91/365: Still Fighting It

There are dozens of songs that feel as if they have borrowed pieces of my life or mind. Some are quite special. Some are little pieces of memories like “Confetti” by The Lemonheads or “Here Comes the Sun” or “Holding Back the Years.”

But “Still Fighting It” is very different. The song is written for Ben Folds’ son and Ben says “you’re so much like me. I’m sorry.”

Those word are tough. I think most songwriters strive to write songs from their hearts and are honest in their own way. I don’t think most songwriters accomplish that. There are many songwriters in the past few years who are good. They strip it down and write. But Fold is writing to his son. Directly. And because he is so honest, it comes across as a beautiful letter to his child. We all have traits we wouldn’t want to pass down to our kids and I won’t pretend to know what Folds was writing about specifically. But I know what that is to me.

One of my children is so much like me. When I listen to the song I’m brought to tears because of that. Half of the way my child is like me is wonderful and so much better than me. The other half is what I wouldn’t wish on anyone. And Lord, not my kid. Not anyone I know. It’s not my exact brand, but it is hard. And I hate that this child is so much like me. And I know in my mind that it’s not my fault and I couldn’t have predicted it, but each and every time I see my kid struggle, I want to say “I’m sorry.”

We were in the car, just the two of us the other day and because I know my kiddo doesn’t always want to talk about how they feel, I asked if I could play a song. “Sure.” I played “We’re Still Fighting It” and I sang along, my voice cracking and fighting back getting choked up too much and when it was over, my wonderful, brave, amazing kid said “I liked that song, Mom.” It was that kind of moment that is rare. My kid knew. I didn’t have to say anything. And don’t get me wrong, we’ve talked about my mental illness and what my child deals with many times, but this was different. I’m always fighting it and I’ve accepted that I will for the rest of my life. That’s not something I want for any of my kids and it kills me that one of them will be fighting it. But those other wonderful qualities hopefully outweigh the dreaded ones.

So, this post is for all of us who are still fighting it — whatever your “it” is. You are not alone. XO