Fact: being uncomfortable will not kill you.

My youngest child is 17 today. The days are long, but the years are short. And the next minute, some secretary is running you over with a lawnmower.

Today is my 48th birthday. I’ve been doing this series on things I know for sure for at least ten years, but I was t to say I started it when I was 36. Anyway, here are 48 things I know for sure.

1. Big splashy movies deserve theater showings.
2. Key lime pie is the best summer dessert.
3. Sushi is the best birthday dinner.
4. Doctors who are fat-phobic should be set on fire.
5. Communicating through gifs and memes is a new art form.
6. This new flat elephant gray paint cars are sporting is absolutely terrible. It looks like one of my gray nail polishes.
7. Baz Luhrman needs to stop.
8. There is a line in Robert Frost’s “Mending Wall,” — “Something there is that doesn’t love a wall, That wants it down.” It’s about borders and boundaries. “Good fences make good neighbors.” The theme is basically, if there is no need for a fence — he cites an apple orchard bordering a neighbor’s pine field. Apple trees can’t cross the property line like cows. This is as true for people as it is for Apple orchards and cows.
9. Wasabi is not good.
10. You should sign up for all the perks on things you order online. I got a free Nothing Bundt Cake bundles for my birthday. Also ice cream from Culver’s and something free from Papa Johns that I’ll use next week.
11. There is no reason for remotely graphic sex scenes in tv or film. We understand what’s happening. If I wanted to see thrusting and nekkid people I wouldn’t have put on a show about pre-Tudors England.
12. It’s too damn hot. It was hot growing up in Louisiana in the 80s, and we were outside all damn day, but it was not this hot.
13. Dogs are weird.
14. Cats aren’t any different.
15. The pregnant woman who used the HOV lane and got a ticket needs to take that shit to the Supreme Court.
16. Someone needs to figure out how to make linen WAY less wrinkly.
17. Splenda is the superior sweeter. I don’t understand why restaurants still offer the other ones.
18. People who do fireworks before or after holidays are nutjobs.
19. Netflix is hitting it out of the park with documentaries. Girl in the Picture is so good, y’all just don’t know. It took twists and turns I did not expect in any way.
20. The Deep End on Hulu is something you should watch if you’ve been interested in new age-type things or/and cults. I enjoy cult/serial killer/crime documentaries and this was nuts.
21. IPhone games have gotten ridiculous. “Bad Granny” has you steal from Granny and she chases you down to beat you to death. What?
22. Abortion is healthcare.
23. Boundaries are healthy.
24. Chris Evans is the superior Chris.
25. Socks are for the weak. Unless you’re wearing boots.
26. If you’re going to be passive aggressive, go all out.
27. You need at least four lip balms/Chapsticks. Your makeup area Chapstick, your nightstand Chapstick, your living room Chapstick, and your car Chapstick.
28. If you’re picking a for anything, make sure you get someone else to read whatever it is. People are out there using fonts all willy nilly and they’re illegible. And stop using swishy cursive ones. No one can read your baby shower invitation.
29. Order EZ ice for your drinks at Sonic. You’ll thank me.
30. I was born at the right time in history. I couldn’t have lived without air conditioning and ceiling fans.
31. JVN Air Dry Cream is fabulous hair product. If you have curly hair, get some.
32. Bras have gotten crazy all of a sudden. Companies have sprung up all over the internet that claim to fit sizes up to G with no wires. Did Duct Tape start making bras? Because that’s the only thing that will hold up boobs that size without wires
33. I am not for everyone. And that is fine with me.
34. Letterboards are over. Stop using them.
35. No one needs anything more than a handgun for “protection” unless they’re a hunter. If they’re hunters, only guns designed for real hunting should be available. No one needs semi-automatic weapons and this bastardized interpretation of the 2nd Amendment is disgusting.
36. Bath and Bodyworks needs to bring back Heartland, my favorite perfume from high school.
37. Everything does not need to be Flaming Hot Cheeto-ified.
38. Tiana is the best Disney Princess.
39. Peanut M&M’s are the superior M&M.
40. If you’re going to frame a picture and hang it, make sure you put it right side up before you close the frame.
41. Macadamia nuts are underrated.
42. James Caan, Tony Sirico, Naomi Judd, and William Hurt have recently died. We’re about to lose a bunch of actors and musicians in the older generation. But not Keith Richards.
43. Headaches are no joke.
44. Making gumbo in the summer is dumb. Dont do it. Even if your kid asks for it for their birthday. Not naming names.
45. German chocolate cake is not German. Its called that bc the brand of chocolate used was called German in the original recope. You’re welcome.
46. People need to stop naming their kids weird things and using weird spellings. Trusten Callibyr and Faythleigh-Anne are going to be hated by everyone.
47. You have to be your own advocate for your physical and mental health. No one can do it for you. You deserve to be healthy. And if you’re a woman with choldren — you can’t be a good mother if you’re not taking care of yourself.
48. I’ll know more next year.

The English major in me died when I read the insert that came with my slippers.

The People say they’re tired a lot. I feel like I’ve been tired most of my life. Mostly because I can’t turn my brain off. And some of these:

This is the cutest thing ever.

I’m not saying it, she is.

Like my friend Thad says every year, leave milk and cookies out for Captain America.

But I’ll always have a heart for Steve.