long tall salliemae.com

I wasn’t going to really post today, but I just finished dealing with my student loan online (you know, the one I have from college, but the degree wasn’t included — always read the fine print, a little tip from me to you, dear readers) and I couldn’t get this out of my head.

Okay, so Scott asked me what we owe on my loan, I said I’d check. That started the whole thing. A simple question turned into an afternoon of Sallie Mae annoying the hell out of me. By the way, what is it with loan companies names? Sallie Mae, Fannie Mae, Freddy Mac? It’s weird. Anymae, I tried to log onto the site and I put in all the log-in names I could think of, but struck out each time. I went with Plan B, where they email you your log-in name, well, that didn’t work either. They have an email address for me I haven’t had for almost a decade. People change email addresses, but Sallie Mae makes you re-register if you’ve changed your email address and can’t remember your log-in name because you’ve been paying them like a good citizen all these years and hadn’t needed to go to their website and don’t have a statement handy to get your account number.

The re-registration process was painful. I picked my user name, filled in all the stuff and they tell me my user name is in use, well no freakin’ s**t, Sallie Mae! It’s in use because it’s still me and you won’t let me log-in! I’ve used the same user name for everything for the past 11 or so years, so there you go. I picked another user name and proceeded on to the weirdest thing I’ve encountered in an online registration. It wanted me to pick 5 security questions. Five. I think it’s easier to get into the Pentagon’s site. Damn. I have 3 kids — I can’t think of five answers and this isn’t freaking Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Here’s the questions I had to choose from, the for-real questions. Guess which ones I chose.

What is the name of your last school attended? Don’t you have that? It’s the one I have the damn loan for.

What is the last name of your favorite grade-school teacher? Mr. Hayes. He was cute and that’s the reason I never paid attention during math.

What is the name of your favorite band or musician? The greatest band in the world, Morris Day and the mother effin’ Time!

What is the name of your favorite book author? Book author? Really? Dr. Seuss.

What is the name of your favorite relative as a child? What kind of question is that? What if I was an orphan? I’m not, but let’s say I was. What if I was raised by mountain lions. Or ninjas.

What is your greatest fear? Way to bring down the mood, Sallie. Owls. Everybody knows they’re creep city. Oh, and those Furby toys, those freak me out, too, ’cause they look like owls. Oh, and Dick Cheney.

What is the street your favorite residence is on (no abbreviations e.g. East versus E.)? What? Weird question, but an easy one. Elvis Presley Blvd. Boulevard, excuse me.

What is your favorite vacation spot? Anywhere Scott and I can get away without the munchkins. But not Canada.

What is the name of your best friend from childhood? Define childhood. Elementary school, middle, high school? You’re not going to call them are you? Is this for a character reference?

What is the make and model of your first car? Barbie Corvette, jealous?

What was your first job? Define job.

What is the name of the first grade school you attended? What’s with the obsession with my childhood? Are you my psychiatrist? I’ve moved on, so should you. Thanks to doctors, medications, and Ben & Jerry I’m doing fine, now, really. Thanks for your concern.

What is the name of your first pet? Again with the childhood questions? Why bring up bad memories? My first dog was named Shine and she ran away or at least that’s what my liar, liar, liar pants on fire parents told me. Then I found out they gave her away. And Sam my Cocker Spaniel didn’t go to live on a doggie farm, either! Great, now I’m upset.

What is your mother’s maiden name? Is she paying my loan off? Then I don’t think you need that information. Fine, it’s Liesaboutpets — it’s an Indian name.

I feel better now. I don’t know why Sallie Mae’s “security” questions were so hostile. All I wanted was to find out what my loan balance was and now I can’t get owls and my deceased pets out of my mind.

why anxiety medication exists

Apparently today is old dude and screaming baby day at the Covington Walmart. Oh, you didn’t get the memo either? I never go to Walmart anymore for this reason. Because I’m a genius, I thought I’d go to Walmart for groceries and Halloween candy, and of course, to help others.

I don’t know what it is about my adorable face that says “fount of knowledge,” but I’m going to make a name tag for myself that says “chief information officer” for when I’m out and about. I was walking on an outside aisle when an old dude practically jumped out in front of me to ask my opinion on which iron he should buy. Now, I don’t commonly walk around with my small appliance guide of Consumer Reports, but I did my best. Old dude didn’t want to spend a lot of money, but he wanted a lot of features on his iron for some reason. I guess he likes to iron, we didn’t get into his life history. Since they didn’t have any Rowenta irons, I told him he would be fine with a Black and Decker model. He thanked me, I went on my not-so-merry way to office supplies, to find there still weren’t any new colors of the new Sharpie pen. I’m a pen horder and I love the new Sharpie pen, so what? In the middle of office supplies I encountered screaming baby #1. Made my way to women’s clothes to look for a Halloween t-shirt, couldn’t find one I liked, so I went to find oven cleaner. Screaming baby #2. I’m almost embarrassed to admit it, but I’ve never cleaned an oven, so I didn’t know what to buy. I bought Easy-Off Fume Free, since I’m prone to migraines sometimes triggered by scents. Anyodor, picked up some Mr. Clean Magic Erasers and focused on groceries.

In the milk section there was mom and her screaming toddler who wanted chocolate milk. For a minute I thought of opening some and giving it to the boy. I decided against it and put skim milk in my cart. I made it through a few more aisles without having to talk to anyone, then in the cereal aisle Mr. Old Dude #2 found me. His wife sent him for oats and he didn’t know what to get, he was thinking oatmeal , I told him she probably just meant Quaker Oats if she didn’t say oatmeal. Ladies, I learned many moons ago that you have to be super specific when you send your husband to the grocery store. If you’re not specific, they will bring home beer and wine when you ask them to get drinks when you were thinking juice boxes and Coke. Anyalcohol, I started to look for the new Honey Bunches of Oats: Just Bunches, ’cause this girl loves some Honey Bunches of Oats and the prospect of a box of Just Bunches gives me a thrill like when Oprah announces to her audience that she’s giving them all new cars. I’m telling you, I’m a geek and it takes so little for me to be excited. There were no Just Bunches to be found. It was at that time I realized it’s probably not a good idea to say “oh hell no, where are the Honey Bunches of Oats-Just Bunches? Damn communist store!” in front of a Walmart employee. They look at you kinda weird after that. I had one of my “did I say that outloud” moments. I’m used to it, whatev.

While hunting for the right bunch of bananas (not too green, not too big that the kids won’t finish the banana,) I heard the best old dude dialogue ever. Old dude yells across the produce section to his wife, “are we good on sweet puhtadas?” She nods. “How ’bout snap beans?” She nods. “Regular puhtadas?” Wife was starting to get annoyed, I could see it. This guy was yelling. I remembered I hadn’t taken my medicine before I took Andrew to MDO. I decided I needed to get out of there before I had an anxiety attack. I didn’t even bring up the group of Latino men in the lingerie section or the Elvis impersonator-looking guy I saw walking around with a pumpkin. He wasn’t in costume, just looked like the King. A lot. With a giant pumpkin.

Of course I couldn’t get out of Walmart without something weird happening at the checkout. The cashier is bagging all my Halloween candy and asked if we have a lot of trick-or-treaters in my neighborhood and instead of saying, “no, I’m just hungry,” I said yes. Told her some of it’s for the fall festival at the girls’ school, too. There is a screaming baby at the next register. She tells me her daughter is having a fall festival, too, when weird dude behind me chimes in about how he’s retired from making babies! Oh, hell no moment #2. This guy is not telling me about his vasectomy, oh wait, yes he is. Did I ask for this info? NO. He’s telling me that after 4 kids, he got snipped and that was the end of “that train and now it’s better than ever.” Oh, yeah, he said that.

This kind of crap only happens to me. I’m serious. I swear I’m not going back to Walmart. And I mean it this time.

forget the dog, sign me up

I love my friends. I love them even more when they call and tell me a website I have to visit and laugh at.

Interwebs friends, I give you the pet lodge and day spa of your dog’s dreams. Willows Oak in Madisonville. A friend of mine is looking for a kennel for her doggies while the family is on vacation, but I don’t think this is what she’s looking for.

If you only want the best for your pooch maybe you’d like her to stay in the Deluxe Cabana with a TV:

“Our Cabanas consist of 6’X5′ of living space in an indoor climate controlled area. Your Pet can enjoy a variety of Disney Movies played throughout the day and enjoy the privacy of their personal cabana living space. Our TV’s help in providing a truly home-like enviroment.”

I’m pretty sure that’s the fake ficus I threw out when we moved into our house. Guess doggies don’t mind if it’s fake. And really, a flat panel tv? Really? You think they play Aristocats, Lady & the Tramp, 101 Dalmations, & All Dogs Go to Heaven? My dog only enjoys Disney movies, don’t show her any Dreamworks flicks or she may bite. She’s an animation connoisseur.

Let’s move on. What if you have a cat, what does the spa offer our kitty friends?

“Cats can also enjoy additional 20 min personalized playtime sessions which
includes a kitty tower, dome tent, zanie toys and furry toy mice. Or your cat
may prefer to be cuddled, brushed or massaged.”

It’s $4 extra for the extra 20 minutes of playtime. I’m so in the wrong business.

The spa is what is the selling point of this place.

“Teeth Brushing: Does your pet have less than appealing breath? This service
is not an alternative to a dental performed by a trained veterinarian, but
regular teeth brushing can aid in reducing tartar and unappealing bad breath.
$7.00″ No, I just give my dog Altoids and Orbit gum.

“Massage: Pet massage has been shown to improve health, enhance bonding and
provide pure enjoyment for your pet. This relaxing and therapeutic session
consists of a 20 minute massage therapy session in a relaxing environment.$7.00 per session” Here’s my question: how the hell would you really know if your dog had a massage? It’s not like they’re going to tell you. Do dogs even like massage? I don’t know.

“Pet Aromatherapy: Our aromatherapy sessions offer natural pet care
aromatherapy blends combined for your dog using high quality essential oils &
infusions.” Oh, hell no. My dog likes to sniff other dog’s derrieres. Do you really think she cares about aromatherapy? Do they have Scent of Dachshund Butt as an option?

“We offer 4 essential oil blends:

Relax Time: A calming blend of aromatic oils designed to ease doggie
anxieties & hyperactivity.

Refresh: An aromatherapy blend designed to refresh & invigorate your
pet.

Skin Soother: A soothing combination which eases inflamed, itchy skin.

Arthritis Relief: A formula blended to ease doggie arthritis & achy bones.”

They don’t offer any blend my dog would appreciate. Fortunately, I am here to help with Lucy’s future essential oil blends for the LRP: less refined pooch. Maybe your dog would relax to the scent of Dog Booty, Smelly Garbage, Kitty’s Litter Box, Diaper Pail, Toilet Water (actual toilet water, not the fancy stuff from the perfume counter), and Lucy’s favorite, Face of 3 Year-Old Boy. Those are all scents endorsed by my own Lucy the basset hound (actual dog experience may vary).

I could go on, but it’s time for Lucy to watch the Pink Panther, she likes the high-brow old-school animation the Boomerang channel has to offer. I also have to paint her nails and cook her filet mignon and lobster tail for dinner.

Who thought this was a good idea?

I’m all for helping out charities, but I have no idea why someone thought this was a good idea.

When I think of clowns, the word naked never comes to mind. Like really never. So, in an effort to creep-out the people of the world who weren’t previously creeped-out by clowns, the Naked Clowns Calendar. Here’s Mr. October.

Keep your hands where I can see them, buddy. Don’t even think of pulling anything out of that hat. For realz. Ew.

The calendar’s proceeds go to fight MS. I can think of a hundred other ways to raise money off the top of my head that don’t involve nekkid clowns. Yes, I said nekkid. That’s nothin’ but nasty. And what’s with that devilish look on Mr. October’s face. Don’t tell me it’s makeup! He’s up to something, I can tell.

I’m not a fan of nude people calendars or nude people in general. I shower in a swimsuit. For Bozo’s sake, why clowns? Firefighters, maybe. Doctors, well, I could see that. Well, not any of mine, but other doctors — whatev. Secret agents, heck yeah. Plumbers, no. CPAs, no. Comic-book authors, no. Clowns, good Lord, no.

I can’t go on, my retinas are burning from nekkid clowns. I saw more than one pic. One was hairy with tattoo. Ew.

No, not really, Blondie.

So, for the past past 3 years at the bus-stop in the morning I’ve seen a woman, probably in her mid-40’s, in a black 4 Runner with spiky blonde hair pass us and go around the corner. At 6:45 in the morning everyday this woman has passed me, waved, gone on her merry way as we wait for the bus. No big.

Last Friday we were waiting for the bus as usual when something out of the norm happened. Blondie in the 4 Runner comes practically flying down the street, music blaring. There usually isn’t music. As she approached I notice the song — “Fight For Your Right (to Party)” by the Beastie Boys.

Now, if you’re in your 40’s I don’t think you have to fight for your right to party anymore. I believe you can just party whenever you feel like it, pretty much. Maybe you can’t party just anywhere anytime, but certainly you have the right to do so. No one would stop you. I’m not much of a partier, never have been. A lot of the time I’m not sure I even like people. And I hate owls, they’re just creepy. Anypoodle, never have I said to myself, “Self, I wish I could party tonight, but thanks to our society I’ll have to fight for my right to party.” Never happened.

Tonight I’m going to have a private party. Sorry you didn’t get the invite, I didn’t send any. I’m going to put the kids to bed, then I’ll be partying with my remote watching the season premier of Boston Legal with a glass of tea and if I get crazy, maybe I’ll have a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles and I might even drink the milk. Yeah, I know, it might get wild, that’s just to get the night started, baby. After the Cocoa Pebbles I’ll probably get on Facebook, challenge Mandy to a game of Scramble, and after that while I’m hopped up on sugar I’ll answer my emails and set the kids’ clothes out for school tomorrow. Maybe I’ll even order Molly and Katie’s raincoats from Landsend.com! Hey, I warned you it might get wild up in here.

Thank goodness our forefathers, the Beastie Boys, fought for our right to party, so we can party freely today.

Oh, how I loathe you, school fundraiser

I really can’t stand the school fundraiser. Yes, I think giving money to the school is fantastic. Yes, we should support the public schools, but do we really have to beg our friends and relatives to buy junk out of a catlog they really don’t need? No. Can we think of a better way to raise money for the schools? I like the whole rounding up to the nearest dollar Pet Smart and other stores do for different charities and Target gives to the school you select, so I know we can do better.

Here are some of the items in the catalog I will be sending to friends and family this Christmas we have to choose from :

I give you the beach chair votive holder. I guess if you got a horribly bad sunburn on your last beach vacay, you may want to remember it by having this lovely burning reminder of your trip. If it wasn’t such a great beach vacay due to family members, get this votive as a reminder of what a pain in the ass they were.

Next is a product perfect for the outdoorsman out there who may be watching his waistline. It’s the bear claw salad forks. I’m picturing a big-game hunter, just in from a big day (or night) in the woods, kicks off his boots, pulls a couple of burrs out of his beard and is hungry. He goes to the fridge, reaches past the leftover lasagna, past the Popeye’s spicy, and grabs the micro-greens salad he picked up at Whole Foods. He sprinkles on some fresh blueberries, walnuts, squeezes on some lemon juice and some EVOO, adds a little freshly ground pepper and sea salt and busts out the bear claw salad forks to toss the salad. Has a glass of boxed wine, turns on the tv to catch a cable presentation of Pride and Prejudice. Ain’t nothin’ like watching Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy after putting a cap in Bambi’s mom’s ass.

I know, you’re thinking “ReeRee, I’ve got salad forks. You know what I could use? Something to help me in the mornings; I never have time for breakfast.” Well, I’ve got you covered as usual on the Kerry blog! If you’re a good boy or girl this year, maybe Santa Kerry will put a cereal-on-the-go in your stocking.

I skip breakfast almost everyday. Never have I been on the way out the door to take Andrew to MDO and thought, “if only I had a way to transport my Honey Bunches of Oats without it getting soggy in milk!” Ok, so I’ve never thought that, but now I can have my cereal in car line, complete with a spoon. Now that’s an invention. Kind of reminds me of the McDLT.

Reading is one of my passions and I’ll read anything, books, cereal box, instruction manual, encyclopedias, but I really love magazines. At one time I believe I had 7 magazine subscriptions and presently I get 2 for free and I don’t know why — for realz. Anywhoodle, never even at the doctor’s office have I seen magazines like my girls’ school fundraiser is offering. Never at the OBGYN or the dentist’s office, or even the questionable nail salon, for crying outloud!

Love dogs? Here’s BARK! I’m not sure if this is for the owner or the dog. That dog at the top looks a little too happy, I’m pretty sure it’s a puppet. OMG, I just noticed it says “dog is my co-pilot” underneath the masthead. Holy mother of Dog! OK, this is just ridiculous.

Now, I’m not as up on American History as my husband due to various reasons. I once had a professor who passed out drunk in American History 101, so you can’t exactly blame me for my ignorance. I’m no Civil War buff, but I have watched a lot of the History Channel and I believe the war between the states is over, so I was puzzled when I saw this magazine.

Really? Don’t you just buy books to read about the Civil War? I think I’m getting Scott this for Chrismas.

Southern Living is one of the mags I get for free. Again, not sure why I get it for free, guess I’m so southern and alive they just have to give it to me. When I went to the fundraiser catalog’s website I was blown away at how many different regions have their own magazine. There’s LA, New York, the northeast, Dallas, Atlanta — I understood all those. Makes sense. I know when we lived in Duluth I picked up the Atlanta magazine more than once, but I never saw this one at the newstand.

Yep, it’s Trailer Life. And if you’re wondering if you’re on my Christmas list, well, don’t be surprised to see this in your mailbox along with Cat Fancy, Timber Home LIving, Truckin, Urban Climber, Teen Strings, Coin World, and Gun Dog. There’s also Garden & Gun, you know for the gardening hunter or gangsta who likes keepin’ his crib lookin’ mean ‘n green. I bet a certain VP candidate gets Garden & Gun!

Spaghetti cat

I saw this on “the Soup” on E last week and had to post it. I’m a regular watcher of the show and thought this was a particularly primo clip.

I’ve never heard of the show the clip is from, but apparently the spaghetti cat is the new “bleep” when a guest says something politically incorrect. The woman in the clip said “retarded.” I think there’s nothing more retarded than showing a pic of a cat eating spaghetti and not explaining it. If I would have seen that live, I would have thought I was seeing things. For realz.

Spaghetti cat is my new hero.

For more craziness, watch this clip of a crazy cat lady. She taught her cat to eat with fork and chopsticks. Somebody call PETA. Seriously, this is disturbing.

Did you get the heebie jeebies? When she said the cat wants to have a meal with Oprah, I nearly spit coffee all over my screen.

Tunes You Need Tuesday Outrage

It’s too bad Johnnie Cochran isn’t around anymore to say “this is an outrage!” Somebody get Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson on the phone, the ACLU, somebody.

I was going to write about the John Lennon tunes you need today, because Lennon’s killer was denied parole again today. Wonder why? Listen, buddy, you ain’t going nowhere, you killed a Beatle. Anyway, I was going to do Lennon tunes, but I read a story on CNN.com that struck a chord and the plan changed.

Did you watch the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics from Beijing? Did you see the little Chinese girl that sang “Ode to the Motherland” as the Chinese flag was brought into the stadium. Yeah, she was lip-synching to another little girl’s voice. The other little girl is named Yang Peiyi and the Chinese Olympic officials didn’t feel she was pretty enough to be the star of the show. Insert outrage here.

Here’s the little girl we saw. Cute little pig-tailed girl. Cute, but apparently she can’t sing. Chinese newspapers are reported as saying she would have a future in music, the tiny singer won the heart of the nation, on and on.
But they pulled a switchero on us.

Here’s the little girl we didn’t see. She’s cute. Her permenant teeth are coming in, like my daughter Molly’s. Who’s to say she’s not as pretty as the other girl? She’s a pretty little girl.

Angelina Jolie or Madonna are going to hear of this and try to go adopt her. Just wait.

It makes me sick that in the Olympics of all places, it’s still about how pretty you are. It’s the Olympics for goodness sakes, not Miss Universe! Don’t get me started on pageants. I might start writing in all caps if I get on that subject. And hasn’t American Idol taught us that it’s not about what you look like if you’re a singer? I’m talking to you, Clay Aiken. You can wear all the foundation you want, color your hair, and wear contacts, but I remember your audition, Clay. Let’s have a before and after, while I’m on the subject.

I love a good geek makeover.

Back to the Olympics girl. I can’t imagine what kind of emotional scarring this little girl is going to grow up with. I thought I had issues, but my country never told me I wasn’t pretty enough for something. Stupid China. That’s rejection on the biggest scale, isn’t it? And I thought getting turned down for the Sadie Hawkins dance was bad. Dayuuum. Like I’ve said in a previous post, I was always the cute girl, never the pretty girl. If I would have had anti-anxiety meds in high school my teenage years would have been a lot less stressful. College and therapy make a big difference, I’m telling you. Here I go to call in refills to the Target pharmacy. Be good.

Ladies, he’s single… (video’s back up)

edit: got the video back! Don’t know why You Tube took it down.

This video goes out to all the single ladies, particularly if your name is Janice. It’s a video dating ad and is not to be watched in front of your boss or kids. I was in tears laughing — an actual LOL.

Name: Randy

Likes: Abilene, beer, Janice, kids

Dislikes: fat chicks

Skills: dancing

You’re welcome.

Are you there God? It’s me, Kerry

Almost every morning I check email, look at Facebook, and read news from everywhere while the kids are having breakfast and I’m having my two cups of coffee. I’m news junkie, have been since I was in middle school. I’m a geek, I know. I’m a big documentary fan, love PBS Fontline, and have a crush on Anderson Cooper (I know). In my morning reading, I think I discovered something I find disturbing and you may, too.

It’s Jesus. Seems the Son of God is all over the place lately. Here’s a little background info on me, in case you haven’t known me since birth. I grew up Church of God, but all that meant to me is that I was a Christian and that seemed like a good thing to be. I accepted Christ, it was all good, but I didn’t do youth group or anything; my parents weren’t big church-goers, no big deal. I grew up, had friends of different faiths, boyfriends of different faiths, discussed religion with people all the time. I met my hubs, Scott, in December of my freshman year at LA Tech and he dragged me to Campus Crusade, and church, the whole nine yards. So, for those of you keeping score at home, I’m a Christian girl, now active in MOPS, love my FBC Covington, all that (I don’t listen to Christian rock, but that’s a whole ‘nother blog). Good stuff, yea me.

So here’s my problem. Jesus is popping up all over the place. You know what I’m talking about — his image. Now, I may get in trouble for this one, too, but call me crazy (wouldn’t be the first time), but seems my man, JC, wouldn’t choose to appear to the masses in say, a Cheeto.

Friends and peeps, I give you Cheeto Jesus. Some woman in Missouri found what she believes to be the representation of our Lord and Savior in crispy cheesy goodness. Cheesus, you might say. This would be the crucifixion image, of course, which is the most popular Jesus sighting, next to the Shroud of Turin Jesus.

Now, I love Jesus. I sing his praises, read books about him, think about what he would do in situations, but I have never seen him in a bag of snacks. I’m not one for salty snacks anyway, so I guess I should say I’ve never seen Him on an M&M or Almond Joy, or plate of cheese enchiladas even (no matter how cheesy). Dang, now I’m hungry.

Oh, you say, “Kerry, that’s just plain silly, of course Jesus wouldn’t appear in Cheeto form!” Well, would you believe He’s chosen to appear again — in the fur of a kitty? Well, CNN says maybe so. They put kitty Jesus on their website this morning, you can watch it below.

What? The kitty Shroud of Turin Jesus? It must be a sign of the Apocalypse. Forget Y2K people, it’s Kitty Jesus. I can’t believe they named the kitty Sissy. So when they call her she can say, “who you callin’ Sissy, I’m Jesus!”

Don’t like Kitty Jesus? I’ve had 3 cats, none with Jesus fur, but hey, you can’t have everything. My cats were cool, 2 of them I taught to fetch. Maybe you’re not a cat person. Maybe you’re a fish person. Nothing wrong with that. There’s always Catfish Jesus.

I found this lovely Catfish Crucifixion Jesus on a popular online auction site that may or may not rhyme with beGay. Someone wants money for this treasure. Here’s his (or her) description:

“You decide. Possessing one is fabled to bring luck and protection for whomever has it. All I can say is Mine has. This is NOT MY Personal one – I would never part with that one. I had mine during my 30 month and still ongoing recovery from a serious paralyzing spinal injury the results of which which the doctors are calling “Miraculous” I will send the moving story of that to any buyer who requests it. I also survived Hurricane Charley and Wilma And I win a lot @ Bingo. I CAN NOT / DO NOT claim this unusual item had anything to do with these events BUT I used everything I knew of that might help.”

I didn’t change a word of that listing. I didn’t have to, it’s wacko all on it’s own. I love how he says he wins a lot at bingo. ‘Cause Jesus loves gambling! At least that guy’s Jesus does. Anyone ever think that maybe a catfish’s skeleton just looks like that? Maybe it’s just me.

If any of y’all bid on that I’ll take you out for an all-you-can-eat catfish dinner. I hear there’s a good place not far from me. Bet they have sweet tea. I hope they have hushpuppies. Mmmm…hushpuppies.