new Halloween rules, a photo essay

Last night was Halloween and I didn’t dress up because I couldn’t decide whether to be a slutty nurse, slutty bar maid, slutty witch, slutty fairy, or a slutty princess.  Trust me, it was hard to not dress up.  And can we talk about something for a minute?  When did costumes get so slutty?  It seems like from when I left college until we were costume shopping after Katie was one the teen girls and women’s costumes started looking like the wardrobe from Pretty Woman 2: back to the street corner.  What happened?

So, I’m getting a cold.  Scott took the kids trick or treating while I sat on the porch (as do all my neighbors — not sure when ringing the doorbell became out of fashion) with the giant pumpkin-basket filled with candy.  The costumed kids started arriving, among them were the usual: Batman, Spiderman, Hulk, Dorothy, fairy, witch, nerd, etc.  Then came the tween punks.  This is when I started making a list of new Halloween rules.

1. If you come to my door and claim to be dressed as a skateboarder, you better be carrying or riding a skateboard.  Punk.  And a backpack is not a treat bag.
2. If your only child is in a baby carrier you cannot trick or treat.  Just by some damn candy and stay home.
3. If you are too cool to carry your own treat bag and you get your mom to carry it, you are too damn old to trick or treat.  Go home.
4. Do not criticize my candy.  Beggars can’t be choosers, kid.
5. Do not touch the giant pumpkin-basket.  Don’t make me bitch-slap you.
6. Do not ask me for directions out of my subdivision.
7. Your costume has to be recognizable on sight.  I don’t feel like guessing what you are.  One kid came to my porch with a nametag.  What is this, a freakin’ candy conference?
8. Leave your dog at home.  No one wants to see your doberman in a tutu.  Especially when it’s a non-neutered male doberman.  Ew.
9. Don’t ask me if I’m wearing a costume.  What kind of costume is black yoga pants and a pink top?  No, I’m not wearing a costume, just take the candy and get off my porch.  And no, I’m not a ghost.  I know I’m pale, but come on.
10. Teach your child to say Thank You.  No one likes a rude Power Ranger.
11. If you want to dress like a ho for Halloween, maybe you are a ho.  I’m just saying.

and finally: you’re supposed to give out CANDY for Halloween.  Just candy.  That’s it.   See below:

This is an example of what not to give for trick or treat.  Yucky candy and stuff that is not candy.  Silly glasses, puzzles, noise makers, tiny crayons, and pencils are not candy.  Save them for goody bags for your kid’s Halloween party at school.  Let’s examine candy that should be left at the grocery store.  Generic candy:  the pumpkin sucker, hard candy, peanut butter toffee stuff.  Bubble gum:  no thank you, it’s a choking hazard.  Tootsie Rolls that aren’t chocolate are an abomination.  Twizzlers: gross, although my hubs would disagree.  Nerds, Laffy Taffy, & Pixie Sticks:  pure sugar.  Gummy crap:  the person who started making gummy body parts and hot dogs needs to be shot.  That’s just wrong.  And Dots are gum drops without the sugary outside.  Gum drops are not for Halloween.  Oh, and this is just a sample.  There were many, many pencils and the like.  People, get with the program.  I’m here to help.

Let’s examine the good:

Notice it’s chocolate.  Chocolate = good.  Hershey’s Miniatures, Tootsie Rolls in chocolate – the way God intended them to be, candy bars, Milk Duds, Whoppers, and Reese’s.  Reese’s Pieces are on twice because I really like them.  And in case you’re new to Halloween candy giving: chocolate + peanut butter = tasty.

After I awake from my sugar coma I’ll be back to trying to eat right.