So, Glee made me cry this week with the group singing "To Sir With Love," one of my favorite songs of all time. It was superfantastic.
If you didn't see it, here it is.
And because I simply adore this version with all my heart, it's Natalie Merchant and Michael Stipe.
"If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start, but I would rather give my heart" is pure poetry. That's magic, people. It doesn't happen everyday.
Stefon is currently my favorite character on SNL.
Last week 30 Rock played previews for a fake NBC show called Bitch Hunter starring Will Ferrel. This show needs to be made and I want to write for it. Seriously. NBC, call me.
http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf
Bitch Hunter w/ Will Ferrell from Will Ferrell
I've been in a bad mood for several days. It's not my fault. Really. Do you know what mantra is for a bad mood? I've shared it before and it's the title of this post. "Oh, hell to the no." Today I thought I'd share with you the history of "oh, hell to the no" as well as something very special to me. Yes, this is a Very Special Episode of The Kerry Blog.
Back in June of 2005, I had just moved into the house I live in now. I was extremely pregnant with the third child and the hubs was finishing up his job in Uzbekistan. It was a rough summer. It had been a difficult pregnancy and having the hubs gone was hard. Then lo and behold — on the Bravo network there was a silver lining.
Being Bobby Brown debuted at the end of June and cheered me up like nothing else. It got me through the end of the pregnancy and recovery from the c-section. Hell, it was there for me through Hurricane Freakin' Katrina.
I can't put my finger on exactly what it was that made the show so special for me, but it was trainwrecktastic and I couldn't look away. I set the DVR to full speed ahead and looked forward to every episode. Bobby was just so-so, the show was all Whitney "hell to the no" Houston. Whitney was priceless. Maybe drunk or high on "life," but priceless nonetheless.
Whitney was awesome for scenes like this:
Which is what you should sing any time your spouse is aggravating.
Sometimes Whitney got a little belligerent.
Yes, that's the same Whitney from The Bodyguard, people. She shows many sides in Being Bobby Brown. I'm still not sure which one I liked best. It may be the Whitney in the following video. This is Whitney and Bobby in a gift shop trying on sunglasses.
Why "Being Bobby Brown: The Musical" isn't on Broadway RIGHT THIS SECOND is the question I know you're asking yourself.
And yes, that cashier was afraid for her life. Poor thing never saw THAT coming.
screencap by fourfour
Back to "oh, hell to the no." Whitney made this her signature phrase on the show. I adopted it because it's pretty fabulous. Feel free to use it, but use it correctly and don't wear it out. A pronunciation guide can be found in the link above the videos. Don't embarrass yourself (and Whitney) by saying it wrong.
Being Bobby Brown ran for one season and produced a Christmas Special. OH, YES THEY DID. But I would have to say my favorite episode was the Mother's Day episode when Bobby foolishly agreed to keep his brother's children for the weekend. The episode spawned the Whitney quote: "it's Mother's Day, not All-Everybody Day!" Thank you for that, Whitney. I think of you every Mother's Day now. The saddest thing about Being Bobby Brown is that Whitney refused to do a second season and will not agree to have dvds released.
I can't imagine why she doesn't want this show to live on and on.
Dixie Carter passed away Saturday. She was a wonderful actress, best known for her role as Julia Sugarbaker on Designing Women. I loved Dixie and Julia. Both were strong, intelligent, outspoken southern women. Julia was never afraid to speak her mind and was a role model of mine in my adolescence. Dixie was a Republican playing a Democrat, so that shows you how talented of an actress she really was.
I've found a few favorite Julia moments for you.
This is a speech I should memorize — it would come in handy, although I'm a moderate:
Julia on crazy people:
Julia gets mad (not unlike when I get mad):
Also, once someone has seen me angry they usually say "I didn't know Kerry had that in her," as Charlene did.
Speaking of angry, here's a clip from when Bernice (the crazy person talked about from the Crazy People in the South Clip) had a talk show and Julia tried to straighten poor Bernice out. Hilarious.
Thanks for the memories, Dixie.
Grey's is a repeat tonight, kittens, so Aunt ReeRee has a story for y'all. Gather 'round.
Way back in the day, there was a nighttime soap called Knots Landing. It was the bomb. Knots Landing was a spinoff of Dallas – you know, the show about the Ewing family.
Well, Gary Ewing was J.R.'s black sheep-of-the-family alcoholic brother. He married Valene (Val) and his mom, Miss Ellie, bought them a house on a cul-de-sac in California, which became the setting for — you guessed it — Knots Landing. No apostrophe.
Knots Landing was the best. It had everything a nighttime soap could ask for — alcoholism, mobsters, lots of affairs, faked deaths, drug addiction, assassins, amnesia, kidnapping, abuse, and my favorite storyline EVER — a murder where the body was buried beneath soil where cement was going to be poured the very next day. Of course, when the cement cracked BECAUSE THERE WAS A DEAD BODY BENEATH IT — the cement had to be repoured and the body was found. TO THIS DAY, when I see a crack in cement I think, "well, it's only a matter of time before they find the body." I'm not kidding.
But my second favorite storyline concerns my boyfriend, Alec Baldwin, in which is what I believe to be the first role I recall seeing him in. He played Val's crazy evangelist brother, Joshua, for a short time on the show. For some reason, he decided he was going to throw his wife, Cathy, off of a building in front of a billboard with her name on it! Does it get better than that?! Yes, it does! His mama, Lilly Mae is there and disowns him, then he falls to his death! I saw this clip on a link from Go Fug Yourself the other day and it brought back such memories, I was in Alec Baldwin heaven. So good and so bad.
Kittens, I give you Alec Baldwin playing a southern evangelist and saying "mama." And playing Cathy is the one and only Lisa Hartman before she was Lisa Hartman Black and she totally has Rod Stewart hair.
You are welcome.
From Jimmy Fallon:
Is it just me or has Schoolhouse Rock gone gangsta?
I only watched the last quarter or so of the Super Bowl, so I missed the Dodge Charger commercial (and truth be told, I'm not much of a Charger girl anyway – I'd prefer a Shelby). But I saw it on a website tonight and thought the advertising gurus intended it to be funny, but it comes off like the voice of a wimpy passive aggressive husband.
Am I crazy or is putting underwear in the basket a normal thing? Disembodied husband voice acts like he's da bomb.
Then I saw this video, an answer to the Dodge commercial, in a female voice.
For real.
I'll be live-blogging the red carpet starting at 5 Central time (or when I remember to turn the tv on). Meetcha back here then.
4:59 – The tv is tuned to E!
5:00 – Seacrest is on the steps of the Kodak theater. Appropriate, because he's a leprechaun.
5:01 – I thought I'd let you know what I'm wearing for the red carpet. Black yoga pants by Lane Bryant, Gray v-neck t-shirt by Mossimo for Target, and gray fancy ruffled slippers by Isotoner. Fancy for the Oscars, yo.
5:04 – Avatar guy says he's wearing a monkey suit. Ryan says he was "literally living in a hammock after seeing Avatar" — he obviously doesn't know what literally means. OMG – Efron busted in on the interview. He's a cutie in a tux. I think it's time for a new hair style, Zach.
5:07 – Seacrest keeps saying "brother" like he's freaking Hulk Hogan. For the love of the WWE, stop. Oh, and he's wearing a Burberry tux, like we care.
5:08 – Jay Manuel just said revealing necklines look better on a smaller bust. I wouldn't know anything about that, Jay. He's showing the best of what people have worn this year.
5:09 – It's Anna Kendrick from Up in the Air. Light pink flowy dress. Mo'Nique stepped on Anna's dress! Oh boy. Mo'Nique said "we're nothing but kids with grown up faces." OMG. I love her. Seacrest said the buzz is she's a lock on the Oscar, she said she felt the same when she did Soul Plane. Mo'Nique is wearing royal blue. Seacrest is not asking about the gowns. Boo.
5:16 – What the hell is this commercial with cervical cancer in a perfume bottle? WTF?
5:17 – It's my nemesis, Mariah Carey. Nick Cannon says he just sits around 'til the last minute in his drawers while 1000 people get Mariah ready. Sounds like my life. Mariah just doesn't look human. She caught her bracelet on her dress. The slit in her dress is practically up to her neck.
5:20 – Mickey Rooney!
5:25 – a chick from Avatar is in a lavandar dress. Seacrest just said "brother" to the mayor of L.A. I'm going to lose it before this is over. The top of Avatar girl's dress is verrrry sparkly. I do not like. Love the bottom of her dress if it were not purple. I hate purple.
5:27 – Joel Madden and Nicole Richie are with Ryan. Joel will be DJing during the commercials or something.
5:29 – I have seen this dress in another color on someone else. It's the other woman from Up in the AIr. Do not like the dress, but love the red.
5:31 – I'm sorry if I'm disappointing by not knowing some of the actor's names, but half the time I barely know my own.
5:34- Hey, baby, how you doin', Ryan Reynolds? How cute is he? I like that he's wearing a bow tie. Seacrest just mentioned that he and RR train at the same gym. OMG. RR is going to film Green Lantern in New Orleans. I think I'm going to be spending some time in New Orleans.
5:36 – Ivan Reitman is talking about Up in the Air. Says he took an Ambien last night and played Xbox.
5:38 – James Cameron's wife/date/chick is wearing some Grecian goddess dress. She needs jewelry. Is she Suzy Amis? I think she is maybe.
5:40 – Maggie Gyllenhall and Peter Saaaarrrrsgaaaarrrrd. They won't back up and show her dress and that's annoying. Peter's head is shaved. Hope that's for a movie.
5:42 – I get Elizabeth Banks confused with someone else, so I'm not sure who she really is. She's wearing Versace and it's great.
5:43 – It's designer Tom Ford! He's wearing a boutonniere!
5:48 – Sigourney Weaver is wearing a one-shouldered red dress with a black bow around the waist. She says he's pole dancing for her next film. We have so much in common.
5:49 – Lenny Kravitz looks cool in his sunglasses. Seacrest said "brother" again.
5:51 – Tina Fey is wearing a Michael Kors one-shouldered black dress. Very basic. Says she talked to my boyfriend Alec Baldwin earlier. Hussy.
5:56 – Diane Kruger from Inglorious Basterds is wearing a very frou frou cream and black dress.
5:59 – Sandra Bullock looks interesting. I love her hair. She's wearing a champagne colored tight dress.
6:01 – Tyler Perry is talking about how he got Oprah to watch Precious and get it to the screen. He's wearing a bow tie, love that. Said Oprah had the dvd of the movie in her purse for a while before she watched it. See people, Oprah is just like us.
6:03 – Cute little Amanda Siegfried or whatever her name is has on an Aramani dress with a very pronounced bodice. Kind of weird.
6:04 – Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, and the big guy from The Blindside. McGraw said "people don't realize how good he is 'cause he's really a 5'8" white guy."
6:06 – Jake Gyllenhal is in a bow tie. He says he hung out with Jamie Foxx last night. He's chewing gum, for crying out loud. Jake says his pocket square is real. That's a good tip for my male readers, make sure your pocket square is real, do not accept fake pocket squares. How can he know about pocket squares and yet chew gum on the red carpet?
6:13 – Miley Cyrus is wearing something that looks like a bustier and tinsel. Someone please tell me why she's at the Oscars. Someone?
6:14 – What on Earth is SJP wearing? It's bizarre. She's wearing Channel and the top is made of tin foil. She was attacked by a bronzer. Matthew Broderick is adorable.
6:17 – Katherine Bigelow is NO LIE a foot taller than Seacrest. I love it.
6:19 – Where is Clooney?
6:25 – It's Matt Damon. We're getting closer to Clooney! And a bow tie. I SEE CLOONEY. He was signing autographs. Matt is going to play Liberace's "longtime companion" in the Liberace movie. Do you know how excited I am for THAT?
6:28 – Talk to me, Colin Firth. Love his voice.
6:28 – It's Queen Latifah! Now, she looks good in lavandar. One shoulder. Clooney busted in on Latifah. Talk, George. He says he voted for Jeff Bridges. How cute is he? He said Jeff is the Dude. Bye, George!
6:31 – Meryl Streep says she's in love with Sandra Bullock, just like everyone else in America. Do not like her bright white dress. I think she could go with a color. I want Queen Latifah's dress.
6:33 – When I was little I had a Barbie with the exact same dress that Jennifer Lopez is wearing. it's iridescent pink. Her elfin husband is chewing gum. What is with these people?
6:38 – Who let Keanu in?
6:39 – Woody Harrelson just kissed the girl from Precious. What? She just said "if fashion was porn, this dress is the money shot." She fist bumped Keanu. Jay Manuel is talking about her confidence. In other words "it's good that she even showed up at her size." Why couldn't he just say "she looked great!"
6:43 – Robert Downey, Jr is wearing a blue bow tie. Okay then.
6:47 – It's Gerard Butler. Hey baby, how you doin'? He's talking about Jennifer Anniston, but I'm jus
t thinking, "hey baby." Wait, come back, Gerard!
6:51 – Oh, it's Jason Bateman. Hey baby, how you doin'? So cute.
6:53 – It's the DUDE! he really needs to do something with that squirrel on his face.
6:54 – Charlize Theron let woodland creatures make her dress because woodland creatures never pay attention to the bust and took the train, brought it up, wrapped it AROUND HER BOOBS and called it a dress. She looks insane. That's the best thing I can say about it.
6:58 – Cameron Diaz is in gold. I can't stand her and I've never been able to put my finger on why. I do like her dress, maybe if her hair was another color.
6:59 – It's over, people. KBF out.
I don't know if you've heard, but there is something of a situation over at NBC. Jay Leno has a 9pm show that's getting canceled and he's taking back the helm of the Tonight Show from Conan (long live Coco), so it seems NBC has to make some quick programming decisions for after the Olympics end. That's five nights of hour-long television. Of course, they could just run Law and Order: Caddo Parish; Law and Order: Hotlanta; Law and Order: Shoplifters at Target; Law and Order: Put On Some Damn Pants, Lady Gaga; and the highly anticipated, Law and Order: Special Victims Unit: Oh, I Know You D'in't.
So, NBC, I've taken it upon myself to save your network. I have five television show ideas for you and I'm available immediately to start writing/consulting/directing/starring — you know, whatever I can do to help. Call me.
I Can't Really Remember The '80s…with Beth. You've all read about my dear friend Frugal Beth on the blog. She's great, but she gets absolutely zero '80s references and says she doesn't "remember" the '80s. I say throw her in a room with Flava Flav and Ozzy and see what happens. A big screen would show video clips and we'd hear Beth say "no, I don't remember that" and Ozzy would mumble something, then Flava Flav would go "boyeeeee" for no reason. It would be ratings gold in the 45+ market.
Kerry Gets a Houseboy will be a guaranteed hit. And don't worry, I'm pretty sure the hubs thinks I already have a houseboy lined up, so it's cool. It's a running joke here in the Faler house, but joke no more! Here's the premise: cute young prospective houseboys try out to be The Houseboy. Each week the houseboys will compete at various tasks such as laundry, dusting, cooking, grocery shopping, party planning, dishes, gardening, and helping with homework. My girlfriends and I will sit on the judging panel, sending one houseboy packing each week. The girlfriends and I will wear caftans and sit on chaise lounges sipping mimosas during judging. I may have a celebrity cougar judge each week. I'm thinking Joan Collins, Ann-Margaret, Susan Sarandon, Sharon Stone.
In the end, I get a houseboy!
Houseboy gets room and board. It's a win-win! I predict mad crazy ratings among women ages 25-95, because let's face it, this show will be basically porn for women: hot guys doing housework. How bad could that be?
And it could be re-run on Bravo or Logo a millions times a day. The gays would love my show. Kerry Gets a Houseboy = ratings gold.
Who Wants To Marry A Guy With Decent Credit? Dana does, that's who. This show will star my friend, Dana, who is single, loves shoes, good books, and cute guys. She doesn't want it all, she just wants a guy with decent credit. Each week in a Bachelor-style rose ceremony, Dana's suitors will have their credit score revealed and Dana will hand them credit cards. If their score isn't up to par, she will say, "I'm sorry, but your card has been declined" and the poor guy will hop into his Ford Festiva and ride off into the sunset. In this economy this show will be ratings gold.
Never Met A Job I Didn't Like will be a dramedy chronicling the misadventures of a cute redheaded 20something who may remind you of someone a lot like me a decade ago. Our heroine puts her best foot forward in adorable mary janes, but somehow manages to get fired from every single job she lands (she quits a few along the way too). She does everything from teach pre-school, work lots of retail, tutor high school kids, take orders for concrete, works for a non-profit, writes a textbook for a correspondence school, and dresses mannequins in a department store. You name it, she's done it — and been fired from it. There are lots of zany bosses, co-workers, and of course her understanding husband who just knows when she wants to answer the classified ad to be the mall Easter Bunny, she's gone a little too far. In this economy this show will be ratings gold.
I Want To Give Andrew McCarthy A TV Show will be a show in which I give Andrew McCarthy a TV show.
Just because I want to see him on my TV every week. That's it. No more guest spots on shows. He needs his own show. Make him a doctor – he's done that, he's been a good TV doctor! Make him lawyer, a writer, a professional bowler — I don't care, just give him a show. I would watch him read the newspaper. It's taken me all night to blog this just because his photo is right there. Look at boyfriend's eyes over there. He needs a TV show. Come on, NBC, you cancelled that Lipstick Jungle show he was in — I say bring his character back and make it The Andrew McCarthy Show. Trust me, there are plenty of other 30something women who have been in love with him since 1986 — this show will be ratings gold!
There you go, NBC. I've done all I can do. I'm only one woman, but I'm doing what I can to help save your network. My show ideas are out there, call me, we'll talk. I don't have an agent, so just have your people call, um, me.
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