173/365: Depression. Anxiety. Me.

I saw this today on the Facebook and it made me laugh hard.

I laughed because as most of you know, I live with mental illness. Bipolar type 2 with Generalized Anxiety is my brand of mental illness. I can laugh because it’s genuinely funny. And not funny from mania, no. Mental illness can be some funny shit. Especially when it’s paired with classical art.

Because I have the best psychiatrist around, Dr. Beardy McBeardyface, I was properly diagnosed and after a few years of trial and error, I’m on a cocktail that is pretty doggone perfect for me. It’s very hard to find the right drug combination, because I don’t have just one thing. Bipolar type 2 is like having two mental illnesses, then I have anxiety, which throws a big wrench into the works. So I’m on a whole pharmacy of stuff. I never really think about it until I have to bring my meds on a trip or today when my almost 13 year old asked, “what are all those for?” I told him. I’ll say this: if you are seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist and you are still not functioning on the level you believe you should be on, talk to your doctor and tell them the truth. Get your meds adjusted, there may be a new medication to try or your regular meds may have stopped working (they do that). Tell your doc. Keep at it until you feel better.

Last month I saw Dr. Beardy McBeardyface. He likes to say I’m his most normal patient. I think that is hilarious. At my last appointment he opened the door to the waiting room, holding my chart, and I looked up. He looked down at the chart and said “trouble” in a low voice and I said “that’s me.” I walked into his office and saw wooden puzzles on the floor in the corner and said “so this is what you’re doing now between patients?” He always asks how I’m doing, how I think my meds are working, and whatnot, then we talk about random things for 20 minutes. His phone went off and I said “hey, man, we’re talking here!” He said, “oh that’s my reminder to play this trivia game.” So, not-so-long-story-short, now I’m playing that trivia app.

This is all to say, I’m doing well. It’s mainly only my anxiety I deal with almost daily, despite being on a couple of things for that. It’s that annoying thing that won’t go away. I live with it. It lives with me. None of the little tricks I’ve learned work for refocusing , the 3-3-3 rule, breathing — none really work for me. Sometimes breathing woks, but maybe one time out of 25 times. But I’m ok. My good friends are also amazing for refocusing.

What works best for me is the dumbest, seeming shallow thing in the world. And this is it: I feel better when put on a little makeup and my favorite red lipstick and wear something cute. It’s the old SNL sketch with Billy Crystal as Fernando: “you look marvelous, darling. It is better to look good than to feel good.” I believe that. I know it’s stupid, but I don’t care. It works. It’s harder to be in a bad mood when you’re wearing a polka dot skirt, sandals with bows, and red lipstick. You know the phrase “dress for the job you want?” Well, dress for the mood you want. The attitude you want.

So, my secret for living with mental illness: a great doc, the right meds, great friends, and red lipstick.

Mental illness is tough. Be tougher.