I have bronchitis. Bronchitis pretty much forces me to take to the sofa or my bed to watch tv and talk to friends on Facebook. Last night I was up coughing, watching Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and while watching the clip I'm posting below, I started a laughing/coughing fit that made me reach for my inhaler.
The guy who says "I don't want to see that either" is priceless and man, I wish I would have hung out with Drunk George Bush back in the day. Can you imagine?
My SNL favorite, Stefon, was back on Weekend Update this past Saturday. Here is his advice if you're going to NYC this fall.
"Look over there in the corner — is that Mick Jagger? No, it's a fat kid on a Slip 'n Slide. His knees look like biscuits and he's ready to party" is going to be my new way to distract people in conversation. Love the Stefon.
If you've been reading the Kerry Blog for awhile, you know I love the Mr. T. I love the Mr. T even more when he appears on television shows you would NEVER expect him to be a guest on. For instance, "Taking Stock" on the Bloomburg channel. Yes, it's a show about stocks and investments, so naturally, they would have Mr. T on for a segment on gold.
Oh, yes the did.
I will now be using Gold Promise for my retirement plan.
And now, the promo for TLC's new show "Sarah Palin's Alaska."
Yes, she really said “I’d rather be doing this than in some stuffy old political office. I’d rather be out here bein’ free.”
Full disclosure: I've never been president or vice president, so I can't be absolutely positive, but I believe there is a great deal of office stuff involved. Good thing she and McCain weren't elected — it totally would have cramped her style, man.
There are some things in the world that just aren't right. I have said "that's just not right" about things for years, but today takes the cake. I'm not talking about Congress thinking they're going to pass 20 bills in the next six weeks. I'm not talking about Kim Jong Il promoting his son. I'm not talking about Rahm Emanuel leaving the White House to run for mayor in Chicago. No, people, this is a whole lotta crazy.
I fired up the interwebs this morning and have my coffee, as I usually do at the crack of nine and read the news on CNN.com. I enjoy the CNN for news as well as my Anderson Cooper. But not today.
On the top half of the front page is the news that Snooki, of The Jersey Shore, has struck a deal with a major publisher to write a novel. This just isn't right. This young lady is famous for being punched on television and for being orange. I do not know Snooki. I don't know if she has a passion for writing or if she has a flair for storytelling and a love of language. I don't know if she loves the works of Shakespeare or spends her nights re-reading Jane Austen. I only know that she somehow got a book deal. For a novel. With words.
Later in the day, I checked CNN again and saw that NBC is making a remake of The Munsters. You know, the show where the family just happens to be monsters? Yeah. This just isn't right. NBC, did you not read my post full of original show ideas here on The Kerry Blog in the spring? Who Wants to Marry a Guy with Decent Credit, Kerry Gets a Houseboy, I Want to Give Andrew McCarthy a TV Show — any of these ring a bell? NBC, I give and give and what do you do? You give the green light to a remake of a show no one needed in the first place. I simply cannot take it.
This afternoon, again, on the top half of the front page of CNN.com is the headline: Bolton Wants 'DWTS' Apology. Michael Bolton of mullet fame is apparently on Dancing with the Stars this season. I do not watch this particular program. I think they use the term "stars" loosely, as Bristol Palin and Snooki's buddy from The Jersey Shore are currently on the show. Michael Bolton was recently told by a judge on the show that his was the worst performance ever in the history of the world of DWTS. Now he wants an apology. Seriously? This just isn't right. Michael, I want an apology for having to look at your hair back in the day on VH1 every other hour. These judges say things for ratings. Have you not seen a reality show competition before? Did your agent not tell you what you were getting into? Did you have any backstage conversations with Sarah Palin?
Finally, I read that Congress voted that commercials on TV are too loud. Thank baby Jesus something is finally going to be done about this. I could not spend one more day with commercials as loud as they are and the thought of bringing my children up in a world with loud commercials is appalling. Talk about something that just isn't right! We have the right to play Words with Friends on our iPhones in peace during commercials without being disturbed by the Fushigi Magic Gravity Ball or the Shake Weight. This is America, not some third world country.
I'll leave you with one more thing that isn't right.
I have no words.
When I was a little girl I loved watching the Miss Universe pageant for the beginning portion where the contestants would come out in costumes of their nations. Miss France might have a skirt that looked like the flag and a top made of brioche, Miss USA would be dressed as the Statue of Liberty, Miss Australia would have a koala attached to her back. It was spectacular.
Not only is the Miss Universe pageant still going on (despite never having contestants from other planets), I believe the costumes are even better. The actual pageant is on the 23rd, but many of the contestants posed this week in their national costumes at the Mandalay Bay Resort in Vegas so we could have a little fabulous on our computer screens.
Let's go to the photos.
I've never been one for tennis, but I think it would be hard to play in that train and those shoes. Just sayin'.
Miss Kosovo, you have a little something on your…um, never mind.
"In Peru we know how to do the party. AMIRITE? AMIRITE? I got the lampshade on my head and I wear the tablecloths. Ha ha ha. I stole your collectable plate and glued it to my belt. Ha ha ha. I make with the practical jokes too!"
Miss Honduras is a rare breed of tiger peacock. She is to be feared.
The award for most ruffles while wearing polka dots goes to Miss Spain.
No one's hugging Miss Venezuela/Edwina Scissorarms tonight.
Miss Switzerland will cut a bitch.
Miss Panama was attacked by every animal in her country. There will be a telethon hosted by George Clooney. Stay tuned for details.
I loaned Miss USA my Super Cougar costume. I wear boots with it, not stripper sandals. Tacky.
"Suck it, Miss USA! We have wings in Albania too! Devil wings."
"Stupid bitches in costumes."
photos from gettyimages
I watch Food Network at night when there is nothing on tv, mainly for background noise because I'm usually online anyway and not paying attention to whatever is on the television. I enjoy the Food Network. It's kind of humorous. I love Iron Chef America for that reason. It is a spinoff of Iron Chef, the amazing Japanese show, but of course it has been Americanized. The Chairman runs the show and is supposed to be the nephew of the Japanese chairman, but I'm pretty sure he's an actor because COME ON. Supposedly the Chairman assembled the American Iron Chefs and holds these fantastic tournaments of cooking skill with secret ingredients. It's the secret ingredients that are the real star of the show. Someone put a video together of the Chairman announcing all the secret ingredients and I must say — it's loltastic.
Wait for "cheddar cheese" and "beer."
Do you watch The Rachel Zoe Project on Bravo? The season premier is like literally on tonight. That show is bananas. To celebrate the premier, Jezebel.com made a compilation of all the times Rachel has said "literally."
It's bananas.
http://www.viddler.com/simple_on_site/8aa8a614
I told you it was bananas. Promise me right now if you use the word "literally" that you will stop right now.
Curb Your Enthusiasm has been my favorite television show for a good while now. If you haven't seen it, you should. Most everything on the show happens as a result of some misunderstanding between Larry David and another character or because of Larry's big mouth, saying something he shouldn't have. You don't know how much I identify with Larry.
This is my favorite clip from the show, in which Larry had to change a flat tire himself because his wife canceled Triple A and guest stars Wanda Sikes, who in the episode Larry tells, "I'd know that tush anywhere."
"What's that shit all over you? What you've been doing – scrounging around looking for assess? All under bleaches and shit – WHERE'S THE ASS?" I'm going to try my best to work that into a conversation this weekend.
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