what the hell Friday: tech etiquette

I was reading the CNN site tonight at came across a Real Simple magazine guide to tech etiquette with questions and answers from "experts" in manners and etiquette and thought, really?  What the hell?  I'm polite and all, I don't need any experts telling me what's proper tech etiquette — I practically invented the subject.  Y'all know I'm hopelessly addicted to gadgets, so I'm qualified, yo.  So, here's the Kerry Blog Guide to Tech Etiquette.

1. You're walking down the street and listening to your iPod when
you run into someone you know. Do you need to remove both earbuds to
talk to her?

What the hell?  Remove both earbuds to talk?  It's like this, don't interrupt me while I'm listening to my jams.  How do you know "Jungle Love" by Morris Day and the Mother Effin' Time's not on?  You can't interrupt that!  Dang, I might be groovin' to my theme song "Goody Two Shoes."  Talk about etiquette, don't bother me. Text me like a damn normal person.  And where I am going walking down the street?  I have a car.  I play my iPod in the car, and I can talk while I drive, so call me. 

2. Is it rude to check your PDA at a friend's house?

The "expert" says to think of your PDA like a crossword puzzle and you can use it anywhere it would be acceptable to work a crossword puzzle.  What the hell?  Who's getting together and doing crossword puzzles with friends?  Here's the Kerry Blog advice: if you need to access your PDA for something important like an email from your realtor or to check if you're winning the limited edition Hello Kitty personal massager on eBay or to watch the video of the monkey sneezing on YouTube — go ahead, knock yourself out.  Your friend will understand.  If not, refer her to my blog, tell her I said it's okay and I'm an expert. 

3. How quickly must I respond to an e-mail? Are the standards different for work e-mails versus personal e-mails?

Hmm.  That's a hard one.  I would say — what the hell?  I have stuff to do, I can't be emailing you back right away all the time.  I might be busy blogging or talking to friends on FaceBook, something important like that.  Unless you're emailing me something really funny, then I'll email back immediately.   Now, if I emailed you — that's something completely different.  I give friends half a day to email back and if they haven't I assume  a) they are busy planning a surprise party for me,  b) they've been injured in a horrible disfiguring accident and can't reply,  c) I have said something to offend them and they're pissed.  I'm paranoid, so what?  Email people back, ok?

4. If someone calls you, can you e-mail the person back or send a
text message if you're not in the mood to talk? What if you text or
e-mail someone and the person calls you back?

I have to say, I don't have this problem because everyone always wants to talk to me.  Now, if someone calls you, you should call them back. I have a bad habit of not listening to voice mails, but I do check the caller ID and call people back — unless I'm busy posing for the new Victoria's Secret catalog.  If someone emails, you should email them back.  And that brings up another point: how do you know when it's ok to not email someone back?  You know, you get an email to ask what time you're meeting a friend for lunch, so you reply with the time, then they reply to your reply to say thanks — are you supposed email back to say you're welcome?  That could go on forever.  Have you ever gotten a thank-you note so nice that you thought "I should send a thank-you note back"?  Same idea.

5. Is using BCC (blind carbon copy) on an e-mail considered sneaky?

Hell no!  Is it sneaky to call up a friend after an event you both attended to talk about how whatshername was wearing those low-rise jeans and you could see her thong and she has no business wearing low-rise or thongs?  Not in my book.  Some things just need to be said.  For instance, I received and email not long ago that was so ridiculously juvenile and mean-spirited that I had to share it with close friends.  I thought about posting it on the blog, as a couple of friends suggested, but I was content just to show a select few what a pompous baffoon this individual was.  Is that sneaky?  No.  Is it being ugly?  Maybe.  Did my friends and I make up a new nickname for this person and now refer to them by that name?  Fo shizzle.  When in doubt, follow the Kerry Blog Rules of Emailification. 

    a) don't put anything in writing you wouldn't want to come back to bite you in the ass.
    b) if you're going to put things in writing you may regret later, use spell check for crying outloud.
    c) if you're going to put things in writing you may regret later, make sure you send it to the person you intended it for.  Once in high school I wrote two notes to two different friends and passed them on the way to a pep rally, of course, being an idiot, I mixed them up.  So, friend A found out what a beyotch I thought she really was and friend B thought it was pretty funny.  If you're going to be snarky, get it right.  For the record, beyotch was crazy and went off on me and we didn't speak after that.  Moral of this story: if you want out of a bad friendship/relationship, mix up your emails — it may get a crazy person out of your life, on the other hand, she could go all Single White Female on you.   
    d) once you hit send you can't get it back.  Don't drink and email, don't email late at night, and don't email in anger.
    e) email is not to be used for any of the following: beaking up with your significant other, telling someone their dad is gay, asking if there's going to be weed at a party, asking if there will be an open bar, telling someone their cat died, telling someone you saw their mom at a bar and she was looking hot, asking if it's okay to ask your friend's mom out, telling someone you think their child has Asperger's, admitting to an addiction, admitting you have no idea how you got home last night, telling someone you knew their spouse was a cross dresser, telling someone you think you saw their neighbor on Dateline's To Catch a Predator, or asking your spouse if that dent in their car was already there. 

Hopefully that will help some of you.  If you read the last paragraph and said, "uh-oh," then maybe you should distance yourself from the Interwebs for a while.  If you have any further advice, feel free to leave it in the Comments.  As for me, it's 1:10 am, perfect time for some late night emailing.  I think it's a great time to confess to a friend that I may or may not have seen seen pics of their spouse naked on the Interwebs. 

Y'all have a good weekend.