new banner day! and live blogging the Oscars tonight

Dear Readers,

Since I obviously have no life I made a new banner for the blog while watching the trainwrecktastic Paula Abdul with her Forever Your Girl jewelry on HSN.  Last year Jennifer and I watched the "show" on the phone together and could not believe our eyes.  We kept saying "I can't look away," and "omg" more than I've heard in my life, even more than while watching American Idol.  Well, that was until I flipped through the channels tonight — Paula is back and crazier than ever.  And I now have a new dream job (sorry, Anderson Cooper) — look out host chick, I want your job.  I think I'm just the chick to sit next to Paula and think of crazy adjectives to describe her crazy ass jewelry.  Trust me, it was crazy.  And Paula admitted to signing most of her autographs in the bathroom.   There's a phrase for that, Paula meet TMI, TMI meet Paula. 

Okay, so I made a new banner in Photoshop with elements from Shabby Princess and fonts I love.  I think I may have to get the Font Junkie shirt on Cafe Press.  That's me.  Anyway, I figured the blog was up for a makeover.  It still looked too generic for me, now it's fresh for spring.  Speaking of spring, is anyone else having the allergy mess I'm having?  Seriously, my eyes could not be more watery and it's making me crazy.  Let me know how the banner looks.  I like it (and I dig the pom pom trim).

I'll be live blogging the Oscars tonight, starting at 7 (or when I remember it's on, or maybe earlier if I remember that the red carpet part is on).  Just hit your Refresh button every so often and you'll get the latest Kerry drivel delivered right to your screen.  No purchase necessary.  Void where prohibited. 

oh, I forgot to tell y’all, I’ll be here on Oscar Sunday

Oscars

Since my lovely readers enjoyed my live blogging the Golden Globes, I'm going to live blog the Oscars on Sunday.  As usual, I don't know when it starts (wait, the time is on the poster — ok, I'm set), I haven't seen all the films nominated (what do you want from me?  I'm busy — I have 3 munchkins to take care of and I have to check Facebook at least 400 times a day), I'm not having an Oscar party (but I will have appetizers and a beverage), but I'll be here on my sofa, blogging it all for you.  I'm all about the people.  See you Sunday! 

I need this

EDIT: I forgot to tell y'all the diameter of this is around 3 feet.  I thought you should know the massiveness of this disco-ballesque sphere.

Every time I'm in Gordon's, I covet this rotating chandalier.   It's like a grown-up disco ball.  I need this

Homework is fun

Everyday Molly has 3-4 things to do for her 1st grade homework. So far this year the pictured “Unscramble the Words” has to be my fave. No, we cannot unscramble the words — we can’t make out the letters, but I’m sure one of them is a four-letter word with a Y thrown In for fun. Homework is fun

tunes you need Tuesday: The Smiths

Everyone knows I love some British post-punk.  Today we'll take a listen to Robert Smith's favorite vegetarian enemy,  Morrissey and The Smiths.  Here's a little of the Wikipedia entry on the The Smiths:

The Smiths were an English rock band formed in Manchester in 1982. Based on the songwriting partnership of Morrissey (vocals) and Johnny Marr (guitar), the band also included Andy Rourke (bass) and Mike Joyce (drums). Critics have called them one of the most important alternative rock bands to emerge from the British independent music scene of the 1980s,[1][2]
and the group has had major influence on subsequent artists.
Morrissey's lovelorn tales of alienation found an audience amongst
youth culture bored by the ubiquitous synthesizer-pop bands of the early 1980s, while Marr's complex melodies helped return guitar-based music to popularity.

If you haven't dusted off and old Smiths cd lately or have never gotten into them, let me tell you why you should.  The Smiths point of view is like no other band in any era.  You're not going to turn on any satellite radio station and hear another band with songs like "Vicar in a Tutu," "William, it Was Really Nothing," "Shoplifters of the World Unite," and "Girlfriend in a Coma."  That's a fact.  Morrissey's voice has an ethereal quality that complements his lyrics like no other singer's.  I've heard cover after cover of Smiths songs by everyone from Blur, Radiohead, Love Spit love, Jeff Buckley, Everclear, Oasis, and Mojo Nixon.  The only voice I can tolerate covering Morrissey is Natalie Merchant's, as her voice has a lovely melodic quality that is a divine match for some of Morrissey's best songs.  Here's "William, it Was Really Nothing" for you in all its ambiguous glory.

http://kerryfaler.typepad.com/files/06-william-it-was-really-nothing.m4p

Yes, he did really say "how can you stay with a fat girl who'll say 'would you like to marry me…'" Morrissey has some thing with the chubby girls — I don't know — he sings "Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others" and "You're the One For Me, Fatty."  Morrissey has been called many things, but "sweet" isn't one of them. 

Besides "Everyday is Like Sunday," my favorite Smiths/Morrissey song is "Girlfriend in a Coma."  It was the first Moz song I'd head and it stuck with me.  It's a perfect example of what The Smiths style is — interesting lyrics, lovely melody, and attitude.  What a lovely introduction to The Smiths: 

Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know – its really serious

There were times when I could
Have murdered her
(but you know, I would hate
Anything to happen to her)

Could you imagine a band writing that now?  In the 80's you could sing about your girlfriend being in a coma and that you'd contemplated killing her and it made for a catchy tune.  Same with "Shoplifters of the World Unite."  Love that song, especially Marr's guitar work on that one.  

Unfortunately there hasn't been a great "greatest hits" compilation made since The Smiths broke up in 1987, and none have been given Morrissey's or Marr's blessing, so the best way to get your Smiths fix is through iTunes.  And "greatest hits" is sort of a misnomer, because in their native UK, The Smiths didn't have a single chart higher than #10 while they were still together.  Wild.  Reissues charted higher, so who knows what a greatest hit is anymore?  I'll always love The Smiths.  There will always be room for a witty band that  doesn't care about being slick and just plays the heck out of a song.  That's good stuff.  That's why I love The Smiths. 

oh, CNN, stop flirting and just hire me

Once again, CNN is trying to out do me in the advice department.  I know, unbelievable.  There is a reason people come to the Kerry Blog, not just for news, not just for a laugh from time to time, but for news and advice they can trust.  Can you trust CNN?  Sure, I'd put my trust in a guy named Wolf, wouldn't you?  This afternoon on CNN.com I found a story on things you shouldn't share with co-workers.  Here's the opening paragraph:

Do you know what TMI is? Chances are you're either guilty of it or have
been its victim. It stands for "too much information" and it's making
daily life awkward for people across the country.

Can you really be a victim of TMI?  Can TMI kill you, break into your house and steal your valuables while you're away?  CNN, we can agree to disagree.  I've shared with you a few jobs I've held, so you know my work experience runs the gamut from Dillard's sales associate to preschool teacher to administrative assistant at a children's home.  I've been fired a lot, so I consider myself an authority on this subject.  So, the following is a 2 for 1 for your Monday.  I'm leaving the CNN numbered things you shouldn't share, but as usual, rejecting their reality and substituing my own.  Once again, the words following the colons are mine, not CNN's (got that lawyer boys?  don't sue me).

Here are 13 things you shouldn't share while on the clock:

1. Medical history: Man, I could write about this one all day.  I believe I was fired for this one a few times (I'm talking about you, MDA in an unnamed Georgia town).  The best instance is when I was fired from the Christian correspondence school for being pregnant.  I graded English essays.  Do you have any idea how much red ink I used in grading essays for a correspondence school?  A lot.  Anydropout, they fired me when I told them I couldn't drive in one morning because I was dizzy.  Jerks.  My advice, don't tell your employer your pregnant until you're at least 8 1/2 months along.  I don't care if he can see the baby kick from across the room.  I don't care if you can't reach your desk because your belly's in the way.  Sharing medical information is a bad idea.

2. Confidential work information: Yeah, that's not a good idea.  At the preschool where I worked I was up for a promotion, but this hussy told our director I didn't like the class I was supposed to be promoted to. I pity the fool who rats out a co-worker.  By the way, I didn't say I didn't like the 3 year-olds.  I like 3 year-olds. I used to be one.

3. Plans to quit: Unless you're an idiot you wouldn't tell anyone at your work that you're planning on quitting.  Don't be an idiot.  

4. Online venting sites: If you blog about your job, blog anonymously.  Don't dog out your boss on Facebook if your boss is one of your friends.  Use the common sense God gave you.  Unfortunately, some people weren't in the common sense line when God was handing sense out.  If you are one of these people, you should probably work alone.  I suggest being a Causeway toll booth operator or maybe work from home stuffing envelopes, and there is always bee-keeping. 

5. Matters of the heart: This is the issue that most annoyed me when I had a real job.  Usually I love a good love story, but not about co-workers.  I worked in Norcross, GA in an office full of individuals who were not the sharpest thumbtacks in the bulletin board and they gabbed about everything inappropriate you could imagine.  I really didn't care to hear that the geekiest dude in the office and his wife were swingers.  Ew.  Just — ew.  Once my boss came back to the office in tears after having lunch with her boyfriend.  I was nominated by my co-workers to comfort her.  She literally cried on my shoulder.  I believe I said "there, there" and patted her back.  Uncomfortable much?  True story. 

6. Politics: Do not talk politics in the office — unless someone mentions they have received their free unicorn from Obama and you have not. In that case, feel free.  And call me, I'd like to get in on that action.

7. Salary information: No one wants to hear that they make less moo-lah than you.  Don't be braggin' — that's what starts East Coast-West Coast office wars. 

8. Religion: It's not a good idea to spread your religion in the workplace.  Even if everyone in your office is going to hell. 

9. Your privileged life: Here's another true story: my co-worker from the office in Norcross showed up one day in her brand new baby blue Porche Boxster her daddy bought her day before.  No one liked her in the office after she told us about "Daddy" (I never figured out if she was talking her actual father or a sugar daddy.  Funny, I never thought to ask).

10. Therapy sessions:  Dang.  Unless you work for your therapist, it's probably a good idea to keep your visits to the shrink on the down-low.  In some circles therapy is still taboo, and you never know, they might think you're at risk for going postal at your job. 

11. The Rubik's Cube that is your personal life: Trust me when I tell you this: no one wants to hear about your 3 baby daddies, your current flame, and the child-support check you still haven't gotten because baby daddy #1 got picked up for possession, #2 was with the dealer, and #3 is getting a sex change in Amsterdam.  Keep that on the down-low for sure.  You don't want people thinking you're a Lifetime movie waiting to happen. 

12. Gossip: I'm not a big gossip, so I wouldn't know anything on this subject.  Let's just say if someone has said "don't tell anyone" then maybe you should keep it to yourself.  If they say "whatever you do, don't tell _________" then you really shouldn't go blabbing their business all over the office.  I don't care if they told you they were Barbara Streisand and George Bush's love child, don't say a word.  Don't call the newspaper, don't tell the parking lot attendant who only speaks Spanish.  He says he only speaks Spanish, but that's only so people will tell him the good gossip so he can write a telenovela when he goes back to his native country. 

13. Your Chris Rock routine: It was funny on The Office because it's a TV show.  In real life, not so much.  There is a reason you work where you work, you are not Chris Rock.  Also, not a bright idea to use that kind of language at work.  Unless you work with deaf-mutes, maybe you could get away with it.  But no, generally not a good idea to do your Chris Rock (or George Carlin) routines for your co-workers. 

CNN, I'm not waiting for the phone to ring.  I've got a good gig right here, baby.   Unless you think Anderson Cooper could use a cute redhead correspondent.  Did I say correspondent?  I meant co-anchor.  Except when he goes to the jungle and the desert  — I'll call in sick on those days.  Call me.

a Valentine story (or one reason why Kerry doesn’t drink)

Once upon a time when I was a young 19 year-old at Louisiana Tech, Scott and I had been dating for almost two months before Valentine's Day and I was looking forward to the big day with my boyfriend.  Scott had planned the whole evening — ordered great Italian take-out and had driven to Grambling to buy champagne.  For those of you unfamiliar with the town of Ruston (home of LA Tech), it was a dry town — dry, damp — I don't know, you couldn't buy booze, just beer.  And drinking definitely wasn't allowed on campus.  Oh, well.

Anyliquor, Scott turned his dorm room into romance central and I was pretty impressed.  He poured champagne into fluted glasses and we had a wonderful dinner.  He gave me a book of Shakespeare's sonnets and roses and poured more champagne, it was a great Valentine's date.  I had never had champagne and didn't have a clue that drinking a few glasses (or 5, I wasn't counting) would be so potent.  I'm not sure what Scott had planned for the rest of the evening, probably something wholesome like playing Scrabble or watching The Sound of Music, but his plans were dashed when I passed out. 

I have been inebriated twice in my life.  Valentine's Day 1994 was the first instance. 

The dorm rules required girls to be out by midnight, so Scott woke me up at 11:55 and drove me to my dorm.  Let me illustrate this for you: his dorm was on the 3rd floor and he helped me walk downstairs and put me in his Maxima, then drove me 50 YARDS to the back door of my dorm.  I was so drunk I couldn't walk 50 yards, y'all.  Sad.  I remember sitting in Scott's car and him talking me through how I would walk to the second floor of Dudley.  I don't know how long it took me to make it to my room, but I know it took me a long time to figure out how to work the lock on the door.  I don't remember what I did after opening the door. 

My roommates were gone for the weekend, which turned out to be a good thing.  I woke up the next morning feeling like crap and looking like death.  I sat up in my bed and wondered where my pajamas were because I was only wearing undies and my eyelashes were glued shut from sleeping in my eye makeup.  It was a proud moment.  I put on my robe, got my bath caddy, and took a shower, hoping to wash off some of the effects of champagne, but pear bodywash was no match for cheap champagne.  While I was washing my hair I realized I wasn't wearing my watch, which I never took off (still never take off my watch).  When I got back to my room I saw what a weird disarray it was in.  I started looking for my watch and the jewelry I had worn the night before and couldn't find either.  Eventually I started to feel a little more myself and straightened up the room, started studying, talked on the phone — but I felt naked without my watch, so I went back to the great jewelry hunt.  I found my watch, earrings, bracelet, and pearl ring in the little trash can by my desk area.  Who doesn't come in from a hot date and throw their jewelry away? 

And that is the tale of Kerry and Scott's first Valentine's Day together and my first experience with alcohol.  It's not earth-shattering, but it's mine and I think it's kind of funny. 

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.  I hope you spend today with someone you love or thinking about the one you love or something.  I'm going to take the kids out to eat, since Scott's out of town, then I may get wild and watch the Valentine's marathon on Oxygen!  Hope it doesn't get too rowdy and no one calls the cops!  xxxooo — K

what the hell Friday: things that aren’t romantic for Valentine’s day

Dear Male Readers,

As a public service, I'm giving you Valentine advice because I've spoken with your wives and girlfriends.  The word on the street is you need to tighten up on the gift-giving and "romantic" ideas this Valentine's Day.  Don't get me wrong, we (women in general) are thrilled you take the time to order flowers online, but The Kerry Blog is here to help with some advice if you have not already made Valentine's Day plans (and if you haven't made plans, seriously?  it's the 13th — Valentine's Day is the 14th every year, it's not like it can sneak up on you). 

First, let's examine what not to do tomorrow.  If you've purchased/planned any of the following, just stop — unless you're a fan of disappointed/angry women. 

  1. Petals on the bed/carpet.  For realz?  Don't sprinkle petals that we will have to clean up later and that may possibly stain the duvet or carpet.  Anything we will have to take the time to clean is not romantic, even if it is momentarily pretty.
  2. Lingerie that could be used as floss, a kite string, or a bungee cord.  Just — no, just don't.
  3. If you will be purchasing lingerie at least find out what size your wife/girlfriend wears.  I truly don't know what's worse — getting something that's too small or getting something that could be used as a car cover 'cause you think we wanna rock the granny panty lingerie. 
  4. A few words on flowers: some women like flowers, some do not.  Take 5 minutes to get your loved one's view on the subject and find out what she likes.  My hubs has figured out that I do not like red roses, I prefer pink.  The truth is, I can't stand red, I think they smell like death and that's not a good think on Valentine's Day.  Or any other day, really.  I'm not a big fan of flowers, honestly.  Unless they happen to be part of the fabric on my Valentine's present to myself — the Brighton Lilly bag.  And here's another tip on flowers from Kerry: don't be a fool and only get one rose because you think that's romantic for some reason — it just makes you look cheap.  Cheap is not good.  And tip #2 at no additional charge: don't buy one of those silk roses with the fake dew on them or any fake flowers for that matter.  Fake flowers are for headstones.  And for the love of all things good, don't get the panties rolled up and stuck on a fake rose stem pretending to be a damn rose.  There is a word for that and the word is tacky. 
  5. Forget the chocolates in the big red heart box at Walgreens and go to Godiva.  Note: Walgreens doesn't exactly scream Valentine's Day, neither does the dollar store. 
  6. No stuffed animals.  Ever.  I don't care if it's a big ass teddy bear holding a big ass diamond ring, just give the ring and forget the bear.  Adults do not need stuffed animals.  And they harbor dust mites for goodness sakes. 
  7.  Balloons are for birthday parties. 
  8. We don't want to go to a sporting event on Valentine's Day.  Do not be fooled into thinking Valentine's Day is about you, it's not.  I don't care what you've heard, this holiday was invented by women so we'd get some good pressies.  We just want to be taken to dinner, maybe a movie, a play, something nice — not the damn Monster Truck Jam at the arena or a basketball game. 
  9. Do not make dinner unless you're going to clean up the mess.  This really needs no further explanation, does it?
  10. And finally, do not buy us anything with a cord unless it was specifically asked for as a Valentine gift.  If your wife mentioned last week that she'd like a new vacuum, she doesn't mean she wants one for Valentine's Day.  And just because the Dyson vacuum comes in pink, that doesn't make it a Valentine gift. 

Hopefully you've learned something from today's lesson on the holiday.  If I hear you've taken your wife to Barnhill's Buffet for dinner and then to boat show afterward I will have no choice but to display your picture and ridicule you in Blogland.  There is just no excuse for a bad Valentine's Day.  Make me proud and get her something nice.  And I don't mean a fake Louis Vuitton either. 

xxxooo,

Kerry