Longtime readers know I love Hello Kitty. Raise your hand if you knew this. Put your arm down, I can’t see you, fool – this is the interwebs.
I’m not sure when my love of Hello Kitty began. I don’t like the television show. It’s creepy. I mainly like that one can buy anything with Hello Kitty’s image, in the shape of Hello Kitty, etc.*
For example, I like to start my day with a balanced breakfast or corn flakes and bacon.
After Hello Kitty bacon, it’s time for a Hello Kitty smoke. Smoke ’em if you got ’em, y’all. Hello Kitty cancer will be so cute!
Then I get dressed. Today I’m wearing my Hello Kitty brass knuckles. They make me feel empowered and feminine.
Put on a little Hello Kitty, um, deodorant. Yeah, that’s it. I don’t know what this scent is. I’m scared.
Sometimes it’s hard to find a bra to fit these Hello Kitty implants I got a few years ago, but it’s worth it.
When I’m feeling fancy, I’ll pop in my Hello Kitty grill. You know, for nights out – weddings, bar mitzvahs, partying with my homies on occasions where chewing is not required.
Or sometimes I stay home and chop firewood with my Hello Kitty ax. I might need it to chop down my Christmas tree.
Because it’s always a very Hello Kitty Christmas.
After a long day of chopping wood or doing whatever, I might light up my Hello Kitty bong, er, uh, pipe.
I’ll put on my Hello Kitty glasses and settle in for a cozy night.
Blogging on my Hello Kitty typewriter. It’s harder to blog on a typewriter, but again – it’s worth it. I’m old school.
One day I’ll die, but don’t worry, I’m Hello Kitty TO THE GRAVE. That’s right. A Hello Kitty coffin.
Complete with the Hello Kitty headstone. Although mine will be pink and shaped like a bow because I’m classy like that.
*all photos from Hello Kitty Hell. No, I don’t have any of these, but I’m saving up for that headstone.
