what the hell Friday: carry that weight

When I posted my new year's resolutions last week (has it been 2009 for a week already?  Damn) I'm sure a few of you thought "ok, where's the 'lose weight' resolution?"  Well, I didn't make that a resolution.  It's not because I don't want to lose weight, it's because after 20 years of being on some type of diet or another, I've decided not to make it a resolution.  Yes, it's been on my list for 20 years.  What the hell?  That's either pathetic or — well, it's pathetic.  So, no, it's not a resolution. 

What I have decided to do is be healthier in 2009 and not make my weight the center of it all.  Why?  Because of Oprah.

Did you miss the headline?  It made CNN!  Good grief, Oprah gained weight.  The nation's economy is in the toilet, we're in a war, Osama's still out there, Israel's attacking Gaza again — but stop the presses!  Oprah has hit 200 pounds. 

This is O on the cover of O.  Does she look horrible?  No.  Sure, the purple outfit is doing nothing for her, but she looks fine.  This is what O had to say on the matter: "I can’t believe that after all these years, all the things I know how
to do, I’m still talking about my weight. I look at my thinner self and
think, `How did I let this happen again?’"  Maybe it's because your body is not meant to be 140 pounds.  I'm not advocating being heavy, but starving yourself and having to workout to the degree Oprah did to stay the weight you diet down to is unhealthy as well. 

For instance, I'm 5'2" and according to several weight charts I'm supposed to be 128 pounds.  A friend of mine who happens to be a doctor said that would be tiny for me and I agreed.  I was 128 pounds when I was in 7th or 8th grade, which was before I had hips (you're thinking I was going to say "and boobs," but no, I had already had the boobs).  So, no, I don't think 128 pounds is my "ideal" weight.  Ideal maybe if I go on Survivor for fat chicks and lose half my body weight, maybe — but no, 128 isn't gonna happen.  Nope. 

Just for fun, I uploaded a photo of me taken a few minutes before my date picked me up for prom senior year.  Let's look at what I would consider my ideal weight, shall we. 

The pic is taken at an angle, so it's weird, but whatev.  And yes, I really am that pale. And that was the year I made a brilliant decision to dye my hair black at Halloween with the wash-out in 24 shampoos hair color, only it didn't wash out, so that was as light as it got.  What the hell?  I was an effing genius — really, I don't know how I made it through that year with all the stupid things I did.  I was 18 and I'm guessing 160 lbs.  I looked normal, looking back, of course.  But at the time I was depressed beyond belief and had zero self esteem (and obviously no posture to speak of — look at those shoulders).  At 18 I hated the way I looked because I thought I was fat.  Now, if I was a good blogger, I would photshop in a pic of me now looking at my 18 year-old self and do a magazine cover mock-up like the O cover.  But, I'm not going to do that because I'm lazy.  My point is, hindsight is 20/20.  Always has been. By the way, I don't know what I was thinking straightening my hair that night because it rained and I looked like a poodle by the time we got to prom.  Oh, and look at those skinny ankles — is it any wonder I've sprained them a hundred times? 

We can't dwell on what was any more than we can worry about the future.  Sure, I looked a lot better then, but I was 18.  I wasn't a happy girl.  It took years to figure out my happiness isn't connected to my weight and it shouldn't rule my thoughts, although it does much of the time.  If I beat myself up over my weight it only makes me want to eat cookies.  Like half a bag of cookies.

Instead of Oprah asking how she "let" herself gain weight, a better message would be to be happy and healthy at whatever point in life you are, whatever age you are.  I'm going to eat healthier this year and start walking and stuff.  That's not mind-blowing, it just makes sense that if I don't want to have a lot of the problems overweight people deal with as they age, I should get healthier for health's sake.  That's not because I'm unhappy with the way I look, hell, as you can see at 18 I had the double chin — it's about being happy with who I am and treating myself better. 

And treating myself better also has to deal with how I view myself.  I am not my weight.  I am not my dress size.  I am Kerry: wife, mother, daughter, friend, superfantastic woman in the here and now.  And that's pretty good. I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with that. 

For your Friday, I'm leaving you with two more pictures from an artist I just discovered a few days ago through one of my favorite blogs, Manolo for the Big Girl.  The artist is Kal Barteski and she was an instant fave the second I saw her art.  It's empowering and smart, pretty and soulful — and I love art that is all those things.

Barteski calls these "tiny art" and these are my two favorites. 

This one says:

"she was the one who couldn't see /she was the one who didn't know/ compassion was curvy/ experiences experience was heavy/ beauty was within her/ so much beauty."

If I would have seen this as a teenager it would have turned a lightbulb on inside my head.  I'm sure of that.  There were no messages for girls like this in the early 90's.  There were no girls that looked like me in magazines.  There were no body acceptance blogs, that was a few years later.  

I'm loving the tiny art.

The tiny art on the right says:

"she loved/ she loved and loved/ with every inch in every way/ en masse/ and all and every/ undeniable/ unbelievable/ indisputable/ incomparable beauty./ so much beauty"

If you don't think that's awesome, just go put on some Britney Spears and read Cosmo or eat some Cheetos, 'cause I got nothin'.

I'm serious. 

Okay, if you're still with me, I'll post some scrapbookie stuff this weekend and we'll have some fun.  Your assignment for this weekend is to be happy with yourself, or at least start on that path. 

I'm happy being me and I'm happy you're here. I like you the best.  But you already knew that.