Christmas shopping guide: idea #4 — arts and crafts edition

Y'all know I'm crafty (in more ways than one) and I enjoy and arts and crafts fair, when there are actual arts and crafts for sale.  Let's play everyone's favorite game for our Christmas Shopping Guide today: Art or Craft?!

Let's start with what Megan and I found in the first tent.

This would be the Enchanting Aromas homemade candles.  Please draw your eyes to the middle candle on the left.  The scent is Butt Naked.  Now, the sign says PLEASE SMELL! but there was no way I was taking a whiff of a candle with Butt in the title.  Notice there are people shopping in this booth.  Notice the email address starts with earoma — is it just me or does that sound like some kind of skin cancer of the ear?  "Sorry, Mrs. Faler, you have an Earoma and it's reached stage 5, I'm afraid you can no longer wear earrings."  That would be a devastating diagnosis.  Anyroma, you won't find the Butt Naked candle at Bath and Body Works or anywhere else for that matter.  Thank baby Jesus.  The candles are neither art nor craft.

Moving on, what would Christmas be without toys? 

A lot less creepy is my guess if you're going to give your kids troll dolls.  This booth and every kind of troll doll for all your troll doll needs.  And what a name for the booth: Trolls and Fun.  Because trolls are clearly not fun, so you have to buy some fun to go with them.  Those things are creepy and weird.  I never understood the draw of the troll doll. 

The trolls are neither art nor craft.  They are, however creep-city and I'm pretty sure it you spend your time with troll dolls all day long you are in need of psychiatric evaluation.  Trust me, it is worth checking into and I can reccommend someone if you need me to.  I'm just saying. 

Moving on.

Some vendors apparently think arts and crafts is a science or at least pseudo-medicine voodoo. 

Not that I haven't had a masseuse that could have been called an artist, but generally, no, pressure point massage is not an art or a craft.  And who goes to a craft fair and thinks, "oh, I sure could go for a massage, Louise.  Oh, look, there's a masseuse!" 

Wouldn't you know it, a few booths down from the pressure point massage was something I never imagined to see at an arts and crafts fair. 

Of course, it's the Ye Olde Pain Relief Acupuncture booth.  This is where What the Hell Friday comes into play.  What the hell?  Seriously, people.  And no, I've never tried it because 1) I've had too many shots in my 34 year-old life and don't want to stick needles in my body for fun and B) I'm still considered sane in most states and 3) it hurts when I attempt to sew and stick myself with a needle.  Do I need to remind you that I got D in home ec in middle school? 

The only craft I consider acupuncture to be is witchcraft.  And I didn't get a picture of the big-ass sign at the back of the booth because the gentleman in the brown jacket was blocking it.  It was a big lifesize diagram of the human body and where the needles go for whatever they're trying to cure you of.  At this point I was seriously doubting the legitimacy of this arts and crafts fair and Megan asked me if I'd ever been to one.  Yeah, I've been to the indoor kind with real arts and crafts.  Then we stumbled upon this. 

Feast your eyes upon the hideousness. 

The next time we're invited to a dinner party and bring the token bottle of wine I'm giving the host this lovely antler and horseshoe wine bottle holder.  Don't worry, I picked up a few for Christmas gifts.  I think I'll give my girlfriends one with a bottle of Boone's Farm 'cause I'm classy like that. 

When Obama appoints me Ambassador of Good Taste I'm having these things banned.  I'm of the belief that the only things that look good with antlers are living animals.  Call me crazy, I know.  We don't have any deer heads in our house or jackalopes or anything and I like it that way. 

The wine holder is not an art nor a craft, it is some serious ugly.

And then we went to the food tent for lunch!

Megan's way of getting me to the arts and crafts fair was the premise that we need to find new food vendors for ScrapFest! and the best way was to sample some of the local vendors that do these kinds of events.  Sounds on the level, right?  Ha.  Turns out Megan just wanted kettle corn, but she wouldn't pay $6 for it.  So, we walked around the food tent and settled on a vendor that seemed pretty suspicious to me. 

Look at all the food you can get on a stick!  We both had shrimp on a stick.  Another vendor had ribs on a stick, and as I told a bff today, that seems a little redundant.  The shrimp were good.  And my shrimp on a stick came with an eggroll and lo mein.  I know, it didn't make sense to me either, but whatev.  I love an eggroll.  They offered a soft-shell crab sandwich, but the vendor didn't understand me when I asked what was on it, so I went with the shrimp.  Moving on.

After our stick lunch, we finally found a booth worth of the arts and crafts title.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the fudge booth. 

People, this is an art and a craft.  One guy was making the fudge, stirring with the wooden paddle, another guy was spreading it on the other stone surface that's not in this pic.  Megan and I were in awe.  We decided on chocolate almond fudge.  It was still warm and so yummy.  They offered pumpkin pie fudge and some sort of white chocolate cranberry fudge, but I don't consider either of those to be fudge.  I know, I'm picky when it comes to my fudge.  It was superfantastic and I enjoyed watching the dudes make it almost as much as I enjoyed the fudge.  Almost.  The fudge dudes get the arts and crafts award!

Just for fun, here's a pic of something that although I would like to have, does not belong at an arts and crafts fair.

Why on earth would you bring your taser booth to the CHRISTMAS arts and crafts fair?  Really.  There are so many questions.  And nothing says Christmas like personal protection, am I right?  Suprisingly enough, I didn't overhear "hey, Thelma, there's the taser booth you were looking for!" when we were there.  Shocking, I know.  None of the little old ladies were lining up for tasers this morning. 

I do wish there would have been a demonstration, because that might have made me buy one.  I mean, I want to know my taser works, I need to test it out on something or someone, preferably not a friend or family member and a booth guy would do.  The last thing I need is to buy a taser and have it fail when I need to use it on, I don't know, a kiosk person in the mall.  Or a neighbor with really tacky Christmas decorations. 

Speaking of, don't forget to enter the Kerry Blog Ugly-Ass Christmas Decoration Contest.  Information is in the post below.  Y'all have a fab weekend.