holiday pet peeves: edition 3 (I think)

I love my Christmas tree.  I love that it's prelit and it does not bother me in the least that it's artificial because I'm allergic to the real ones anyway and did I mention it's prelit?  Also, the real tree was always a source of contention in my house growing up.  One year my dad was all DIY and flocked the the tree himself (great plan, huh?) and my mom was furious because we could not hang a single ornament on it,  the thing was so plastered with flocking.  Picture a large, solid-white cone-shaped tree in a small dining room in 1980 with a crying 6 year-old (me) and 4 year-old (crazy sis), a mom with frosted hair yelling at a dad about the flocked tree in the corner about the fact that the tinsel is sliding off.  Oh, that was good times! 


Anytinsel, I've never been big on real trees.  I know, OH, THE HORROR of an artificial tree!  But I don't care.  I don't have to water it and vacuum up needles and hope there isn't a squirrel or chipmunk living it just waiting for the perfect time to come out, bite me and give me rabies for Christmas.  Oh, chipmunks are all cute when they're singing "Christmastime is Here" and wearing little shirts on TV, but in the wild, chipmunks are deadly ninja-like creatures with a thirst for blood.  I can't risk all that.  So, here's lovely pic of my fake tree in all it's splendor.

Was there really a doubt that I would have pink snowflakes and colored glittery balls on my tree?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  My tree has all the stuff the kids have made, our Hallmark ornaments, and everything, so it's very colorful and fun.  Just like a family tree should be.

But on the other end of the spectrum is something I call "that doesn't belong on a Christmas tree."  For some reason in the past decade or so, people have been putting weird stuff on their trees and it's just getting more strange.  You might not be aware of this yet, as these new breeds of ornamentation have been slowly introduced in department stores from coast to coast, mingling with the regular ornaments, right under our noses. Right at the top of my list are owls.  Regular readers know I hate owls, they are creepcity.  But really, what the hell does an owl have to do with Christmas?  You ever heard of the Christmas Owl?  NO!  Here's what I saw at Macy's.

 
Okay, I'm just going to say it people.  If you want owls, skunks, mushrooms, and other woodland creatures in your tree maybe you should 
have left it in the dang forest.  There, I said it.  That's right, leave the tree in the forest.  And if you have an artificial tree, it's a downright shame to put fake owls on a fake tree.  On second thought, go ahead — if anyone should put fake crap on a tree it should the artificial tree owners.  Did you see that?  I can change my mind.  It can be done.  While we're
at it, go ahead and put the Pottery Barn glittery acorns 
and a shiny onion on your tree.  Why on earth would you put an onion on a Christmas tree?  That's the stupidest thing I've seen all day.  I mean I'm familiar with the song "Glass Onion" by the Beatles, but I'm pretty sure they weren't singing about Christmas decorations.

You shouldn't have onions on your tree.  You know what else you shouldn't put on your tree?  Things that mix Jesus and Santa.  You know what I'm talking about.  I've seen many a yard with a nativity right next to a giant blow-up Santa, but this ornament takes the cake.  It's kit from Oriental Trading.  Now, I order stuff from OT every year for vacation Bible school, so I'm familiar with their site and I knew they would have some pretty tacky stuff for Christmas, but not Santa praying next to baby Jesus in the manger. 
That's just wrong.  Plus, it looks like baby Jesus is giving the thumbs up to Santa, like "hey, I know I'm the baby Savior and all, but we're cool, just bring me some sweet presents.  Oh, and I know I'm Jewish, but my dad, you know — God — he's down with you bringing me a tricycle or a puppy."  I'm all for the "Keep Christ in Christmas" idea, but I've been in protestant church my whole life and I'm pretty sure Santa was not at the birth of Christ.  And I'm not buying that maybe he was a Wise Man, 'cause they didn't come from the North Pole and they didn't travel by reindeer either.  

Now, I don't want to ruin your day with this, but I have found what are — hands down — the most disturbing Christmas ornaments I have ever seen.  This is a whole 'nother category of fug.  It's the mythical gay biker merman.  Yes.  Gay.  Biker.  Merman.  Holding a Cosmo. Let's have a moment of silence.  Okay, that's better.  This is on par with the Patrick Swayze centaur tattoo.  You know Clay Aiken has the collection: firefighter merman, cowboy merman, Indian merman, police officer merman, construction worker merman, and army merman.  I could not make this up — I'm simply just not talented enough.  It's the Village People as mermen.  The site doesn't say that, but come on — it's the freakin' flockin' Village People with a few more thrown in for good measure.  Y'all, I don't know whether to be in awe of the evil genius that thought of this or call the funny farm and tell them someone escaped.  For realz. 

Don't forget to send in your pics or videos for the Kerry Blog Ugly Ass Christmas Decoration Contest.  Email the tackiest lawn in your neighborhood/town to kerrybee7@yahoo.com and I'll announce the winner on Christmas Eve.  It's going to be all that and a bag of gay biker mermen!  Y'all are on your own for the Cosmos, there's no open bar on the Kerry blog.