things that keep me up at night

There are things in this world that keep me up at night and I thought maybe if I put wrote some of them down I’ll be able to sleep tonight. I’ve had insomnia off and on since I was a teen and although I’ve seen a lot of great cable tv (shout out to 120 minutes on MTV) and infomercials over the years, I would prefer sleep over most of them. Most. Except maybe the Shark Steamer. I had to get one after I saw that thing get junk off the floor Dude, it got dried-up grape jelly off the kitchen tile. I’m a sucker for cleaning products and other things. And there are a few infomercials that crack me up, the Craft Lite Cutter shows just how difficult it is to cut a straight line. I never knew what a problem it was to cut things without the aid of light, as I do not commonly craft in the dark. I think maybe the Craft Lite Cutter is made for crafty vampires who have to scrapbook at night. They scrapbook, you know, vampires. It’s calming, kind of like knitting. Ask Anne Rice. See, that’s the kind of stuff that keeps me awake. Here’s something that’s been bothering me lately, maybe you can relate, probably not, but we’ll see:

I often contemplate how I could work into conversation with the McDonald’s drive-thru chick in the mere moments I have while she’s giving me back change for a happy meal that maybe she should move to another position at Mickey D’s. The big “Bitch” tattoo with swirlies around it on her neck is a little off-putting to customers. Just a little. And it’s only a matter of time before Katie asks what b-i-t-c-h spells. Not that she hasn’t heard it when I’ve stubbed my toe or tripped on the stairs, because I am, by nature clumsy as hell. Call me old-fashioned though, I don’t do tattoos. But if I were to get tattooed (and considering I don’t drink, that’s not going to happen), I’d get this:

I looked up “bad ass” in the dictionary and it read: Patrick Swayze and centaurs. So there you go. Oh, and I just like rainbows. They’re pretty.

Other things that keep me awake are less worrisome. The whole Halloween costume thing has me up tonight, looking for the perfect costume online. The girls are going to be fairies and Andrew’s going to be Peter Pan, so I want to coordinate. So, I asked Scott if I could get him the Captain Hook costume and he said no. He wants to wear the Fred Flintstone costume I made for him years ago. That doesn’t go with Peter Pan. And am I supposed to be Wilma? I know I have red hair, but come on. Really. That’s not going to happen. Plus, I’m more of a Betty than Wilma. Everyone knows that.

Damn, it’s after midnight. This stuff kept me up anyway. There’s no hope. If anyone’s reading this and you’re up late, well, go to sleep. I wish you the sweetest of dreams. Dreams of rainbows and cotton candy and Patrick Swayze riding a unicorn through a field of lavender to the tune of “She’s Like the Wind” from Dirty Dancing being played by Zamfir on his pan flute, who is also riding a unicorn. And the whole thing is being painted by Bob Ross, who is painting little happy trees behind Patrick Swayze with chocolate waterfalls and intertwining rainbows of happiness and joy and love. nighty night, peeps.

I am so getting this

NEWSFLASH: I FOUND THE GANGSTA RAP COLORING BOOK ON AMAZON.COM!!!!!!!!!

I hate all caps, but this is totally necessary, ’cause I’m keepin’ it gangsta, white-girl style.

It takes so little to make me happy. I think this is the perfect Christmas gift for those hard to buy for people in your life. Why give an iTunes gift card when you can give the gift that keeps on giving: the Gangsta Rap Coloring Book. My good friends should cross this little gem off their Christmas list, ’cause I just ordered 15 of them. Don’t worry, I get free shipping with Amazon Prime. I may throw in some scented crayons, too.

You’re welcome.

tastes like democracy

And my friends ask why I would want to vote for a write-in candidate.

late night drunk emailing, youbetcha

This is just genius. The good folks at Google have a new feature on Gmail to help you from this millennium’s version of drunk-dialing, drunk emailing. It operates late at night on weekends when people are more likely to be emailing after consuming large amounts of liquor. Mail Goggles asks you math questions and if you answer correctly, the email goes through. If not it suggests you go to bed.

I’m not so sure I would be able to answer a series of math problems late at night (or at any time for that matter) and I don’t drink, except for my margarita on Cinco de Mayo. Gmail times you — I guarantee I would fail.

Maybe if you’re a drunk emailer this feature will come in handy for you. Say you’ve been hitting the Merlot pretty hard and think now is the perfect time to tell your ex that it doesn’t happen to every guy, mail goggles may stop you. Or if you think now’s your chance to tell that PTA mom what you really think of her fundraiser ideas, mail googles may help. Some night you may have had one too many 2 for 1s at the sports bar and want to tell your sister that she’s right, she really was adopted and her childhood pet, Sunny, didn’t go to a hamster ranch, you fed it to the neighbor’s snake. Google is there for you.

Like I said, I don’t drink, but mail goggles might come in handy for me, too. Sometimes I drink caffeinated beverages too late at night and think I should email a friend to tell her I’ve secretly nominated her for What Not to Wear. That would be a bad idea and knowing my math skills, mail goggles would prevent me from letting my friend know she dresses like a high-priced call girl on crack. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. You just might want to leave the lucite heels and finger-less gloves at home for Kindergarten Science Day.
I’m a night owl and do most of my emailing late when I’m watching Bravo, so gmail would help out when I want to let someone know what I REALLY thought of that decision way back in the day and you know what I’m talking about and don’t think for one minute I forgot about it ’cause I have a memory like a steel trap and yes, you were wrong and I was right na na na boo-boo and for the record I’m still the cuter one, so there. I’m just saying, for example. Hypothetically. I don’t think “cuter” is even a word and I would never resort to “na na na boo-boo” even late at night. Maybe I should switch to gmail. And decaf.

why you should shop alone (or at least I smell purdy)

I practically live at Target since it’s so close to my house and I hate Walmart and there isn’t a grocery store close by. It’s not a Super Target — I’m so deprived. Target carries my favorite bodywash, Clean on Me by Soap and Glory, so 2 weeks ago I made a trip with Andrew to purchase my bodywash. This morning in the shower, I realized I did not purchase Clean on Me, I got Calm One Calm All, the bubble bath. I’ve been showering with bubble bath, people. This is why it’s not smart to shop with 3 year-olds.

forget the dog, sign me up

I love my friends. I love them even more when they call and tell me a website I have to visit and laugh at.

Interwebs friends, I give you the pet lodge and day spa of your dog’s dreams. Willows Oak in Madisonville. A friend of mine is looking for a kennel for her doggies while the family is on vacation, but I don’t think this is what she’s looking for.

If you only want the best for your pooch maybe you’d like her to stay in the Deluxe Cabana with a TV:

“Our Cabanas consist of 6’X5′ of living space in an indoor climate controlled area. Your Pet can enjoy a variety of Disney Movies played throughout the day and enjoy the privacy of their personal cabana living space. Our TV’s help in providing a truly home-like enviroment.”

I’m pretty sure that’s the fake ficus I threw out when we moved into our house. Guess doggies don’t mind if it’s fake. And really, a flat panel tv? Really? You think they play Aristocats, Lady & the Tramp, 101 Dalmations, & All Dogs Go to Heaven? My dog only enjoys Disney movies, don’t show her any Dreamworks flicks or she may bite. She’s an animation connoisseur.

Let’s move on. What if you have a cat, what does the spa offer our kitty friends?

“Cats can also enjoy additional 20 min personalized playtime sessions which
includes a kitty tower, dome tent, zanie toys and furry toy mice. Or your cat
may prefer to be cuddled, brushed or massaged.”

It’s $4 extra for the extra 20 minutes of playtime. I’m so in the wrong business.

The spa is what is the selling point of this place.

“Teeth Brushing: Does your pet have less than appealing breath? This service
is not an alternative to a dental performed by a trained veterinarian, but
regular teeth brushing can aid in reducing tartar and unappealing bad breath.
$7.00″ No, I just give my dog Altoids and Orbit gum.

“Massage: Pet massage has been shown to improve health, enhance bonding and
provide pure enjoyment for your pet. This relaxing and therapeutic session
consists of a 20 minute massage therapy session in a relaxing environment.$7.00 per session” Here’s my question: how the hell would you really know if your dog had a massage? It’s not like they’re going to tell you. Do dogs even like massage? I don’t know.

“Pet Aromatherapy: Our aromatherapy sessions offer natural pet care
aromatherapy blends combined for your dog using high quality essential oils &
infusions.” Oh, hell no. My dog likes to sniff other dog’s derrieres. Do you really think she cares about aromatherapy? Do they have Scent of Dachshund Butt as an option?

“We offer 4 essential oil blends:

Relax Time: A calming blend of aromatic oils designed to ease doggie
anxieties & hyperactivity.

Refresh: An aromatherapy blend designed to refresh & invigorate your
pet.

Skin Soother: A soothing combination which eases inflamed, itchy skin.

Arthritis Relief: A formula blended to ease doggie arthritis & achy bones.”

They don’t offer any blend my dog would appreciate. Fortunately, I am here to help with Lucy’s future essential oil blends for the LRP: less refined pooch. Maybe your dog would relax to the scent of Dog Booty, Smelly Garbage, Kitty’s Litter Box, Diaper Pail, Toilet Water (actual toilet water, not the fancy stuff from the perfume counter), and Lucy’s favorite, Face of 3 Year-Old Boy. Those are all scents endorsed by my own Lucy the basset hound (actual dog experience may vary).

I could go on, but it’s time for Lucy to watch the Pink Panther, she likes the high-brow old-school animation the Boomerang channel has to offer. I also have to paint her nails and cook her filet mignon and lobster tail for dinner.

Mmm, just like Mom used to make

What better to have as a snack while coloring in my Gangsta Rap Coloring Book. CrackSandwich cookies go great with gin and juice or milk.

Who’s up for a trip to Japan? CrackSandwich cookies for everyone!

clipped from engrishfunny.com

seriously, where can I purchase one of these?

soup is good food

Yesterday Megan and I went to Metairie and shopped at Lakeside for kicks.

Breaking news: Sephora just opened there. Peeps, it is make-up heaven. We walked in, got samples of stuff, it’s fab. There are more brands than I could count and I discovered Kat Von D from LA Ink has a make-up line. I want my own make-up line! I so wanted to get BIG fake eyelashes made of feathers. I need those for Halloween. Laura Geller has a concealer called Caulk and the foundation primer is called Spackle. Hilarious. Sometimes I think I could use some Spackle, not kidding. About 2 weeks ago I needed some Caulk. I’m telling you, Accutane worked until pregnancy and it’s been a battle ever since. Not going on it again because I like my face to move. Anyacne, I bought primer from Smashbox, eyebrow gel from Anastasia, and OPI nail polish that’s dark red for fall. Love it. We hit Todd’s for their version of an Orange Julius — so good. Total goodness.

Went to the new Apple store, it’s great, of course. I so wish I would have bought a Macbook Pro when my old laptop died. Dillard’s has been completely renovated, looks great. Bought my Intaglio Heat pendant from Mignon Faget, love it. My MF bee pendant was in the mail when I got home. Happy Kerry.

It was pouring rain when we left Lakeside and headed accross the street to Bravo for lunch. Megan and I big fans of the Lobster & Shrimp Bisque. It has to be the best soup in the world, no lie. Here’s a pic.

It’s creamy and delicious, has olive oil on the top and is much richer in color than in the pic. Meg and I kept saying how good it was, practically after each spoonful. I declared Baby Jesus must be making in the back, it was so good. Megan nearly spit soup all over the table. Win. The mental image of Jesus in the Bravo kitchen making Lobster & Shrimp Bisque is too much, but it’s the only explanation of how the dish is so fantabulous. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the cream or lobster stock or sherry. If Jesus multiplied the loaves and fishes, I’m sure he could make soup. I’m pretty sure it’s in the Bible, in the recipe section. What? Your Bible doesn’t have a recipe section? It’s between the Concordance and maps of the Holy Land. Trust me, I’m not a heathen, really. I love Jesus. And soup. And the herbed bread at Bravo with that yummy olive oil they give you. Concordance sounds like a grape dance. Is it just me?

Did I tell you I just discovered there’s 2 Monjuni’s in Baton Rouge? My favorite Shreveport restaurant is an hour away! I predict a trip to BR in the near future. And some Neapolitan Stuffed Pasta. Yum. Sorry I turned this into a food post, but I forgot to eat dinner and I’m hungry. And I’m craving frozen lemonade we used to get at the Red River Revel (go see my friend Will’s band, Gypsy Mountain there Friday) and at the Braves games. If anyone knows where I can get it, please let me know. The lemon Italian ice from the grocery store is close, but not the same.

On another note, apparently Megan can shut down businesses with her mind. We know Megan has been blamed by one poor soul for our old LSS going under, but up ’til now, I thought it was just speculation. Then it dawned on me — the grocery store next door went out of business and Rouse’s took over. She has the super power of killing retail stores. Beware of the evil Megan, Shop-Killa!

Halloween costume hunting

So, the kids are begging me to dress up for Halloween, so I thought I’d look for a costume. The kids are going as Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, and some other Disney fairy, naturally I’d like to find a costume to match. I Googled “plus size Peter Pan costumes” and here’s one of the options that came up. It’s Robyn Da Hood.

Now, not only is this not a Peter Pan/Neverland costume, it’s kind-of Robin Hood-Hooker. Not the look I’m going for. But, if I decide to rob from the rich and give to the poor, this is my #1 pick. It’s important to look hot whilst holding up the wealthy, don’t you think? Gotta say, love the hat.

clipped from www.3wishes.com