holiday pet peeves: edition 4

Although my friends look to me as their own personal Kerripedia, I've never claimed to know everything — well, yes I have, but I was joking.  Anyinfo, for some reason I know a lot of things about a lot of things, most of which are only helpful when playing Trivial Pursuit, not for any real purpose.  And trust me, not useful for any type of work or occupation — I've had many and no one ever asked me who invented the zipper (Whitcomb Judson) or what year Abbey Road was released (1969) or who wrote "the Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"  (T.S. Eliot), but I can whip anyone's booty in Trivial Pursuit, as all my pursuits are fairly trivial.  So, it's no surprise that I do know something about the Bible, being a Christian, having read it, sung hymns about it, and having heard roughly 2000 sermons on it.

And so here's what I do know. The book of Luke tells us Jesus was born during the the time of the census in Bethlehem and since there were no rooms to let, his mom, Mary, and his earthly dad, Joseph, laid him in a manger after he was born.  An angel told some shepherds about the birth and they came to see baby Jesus.   Eventually the wise men showed up and brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh; this is mentioned in the book of Matthew.  Those are the main characters.  That's all you need to know to make a decent nativity set. 


What I want to know is why this simple but amazing and beautiful story is butchered by so many retail outlets?  I don't know.  Here's what I do know. Santa Claus was not at the birth of the Son of God.  Shocking, I know.  Let me break this down for you: Santa is not real, he was based on a 4th Century Greek Bishop named Nicholas, therefore St. Nicholas, Jolly old St. Nick, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, Papa Noel — whatever you want to call the man with the bag — he missed the birth of Jesus by a few centuries. 

It annoys me to no end to see Santa and Jesus together. It's a huge pet peeve of mine to see that.  I could do without Santa all together actually, because he never did anything for me and being that now he's just used as an icon for mass retailers. 

Enough serious Kerry-talk and onto the absurd because I'm sure that's what you tuned into for today.  I spent a whole 15 minutes on the Interwebs looking up weird nativity sets and I'll share them with you.

Here's as fine a scene as any to start with, the owl Nativity.  Owls, as in Whooooo's your Savior? Owls are creepy weird-ass birds that have no place in my life or my nativity scene.  Who thought of this?  Really? Bizarre, to say the least.  And an owl Shepherd?  No, that's just stupid. 

Wanna know what else is stupid?  Any other animal representing Jesus and family.  
Do we really need a dog nativity?  Whether it's with real dogs or ceramic dogs with chiauau angels.  And that golden retriever shepherd looks bored.   Weird, man.  The goose nativity I just don't understand.  If they put Mary Goose and Joseph Goose in clothes, why not Jesus Goose?  Maybe I'm putting too much thought into this.  But I just can't help but think how on Earth would geese put on clothes?  They're as bad as the creepy-city owls up there — the owls are even holding things.  Owls have no hands, much less opposable thumbs. 

But that's not as disturbing as a nativity set that's edible. 

Why?  Why would anyone want to eat baby Jesus?  Talk about creepy.  And I suppose Mary, Joseph, and the camel are all milk chocolate; the wisemen are dark chocolate; and the sheep, shepherd, and angel are white chocolate.  Who made that decision?  I wish I could have sat in on that meeting in the candy shop.  "Well, I figure babies drink milk, so we make Jesus milk chocolate."  I think whoever came up with this idea was at least partly a nutjob (not my word, that's what a mental health professional would say). 

But if that's not weird enough, how about cookie cutters so you can make your own cookie nativity.  I almost get this one, I see where this idea almost makes sense.  You see, making cookies at Christmas is something moms and kids have done for ages, why not incorporate the story of Jesus' birth and make some yummy treats?  Because it's just plain icky to eat Jesus!   

Now, I have no problem if you just want to make your cookie nativity  and decorate it like a gingerbread house, but please stop there.  For realz, people.  Don't go eating it even if it looks delicious.  And this is me saying this — y'all know I love me some cookies, they are my weakness as kryptonite was to Superman (only Superman didn't eat kryptonite).  Personally, I would not make this.  But, if you're going to make the cookie nativity set, you might as well have the nativity kitchen timer.  As you know, nothing says "it's Chirstmastime!" like baby Jesus and fam dinging to let you know your Jesus cookies are ready.  I know a certain cake decorator I'd love to give this to for Christmas, as she was the inspiration for this post when she emailed me about the lovely baby Jesus and Santa that started me on the quest to find the tackiest nativities on the Interwebs. 

Speaking of tacky, how about a ginormous inflatable nativity for your lawn?   Now, I'm not the best with measurement, but I'm guessing this is 900 feet tall.  Look at those children — they look like extras from the Munchkinland scene from the Wizard of Oz.  It's funny, I recall Luke 2:11 saying "Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you," not "Today in the town of David a GIANT baby Jesus was born!"  This is just creepy.  Now, I must confess something here.  Last Christmas my mother-in-law said she wanted to put a nativity set on her lawn and I went to work, searching high and low for this very inflatable monstrocity. Because when someone says "I'm thinking of getting a nativity," my brain goes "hmm, I wonder what the biggest, most obnoxious thing I could get would be?"  That's how I am pretty much any time a friend or family member mentions something to me.  I've never believed that "less is more" crap — hell no, more is more! I so wanted to set this up on her lawn for her to see when she came how from work and freak her out.  Unfortunately, it was not to be.  Who would have thought it would have been sold out everywhere within driving distance of Mandeville?  Oh, bother.


Maybe you like your nativity on a smaller scale, say to fit on an end table.  Maybe you're into aliens and stuff, well, here's an option.  Yes, I know those are supposed to be lambs in the window, but they look like aliens to me.  It could only be better if there were pink flamingos in the background which reminds me of our neighbors in Brunswick, GA who put up a sleigh with a green alien dressed as Santa being pulled by a few pink flamingos.  Those were the days.  And really, aliens have as much to do with the Christmas story as an obese old guy in a red suit.  I'm just saying. 

Let's get to the three nativity scenes that probably bothered me the most out of the bunch (and trust me, I left out a lot).  

I find that nothing brings out the spirit of Christmas like a game of bean bag toss.  This is a great way to teach the kids about Jesus.  Everyone get a bean bag and throw it at the wisemen for 10 points!  Why is it only 5 points for the slot above Jesus?  Seems like that one would be worth more, maybe it's just me.  You know a kid that plays this will one day invent the nativity slot machine with 3 wisemen in a row instead of cherries.  

 Here's the troll nativity.  I have no words. 

And I'm leaving you with the Celtic nativity.  That's right.  Celtic.  Here's what the store blurb says, "Packaged in a
special keepsake box with the tradition of the Celtic nativity, this 6
piece cultural set is sure to become a cherished family heirloom as it
celebrates the sacred birth in Irish heritage."  Say wha?  The sacred birth in Irish heritage?  Was Jesus Irish?  Y'all, I'm a good bit Irish — I've done the research, my great (times a few dozen) grandpappy was the first mayor of County Cork, for realz.  With all the time I've spent researching the geneaology and reading up on the history of Ireland, I can't believe I didn't know Jesus was Irish.  Plus, the figures in this creep-city set are just busts and they're super weird.  What's with the two-headed one?  I think this is the worst offender in the bunch. 

Okay, peeps, this is the longest post I've written in a long time, but there are a lot of pics that take up a lot of room.  This post was a two day affair, started yesterday, worked on before church, and after lunch.  And I have to say, at no time in the service today did our pastor mention aliens in the Christmas story or trolls or even the Irish.  Next year I'll be releasing my own nativity scene with Barbie and Ken dolls, as well as one with superhero figures.  Wonder Woman as Mary, Superman as Joseph, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and Flash would be the wisemen and Batman would be the shepherd.  I'll have to find a tiny Superboy for Jesus, but don't worry, I'm on the case.