Dear Male Readers,
As a public service, I'm giving you Valentine advice because I've spoken with your wives and girlfriends. The word on the street is you need to tighten up on the gift-giving and "romantic" ideas this Valentine's Day. Don't get me wrong, we (women in general) are thrilled you take the time to order flowers online, but The Kerry Blog is here to help with some advice if you have not already made Valentine's Day plans (and if you haven't made plans, seriously? it's the 13th — Valentine's Day is the 14th every year, it's not like it can sneak up on you).
First, let's examine what not to do tomorrow. If you've purchased/planned any of the following, just stop — unless you're a fan of disappointed/angry women.
- Petals on the bed/carpet. For realz? Don't sprinkle petals that we will have to clean up later and that may possibly stain the duvet or carpet. Anything we will have to take the time to clean is not romantic, even if it is momentarily pretty.
- Lingerie that could be used as floss, a kite string, or a bungee cord. Just — no, just don't.
- If you will be purchasing lingerie at least find out what size your wife/girlfriend wears. I truly don't know what's worse — getting something that's too small or getting something that could be used as a car cover 'cause you think we wanna rock the granny panty lingerie.
- A few words on flowers: some women like flowers, some do not. Take 5 minutes to get your loved one's view on the subject and find out what she likes. My hubs has figured out that I do not like red roses, I prefer pink. The truth is, I can't stand red, I think they smell like death and that's not a good think on Valentine's Day. Or any other day, really. I'm not a big fan of flowers, honestly. Unless they happen to be part of the fabric on my Valentine's present to myself — the Brighton Lilly bag. And here's another tip on flowers from Kerry: don't be a fool and only get one rose because you think that's romantic for some reason — it just makes you look cheap. Cheap is not good. And tip #2 at no additional charge: don't buy one of those silk roses with the fake dew on them or any fake flowers for that matter. Fake flowers are for headstones. And for the love of all things good, don't get the panties rolled up and stuck on a fake rose stem pretending to be a damn rose. There is a word for that and the word is tacky.
- Forget the chocolates in the big red heart box at Walgreens and go to Godiva. Note: Walgreens doesn't exactly scream Valentine's Day, neither does the dollar store.
- No stuffed animals. Ever. I don't care if it's a big ass teddy bear holding a big ass diamond ring, just give the ring and forget the bear. Adults do not need stuffed animals. And they harbor dust mites for goodness sakes.
- Balloons are for birthday parties.
- We don't want to go to a sporting event on Valentine's Day. Do not be fooled into thinking Valentine's Day is about you, it's not. I don't care what you've heard, this holiday was invented by women so we'd get some good pressies. We just want to be taken to dinner, maybe a movie, a play, something nice — not the damn Monster Truck Jam at the arena or a basketball game.
- Do not make dinner unless you're going to clean up the mess. This really needs no further explanation, does it?
- And finally, do not buy us anything with a cord unless it was specifically asked for as a Valentine gift. If your wife mentioned last week that she'd like a new vacuum, she doesn't mean she wants one for Valentine's Day. And just because the Dyson vacuum comes in pink, that doesn't make it a Valentine gift.
Hopefully you've learned something from today's lesson on the holiday. If I hear you've taken your wife to Barnhill's Buffet for dinner and then to boat show afterward I will have no choice but to display your picture and ridicule you in Blogland. There is just no excuse for a bad Valentine's Day. Make me proud and get her something nice. And I don't mean a fake Louis Vuitton either.
xxxooo,
Kerry
kerryfaler.blog 
I have just read this to Shearn and he wants to know where the hell you come up with this stuff. I told him it comes to you naturally…. loved this post. you need a real advice column. for realz. move over hints for heloise, kerry’s coming at ya!
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yes, it comes to me naturally — I really don’t know what that means, though. It’s the stuff that’s in my brain all the time, just written down.
I’ll let y’all know when I get an offer for an advice column. I’m sure The New York Times will be beating my door down when they find out how inexpensively I work.
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