the eff-it list

In reading Shapely Prose yesterday I came across a new brilliant idea, the F*ckit List, which is the exact opposite of the Bucket List, the list of things you want to accomplish before you die.  I love this idea, probably because I'm truly a pessimist.  I've always called myself an optimistic pessimist, if that makes any sense (it does to me).  I try to see the silver lining around each cloud, but I tend to the think silver is most likely lead.  It's a gift I have.

So, here's my F*ckit List, things I have no intention of doing before I die:

1. learn a foreign language — I haven't finished learning English
2. bungee jump or anything "extreme" enough to kill me
3. get a "real job"
4. get into a bikini by summer — apparently lots of magazines in the check-out line want me to do this 
5. go back to school
6. go on "Survivor"
7. give up coffee  — that's just laughable
8. try to get along with everyone
9. be criticized by Simon Cowell
10. go camping
11. see another Kevin Costner movie
12. ride in the Tour de France
13. learn to ski
14. ride a roller coaster — haven't been on one since I was a kid and threw up
15. drive a stick shift
16. learn to like fruit — I like 3 fruits and that's enough
17. give up chocolate
18. make a cake from "scratch" again
19. wear really high heels
20. mow the grass
21. become a bee keeper
22. scuba dive (sorry, hubs)
23. run a marathon
24. have a wardrobe malfunction at the Superbowl.
25. go to the Superbowl.
26. go to the Waffle House again
27. go to Japan
28. do yoga
29. have a rock garden — I think they're stupid, I can't help it
30. climb Mt. Everest or anything else made of rocks
31. ride an elephant in the circus
32. wear pantyhose again — no, I'm not kidding
33. go to the Turkey Creek Water Park
34. participate in a Civil War reenactment 
35. see the Taj Mahal
36. see Celine Dion in concert (or in Target or anywhere else for that matter)
37. watch Top Gun again
38. go hunting
39. roller skate
40. go ice fishing
41. try to be perfect
42. watch what I say
43. become a vegan
44. like country music
45. appreciate opera
46. become a storm chaser
47. ride a bull
48. have 8 babies at one time
49. join the Flying Elvises
50. fight Mike Tyson