The 2024 Olympics drew to a close tonight. I’ll miss it so much, but the 2028 Winter Olympics will be here before we know it!

This may be the best Olympics ever. For lots of reasons, but mainly this:

Y’all. I can’t.

Watching Olympic Breakdancing is the cringiest thing. Between Snoop “blessing” the dancing circle platform, a commentator saying “Wow, she’s a storyteller” after young Chinese woman took her turn, to the dance-off style, and the judges in all in caps and bucket hats, AND the athletes going by stage nicknames like 671 — what is even going on?

“Next is B-Girl India, from the Netherlands and it’s quite the Cinderella story—” No. Stop it, Olympic commentators.

The lowlight was the Australian b-girl (woman. She was a grown woman). Complete with the gym teacher uniform. Mute the clip and watch.

The Olympics are winding up this weekend and I’ll miss it, mostly because of silliness like this:

Y’all, the shooter on the Turkey Olympic team got off a plane, bought a t-shirt at the airport, and came to the Olympics. He’s a real life John Wick.

I found a new job: Olympic Javelin Retriever Toy Car Remote Operator

That reminds me, the new season of Unsolved Mysteries is out on Netflix. Man, that one episode was CRAZY. You know which one I’m talking about. I mean, who does it belong to? No one noticed it was missing? But then again, you wouldn’t know it was missing after the casket was closed. That’s another reason to be cremated.

I’ve wondered this forever. Why do athletes bite their Olympic medals? Do they think their medal is maybe chocolate? I think they do. I think they are hoping it’s chocolate because they’re hungry. You know they’re starving. They just performed extraordinary feats.