the costume to end all costumes

Halloween is next Friday for those of you without a calendar.

I’ve been talking about costumes all month and how 1) can’t find one to go with the theme the kids have going, 2) doesn’t look like I should be serving up drinks at Oktoberfest, and 3) doesn’t look like somewhere a pole is missing a stripper. So, it should come to no surprise that I’ve had to come up with my own costume. As you know, necessity is the mother of invention. Not that I’m an inventor, but I’ve seen Back to the Future many times and I’m a devoted follower of Project Runway, so I figure I’m ahead of the curve on this one. I’ve been thinking about the costume for a week and I’ve worked for at least 15 minutes on this, so you know it’s quality. Friends, without further ado, I give you Wellbutrina.

Wellbutrina is a fairy who is medicated and motivated. The costume comes with the wings, dress, and 30 day supply of Wellbutrin. She is a supercute fairy who gives a much needed boost to mothers of young children all over the earth. Wellbutrina is a mood-enhancing fairy and you should consult your doctor before ordering this costume.

Caution: Wellbutrina may cause you to forget your cares and should not be used by people with low stress levels. Wellbutrina cannot fly and you should not try to fly while wearing this costume. You should not wear this costume if you are on other medications as Wellbutrina may interfere with you medications you are taking. Do not wear this costume if you are pregnant, may become pregnant, or are nursing (but you know you’re going to need to call on Wellbutrina soon ’cause lemme tell you, motherhood is not for the weak and there’s only so much Max and Ruby you can take before you shoot out the television like Elvis did).

I do have to say I look pretty smokin’ in the costume. And yes, I do wear heels like that around the house everyday, well, except on Thursdays when my tiara is out being polished.

things that keep me up at night

There are things in this world that keep me up at night and I thought maybe if I put wrote some of them down I’ll be able to sleep tonight. I’ve had insomnia off and on since I was a teen and although I’ve seen a lot of great cable tv (shout out to 120 minutes on MTV) and infomercials over the years, I would prefer sleep over most of them. Most. Except maybe the Shark Steamer. I had to get one after I saw that thing get junk off the floor Dude, it got dried-up grape jelly off the kitchen tile. I’m a sucker for cleaning products and other things. And there are a few infomercials that crack me up, the Craft Lite Cutter shows just how difficult it is to cut a straight line. I never knew what a problem it was to cut things without the aid of light, as I do not commonly craft in the dark. I think maybe the Craft Lite Cutter is made for crafty vampires who have to scrapbook at night. They scrapbook, you know, vampires. It’s calming, kind of like knitting. Ask Anne Rice. See, that’s the kind of stuff that keeps me awake. Here’s something that’s been bothering me lately, maybe you can relate, probably not, but we’ll see:

I often contemplate how I could work into conversation with the McDonald’s drive-thru chick in the mere moments I have while she’s giving me back change for a happy meal that maybe she should move to another position at Mickey D’s. The big “Bitch” tattoo with swirlies around it on her neck is a little off-putting to customers. Just a little. And it’s only a matter of time before Katie asks what b-i-t-c-h spells. Not that she hasn’t heard it when I’ve stubbed my toe or tripped on the stairs, because I am, by nature clumsy as hell. Call me old-fashioned though, I don’t do tattoos. But if I were to get tattooed (and considering I don’t drink, that’s not going to happen), I’d get this:

I looked up “bad ass” in the dictionary and it read: Patrick Swayze and centaurs. So there you go. Oh, and I just like rainbows. They’re pretty.

Other things that keep me awake are less worrisome. The whole Halloween costume thing has me up tonight, looking for the perfect costume online. The girls are going to be fairies and Andrew’s going to be Peter Pan, so I want to coordinate. So, I asked Scott if I could get him the Captain Hook costume and he said no. He wants to wear the Fred Flintstone costume I made for him years ago. That doesn’t go with Peter Pan. And am I supposed to be Wilma? I know I have red hair, but come on. Really. That’s not going to happen. Plus, I’m more of a Betty than Wilma. Everyone knows that.

Damn, it’s after midnight. This stuff kept me up anyway. There’s no hope. If anyone’s reading this and you’re up late, well, go to sleep. I wish you the sweetest of dreams. Dreams of rainbows and cotton candy and Patrick Swayze riding a unicorn through a field of lavender to the tune of “She’s Like the Wind” from Dirty Dancing being played by Zamfir on his pan flute, who is also riding a unicorn. And the whole thing is being painted by Bob Ross, who is painting little happy trees behind Patrick Swayze with chocolate waterfalls and intertwining rainbows of happiness and joy and love. nighty night, peeps.

I am so getting this

NEWSFLASH: I FOUND THE GANGSTA RAP COLORING BOOK ON AMAZON.COM!!!!!!!!!

I hate all caps, but this is totally necessary, ’cause I’m keepin’ it gangsta, white-girl style.

It takes so little to make me happy. I think this is the perfect Christmas gift for those hard to buy for people in your life. Why give an iTunes gift card when you can give the gift that keeps on giving: the Gangsta Rap Coloring Book. My good friends should cross this little gem off their Christmas list, ’cause I just ordered 15 of them. Don’t worry, I get free shipping with Amazon Prime. I may throw in some scented crayons, too.

You’re welcome.