justify my shrub

Dear Madonna,

WTF? 
I'm all for going green these days, but recycling the grass clippings is a little much.  As much as I try to keep up with fashion, I missed the raw-hemp issue of Elle this year.  Natural fibers are fab, but I need a Zyrtec just looking at this dress.  Seriously, my eyes are itchy and I'm looking for my inhaler. 

The grass dress doesn't look very comfortable either.  I mean, how do you sit in that?  If the dress sheds, do you get a tiny rake out of your bag?  With the belt you kinda look like a topiary.  When I was a kid we used to drive by a house that had those fancy elephant wearing a tutu topiaries on the lawn and you're kind of reminding me of that.  A Madonna topiary.  The dress is a lot of look, but can we talk about the shoes for a minute?  I'm sure they were a bazillion dollars and all, but they look like gladiator sandals with Christmas ribbon around your ankles.  And forgive me, I'm not wearing my glasses, but are those fishnets?  Oh, I get it, the fishnets are to hold the grass clippings at the end of the night. 

Now, I know some might say I'm jealous, my being a full-figured girl and you're Madonna, but that's not true.  Lord knows if I looked like you I'd be naked all the time (fo realz), but if you showed up naked to this event, people would be all "Madonna's naked, big whup."  You showed them!  You're wearing sod!  Awesome. 

On second thought, it may be a green and black shag bathmat.  The more I look at it, I'm not so sure.  And I'm worried that if you turn around the back of the dress is the matching toilet seat cover.  I don't know what sort of event you're going to, but I can only assume it's going to rock and Snoop Dogg, Cheech, and Chong will all be in attendance.  Don't worry, I'm sure it's BYOBong.  Oh, and stay away from Snoop's brownies.  The secret ingredient is neither gin, nor juice.

Rock on,
Kerry

P.S.  Xena wants her bracelets back.