It's Oscar night! Can you feel the excitement? No, I can't either. I'm Kerry and I'll be your guide while watching the awards for the next how many hours? Until 10? Why did I say I would do this? The things I do for my readers.
I'm watching E's red carpet coverage, the awards start at 7:30
6:27 — Mickey Rourke is talking to Ryan Seacrest. He called his dog the love of his life. Why does he always have his hand in his pants. Ew. He said if Sean Penn wins he's going to clap his ass off. He's wearing all white.
6:30 — James Brolin is with Seacrest now. People are wearing white knots on their lapels to show support for gay marriage
6:32 — Speaking of, it's Queen Latifah.
6:33 — Oh, look, E has he "Glamatrator" — kind of like the telestrator for sports to explain the red carpet gowns. Good grief.
6:34 — Ron Howard says they are close to making the Arrested Development movie. Yea!
6:34 — Peter Gabriel would look like Colonel Sanders if he had a hat.
6:36 — I can't believe Evan Rachel Wood was Marilyn Manson's girlfriend. She's too pretty for him.
6:38 — BRANGELINA have arrived! Who the hell cares?
6:40 — commercials are a good time to make sure the kids are tearing up anything. They're fine, 'cause they know what's up.
6:42 — Penelope Cruz looks great. STOP SHOWING BRANGELINA IN THE CROWD. Lots of people are wearing white tonight. I hope Salma Hayek isn't there because I'll get these two confused the rest of the night.
6:44 — it's a French girl, Marion C-something. She loves Penelope Cruz. She's inspiring. It's damn Brangelina again. They're both in black. Obvious, isn't it.
6:45 — Jessica Biel looks weird. What's with the big fabric?
6:46 — Beyonce, you are not an actual Oscar statue.
6:48 — Kate Winslet is gorgeous. I love her down-to-earth self.
6:53 — I would not have recognized Alicia Keys if her name didn't pop up. How pretty is she in magenta? Like the hair. Really like it down and wavy, very 40's retro glam.
side note: my allergies are killing me and I've taken Benadryl, so there you go. I'm on my second giant cup of coffee.
6:58 — I love Robert Downey JR. Seriously, how cute is he? He looks great in a tux.
7:01 — Now for ABC's coverage and my man Tim Gunn. I want to be his friend, have him go shopping with me. He's talking to Kate Winslet, love her.
7:03 — Amy Adams is so freakin cute. The necklace is awesome. I want it. I love it when a redhead wears red, that's the perfect shade of red for us redheads, just a tip.
7:05 — SJP and Matthew Broderick. She looks like she should be on the top of a wedding cake and he has gone with the salt and pepper hair, but it kinda looks highlighted. Weird.
7:06 — Tim, don't pander to Brangenlina! You don't have to do that, you are Sir Tim of Project Runway!
7:09 — Valentino is orange. Too many carrots? Too much self-tanner? Dear Lord.
7:11 — it's the entire population of Mumbai with the guy who looks like Morrissey's creepy uncle!
7:12 — OMG. Mickey Rourke had a tux made for Loki the dog, but Loki died. A little part of me just died, too.
7:13 — If Robert DOwney Jr wasn't married and I weren't married. That's all I'm going to say.
7:14 — Sweet baby Jesus, what is Miley Cyrus wearing? Miley, you are not Glinda from the Wizard of Oz. Why are you at the Oscars? Seriously. Where's your daddy?
7:16 — Anne Hathaway is just adorable. Totally glam and poised. Love the dress, the whole look.
now here's a damn bee reminding me that I need to call my doctor and get my Nasonex refilled. Have I told y'all how much I had the allergy nose sprays? I hate them, but they work and I should take just take it. Okay, I'm calling my doctor tomorrow and getting the Nasonex. Fine.
7:20 — look, it's the accountants. Fascinating. Stop it. They are dressed by The Men's Warehouse. J/K.
7:21 — Meryl Streep and her daughter. They both look great. Meryl is in battleship gray, whatev.
7:22 — Penny Cruz again. Love the dress now that I'm seeing it again.
7:23 — Richard Jenkins from The Visitor. I saw him on Letterman and he said no one knows who he is. I didn't.
7:24 — Marissa Tomei has weird hair. What is up with the one shoulder dresses? Ugh.
7:31 — and it's SHOWTIME!
7:32 — Hugh Jackman speaking in his Australian accent is weird. I'm so used to him as an American in movies, or as Wolverine as a mutant.
7:33 — he's doing a recession era opening with homemade looking sets. Stop. Oh he just kidnapped Anne Hathaway. Awesome. She's so cute. Love her.
7:37 — Thank goodness the opening is over.
7:39 — It's a past-winner convention! Who drewsses Tilda Swinton. My sheets are prettier than what she's wearing. Tilda, at least get some Ralph Lauren sheets, that beige isn't working for you. What the hell? Angellica Houston, you can dress better than that? I love Whoopi. She got out her cheetah print sheets and put them on. Tilda, take a note from Whoopi and y'all go shop for sheets together.
7:47 — and Penelope Cruz wins Best Actress in a Supporting Role. I love the understated jewelry. Nice speech. No, don't speak Spanish — I can't understand you!
7:53 — Tina Fey and Steve Martin, now this is how you present an award. Tina looks good. Making fun of the Scientologists, priceless. I really need a narrator. Dustin Black wins for Milk –Best Original Screenplay. He's giving his speech for the GL community. Tina is giving props to my girl Charlotte Bronte. This is funny stuff, people. Now, Best Adapted Screenplay. I want to win this, but I didn't write a screenplay, so I'm not elligible. I want The Curious Case of Benjamin Button to win, just so I can quote Kanye West and says "this is some Benjamin Buttons shit!" And Slumdog Millionaire wins. Is it just me or does the title remind you of the Dollar Menuaire thing from McDonalds? The writer is wearing a necklace-thing across his chest over his tie — wassup with that?
8:03 — Jenn Aniston and Jack Black are presenting an animation yearbook — their words, not mine. I like her hair, but the dress is nothing special. Wall-E is picking up an Oscar, tossing it and putting in a tape of other animated movies. Y'all Wall-E is going to win, hate spoil it for you. Seriously, Kung Fu Panda? Space Chimps? Madagascar 2? Bolt? I don't think so. Wall-E wins. Can I predict this stuff or what? My man Andrew Stanton is accepting. Velvet tux. Nice. He said "creative seeds are sewn in the oddest of places." That is a great quote. Animated Short Film is up, a lot of stuff we've never seen. Nope, not seen a one. La Maison Petit Cubes something wins. Seriously, no idea what the winner said.
8:16 — it was nice of SJP to get her wedding dress out for tonight. It's Best Art Direction. I'm going with Benjamin Button on this o
ne again. YEA! 'Cause this was gonna be some Benjamin Buttons shit if it didn't win. It was partly filmed in NOLA, so I gotta love that. And they filmed in Mandeville. And the music cut the 2nd guy off. Really, when you accept an award, make sure you speak first because the 2nd person always gets the music. I'm giving tips aways for free. Best Costume Design. Why is Milk nominated? The Duchess wins. So far no one is giving superfantastic speeches. Get Mickey Rourke up there. STAT. No one's thanking their pets! No one is forgetting names.
8:23 — Best Makeup. This is a hard one. It's Benjamin Button again. The winner is reading really fast. Boring. Drop the F bomb! Come on, give me something! I give up.
8:24 — It's Twilight boy and Mama Mia girl. She looks cute, doing the 40's glam hair. They're showing romance in 2008. Gotta love romance. Romance and slapping people. The two go together in some cases apparently.
8:32 — Ben Stiller is rocking the Joaquin Phoenix beard and glasses with Natalie Portman presenting Best Cinematography. I vote for Joaquin Phoenix. Oh he's not nominated. Some dude for Slumdog Millionaire wins. His hair looks like mine the day after I straighten it. That's not a good look. His wife has an Ivana Trump hairdo. What is wrong with these people? Really.
8:38 — What the hell, Jessica Biel? Did your boy Justin Timberlake tell you to wear that? Did you forget to leave your napkin at the restaurant?
8:42 — James Franco plays the best stoner. Love him. I think the Oscars would be much better if I was high. If I only did drugs. I am on allergy meds, I don't think that counts.
8:46 — look, a bunch of short films I've never seen! Shelegnaflangerflamenschlitz won! Oh, now they say it's Toyland in English. This is some Benjamin Buttons shit! Speak English damn you! It's the allergy meds talking.
8:53 — Hugh Jackman in tails, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, the top hat and cane! I love some musicals. OH HELL NO. NOT BEYONCE. She is ruining this for me. Stop. Stop it now. I hope Etta James makes another announcement that she's going to kick Beyonce's ass again. That was the best part about the inaguration. No, not Lady Marmalade. Maybe Patti LaBelle will kick her ass. Oh no, someone call the po-lice! It's them damn High School Musical kids. What the hell? No, not a damn marching band doing ABBA. I'm going to shoot myself in the face. Y'all I love musicals, but I hate a musical medley. Sweet mother of sequins, it's over!
9:01 — now it's the boys' turn. The Best Supporting Actor reunion tour! I'm always forget Joel Grey's still alive. He is. It's John Mayer in the audience! Let's hear from him. No, it's Cuba Gooding, Jr. talking about my friend Molly's boy Robert Downey, Jr. He told RD a brotha needs to work! Love it. Creepy Christopher Walken is talking about some dude I don't know. Kevin Klein is talking about Heath Ledger. And now the Oscar goes to Heath Ledger posthumously. His dad is accepting with him mom and sister. Nice speech, well done.
9:11 — here's my geek category — Best Documentary! Y'all know I love a documentary. Bill Maher presents. Nice tux, kinda shiny, hmmm. I don't know about that. Man On Wire wins. It's going to take some time for them to get to the stage because the Doc filmmakers have to sit in the parkinglot. Dude, what is with the white scarf, red shirt and reddish hair. People, this is the opposite of good. He did a magic trick. Are you effing kidding me? This is the freaking Oscars not a children's birthday party. And he's balancing the Oscar on his chin. Damn showoff. Who let this fool in? Where is the real filmmaker? Okay, the chick that won for Doc Short Subject needs a stylist. Are you listening Rachel Zoe?! Help these people! I can't do it all. I'm only one woman.
9:23 — y'all — how long is this on? Damn. I thought it ended at 10, it ends at 10:30.
9:25 — a montage of crap blowing up.
9:26 — Will Smith and his diamond earrings are presenting for Visual Effects. He's also wearing a brooch my Mammaw Patsy used to have. Benjamin Button won. I hope you're happy, Kanye. Look how excited these geeks are — it's like geek prom night! Sound Editing! Woo-hoo! Man, the Benadryl is working! The Dark Knight wins. Tonight the geeks left their cargo shorts and funny t-shirts at home and put on tuxes. Sound Mixing. Good grief. I really deserve an award for watching this. Slumdog Menuaire wins! Here come the geeks. You know the guy with the glasses lives in his mom's basement. She's probably his date. He sleeps in a racecar bed with Speed Racer sheets. Will Smith is even sick of this. He's explaining stuff and all I hear is blah blabbedy blah blaggedy dag dag. Film Editing. Who cares? Sumdamndog Millionaire wins again. Some bald dude accepts. He kinda looks like Moby, but taller. For the rest of the evening I'm calling the movie Slumdamndog. Morrissey's creepy uncle waved. Don't show him, he's creepcity.
9:44 — Eddie Murphy presens the Somebody Something Humanitarian Award to Jerry Lewis. Jerry gave a short speech. No standing O? Not everyone stood. Weird. I don't care for Jerry Lewis, but you gotta stand for that. Rude Hollywood people.
9:48 — snacks!
9:50 — Music time! Damn. Wake me up in a minute when this part is over. Seriously, I played violin, I can't take it.
9:53 — Original Score goes to Slumdamndog! On another note, Zac from High School Musical wins best Slicked Down Hair!
9:56 — I simply can't take it.
9:58 — WTF. I know I didn't see a ton of movies last year, but I'm sure there were more songs that could have been nominated. Tell me who won, Zac. Props to Zac for wearing the skinny bow-tie, btw. Oh hell, Slumdamndog won, "Jai Ho." I've known a couple of hos and not one name Jai, so I don't know what this guy's talking about.
10:06 — it's the award you've all been waiting for, Best Foreign Language Film. For real, y'all, this is some boring stuff. The clothes are even boring this year. I know we're in a damn recession, but come the freak on! Would it kill you to put some excitement in this show?
10:10 — Queen Latifah's going to tell us who died last year. Not actually tell us, she's singing and they're showing us who's passed away. Oh goody. This will liven the show up. This is usually when I realize someone died that I didn't know has died and I get mad that no one told me they died, as if it's someone's job to tell me about deaths in Hollywood. I do this every year. Did I know Roy Schieder died? You know from Jaws? I don't know if I knew that. Damn. See? Happens every year. Sydney Pollack died? Where the hell have I been?
Great. Now I'm all depressed.
10:18 — I'm yawning. I bet I'm the only one who is still watching this. It's Reese Witherspoon in a really seriously ugly dress. Ugly doesn't begin to cover it. It's black and blue and sparkly and looks like something I would have made in 8th grade home ec. I got a D in home ec. Best Director goes to — wait for it — Slumdamndog's Danny Boyle. And he said was receiving the award in the spirit of Tigger and jumped up and down. Sit the hell down, Morrissey's creepy uncle. It's sad that he gave the most memorable acceptance yet. And ode to Tigger. You must be kidding me.
10:27 — and it's the Best Actress Reunion. All y'all can go the eff home, 'cause Sophia Lauren killed it. Girl knows how to wear a gown, y'all. Shirley Maclaine is talking to Anne Hathway like they're at lunch of something. I think she made Anne's whole life. Melissa Leo from Frozen River totally has my Mammaw Branton's hairdo from the 80's. It's like Sophia Lauren said "screw this recession crap, I'm bringing it! Diamonds, pears, and all, biatches!" Nicole Kidman is back on the sauce. By the sauce I mean Botox. Kate Winslet won! I'm so happy for her. She's saying she used to deliver her acceptance speech in front of the bathroom mirror when she was 8 with a shampoo bottle. Her dad whistled so she would know where he was and he's wearing a black hat, so he gets props for livening this dog and pony show up.
10:38 — yippee tie yo! it's the Best Actor Reunion. What the hell is on Adrien Brody's head? I don't care if it's for a role, it looks terrible. And the goatee/scruffy beard is awful. Ew. Yes, we know Sean Penn played a gay dude in Milk, thanks for reminding us Bobby. Mickey better win so we can have some good times up on the stage. The Oscar goes to Sean Penn. Damn. He's wearing all black. I am not a fan of the all black tux. He just said "you commie homo-loving suns-a-guns." Oh boy. He called Mickey his brother. Y'all, Mickey is sad. He wanted to win for his dog.
10:53 — big freakin surprise, Slumdamndog wins Best Picture.
10:55 — Hugh said goodnight, it's over, people. That has to have been the most boring Oscars of the past few years. I'll catch y'all tomorrow. Be good and thanks for watching the awards with me. Y'all rock.
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