Christmas shopping guide: idea #5 (this looks a little familiar edition)

Y'all, I don't know whether to be flattered or frightened. Perusing my favorite blogs as I do everyday, I came to Manolo for the Big Girl, which is a funny plus-sized fashion blog that I love. Today they featured an Etsy shop, Mamacitabeadworks, and their hand-cast pewter pendants — well, you know I love the accessories, so I had to check them out. If you could have seen the look on my face when I saw this gorgeous pendant:

Um, yeah. They call this the Mamacita pendant. It looks a little familiar, I can't quite put my finger on it, hmm. Seems like I saw something like that when I stepped out of the shower this morning. Oh. Wow. I'm calling it the "looks a lot like Kerry pendant." I think I'm safe to say not many of my readers have seen me nekkid (unless those pics got out on the Interwebs), but now — well, there's really no need.

I should Photoshop some clothes on Mini Kerry over there. It's funny, I don't remember posing for jewelry line. With my memory you'd think I'd remember something like that.

I'm throwing out all my mirrors now that I can see myself in pewter form. I look great! Take that, supermodels!

Really, Mamacitabeadworks has more than my pendant, their shop is pretty cool and they even have buttons. Who makes buttons? I didn't know you could just make buttons. I thought they came from the button fairy or something.

_______________________________________________________________________

Ok, it's way late to still be up, but with the OCD, I have to finish watching this documentary I started watching on synchronized swimming. I will watch a documentary on paint drying. Docs are my fave, we go way back. I should have been a documentary film maker. I'll tell you the funniest thing I've heard all day — the synchronized swimmers pratice in front of mirrors at home and that's called "land training." THEY THINK THEY ARE FREAKIN' MERMAIDS! This is so awesome. These chicks are hard core! OMG, there is one boy in the group. Dear sweet mother of Aquaman, he wants to push for men to be able to compete in the olympics in "syncho" as he calls it. More like psycho. He swam in a duet with a girl and the routine was called Adam and Eve. No lie. I am speechless. I'll tell you what this is — this is unfreakingbelievable. I've got to watch this — enough blogging for tonight I'm totally into "syncho!" Viva la syncho!

holiday pet peeves: edition 3 (I think)

I love my Christmas tree. I love that it's prelit and it does not bother me in the least that it's artificial because I'm allergic to the real ones anyway and did I mention it's prelit? Also, the real tree was always a source of contention in my house growing up. One year my dad was all DIY and flocked the the tree himself (great plan, huh?) and my mom was furious because we could not hang a single ornament on it, the thing was so plastered with flocking. Picture a large, solid-white cone-shaped tree in a small dining room in 1980 with a crying 6 year-old (me) and 4 year-old (crazy sis), a mom with frosted hair yelling at a dad about the flocked tree in the corner about the fact that the tinsel is sliding off. Oh, that was good times!

Anytinsel, I've never been big on real trees. I know, OH, THE HORROR of an artificial tree! But I don't care. I don't have to water it and vacuum up needles and hope there isn't a squirrel or chipmunk living it just waiting for the perfect time to come out, bite me and give me rabies for Christmas. Oh, chipmunks are all cute when they're singing "Christmastime is Here" and wearing little shirts on TV, but in the wild, chipmunks are deadly ninja-like creatures with a thirst for blood. I can't risk all that. So, here's lovely pic of my fake tree in all it's splendor.

Was there really a doubt that I would have pink snowflakes and colored glittery balls on my tree? Yeah, I didn't think so. My tree has all the stuff the kids have made, our Hallmark ornaments, and everything, so it's very colorful and fun. Just like a family tree should be.

But on the other end of the spectrum is something I call "that doesn't belong on a Christmas tree." For some reason in the past decade or so, people have been putting weird stuff on their trees and it's just getting more strange. You might not be aware of this yet, as these new breeds of ornamentation have been slowly introduced in department stores from coast to coast, mingling with the regular ornaments, right under our noses. Right at the top of my list are owls. Regular readers know I hate owls, they are creepcity. But really, what the hell does an owl have to do with Christmas? You ever heard of the Christmas Owl? NO! Here's what I saw at Macy's.

Okay, I'm just going to say it people. If you want owls, skunks, mushrooms, and other woodland creatures in your tree maybe you should
have left it in the dang forest. There, I said it. That's right, leave the tree in the forest. And if you have an artificial tree, it's a downright shame to put fake owls on a fake tree. On second thought, go ahead — if anyone should put fake crap on a tree it should the artificial tree owners. Did you see that? I can change my mind. It can be done. While we're
at it, go ahead and put the Pottery Barn glittery acorns
and a shiny onion on your tree. Why on earth would you put an onion on a Christmas tree? That's the stupidest thing I've seen all day. I mean I'm familiar with the song "Glass Onion" by the Beatles, but I'm pretty sure they weren't singing about Christmas decorations.

You shouldn't have onions on your tree. You know what else you shouldn't put on your tree? Things that mix Jesus and Santa. You know what I'm talking about. I've seen many a yard with a nativity right next to a giant blow-up Santa, but this ornament takes the cake. It's kit from Oriental Trading. Now, I order stuff from OT every year for vacation Bible school, so I'm familiar with their site and I knew they would have some pretty tacky stuff for Christmas, but not Santa praying next to baby Jesus in the manger.
That's just wrong. Plus, it looks like baby Jesus is giving the thumbs up to Santa, like "hey, I know I'm the baby Savior and all, but we're cool, just bring me some sweet presents. Oh, and I know I'm Jewish, but my dad, you know — God — he's down with you bringing me a tricycle or a puppy." I'm all for the "Keep Christ in Christmas" idea, but I've been in protestant church my whole life and I'm pretty sure Santa was not at the birth of Christ. And I'm not buying that maybe he was a Wise Man, 'cause they didn't come from the North Pole and they didn't travel by reindeer either.

Now, I don't want to ruin your day with this, but I have found what are — hands down — the most disturbing Christmas ornaments I have ever seen. This is a whole 'nother category of fug. It's the mythical gay biker merman. Yes. Gay. Biker. Merman. Holding a Cosmo. Let's have a moment of silence. Okay, that's better. This is on par with the Patrick Swayze centaur tattoo. You know Clay Aiken has the collection: firefighter merman, cowboy merman, Indian merman, police officer merman, construction worker merman, and army merman. I could not make this up — I'm simply just not talented enough. It's the Village People as mermen. The site doesn't say that, but come on — it's the freakin' flockin' Village People with a few more thrown in for good measure. Y'all, I don't know whether to be in awe of the evil genius that thought of this or call the funny farm and tell them someone escaped. For realz.

Don't forget to send in your pics or videos for the Kerry Blog Ugly Ass Christmas Decoration Contest. Email the tackiest lawn in your neighborhood/town to kerrybee7@yahoo.com and I'll announce the winner on Christmas Eve. It's going to be all that and a bag of gay biker mermen! Y'all are on your own for the Cosmos, there's no open bar on the Kerry blog.

tunes you need Tuesday: try a little tenderness edition

I love music with soul. There's nothing like music you can feel, that stirs something in you and one guy who did that like no one else (as far as I'm concerned) is Otis. Otis Redding is and was the best at what he did and what he did was make you feel what he was feeling and as an artist, what could be better than that?

Otis was born in Georgia and grew up in Macon, a town the hubs and I lived in for a couple of years before Molly was born. I don't know what it was about that town, but a lot of musicians came out of Macon. The Allman Brothers, Mike Mills and Bill Berry of REM, and Little Richard are also from Macon — and the kazoo was invented there in the 1840's. It's also home to Capricorn Records, which is pretty cool. And the Georgia Music Hall of Fame is there as well, if you're ever in Macon for some reason (I really can't think of why you would be unless you were attending Mercer or Wesleyan or if you have family there) you should check it out, it will be well worth your time.

Back to Otis. So, Otis said he entered the music business because of Little Richard, who was a big influence on him and wound up recording a few of the best loved songs anyone has ever recorded. Everyone knows "(Sittin' on the) Dock of the Bay" and "Try a Little Tenderness," and I'm sure everyone my age remembers the scene in Pretty in Pink with Duckie lip synching and dancing to "Tenderness." But did you know he wrote "Respect" — the song my girl Aretha ReeRee Franklin is known for? But my favorite Otis song is "I've Been Loving You to Long," followed closely by "I've Got Dreams to Remember" and "Cigarettes and Coffee." Those songs are all soul and better than nearly anything that you would hear on the radio today. I have to admit, I really don't listen to the radio because a lot of the music is annoying and over done, over mixed, and just over. I like music with passion, expression, great lyrics, great melody, and emotion and Otis has it all.

So, here's a little Otis Redding for your Tuesday, and because I obviously can't figure out how to post an audio clip, I'm pulling videos from Youtube, which isn't ideal for listening, but it's the best I can do for now. Happy Tuesday.

ugly is a four letter word: Jennifer’s entry in the Ugly Ass Christmas Decoration Contest

When I announced this contest I had no idea it would cause such a stir. Who knew from that as far away as across town Jennifer would take camcorder in hand and go in search of what may be the flockin' tackiest house I've ever seen (flockin': def a synonym of the F word to be used around the holidays. etymology: according to Jenn, her husband and bro-in-law invented the word in this manner — Christmas + tree + cursing = flockin').

Here in Jenn's own words is her description. Enjoy and don't forget to comment.

I remembered that one street over from mine was this house that
was decorated in years past, and lo and behold, like manna from heaven,
this is what I found.

Now this lot is no more than 75×125 and every inch of it is
covered in crap! Not only are there the inflatables, the Baby Jesus and
his peeps, animated Santa waving his hand, the blinding flashing
snowflakes but hark! What's that in the garage? A sheet of plexiglass
with a plethora of more crap! With music! (The music you hear in my
video is not from my car but their house! How would you like to live
next to these freaks?)

Oh and so much for being stealthy! I had already gotten some shots
and greedily circled back to get more and the homeowner walks out to
fix the gi-normous Frosty! Oops!

Editor's note: please note that the garage has been turned into a life-sized diorama. This better not get out to my neighbors or that kind of crap will be all over my subdivision and I'll be forced into a life of crime. I'll be the Robin Hood of Christmas decorations. I'll steal from the tacky and give to well, an undisclosed dumpster. Or I may set them up on friends lawns for fun. Or give them to a couple of my friends way up north in Bossier City to use for shooting practice. Anymisdemeanor, at least I wouldn't have to see them anymore.

woo-hoo! more bored people than ever!

I'm up (momentarily) getting the girls ready for school and checked the stats for the blog and woo-hoo! there were more hits yesterday than in the history of the Kerry blog! So, I just wanted to say thanks to all the bored people out there in my ever-growing readership. That would be just shy of 200, and the stats have been hovering that number for a good while now. Y'all rock. Oh, and don't be shy — leave a comment so the regulars won't feel so lonely, I'm sure Anna Bess, Jenn, Melissa, Molly, Heidi, and Beth think they're my only readers!

Christmas shopping guide: idea #5 (you know you want these edition)

I don't know if I've introduced y'all to www.coolmompicks.com or not, but you can find great sites and products you otherwise wouldn't have known about on there. Today I stumbled on www.justjenndesigns.com, which I found while perusing the misc paper products section of Cool Mom Picks.

Do you ever feel like saying what you're thinking? What you're really thinking. You know, when that Somebody asks you to volunteer (don't get me started on how the word volunteer means you aren't asked or talked into something). Anytorture, I often send notes of thanks or notes that should be of thanks, but the person I'm writing to was more of a pain than anything else. That's why I'm ordering these notes. I particularly like the one that says "punk ass." I'm thinking of someone to send that to right now and the expression on their face would just be priceless. Oh, if I had the nerve. Knowing me, I'd write the note, address it, put the stamp on it and carry it in my purse for a year.

But, I would wear these or pin them to a scrapbook bag anyway. I used to have tons of buttons on jean jackets, but now I pin them on my scrapbook bags, 'cause that's how I roll. Again, the "punk ass" one is awesome. I also love "thug life." I'm laughing my evil genius laugh right now. I think I have to have these. Totally necessary to pimp out my bags. Check out www.justjenndesigns.com for more hilarity.

nothing says holiday like a tacky contest (with a tricked-out banner)

The pressure is on, people.

Jenn sent in the first entry in the Kerry Blog Ugly-Ass Christmas Decoration Contest. And…it's a video. She went above and beyond for this stupid contest.

If I know my readers, y'all know tacky when you see it, so get the camera and seek out the tackiest yard in your neighborhood. If you need inspiration, view the videos in the left sidebar.

Enter as many times as you wish and include a description (please no addresses of the tacky house). Yea!

50 questions

I'm totally phoning it in today. Here's another question-thing b/c I'm too scattered to pick a topic. Enjoy learning stupid things about me.

1. Do you like blue cheese?     yes, it is cheese and I love cheese.
2. Have you ever smoked a cigarette?     I have tried to smoke twice in my life. I'm allergic.
3. Do you own a gun?     no, I do not.
4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?    I don't. I just like tea. And the coconut cream pie shakes without the pie crust part. Mmmmm.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointment?    yes, it's called white-coat anxiety (as opposed to my normal everyday variety).
6. What do you think of hot dogs?     I love a hotdog, but I don't want to think about what's in them (unicorns and eye of newt probably).
7. Favorite Christmas Song?    "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," duh
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?    a vat of coffee, as the hubs says.
9. Can you do push-ups?     no, I've never even owned a push-up bra.
10. What is your favorite movie?     that's hard. Pretty in Pink, Philadelphia Story, GWTW
11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?     my anniversary ring
12. Favorite hobby?     scrapbooking, writing
13. Do you work with people who idolize you?     obviously, they're bowing down and feeding me grapes as I write this.
14. Do you have ADD?     uh, yeah, have you met me? Ooo– look a puppy!
15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?     I'm trying not to hate myself, actually.
16. What’s your middle name?     Renae
17. Name three thoughts at this moment:    when is Andrew going to fall asleep, is the tea finished, wonder if SNL is new tonight
18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday:    a really cool Christmas gift for a friend's munchkin, a monogrammed water bottle for me, monogrammed bookmarks for a friend.
19. Current worry right now?     job for the hubs
21. Current hate right now?     tacky Christmas decorations
22. Favorite place to be?     home, I'm becoming a recluse! Look out, Brian Wilson!
23. How did you bring in the New Year?     watching the neighborhood fireworks extravaganza with the hubs.
24. Where would you like to go?     Ireland (County Kerry)
25. Name three people who will complete this?     no one is this flockin' bored.
26. Whose answer do you want to read the most?     see above.
27. What color shirt are you wearing?     pink ScrapFest! tee
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?     no
29. Can you whistle?     yeah, but I look funny when I whistle, so I don't do it in public. Fortunately, I don't have to often whistle in public.
30. Favorite color?    pink
31. Would you be a pirate?     um, no.
32. What songs do you sing in the shower?     I don't sing in the shower, it's usually the only quiet part of my day.
33. Favorite girl’s name?    Molly, Katie, Caroline would have been our 3rd girl.
34. Favorite boy’s name?     Andrew
35. What’s in your pocket right now?      a Kleenex
36. Last thing (Person) that made you laugh?     Jennifer and her entry in the Ugly-Ass Christmas Decor contest.
37. Best bed sheets as a child?     I can't believe this, but I do not recall my childhood bed sheets. No idea.
38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?     ok, here's where I sound like a complete moron. I broke my pinky toe in college and last year I fell in the garage and got all banged up and bloody. I'm extremely accident prone, but luckily have not been severely injured. Does a sunburn count, I've had 14 degree ones and yes, I know that number doesn't exist in normal range, but my skin is the color TRANSPARENT MILK and I burn like toast, baby.
39. What is your favorite snack?     cookies.
40. Favorite thing to do on Sundays?    nap
41. Who is your loudest friend?     I can't think of who would be the loudest — oh, Megan when she's yelling at someone, like the guy at Joe's Shoes. Oh, that was a fun day.
42. How many dogs do you have?     one, Lucy dog
43. Does someone have a crush on you?     gee, I don't know, but I hope the hubs does. Maybe I should write him a circle yes or no note.
45. What is your favorite book?       The Awakening by Kate Chopin
46. What is your favorite candy?     M & Ms
47. What is your favorite sports team?     don't have one, but I've always thought of owning my own pro all-gay football team in Miami and calling them the Pink Flamingos. We'd have the best uniforms in all the NFL and the prettiest locker room.
48. What song do you want played at your funeral?     oh, dear, how morbid. All the good funeral standards, then "The Water is Wide" is a good one and the awesome "Because I Could Not Stop for Death" by Natalie Merchant (Emily Dickinson's poem set to music — genius), and of course the last song played would have to be "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" by the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz. Oh, and I forgot "Copacabana" and "Lowrider." This question kind of rules! My funeral will effin' rock!
49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?     watching the end of the last Indiana Jones movie with the hubs.
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?     what time is it? Morris Day and the Time style.   That's my first thought every morning — "what time is it" in Morris Day's voice. How weird is that?

Goodness sakes alive, that's a lot of nonsense. We will see if I can put a string of thoughts together for a post tomorrow. It's like my brain is full of feathers and super bouncy balls today.

one word

got this from Melissa this morning and thought I'd post my answers in case I dont' get anything else up today.

One Word

TYPE ONLY 1 WORD. IT'S HARDER THAN YOU THINK!!!

1. Where is your cell phone? purse

2. Your significant other? asleep

3. hair? frizzcity

4. Your mother? Connie

5. Your father? Gary

6. Your favorite thing? iPhone

7. Your dream last night? weird

8. Your favorite drink? tea

9. Your dream/goal? thin

10. The room? kitchen

11. Your fear? alone

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? here

13. Where were you last night? home

14. What you're not? telepathic

15. Muffin? please

16. One of your wish list items? scanner

17. Where you grew up? crazytown

18. The last thing you did?? dishes

19. What are you wearing? pink

20. Your TV? Spongebob

21. Your pet? Lucy

22. Your computer? blue

23. Your life? good

24. Your mood? anxious

25. Missing someone? greatly

26. Your car? mess

27. Something you're not wearing? makeup

28. Favorite Store? Target

29. Your favorite color? pink

30. favorite holiday? Christmas

31. When is the last time you laughed? today

32. Last time you cried? Tuesday?

33. Who will/would re-post this? fools

34. Four places I go over and over? Target, church, Chick-fil-a, crazy

35. Four people who e-mail me (Regularly)? Beth, Jenn, Melissa, Scott

36. Four of my favorite foods? enchiladas, cookies, icecream, cheese

37. Four places I would rather be right now? bed, shopping, retreat, 1990

38. Four people I think will respond: Jenn, Mandy, Beth, ?

directions:

Here's what you're supposed to do…and please don't spoil the fun…is to CUT & PASTE delete my answers, type in your answers and send it to a bunch of people? including me.

Kerry's note: I just did this while I was waiting for the coffee to brew. Forgive me if the answers (however true) aren't very sharp 'cause I'm still not awake.

BTW, read on nola.com this morning that St. Tammany is getting some virtual learning thing for the schools. I laughed at that. I think my entire high school experience was virtual, 'cause my brain was someplace else most of the time. Really.

It's 11 am and I'm just now posting this. Good grief it's been a long morning. When is naptime already?

a little birdie

So, since I've switched to Typepad I've gone back and forth over the design, not loving the butterflies on the pre-made header. I'm not a butterfly person, I'm a bee person. Butterflies are lovely, nice in nature, but the black butterflies bothered me. Scott was in NOLA tonight, so I thought I'd play around with my arch enemy Photoshop and see if I could take the butterflies out — and I could (next I'll be taking my double chin out of all my photographs), but that wasn't enough. I looked at a few digi scrapbook websites and could not find a bee that wasn't cartoony, but not too realistic either. On scrapgirls.com I found a supercute bird, so I got it, made her pink polka-dotted and put her out on a limb. Then I added my text, and voila — new banner. It can be done, peeps. Hope y'all like the little birdie, she seems at home.