34 things I know

So, today I’m 34 and I thought I’d make a list of things I’ve learned after being on Earth for 34 years.  Here we go.

1. Curly-haired people should not wear bangs.

2. Don’t try to walk down stairs carrying large objects.

3. Make sure you look at the gas-thingie, if you don’t you might put diesel in your Toyota.

4. BIrds are dangerous.

5. Basset hounds are not small dogs, they are big dogs on short legs.

6. Do not drop a laptop computer.

7. Back-up important computer files.

8. The first pancake off the griddle will not turn out.

9. When in a funk, play 80’s music, it will cheer you right up.

10. When feeling down, wear fun shoes.

11. Celebrate all holidays.

12. You can’t have too many purses.  For realz.

13. Always have a stroller in the car if you have a toddler.

14. A good bra is hard to find.

15. Do not leave a child alone with a pair of scissors and a cat.

16. Downy Wrinkle Release is the best thing ever.

17. Do not take price tags off of clothes before you try them on.

18. Always have a tube of red lipstick on hand.

19. Cake = good.

20. Make sure the cap is on tight before sprinkling Cumin into chili.

21. If a bag of broccoli is practically frozen solid, don’t try banging it on the counter to break it up.

22. If you are leaving the house and think, “hmm, I should bring an umbrella,” do it.

23. Don’t gossip (but if you’re going to gossip, make sure the person you’re talking about isn’t standing behind you or walking toward you unless you’re ready for an uncomfortable confrontation, i.e. Casino Night–shout out to Kim).

24. ALWAYS have a camera on hand.  You never know when your bff might stand under a sign pointing down that says “TRASH.”

25. If possible be a redhead.  If it’s not your natural color, there’s always a salon around somewhere.

26. No one is normal.

27. If you’re in Mississippi and you see a sign for the Turkey Creek Waterpark, you may very well be travelling in the wrong direction.  If you’ve done this for 2 consecutive years, you are, in fact, a dumbass.

28. It’s okay to not be particularly good at parking.  Paralell or otherwise.

29. It is not socially acceptable to yell “I love black people” in a restaurant.  This is another shout out to Kim.

30. While watching a scary movie and someone’s going to enter a room you know they should stay out of and you yell “don’t go in there!” they will anyway.

31. It is okay to give away your “skinny” clothes.  Even if you lose weight, it’s probably going to be out of style by then.

32. Not everyone appreciates sarcasm.  But that’s their problem.

33. Spend time with people you like and people that love you.  Life’s too short to spend your time with people you can barely tolerate.

34. Laugh at yourself.  Often.  If you’re like me, you have reasons to do so.

And one to grow on — Marry someone who can laugh at themselves, too.