with a bad perm." That wasn't enough, so they commented on another video (of my neighbor's Christmas decor), "Your so FUCKING annoying!! This is why your so DAMN fat, bucktooth, and have a bad perm.  Go and do something with your life, than be a noisy neighbor!"

Naturally, I was offended because I do not have a perm. Get your facts straight, jackass. 

And I do not have buck teeth. I have a gap between my front teeth. If you're going to insult someone, at least get it right. 

As far as being fat, YOU GOT ME! Damn you and your perceptiveness! All these years I thought I was hiding the fat, but you found me out! Really, do you think you're the first person to call me fat? Do you think the word "fat" offends me? It doesn't. I know I'm fat. The thing is that fat is the easiest insult to go with because it's SO obvious and easy. If it weren't those things, children wouldn't say it to taunt other children on playgrounds. So, yeah, I'm fat and you called me fat on a video from 2008. Guess what? I don't care. I'm not deleting your comment because it shows how much of an idiot you are. Calling me fat says nothing about the person I am, it shows that you are a bully (and that you probably have a tiny penis). 

Here is the screen cap of what someone else said about me last year. 

Calling someone names on the internet is weak. On the internet you're faceless and can act big when you're just a jerk with a You Tube account. You can't hurt my feelings because I don't know you and you don't know me. 

Calling me materialistic is just freaking hilarious. The video was taken from inside my 2005 basic model Chrysler Town and Country minivan. No leather, no heated seats, no working cd player because my son stuffed pennies into it (and the tape player, too, for that matter). 

You can say I'm annoying and that I'm a bitch – at least those are debatable. I would say I'm both occasionally and maybe at the same time. Anything is possible. 

To sum up, I know I'm fat. I may be an annoying bitch, but I do not have a perm or buck teeth and I am not materialistic. Also, I am in no way "typical." How dare you?

 

This was my Facebook status last night: Elton John looks so pissed.

Today we have pictures from the Daily What!

Good thing Morgan Freeman cheered Sir Elton up. 

The Golden Globes aren't over yet, but I thought I'd go ahead say this was the best part of this year's show.

from The Daily What

Guess what? It's Golden Globes night. You know what that means – The Seacrest will have uncomfortable interviews on the red carpet while I'll be throwing grammar and spelling out the window, live-blogging starting at 5 central.

I've got my coffee, let's get this show on the road, Seacrest.

5pm  - I hate his tie already.

5:01 – the red carpet show is on E, the Kardashian Network, in case you didn't know.

5:02 – Ricky Gervais is hosting the GGs tonight. He's wearing a burgandy jacket on the red carpet and instead of the evil goatee, he's sporting a scruffy beard. I would live-blog the Globes, but why? 

5:04 – And we have a Clooney sighting. He's wearing a tux by The Men's Wearhouse. Not really. Maybe, it's hard to tell with tuxes.

5:06 – Oh good, Ross Matthews in a co-host. He makes me laugh. Kelly Osborne's hair is lavendar. It clashes with her blue dress. And tattoos. 

5:07 – I am wearing a white v-neck t-shirt by The Lane Bryant with gray yoga pants.

5:11 – It's George and Stacy. Like she's going to be around long enough to be on a first name basis with us. Her dress is red and not Clooney-worthy. Geroge says he's getting face-down drunk tonight. Remember his days on the Facts of Life? He should have been nominated for that. Her dress is really a nothing. Guiliana wants to know what they do on a fun date night. Stacy said sushi. Shut up.

 5:15 – one of the girls from Modern Family is wearing D&G. Purple tea-length. She's awfully giggly. Like me after a margarita. 

5:16 – there was a dog on the red carpet. For real – a dog.

5:21 – Adam Levine from Maroon 5 is wearing a tux. I hate the scruffy face.

5:23 – Debra Messing is on tv again?

5:24 – Melissa McCarthy is wearing a boring green gown that looks like something I would order and send back. Girl needs a good plus-size stylist. Honey, you have to have a dress with some shape or you just look like you're wearing a tent. Trust me, I know. 

5:28 – some chick from The Help is on with Giuliana. Her hair looks too severe on the top and she's wearing all white. Very covered up and virginal. I wouldn't know much about that.

5:30 – Nicole Ritchie is wearing a silvery beaded dress and she's actually going to be on tv again soon, so she's at the GGs promoting that. 

5:31 – Kelly and Ross don't get to actually talk to celebs, they just talk about them when The Seacrest and Giuliana are between celebs. Oh, Piper Perabo is in the Pepsi Glam Cam 360. She's wearing a giant skirted gray dress with a cut out on the back. I think she thought she was going to be a Disney Princess tonight.

5:34 – It's Eric Stonestreet from Modern Fam. Oh, I love him. And he's wearing a tux. Just once I'd like to live-blog "and he's wearing a scuba suit WITH an oxygen tank." Come on, Lady Gaga, show up in a scuba suit. 

5:36 – OMG Buffy the Vampire Slayer spilled blue ink all over her white gown and no one is offering to help her get cleaned up. This is just sad. You know, it could also be that light sensitive fabric. Maybe her stylist left her gown out on the dashboard.

 5:38 – Diane Lane and the Younger Brolin. He said his tux is by JC Penney. Now that's hot.

Here's Buffy's dress.

 I think Girl looks cray-cray.

5:42 – Octavia Spencer from The Help is wearing lavendar. Looks like something Krystle would have worn on Dynasty. Not great. I don't love the rhinestoney middle. Very Krystle.

5:44 – Slumdog Millionactress is wearing  Prada. It looks too big,  just ill-fitting. Maybe maternity. Not good.

5:46 – Sofia Varga says she likes Vera Wang dresses b/c they zip and close. That's pretty much my criteria too. And Julie Bowen showed up. She's wearing something really pale and her hair is very old hollywood. I do like her sleeves. She's going for a Grace Kelly look. I get it. She showed her muscles. That's very un-Grace. 

5:50 – Girl With the Ugly Black Dress is talking to Ryan. 

5:53 – if you didn't think that last post we funny then we could not be friends in real life. 

5:55 – I love Charlize Theron. She's wearing a sparkly headband. 

5:56 – The guy from Breaking Bad is wearing a tux. Let's pretend he's in one of Don Johnson's suits from Miami Vice so the show won't be so freaking boring.

5:58 – I'm pretending Mr Shu from Glee is wearing an old timey golf outfit with argyle socks. He's saying words. I'm bored. Something something Cameron Diaz. Something something tall hair.

6:00 – Zooey DeChannel is wearing green the way you're supposed to wear green. A nice pop of green. Her hair looks very heavy. 

6:02 – Jane Lynch is with The Seacrest, but who cares because Brad and Angelina showed up and Brad has his Big Daddy Pimp Cane. Now, I read that he's actually injured, thus the cane, but come on – he looks like a pimp.

6:03 – Ross and Kelly were freaking because Brad opened the door from Angie. That's what he's supposed to do. This is not MAJAH.

6:04 – some French bitch is talking to The Seacrest. She's in The Artist. I've seen commercials for that. It's a silent movie. Yeah, I won't be seeing that. Ever.

6:07 – I figured out what Zooey's hair looked like – it was channeling Loretta Lynn. You know it totally was. 

6:09 – Ashton, people stopped caring about you awhile back. 

6:09 – Jonah Hill is wearing parachute pants and a vest with no shirt. His date is his sister. That's not chiche for the the fat guy, no not at all. 

6:11 – Charlize! Love the Dior dress. Love the headband. Look how short she makes The Seacrest look. He's a hobbit.

6:13 – It's Salma Hayek who is not Penelope Cruz. I sometimes get the two confused. Salma is wearing a black dress with C-3P0's chest piece for no reason.

6:18 – Brad Pitt is talking about his injury. He said it's minor. I hate Angie's dress. She looks great, red lips. Brad is wearing MC Hammer Pants and a big gold chain. The cornrows are a bit much, but the pimp hat looks good with the cane. He's talking about Moneyball, which I actually watched last night. 

6:22 – do y'all want to come over later and watched the Globes? I'll make white Russians. Someone bring a cookie cake.

6:24 – someone bring rotel dip too. And chips.

6:25 – Michelle Williams is also wearing a headband and a velvet burnout blue dress. Blue velvet. She should have gone with a sparkly headband. 

6:26 – other girl from Modern Family's zipper broke. Girl, been there. OMG she weighs maybe 85 lbs and said she didn't diet for tonight. Someone hit her with a cookie cake.

6:29 – on second thought, don't waste good cookie cake.

6:30 – Kate Beckinsale in some nude dress. SWEET MOTHER OF SEACREST, WOULD SOMEONE WEAR COLOR? WOULD IT KILL YOU PEOPLE? THIS IS BORING. 

6:31 – Heidi Klum is wearing something with a lot of turquoise. 

6:33 – Jimmy Fallon is wearing a clown suit and a big red nose. Reese Witherspoon is in a great deep red dress. 

6:34 – I hate Kelly's lavendar hair so much. Is it lavander? Who cares? I don't. Giuliana was just with David Duchovny. Do y'all remember the song "David Duchovny, Why Won't You Love Me?" The 90s were awesome.

6:36 – do y'all remember the 90s?

6:38 – Leo Dicaprio's highlighted hair showed up.

6:39 – Lea Michelle is wearing Marchesa and I love it, but it should have been worn by an older actress.

6:40 – It's Madonna and she has stuffed her boobs into a silver and black dress and has on fingerless gloves for crying outloud. Is it 1984? Where am I? I don't know who the woman standing next to her is, but I like her dress. Madonna needs lipstick. She's looking a little jowly. 

6:43 – I don't know who the couple talking to Giuliana is. They're young Hollywood. Probably on one of those new shows I've never heard of. 

6:44 – It's Maya Rudolph. Dark dress. I'm rather unimpressed with the colors tonight. Boy from Glee is wearing a regular tie with his tux, I mean his cub scout uniform. I don't care anymore. Something something Glee something something words.

6:46 – It's Jessica Alba. She always looks the same. I can't take her. She makes me tired. Like when you're sitting on the sofa in front of the fireplace wishing you weren't bored kind of tired.

6:51 – Claire Danes in something that looks like a Project Runway creation. One that Michael Kors would say "is this Slutty Nun Goes to the Opera? Is this Biker Nun Chic?"

6:53 – Giuliana asked Elle McPherson what her favorite and least favorite body part is. She said her favorite is her heart. I'm going to vomit. I don't watch the red carpet for that crap.

6:55 – is this over yet? This has been the most boring red carpet in the history of flooring.