I am not feeling well this week. At all. Looks like it’s a good weekend to binge-watch tv. Maybe we will get through season 3 of The Sopranos. Yes, I know I’m a little late to the party.

How do you clean a cloth lampshade? Remind me to Google that.

Yesterday I counted three picture frames in my house that have no photograph in them. I’ve gotten used the the woman and baby that are in them.

I spent a portion of last night painting my nails the exact color of my skin. Not on purpose. My skin is “pale cashmere” in case anyone was interested.

So, I had never heard of the superhero Gin Genie. She generates seismic waves equal to her blood alcohol content. This is my new goal in life. Of course, I will have to start drinking more than I do now (which is zip since VSG surgery) and I will have to up my tolerance level (which is 1 1/2 drinks, maybe less now).

OMG. I Googled how to clean a cloth lampshade and there are 42 steps. Y’all, I’m crafty and lazy. This is why God invented tape. I rolled out some tape and 5 minutes later my lamp shades look brand new. I’m the Martha Stewart for lazy people. Martha Stewart THE Martha Stewart, not Martha Stewart, my dermatologist.

Why is the recorder an instrument only used in 4th grade? The Decemberists or The Lumineers need to have a recorder up on their next album. Let’s bring recorders back.

Here’s a picture  of Johnny Cash eating a cake for you weekend.

One of my favorite covers.

I’ve been telling you people this for years: owls will eat your face off. Remember, if silence were loudness, they would be the loudest silent hunters in the world. Scary stuff. I warned you.

In the summer my days run together.

I had 7 Peanut M&Ms for lunch. They were delicious. A couple were green, orange, and red which, technically, qualifies them as fruits and/or vegetables.

If you don’t say “Chaka Khan” when the barista asks your name at Starbucks, then you’re basically wasting your life.

Why is it every time I paint nails I suddenly have an itch? Then I have to find whatever the closest thing around to use as an instrument of scratchitude?

Sometimes I’m not bright. Allow me to tell you one instance of my dumbness. I ordered something online and got the FedEx shipping notification that it was coming from Some City, TW. TW – think about that for just a sec. I thought, “what state is TW?” You should know that I am not a geography wiz. TW is the abbreviation for Taiwan. Genius.

Is it weird that I’ve been referring to Kanye and Kim’s baby as Kimye for so long that it’s starting to sound like a normal name?

Is it mean that when a 20 something year-old girl came by this afternoon going door-to-door soliciting for donations for something or other all I could think was “your lisp is distracting me.” I know. I’m a horrible person. But really, I’m a horrible person for lots of reasons. Some of which I’ve said out loud.

One Saturday night I played Scrabble with the hubs. I love Scrabble. The hubs was drinking wine and tried to play “monet” as a word. He also asked me if “by” was a word. “‘By’ without an ‘e’?” is what he said. Have I told you that my husband is very smart?

I’ll be working on an update for “Shrinking Kerry” this weekend. I’ve had all kinds of doctor appointments this week (and another on Monday), so there is stuff to report. I am tired.

Usually for my birthday I post a list of Things I Know For Sure for each year I’ve been alive and kicking. This year is different. I may actually know less than 39 things. So, I’ve decided to do a list of 39 Things I’m Pretty Sure I’m Never Going to Do/Be Now That I’m 39.

1. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to be a Solid Gold Dancer.

2. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to learn the harp.

3. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to be an astronaut.

4. I’m pretty sure I am not America’s Next Top Model.

5. I’m pretty sure no one is ever going to invent a clothes-folding machine.

6. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to start smoking.

7. I’m pretty sure Rick Astley is never gonna give me up.

8. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to be taller.

9. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to have a pet unicorn/pegasus.

10. I’m pretty sure I’ll never learn to iron correctly.

11. I’m pretty sure I’ll never know what the secret 11 herbs and spices are.

12. I’m pretty sure I’m not adopted and my real parents are not Mary Poppins and Bert from Mary Poppins.

13. I’m pretty sure I am not going to be famous enough to get my own Ben and Jerry’s flavor.

14. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be queen.

15. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to learn to use my “inside voice.”

16. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be the heavyweight champion of the world.

17. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to see a leprechaun.

18. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to convert to Scientology (sorry, Travolta).

19. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to win the Kentucky Derby.

20. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be one of Tina Turner’s backup singers.

21. I’m pretty sure I’ll never know what Meatloaf was talking about when he said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that.

22. I’m pretty sure I’m not a Pepper.

23. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to understand algebra.

24. I’m pretty sure I’ll never like raw tomatoes (unless they’re in salsa).

25. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be a guest star on The Love Boat.

26. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to be a Publisher’s Clearinghouse winner.

27. I’m pretty sure I’m not what Willis was talking about.

28. I’m pretty sure I’ll never climb Mt. Everest. I don’t have the shoes for that.

29. I’m pretty sure I’m too old for professional cheerleading.

30. I’m pretty sure my face will never be carved into Mount Rushmore.

31. I’m pretty sure I am not your next American Idol.

32. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to start my own perfume line.

33. I’m pretty sure I will not be a Supreme Court Judge.

34. I’m pretty sure I will never be on COPS.

35. I’m pretty sure I will never win a gold medal in Rhythmic Gymnastics.

36. I’m pretty sure I will never be within earshot of Tom Cruise to yell “show me the money!”

37. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to swim the English Channel.

38. I’m pretty sure I won’t discover a previously unknown dinosaur and have it named after me.

39. I’m pretty sure I’ll never go blond.