everyone’s special

I am not a people person.  Not really.  People think I am, but it's only that I like a small number of people at a time.  I do not like masses and I have never been one for parties or places where you would find lots of people.  Especially somewhere where I will be forced to talk to anyone or that sort of thing.  Keep the fact you just learned about me in mind while reading the following. 

Yesterday I went to Target alone.  It was the first day all three kids were in school since before spring break and I just wanted spend the day by myself with my thoughts shopping and running errands.  There were several items on my list from all sections of the store and for some reason on practically every aisle I happened be on there was a scattered-looking woman in scrubs.  Now, I can be a little paranoid, so I was starting to think I was being followed by a member of the medical community, so I tried to ignore her.

That tactic worked until I made my way to the checkout.  There were three lines open and each line was three customers deep, so I picked a line.  The woman in scrubs got in line behind me.  Then she started talking.

I might as well have said, "Hello, I'm Kerry: crazy magnet."  For a view into my world, here is the dialogue:

Woman In Scrubs:  I've never had to wait here this long. 

Me:  Yep.

WIS:  Do they have a — a — whadayacallit?

Me:  An express lane?

WIS:  Yeah, do they have an express lane?

Me:  It doesn't appear to be open today.

WIS:  I don't know if I'm gonna make it. 

At this point I closed my eyes for a couple of seconds, took a deep breath and knew I would be hearing her life story.

WIS:  I can't miss having my blood checked, I may have to leave my cart here. 

Me: Hmmm.

WIS:  I really shouldn't have put it off.  Do you ever do that, put things off?

It was at this moment I decided to do what I never do in these situations when I have acquired a new BFF in public  — I would be myself.

Me:  Yes, I'm actually a master of procrastination. 

WIS:  Well, I try not to.  Since I've been in remission, I have to get checked regularly. 

Me:  I suppose so. 

WIS (pointing to her chest):  They say you either die with 'em or die getting 'em taken out.  I just wish they could take it out.  Guess I'll die with it. 

Sweet mother of science, what is she talking about?  A pacemaker?   What can you be in remission from that requires a pacemaker? 

Me:  I guess so. 

WIS:  My legs just get so tired. 

Me:  I bet.

WIS:  And now I'll be late to the lab.  Did you see these? 

What?  Mini Funyuns?  Do they even make those?  Should you be eating those with whatever health problems you may or may not have?

Me:  No, I haven't —

WIS:  Doctor says I shouldn't, but I love my snacks.  Knowhadamean?  Ha!

She's laughing.  Hey, don't judge me by the contents of my cart!  The cookies and Goldfish crackers are for the kids and I don't even like pepperoni pizza.  See the Splenda?  That's mine.  Wait, are you saying I'm fat?  Don't make me slap you.

Me:  Um —

WIS:  I've never waited here this long.  I'm going to miss my labs.  If it wasn't for my cats I'd tell my doctor to just take this thing out.  I'm tired of living with it, but I gotta.  The cats like these too.

Funyun-freaking-eating-cats.  Oh hell no.  They're not Mini Funyuns, they're Wasabi Funyuns.  Good grief.  What have I done to deserve this conversation?

Me:  They're probably not good for the cats either. 

WIS:  I want an ICEE.  

Me:  Oh, look, they're opening another line!

The Woman in Scrubs hightailed it to the new checkout line and I looked around to see if I was being punk'd.  This kind of stuff happens to me all the time.  I don't know what it is about me that makes people want to tell me all about their lives in five minutes or less, but it happens almost every time I leave the house.  I must have the kind of face that says "tell me the kookiest thing you can think of."  But I'm anything but that person.  Anyone for Funyuns?