My little girls just finished their second year of rec softball. I could not be happier that it's over (for lots of reasons) and I may be a hermit for the rest of the summer. I'm not kidding about being a hermit. Anyway, I thought I'd share my thoughts on the softball season, from my perspective — a woman who could not care less about sports and who doesn't like people in general and who counts the sun as her number one enemy.

Here's the thing about softball: it's not baseball. The rules are different. The infield is dirt. It's weird. Now, I enjoyed going to see the Braves in Atlanta because it was fun and some of the players were cute. Plus, Turner Field had great ballpark food. Not so much at the little girl level. 

We started practicing in March. It wasn't super hot. I would stay during practice. Some parents would drop their daughters off, but not me because I've seen too many episodes of Dateline and I'm paranoid. And the younger daughter has a case of the "didya see me"s. 

And they have snow cones.

Prior to the start of the season I liked the name Blaine ("Blaine? His name is Blaine? That's a major appliance, not a name?" — name that movie). I can no longer say I like that name. One of the siblings on one of the teams was named Blaine. His mother said, "no, Blaine," "stop it, Blaine," "I said stop it, Blaine," "come here, Blaine," etc for the entire length of practices and games. This was the same child who wore cowboy boots to the games and walked up and down the metal bleachers because people like to annoy the hell out of me. "Oh, he's just a kid, Kerry," the hubs said. I don't care. And cowboy boots should be outlawed on bleachers.

It was Africa hot at the ballpark. I am very fair-skinned and do not like to sweat, so this was a problem. I had to shower twice a day, which I don't like because my hair does best when air-dried and it didn't have time to dry before bed. Then I'd wake up with crazy hair. Crazy = wavy on one side, super curly on the other. My makeup would melt off at the ballpark. Not good. Yes, I have to wear makeup to the ballpark, I'm that vain.

There were many characters at the ballpark. I call them characters because I'm still not sure they exist in real life outside the ballpark. I nicknamed them for your convenience. 

• Inappropriate Mom twice wore sarongs with a bikini top on underneath. She wore Keds with two different colored socks with one sarong. Neither color was in the sarong. Last week she wore a tube top tied above the waist and sequined shoes. She was a walking "don't" from a magazine. 
• Overenthusiastic Uncle was not a coach, but thought he was. He stayed in the dugout during games and yelled "way to go!' and "great hit" and "you gotta get those" to our catcher. He was her uncle. He needed to lay off the Powerade.
• Older Parents were about 15 years older than the rest of us. They were constantly talking about achievements of their kids and their kids would come sit with them on the stands when they weren't on the field or up to bat. It was odd. 
• Nude Pantyhose was one of the Older Parents. I didn't realize people still wore panty hose. She wore nude pantyhose with her polyester '80s suits she wore to the ballpark. I can only imagine how hot those suits were in the 97 degree heat. 
• Overstimulated was a mom who only came to a few games. When she came, she would come with her 4 year-old twins and would leave if they got "overstimulated". Her word, not mine, especially during the Weiner scandal.
• Gold Chain was one of the coaches on another team. 
• Wikkiwikkiwikki was a dad who was easily 7 feet tall, brought his own chair, iPod dock, and fan to each game. When he worked the scoreboard he looked like a DJ because he kept his earbuds in at all times, thus the nickname. He seemed to be stoned each time I spoke with him.

There were other characters too, but the ones I mentioned were the most entertaining. I'm beyond thrilled that the season is finished and the girls have their trophies and I that I am in air conditioning tonight, but I am missing the snow cone stand. 

I love the My Drunk Kitchen web series because it reminds me of myself, only less drunk. In this episode, Hannah "makes" ice cream. 

 

No reason it's Random Ruby Tuesday other than I like that song and I like rubies because it's my birthstone and I have a few of them. By the way, my birthday is less than a month away, so get your shopping done. Rubies are always the right color.

Bastille Day is one month from today. I know that for no reason.

Today I tried to spell "gem" on Words with Friends with a J like "Jem and the Holograms." Never said I was a spelling bee champ.

Meg and I went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast last week and a server hit her in the head with a tray. I proceeded to laugh uncontrollably because I'm a good friend like that. 

I did not have a vanilla Coke from Sonic today. Things just weren't the same.

Last week at church was Vacation Bible School. I did not volunteer this year. I had an odd experience almost every afternoon when picking up the kids in that people said "hi Kerry!" and I had no idea who they were. Now, I don't mean I couldn't remember their names — I flat out did not know who they were. I have been a member of this church for six years, in several Bible studies, member of MOPS steering team, had kids in the Mother's Day Out program — so it's strange that so many people said hi to me that I did not know. This is nothing compared to the anxiety I had when walking into church to get the kids because there are 1000 kids in our VBS. That is not an exaggeration. I promise.

On another note, the most fun game ever to play is "dodge the cars driving aimlessly through the church parking lot." 

For some reason I agreed to be a Nielson TV household for a week next month. They said my results will be used to determine broadcasting. Hope y'all like Pawn Stars and Absolutely Fabulous reruns. Really, I read that they're going to make a few new episodes of AbFab next year and I can't wait. How can you not love a show in which a character says about being sober, "worst 8 hours of my life"?

I say that and I'm not a big drinker, despite what graphics may appear on this blog and on CNN. 

I wear waterproof mascara because I tend to have allergy-watery eyes. Anyway, I use this waterproof mascara remover and it doesn't list the ingredients, but I'm pretty sure it's Crisco, because this is the greasiest stuff on Earth and I can't see after I use it and I tripped over a pair of shoes by my closet after leaving my bathroom. 

Can I write a run-on sentence or what? You'd never believe I was an English Ed major. You'd probably believe that I dropped out of college after 3 and a half years. I did. It was a good decision, made a lot of people proud. Made myself happy. 

You know what the impressive thing I learned from my college advisor was? That "awkward" is the most satisfying word to type or spell out loud. Shout out to Fran! I may have told you this before, but at the award ceremony (or whatever it was) for my major, I won tennis lessons with Fran. I didn't cash that prize in.

I learned how to make an em dash on my Mac (—). You'd probably just call that a dash, but no, it's an em dash. In case you're wondering, it's called the "em dash" because the character is the same width as an M. It's a unit of measure in the world of typography. Of course I would know that. 

Recently I read an essay condemning the use of em dashes. It pissed me off (as things tend to do). The author said using it leads to less efficient writing. I've never met a writer who questioned if their work was efficient. Good, relevant, smart — yes. Besides, if the punctuation was good enough for Billy Shakespeare and Em-dash Dickinson, it's good enough for me. 

I do not want to go to the ballpark tonight. Or tomorrow night. Or any other night this week.

Confession: I watch the Food Network when nothing else is on, thus I watch it a lot. I don't really like Rachael Ray very much because I find her a little annoying in the way that she giggles to herself — but I love watching her gather all of the ingredients and things she's going to use at the beginning of the show because I'm waiting for her to drop something. She piles up things like crazy and carries 20 things at once. She is bound to drop something on one episode. This is the same reason I watch ice skating. I like the falls. Yes, I am a horrible person.

 

Full disclosure: I started this post way earlier and it sat, waiting to be finished all day. I finished it, don't worry.

The hubs got mad last weekend when I asked if the Kevin Bacon military movie he was watching was A Few Good Men 2. 

Why do I start whispering when someone that I'm on the phone with whispers?

Did you know the new thing is Corgi cross-breeds? I want a Corgi/Golden Retriever or a Corgi/Dachshund. No, I don't really want another dog. I like short dogs, I don't know why. Growing up, I had a dachshund, Otto, and I've had two Basset Hounds. My Basset is good for finding any type of food in the house. 

I haven't had sushi in two weeks. This is a travesty. 

Another one of my dork friends gave up Words With Friends. He sent a WWF break-up message and everything. The whole "it's not you, it's me" line. He may be going into WWF Rehab. Dr. Drew may have that as a new reality show, you never know.

Is it racist that I don't like brown rice that much?

A landscaper came over to give me an estimate to re-do my flowerbeds. I don't know the names of plants and my descriptions of what I wanted were not very helpful. When she said names of plants I was clueless. 

I just made a drink just because. Pour yourself something. Or get out a shaker and shake yourself something. "If we're gonna shoot, we gotta shake." Name that movie.

I've been angry and upset today. Do you know what I do when I'm upset? I cook. Is that weird? Probably. 

Risotto is one of my favorite things to make when upset. It involves a ton of stirring. I like to pretend I'm beating someone upside the head when I'm stirring. Feel free to use that in your own cooking. If you don't have anyone you can imagine beating upside the head, email me — I'll give you examples.

Risotto is delicious. 

Do you know what my new favorite thing is? Vanilla Coke from Sonic. 

Sometimes I think my dog is a reincarnated opera singer. But I don't believe in reincarnation. 

If I believed in reincarnation I would want to come back as Oprah's dog because you know that bitch is pampered. 

Maybe I shouldn't blog after a drink.

I used to bake. Back before I had children I had the patience to bake and I was good at it, despite the fact that baking requires precise measurements and science for things to turn out correctly. Over time, I started cooking more and I no longer bake, save for the occasional pie or cheesecake. I wish I had a cheesecake right now.

Once I made my own cookie cutter out of metal flashing in the shape of a wedding cake for my friend Darla's bridal shower. I baked cookies and decorated them with dragees (little silver balls). That is some Martha Stewart shit. 

Know what else I did? The same month that I made the cookies, I killed a scorpion in my old house with approximately one whole can of Raid. I was 7 months pregnant. The fumes I inhaled may or may not have contributed to the fact that the child has ADHD. 

I may be a bit tipsy. It took me four tries to get the letters of ADHD right. 

By the way, I used the whole can of Raid because I'm terribly afraid of scorpions. I've only seen one in my life. The fear of them stems from watching a show when I was little where a scorpion was in someone's sheets. I checked my sheets every night for years and had reoccurring nightmares about scorpions. I also had reoccurring nightmares that I was awake during surgery and this is why I believe I wasn't fully knocked out during my tonsillectomy when I was six. Totally not kidding. 

See – crazy starts early. 

 

 

This morning I'm babysitting the Magee children while watching You Tube videos of The Decemberists. I found their performance from NPR and the sound is a bit off, but I love this band. 

Here is "All Arise," probably my favorite by the band. I want to be the violinist. I think it would be weird to play an electric violin because of the cord and how you have to play with your neck all jacked up anyway — it is a bitch of an instrument (plus, as I've said before — when learning to play, it sounds like a frozen cat going through a wood chipper). 

 

Happy birthday to my favorite newsman, Anderson Cooper. 

Anderson, 

Thank you for years of sexy news (because that's how I like my news). Thank you for keeping them honest and for tweeting what you're having for dinner. I cannot wait for your new daytime talk show. By the way, if you're looking for a redheaded witty co-host, I'm very available. Hit me up on the Twittah. 

Love,

Kerry

For those of you who didn't know, the government killed everyone's fave, the Food Guide Pyramid. It was replaced with this:

I like it — colorful, graphic, nice font. BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

“Parents don’t have the time to measure out exactly three ounces of chicken or to look up how much rice or broccoli is in a serving,” First lady Michelle Obama said today at the unveiling of the MyPlate campaign. So, we're supposed to more fruits and veggies.

Are we supposed to have dairy with every meal? Is macaroni and cheese a protein, grain, or dairy? Does the dairy have to be in a glass? Can it be a White Russian? Where is the dessert plate? And what size plate should we use? Can I use a charger plate? What about a platter? 

Mrs. Obama, please email me with these answers soon because I don't know what to eat for dinner. 

Updated:

There. I fixed it.

Happy first day of Hurricane Season. 

Readers, here is your 2011 list of hurricane names:

Seriously? Cindy? Emily? Who the hell is going to be afraid of Hurricane Cindy? All of those names are lame. Except Whitney because she could cut a bitch. 

I knew I should have written this a week ago because now I'm in a horrible mood and I want to write about things that were missing from the 30 Day Movie Challenge. Ugh. 

The first thing that was missing was Best Movie Title, which would have to be To Wong Fu, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar. If you remember from my post after Patrick Swayze died, I love To Wong Fu. When I grow up I want to be Vida Bohemme. 

Another missing category was Best Holiday Movie. This seems like a natural category. I would pick several: The Shop Around the Corner, The Bishop's Wife, Love Actually, and both You've Got Mail and When Harry Met Sally. 

What about Favorite Kevin Bacon Movie? He's in everything. Apollo 13.

Thing You'd Want to Eat From the List of Shrimp Items Bubba Says in Forrest Gump: that would be gumbo. Coconut Shrimp is a close second. 

Don't forget Favorite Movie with a Crossdresser. Has to be Tootsie. Duh.

One of my favorite favorites would be Favorite Movie in Which Music is Important, But it's Not a Musical. I would have to pick High Fidelity. Love that movie. Love John Cusack. Little known fact — I will watch anything John Cusack is in even if it scares me to death (I'm talking about the freaky scary 1408).

I suppose this is the end of the challenge. I had fun, I hope you did as well. Ginger suggested doing 30 Days of Randomness after this. That's pretty much what this blog usually is, isn't it?