182/365: 44 Things I know for Sure

Every year since Al Gore invented the Interwebs I’ve been doing this annual list of things I know for sure. Most of the time it’s more of a list of random advice, but still.

I’m 44 today.

1. I’m Kerry. And I’m awesome.
2. There are a million ways to be cruel.
3. I watched something recently where a character said “let’s synchronize our watches” and it dawned on me: if I’m ever in cahoots with someone, I’ll have no reason to say “let’s synchronize our Apple Watches because Apple thought ahead.”
4. Have a friend whom you can tell everything.
5. Be that friend to someone else.
6. I miss cassette tapes. I miss making mixed tapes. Gifting playlists don’t compare.
7. People on tv and in movies never say “bye” on the phone anymore. They just hang up. Don’t do that if I’m talking to you.
8. Don’t take good sushi for granted.
9. Find a martini you like. Last year I decided to try a lemon drop martini. Now I have a martini I can order that sounds like I know something about a beverage instead only frozen margaritas and White Russians (which are more of a dessert drink).
10. If you wait for the right time you’ll never do it.
11. Just because Oprah did it, it doesn’t make it the best.
12. “Mmm Bop” is the best ringtone ever.
13. Suits is the modern Mad Men and Donna is the modern Joan.
14. Redheads stick together.
15. The beards are over. Stop it. Except for 5 of you. If you’re not Kenny Rogers, there are only 4 of you. Actually, 3. My friend Todd is 2.
16. This one is from Harvey Specter in Suits, “let them hate. Just make sure they spell your name right.”
17. Don’t leave voicemail. No one likes it. We sound stupid on it and no one likes listening to them.
18. If you haven’t taken a drive and turned up the music in a good while, it’s been too long. Start with Amy Winehouse’s “Back to Black.”
19. You are not a unicorn or a mermaid. That shit is over. Right here. I said it.
20. I am no one’s life preserver.
21. Key lime cheesecake is the best dessert.
22. I have 22 more of these to go. I’m old. So much older than when I started doing these lists 7 or 8 years ago.
23. Ben Folds is the most amazing musician of my lifetime. Contact me if you need an explanation. If you disagree don’t contact me, because you won’t win this argument.
24. Life is too short to be boring.
25. Learn how to spackel and paint.
26. Don’t let a clothing size or a scale define the way you feel about your body. You are more than numbers.
27. As a matter of fact, you define the numbers that count: the number of friends in your circle, the number of children you have, the number of people you let into your heart, the number of places you’ll go in your life.
28. Figure out what your eyebrow shape you have, work with it, pluck – wax – whatever. Just have a strong brow game.
29. Live loud, but know when to be quiet.
30. Don’t confuse having a lot of clothes with having style.
31. In the same vein, style has nothing to do with being expensive.
32. Be informed. There is no excuse for not being informed on what’s going on in the world. Don’t stop at being informed — get to the why of the thing.
33. It’s the smartest people who are the most stupid.
34. Find a really great concealer and learn how to use it.
35. If someone asks if you want coffee, the answer is always “yes.”
36. 44 is too old to give a damn about many things I gave a damn about for too long. Feel free to insert whatever age you are in place of my age.
37. Meredith Grey and Harvey Specter have the best quotes of any characters on television.
38. Sometimes it’s better not to say anything when you know with every fiber of your being that you should say what you mean to say.
39. Damian Kulash if OK Go is married to Al Gore’s daughter. Tipper Gore was among the women who brought about the Parental Advisory sticker placed on cassettes, discs, and digital albums for cursing and objectionable material. OK Go’s first song from Out of the Colour of the Blue Sky is called “WTF.” I think this is funny.
40. “If you dream it, you can do it” isn’t true because I still don’t have my very own Pegasus.
41. I’m also not a plus sized fashion model.
42. If you’re thinking of being a sales person for any multi-level-marketing company — the organizational chart is shaped like a pyramid for a reason.
43. Jeopardy is biased against people who don’t math good.
44. Don’t take a friend for granted. Tomorrow they may not be there.