Where is Obamacare on making it illegal to air The Price is Right in OBGYN waiting rooms?

One guess where I am right now.

Also, is it still illegal to kill people in waiting rooms? What if they’re letting their child play on an iPad at full volume?

What if their child is doing some sort of interpretive dance and dropping Goldfish crackers?

What if their child has a speech impediment and keeps saying “wabbit”?

So, I’m basically live-blogging my doctor appointment. While I was waiting to see my doc (while wearing a sheet over my lap), I heard someone ringing a bell. Jesus, really?

Now I’m back in the waiting room waiting for an ultrasound. A child is whistling. People, stop bringing your children to the OBGYN.

And now the kid burped.

Woman walked through the lobby with a gigantic tattoo on her chest that looks like some M.C. Escher mess. People, stop getting tattoos on your chests. Unless it’s a little Lacoste alligator. I can be d the rules for that.

But that’s it.

That’s an extremely blury pic of tattoo girl.

Had an ultrasound. Now back in the waiting room. There is a tornado warning.

I’m going to be killed in the GYN office by a tornado. That would be the most apropos death ever, since I spend more time here than anyone.

I need a sedative.

It is so dark outside right now.

Oh, don’t worry, front desk nurse person just said they’ve lost power before “and the doctor just gets a flashlight and keeps rolling.”

A nurse just walked by with two flashlights.

Guess I’ll hide under the stirrups if I hear the sound of a train.

The lights flashed. If I were in a sitcom this would be freaking hilarious.

I’m having a weird day. Mixed emotions and work. It’s a good thing I have Ben Folds. Here’s “Doc Pomus.”

and here’s “Brusied”

and here’s “Give Judy My Notice”

and one that is just so honest, “House.”

If you read the old blog, you might be familiar with my love of a band called Phosphorescent. Here’s their new song “Song For Zula.”

http://www.npr.org/templates/event/embeddedVideo.php?storyId=175400978&mediaId=175401698

Turn this song up. Barely Out Of Tuesday 1 – then open my blog up in another tab and read because if we’re going to be friends, you’re going to have to like this song. Okay, you don’t have to like this song, but if you don’t, I’m not going to pretend I know what’s wrong with you.

Adam Duritz, if you’re reading this (and let’s face it, you’re not), I feel you.

“if all this distance ain’t going to going to bring you to me – what’s the point of all this patience?” is my favorite line of “Barely Out of Tuesday.”

I need to see Counting Crows in concert again.

Have you had the Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal? It’s delicious, but I’m pretty sure one of the ingredients is gravel.

I mean, really, do you honestly think I’m going to answer the phone if it says “Lower Interest” on my caller id?

As it is, I barely answer the phone anyway. And don’t get me started on answering the door.

My son had a tonsillectomy last week. I’d like to tell y’all about the waiting room. There was a middle-aged women’s gang (wearing the same shirts), a ballerina, the person who talked to loud on their cell phone, the man who told everyone his wife was having a hysterectomy, and the guy spitting Skoal into a cup.

Also, the anesthesiologist looked like Robin Williams and was a cross between his characters in Patch Adams and The Birdcage.

The Birdcage is my second favorite movie with drag queens. My favorite is obviously Too Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar.

My left ear hurts.

The middle child asked me why she can’t smell her own stinky underarms, but I can. Hello? Science?

I got a new app called “Wall About You” and it’s fantastic. I made iPhone wallpapers for all my good friends. It takes a cute background and lets you put a cute monogram on it. I love a monogram.

Have you seen the commercials for the new NBC show Hannibal? It looks pretty awesome, because – serial killers. I loved The Silence of the Lambs and the other Hannibal Lecter movies, even though I watched them through my fingers over my eyes because I’m the biggest scaredy cat ever. Scary movies scare me and keep me freaked out for awhile, so typically I hate them. Unless it’s the physiological thriller-serial killer genre.

I didn’t have enough nail polish remover to take off my gray polish and now my nails just look dingy. Tomorrow the PTA board will think I’m gross.

Would it be weird to wear gloves to a PTA board meeting in April?

Is anyone else disturbed by this?

 

 

Y’all, remember this?

Yeah, that’s our BCoop getting a perm.

So, guess what I found on Buzzfeed today. Go ahead, guess – I’ll wait. Okay, it’s the After Photo.

Y’all. BCoop. Perm. Chest hair. Gold chains. This is either going to be the best movie of all time or the weirdest real-life breakdown in history.

Just so everyone knows, I have found my motivation for losing the rest of the excess weight (and having lots of plastic surgery).

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you SPANDEX.

I just bagged up 3 Hefty bags of clothes that are now too big. It’s the opposite of why I’m usually bagging up clothes to give away.

My son said, “if I had 92 more dollars I’d have $100.” He’s such an optimist.

Today I discovered that Kashi Go Lean Crunch with flax and honey tastes like the old Sugar Crisp cereal.

Remember when Kellogg’s and Post could call cereal “Sugar” whatever. There was Sugar Crisp, Sugar Smacks, and one was called Sugar Frosted something or other, but I can’t remember what. Sugar Crisp was the best because its mascot was called Sugar Bear. Both Sugar Crisp and Sugar Smacks are now called something else – Golden Crisp and Honey Smacks. That’s supposed to make them sound healthier, but I’ll always know them as their sugary old names. You can’t fool me, Sugar Bear.

As a kid, I never liked super sugary cereals. Seriously, Cracklin’ Oat Bran was my favorite. That cereal is the bomb, yo.

Hold everything. South of Heaven, West of Hell is on. It’s the only Western I know of that stars Vince Vaughn. Vince Vaughn, Pee Wee Herman, Dwight Yoakam, Billy Bob Thornton, and the old Mr. Noodle from Elmo’s World on Sesame Street. Y’all, Vince Vaughn in a Western. It’s one of those “so bad it’s kinda awesome” movies. It’s a Western and there is a machine gun in the first 20 minutes of the movie. It’s a Western and a chick in the movie says “I bet you was real handsome when you got shot.” It’s a Western that is completely bizarre. It should be called South of Preposterous, West of Insanity.

Also, Dwight Yoakam should never take his hat off.

And as a director and screenwriter, Yoakam is a wonderful musician.

Did I mention his name is “Valentine” in the movie? It is.

I got a new vacuum cleaner. There were 420 parts to it. I dropped an attachement on my face and it hurt. After I got the thing together, I vacuumed my bedroom and managed to empty the canister into my lap instead of the bag I was attempting to put the dust and junk in. It was gross. And dusty.

Did I mention that I have terrible allergies? The dust did not help.

A guy in this movie says “gub’ment” for “government.” And Dwight’s deputy wears dresses. The deputy is a man.

I could go for some Crackin’ Oat Bran right now.

 

 

I stepped on a pencil in my bedroom. One of the children left it there. It hurt as much as when I’ve stepped on a Lego piece, but not as much as when I stepped on the plug end of the vacuum cleaner cord.

My dog is driving me nuts. I have a love/hate relationship with her. I thought she was dying a few weeks ago, took her to the emergency vet and the vet did an ultrasound and some tests. She said Lucy either had cancer or some weird basset hound infection and put her on steroids. My dog is on steroids. I was told she might make it through the weekend. Fast forward to yesterday. Lucy is back to being a pain in the ass and drank out of the toilet last night. This morning I went to the laundry room to let her out ( she cannot be trusted to stay unconfined at night) and found she had pooped all over the place.

My middle child thinks if she uses a British accent we can’t understand what she’s saying.

I think my vacuum cleaner died.

For some reason I need America to know that Bradley Cooper (BCoop to those in the know) got a perm.

Seriously, he is in pink rollers.

My vajayjay just doesn’t know what to think of this. It is in mourning for BCoop’s manliness.

Why can’t BCoop be on the new celebrity diving show? I mean, really. They pick a little person and Louie Anderson and a pageant girl. That’s a weird mix for ANY tv show.

Can you imagine the chit-chat during commercials?

I need a pedicure.