As you know, here on the Kerry Blog we mention vajayjays as often as possible because why not? Half the world has them, so I figure at least 75% of my readership has them (based on the totally scientific fact that the 25% of people who Google "redhead bbw pinup" and land on my blog are probably male). 

That brings us to the coloring book no one asked for, The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas by Morgan Hastings. 

Oh good, there are 30 pages of vaginas and fun activities. I wonder what those activities could be. Oh, look, here's a photo:

It's like Mad Libs! 

I thought I'd fill in my answers.

My vagina looks like a vagina.

My vagina smells just like morning dew on a tulip.

I call my vagina a vajayjay.

I think my vagina is great because I could shoplift a Butterball turkey with it.

A special treat for my vagina is a transvaginal ultrasound.

My vagina likes Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain, and the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne, and of course, making love at midnight.

If my vagina could talk it would sound like Charo.

 

Oh snap. Looks like I'm going to have to contact the publisher because The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas isn't an ebook yet. This is so disappointing.

 

I bought this Sexy Motherpucker lipgloss for the name. It is supposed to plump up your lips, but it just makes mine burn like wildfire. My lips are probably plump enough.

Do you think it looks like Hello Dolly Barbra or Yentyl Barbra?

I'm pretty scattered lately (which I will write about this week), but for now, here's my random thoughts.

 

When they don't ask if you want sauce at Taco Bell, they're basically saying "eff you."

My favorite line from "Empire State of Mind" is when Jay-Z says "I could trip a referee" because that's about as gangsta as you get.

Remember when you could just leave MTV on for background music?

I had to make a phone call to someone named Clevelan today. Not Cleveland with a D. Clevelan.

Why do I say things like "okie dokie" on voicemails?

My 10 year old made fun of my accent today. I don't know who she thinks she is.

The worst part of an episode of Hoarders isn't when they find dead animals – it's when someone has 50 porcelain dolls. 

omg. Mommie Dearest is on. I may have to watch it just for the "don't fuck with me, fellas! This ain't my first time at the rodeo!" speech. Joan Crawford was a amazing. Her last words were "Damn it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me." She said it to her housekeeper, who was praying at Crawford's deathbed. For real. What a grand bitch. I mean that as a compliment. 

I was watching Hoarders and a man started to have a panic attack over wanting to keep a hat that had been in a box that some animal made a nest in. There is no joke here, there was really a nest in the box. A nest.

I've decided I want a cable channel to give me a reality show on scrapbooking (or anything really). My state is pretty much leading the country in reality shows right now with Sons of Guns, Cajun Pawn Stars, Bayou Billionaires, Swamp People, Big Shrimpin' and so on. My show will be called Southern Scrapbookin' and will feature what it takes to put on a big event and some of our more unique scrapbookers at my event. This will include the lady that fainted in September and the woman who yelled at me because we were out of Diet Coke. It would be great. My show would also feature when we go to different events, like the one in Orange Beach next week. It may or may not feature me flirting with waiters or trying to get into some company's game night in the lounge of the resort.

Okay, back to Hoarders – this guy hasn't had another person in his home since 1983. And he came out to his family. It wasn't shocking because he was hoarding things for entertaining or decor. That wasn't a joke either, he really was. I mean, how many clocks can one person need?

I have an M&M problem.

Okay, another thought on Hoarders – if the person lives in a trailer, why not tow the whole thing to the dump? I think that's a legitimate question.

I just saw a commercial for a product called The Potty Patch, a piece of astroturf for your dog to pee on in your house. America, this is why the rest of the world hates us.

 

 

Justin Beiber got a tattoo of Jesus. 

Presented without commentary.

photos from dlisted.

I'm taking a little break this week, but I thought I'd show y'all something I found. It's the My Little Pony Creator. Here is what I would look like as a My Little Pony.

Kerry Pony would have freckles with a pink and green curly mane and a paisley cutie mark. And I'm a unicorn, because of course I am.

I’m live blogging a movie that has been out for a month. It’s a new low for the blog, a new high in boredom for me. The six year-old just asked me why there are so many humans in movies. That’s a new perspective. The previews are about to start. I think the hubs is already asleep.

7:35 – previews! One for the Goat Rodeo live with Yo Yo Ma. Not kidding.

– the screen said to silence cell phones. It didn’t say anything about blogging.

– 3 Stooges preview. Looks exactly as dumb as you would think.

– I can hear people chewing their popcorn. It is grossing me out.

– oh good, The Rock is in a new movie and he makes his pecs dance. That’s just not natural.

– finally, the movie.

– no, don’t mangle The Go-Gos. Is nothing sacred?

– who would take chipmunks on a cruise anyway?

– omg. Their cabin is 100 times bigger than our honeymoon cabin.

– for real – if chipmunks were on a dance floor they would be stepped on. Singing chipmunks or not.

– hell yeah, it’s a mutha fuggin’ dance off.

– if they make another sequel I hope someone gets rabies.

– first of all, the captain on a cruise ship is never American.

– So glad Tobias Funke is in this one.

– hey Jason Lee, remember when you made movies for adults?

– Alvin made a Sarah Palin joke. Not kidding.

– spoiler: chipmunks get shipwrecked

– they’re singing Kum bayah. No just no.

– and now Beyonce. That reminds me – has she had Babyonce yet?

– Charlie Sheen reference.

– Lord of the Rings reference.

– the chick kicked off SNL for saying the F word is stranded on the island too. Yay.

– Castaway reference. This is like a really bad Castaway for Kids.

– Not surprisingly, I identify with the chubby girl chipmunk. She just sprained her ankle.

– I need a beverage.

– Someone put me out of my misery. Please.

– double rainbow reference. What does it mean?!

– Omg. A honey badger. I can’t believe it.

– Hubs is asleep again. Kids are completely mesmerized.

– so far Tobias has said “chubby” 4 times. It’s getting old.

– I’m so thirsty. if only there were somewhere to get refreshments.

– They finally made a raft.

– oh no – active volcano.

– Indiana Jones visual gag.

– This is reminiscent of The Rescuers. SNL chick is now evil henchwoman. Lame.

– kid behind me just screamed “oh no!”

– GAWD, how long is this?

– no, not more GaGa.

Over.

–

Went to Don’s for dinner and not going to see War Horse. We’re taking the kids to Alvin and the Chipmunks 3. Feel my pain. After the movie we will go home and watch fireworks in our neighborhood. Be jealous.

I don't make resolutions. They're stupid. But I guess I could make some for the purpose of the blog. Okay, here goes.

 

1. not to run out of Kaluha

2. not to read Twilight

3. not to watch things about ghosts on tv before bed

4. to spend more quality time with the premium channels on tv

5. not to write inspirational Facebook status updates

6. eat a fruit

7. stalk Anderson Cooper at the Endymion parade

8. not become Howard Hughes

9. sing "We've Got Tonight" on the mic at ScrapFest!

10. refer to myself in third person more