worst gift ever

Being that I have a bunch of gifts to wrap, laundry to fold, piles of magazines and kids' school papers to go through, not to mention I think I'm getting bronchitis — I didn't think I'd post until tonight, but then I saw this on the-coveted.com.

This is beyond wrong. Everyone knows I hate birds. I like them when they're flying around, not bothering anyone, but no — they have to attack people and try to kill them. Have you seen Hitchcock's The Birds? Scariest freakin' movie I've ever seen. The damn birds are everywhere! It's pretty much my nightmare since that day in 1994 when the parrot attacked me at the Audubon Aquarium of the Americas. I was not injured by the bird only because I was able to get away thanks to my cat-like reflexes. For a chubby girl, I can run when faced with a big blue pterodactyl. Damn giant blue parrot. Scott said it was a Maccaw, I prefer to think of it as a giant blue instrument of death.

If I opened this on Christmas morning I would no doubt go into cardiac arrest. I'm sure seeing that Barbie under my tree would put me in the hospital. It could only be worse if those were owls. What the hell is Mattel thinking? Are there no other Barbies left in the world to make? What's next — Carrie from the Stephen King movie? Have they made the Aretha Franklin Barbie? Yoko Ono Barbie? How about a First Lady series? I suggest starting with Dolly Madison. Surely there are other Barbies out there to make. I'm not an anti-Barbie feminist. I love Barbie. Sure, she could stand to eat a sandwich, but I have nothing against her. I just don't want to see her being pecked to death by birds.

Here's the blurb about it from BarbieCollector.com: In 1963, Alfred Hitchcock,
the Master of Suspense, gave us a tale of terror not soon forgotten in
his film “The Birds.” Dressed in a re-creation of the stylish green
skirt-suit worn by the film’s ill-fated heroine in an iconic scene, Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds”
Barbie® Doll celebrates the 45th anniversary of the acclaimed film.
From the doll’s classic ensemble to the perfectly painted expression to
the accompanying black birds, every aspect captures the film’s infamous
appeal.

Seriously? Her perfectly painted expression of utter fear for her life! I give up, Mattel. Here's an idea: the Kerry Barbie — In 2008, Kerry Faler, the Mistress of the Mundane, gave us a blog soon not to be forgotten for its near-humor and paranoid ramblings. Dressed in a pink ScrapFest! t-shirt and black yoga pants worn by her while writing the blog, the "Kerry Faler" Doll celebrates the life of the 34 year-old acclaimed mom. From the doll's comfy ensemble to the perfectly painted WTF expression to the accompanying MP3 of "Black Bird," every aspect captures Kerry's moderate appeal. You should know the Kerry doll cannot wear Barbie's clothes as the Kerry doll is not a stick and most likely would not play nice with Barbie.

No one better get me that scary doll from The Birds. Unless you want me to come to your house and beat you down, don't even think about it.

Christmas shopping guide: idea #7 — calling all last minute shoppers

For those of you paying attention (there will be a quiz later), I wrote two Christmas Shopping Guide #5 editions, so this is technically number 7. I never said I could count. Gosh.

So, on the way back from Pearl River tonight, Megan and I came to a full stop on I-12 before the Slidell mall exit. Eventually we saw that there was a big wreck, glass and junk all over the road. The cause of the accident? Weekend Before Christmasitis. People are flocking to the malls in droves. Not only is it inadvisable to go to the mall this weekend, it has been proven to be downright dangerous. We here at the Kerry Blog are here to help. Don’t go near the mall, instead go to Walgreens.

First, some history. When I was much younger and slightly less sarcastic and cynical, my family would make the trek all the way next door to my grandmother’s house on Christmas in the late afternoon (after visiting my mother’s side of the family i.e. the sane side). Not only could I expect one of my aunts to get get drunk on Crown Royal and ask someone to drive her to the liqour store, but it was also the time to see what my grandmother bought us the night before from K & B (when K & B Drugs still existed). My grandmother (who, by the way, gave all 3 of her daughters the middle name Ann) was not what you would call a planner. She was lucky if she remembered all of our names, much less bought Christmas gifts.

The highlight of the evening (besides when my aunt would announce that no one in the family ever really loved her and passed out — once in her car in the driveway) was opening gifts from my grandmother. The most interesting gift I remember getting from my grandmother (aka Mammaw Nextdoor) was a baby blue nightshirt in a matching drawstring bag. All 6 granddaughters got one, I was about 8. I believe it was also packaged with a roll of Lifesavers and no, they weren’t wrapped. In case you’re wondering, the most memorable gift I ever received from my alchoholic aunt was loose change packaged in a lovely purple Crown Royal bag, it was all kinds of inappropriate.

What is the moral of this story, you ask? Well, besides that it’s not a good idea to give kids money in a bag that once contained the very substance you’re wasted on, anyway. The moral of this story is that shopping at drugstores is a great alternative to the mall.

The drugstore for Christmas shopping? Hell yeah. What can you get at Walgreens? A whole lot of awesome, that’s what.

Let’s say you’ve waited ’til today to start shopping for Christmas for some reason. Maybe you’ve been working too hard or maybe you’ve just woken up from a month-long coma and need to shop for the whole family. Drive to your nearest Walgreens, get a cart and go directly to the cosmetics section. Did you know you can get all the brand name fragrances there? Walgreens has everything from Juicy Couture to Vera Wang (my fave) to Burberry — or Celine Dion and Britney Spears if you prefer.

Maybe your budget doesn’t allow for perfume. Maybe your family and friends would love something from the As Seen On TV aisle. Your sister would love a Ped Egg Pro for $9.99 and a Finishing Touch Lumina lighted hair remover to get rid of that unibrow. It’s never easy to tell someone that they have neglected their personal appearance. I find that holidays are the perfect time to let those close to you know these things with a gift. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a gift bag of deodorant, breath spray and nose hair trimmers.

I have a lot of crafty friends. Crafty as in making crafts, not cunning or devious — well, oh, nevermind. And if I know my friends, they will work on projects or scrapbook no matter the weather, time of day, nothing will stop these women. Chances are you know someone like this. Chances are you have someone on your list who will craft all night long ’til the break of dawn — even if the
power is out during a hurricane. If that should happen (and living where I live, it is likely), a hard-core crafter would need this. It’s the Craft Lite Cutter. Yes, it’s a paper trimmer. Yes, it lights up. In case you need to scrapbook or cut some sort of paper in the dark — clip coupons, Dear Abby columns from the newspaper, whatever. Now, it was not until I watched the commercial for this product that I realized cutting paper was was so difficult. You see, I have been fairly proficient at using scissors since I was 5, a child-prodigy if you will, I had cutting down pat. As an adult I have become quite adept at using all the various and sundry cutting tools, scissors, kitchen shears, hair cutting shears, nail clippers, several different craft knives, box cutters, cheese graters, glass cutter, pizza wheel, machete — I can cut virtually anything. Imagine my shock when I saw this commercial.

I had NO IDEA cutting paper could be such an issue for people. If I had known this I would have invented this product years ago. Now, I have no need for this since I have a Masters in cutting paper, but when I first saw the commercial I was across the room from the tv and I thought it was a paper trimmer with a laser. As a scrapbooker, a paper trimmer with a freakin’ laser would rock. Clearly, I am a scrapbook rockstar, but damn — I don’t have any lasers! What’s next? A fog machine? Awe yeah. I’ve long been convinced my friends and I need a tour bus for all of our paraphernalia. We typically take one vehicle to retreats, packed to the hilt with 4 -5 women, a million bags, snacks, and once — a margarita machine. I believe our stuff would rival any band’s gear and only one of us can sing. That would not be me. We definitely need a tour bus with our laser paper trimmers. Fiskars has come out with a trimmer which is also a dock for your iPod, fab idea. If it only had lasers and a fog machine… damn, that would rule. I would get one with flames painted on the sides and it would look way cooler than this —

Because although it is my favorite color, even though it would play my tunes, it doesn’t exactly say scrapbook rockstar, does it now? That’s what I thought. Butterflies? Surely you jest. Butterflies are for little girls and Mariah Carey. You can’t get the Fiskars Rock Paper Trimmer (that’s the real name, I know it sounds like something I would make up, but I can’t take the credit) at Walgreens. You may purchase it scrapbook.com for a mere $80 and it plays your iPod; the Craft Lite Cutter is $60 cheaper at Walgreens, but it only has a light. Sadly, there isn’t a paper trimmer with both features, but as the Rolling Stones sang, you can’t always get what you want.

If it’s stocking stuffers you’re looking for on Christmas Eve, I suggest hitting Walgreens for batteries. Trust me, as a mom of three, there are things I have learned — you need batteries. “Oh, but Kerry, I already bought batteries –” the hell you say, get yourself to Walgreens and buy some AA, AAA, C, and D batteries. There are few things worse than opening presents Christmas morning and finding some of those toys require batteries and you thought you bought batteries. While you’re at it, get some wire cutters, too. Exactly when did all toys come packaged with 4000 twistie-ties? My oldest child was born in 2001, at the beginning of the Era of Twistie-Ties. For those of you who had your first children after 2001, toys used to come in boxes and you could just open them and take out the toys. Now toys are packaged in a box, in clear plastic that must be cut open with a machete, tied down with twistie-ties and hell, if it’s a Barbie, her hair is sewn to the carboard, and you must free her as if she were a POW being held in Barbie prison.

So, got your list ready? Batteries, wire cutters, Ped Egg, Finishing Touch Lumina, Perfume, and the Craft Lite Cutter. It’s the weekend before Christmas, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

what the hell Friday: my thunder has been stolen

So, since yesterday was a snow day and I have been essentially trapped in my home with a feverish 3 year-old this week, I made a break for it and went to Target. What a great idea that was. Apparently everyone was thinking the same thing.

After getting tissue paper and tape, my Frizz Ease Secret Weapon (love that stuff), and milk, I made my way to the scrapbooking aisle as I always do. I can spot anything new on that aisle because I'm like a scrapbook hawk looking for prey. On first glance I saw nothing new, until some funky rub-ons caught my eye.

Y'all, someone needs to call the po-lice 'cause my thunder has been stolen. Some scrapbook company (I've already forgotten the name) has taken MY catchphrases and turned them into rub-ons. What the hell? Oh, I'm sure that will be on the next series of rub-ons! Damn. I say shut up! all the time. I've said it for years and I say it to everyone, it's like saying "oh, really?" or the equivalent, but with more chutzpah. This blew my little mind. I stood in the scrapbook aisle dumbfounded. This has to be the second or third time in the past month that I've thought, "ooo — I should make that a product!" only to find out it already exists in the retail market. As a conspiracy theorist, I'm sure either my van is bugged (b/c that's where I do most of my thinking outloud) or my iPhone is being tapped and someone is getting all of the fantabulous ideas I tell my friends.

So, if that weren't enough, I start flipping throught the little pad and find oh snap!, seriously, boo yah! and fo shizzle! What the hell? I am really the only person I know who uses all of those phrases on a regular basis and I KNOW I'm the only 34 year-old white chick who uses boo-yah! and fo shizzle in public. This is when I thought about calling the management over, but I knew that wouldn't help. So, I documented my findings and bought the rub-on pad for evidence. I plan on calling my tv boyfriend, Anderson Cooper, to get CNN on this story, 'cause I'm sure this is right up there with the recession, the auto bailout, and Linens and Things and KB Toys closing (and yes, for those of you in the know, my maiden name started with a B, hence Kerrybee, and when I was a kid I thought the store was named for me, made sense when I was 6). I would say I should start my own scrapbooking news program on the web, but I'm sure someone would take that idea, too. If the rub-on pad would have had for realz, whatev, and no big — I would have called somebody. Maybe someone's stealing my identity. Ha. I've got news for them, it ain't worth stealing.

So, on another note, Target now has little painted canvas plaques you can totally make yourself for maybe $4. I found one that may be my motto for 2009, c'est la vie. I don't know why I decided to make a self-portrait because as you know I'm not one to turn the camera around. Just kind of fitting today. And if I'm ever arrested, maybe they'll let me use this as my mugshot. And my expression goes with the expression, if you know what I mean. Yes, I'm wearing a ScrapFest! shirt. Y'all have a nice weekend. I'm hoping to get some rest and do something fun. You do the same.

Christmas shopping guide: idea #5 (this looks a little familiar edition)

Y'all, I don't know whether to be flattered or frightened. Perusing my favorite blogs as I do everyday, I came to Manolo for the Big Girl, which is a funny plus-sized fashion blog that I love. Today they featured an Etsy shop, Mamacitabeadworks, and their hand-cast pewter pendants — well, you know I love the accessories, so I had to check them out. If you could have seen the look on my face when I saw this gorgeous pendant:

Um, yeah. They call this the Mamacita pendant. It looks a little familiar, I can't quite put my finger on it, hmm. Seems like I saw something like that when I stepped out of the shower this morning. Oh. Wow. I'm calling it the "looks a lot like Kerry pendant." I think I'm safe to say not many of my readers have seen me nekkid (unless those pics got out on the Interwebs), but now — well, there's really no need.

I should Photoshop some clothes on Mini Kerry over there. It's funny, I don't remember posing for jewelry line. With my memory you'd think I'd remember something like that.

I'm throwing out all my mirrors now that I can see myself in pewter form. I look great! Take that, supermodels!

Really, Mamacitabeadworks has more than my pendant, their shop is pretty cool and they even have buttons. Who makes buttons? I didn't know you could just make buttons. I thought they came from the button fairy or something.

_______________________________________________________________________

Ok, it's way late to still be up, but with the OCD, I have to finish watching this documentary I started watching on synchronized swimming. I will watch a documentary on paint drying. Docs are my fave, we go way back. I should have been a documentary film maker. I'll tell you the funniest thing I've heard all day — the synchronized swimmers pratice in front of mirrors at home and that's called "land training." THEY THINK THEY ARE FREAKIN' MERMAIDS! This is so awesome. These chicks are hard core! OMG, there is one boy in the group. Dear sweet mother of Aquaman, he wants to push for men to be able to compete in the olympics in "syncho" as he calls it. More like psycho. He swam in a duet with a girl and the routine was called Adam and Eve. No lie. I am speechless. I'll tell you what this is — this is unfreakingbelievable. I've got to watch this — enough blogging for tonight I'm totally into "syncho!" Viva la syncho!

Christmas shopping guide: idea #5 (you know you want these edition)

I don't know if I've introduced y'all to www.coolmompicks.com or not, but you can find great sites and products you otherwise wouldn't have known about on there. Today I stumbled on www.justjenndesigns.com, which I found while perusing the misc paper products section of Cool Mom Picks.

Do you ever feel like saying what you're thinking? What you're really thinking. You know, when that Somebody asks you to volunteer (don't get me started on how the word volunteer means you aren't asked or talked into something). Anytorture, I often send notes of thanks or notes that should be of thanks, but the person I'm writing to was more of a pain than anything else. That's why I'm ordering these notes. I particularly like the one that says "punk ass." I'm thinking of someone to send that to right now and the expression on their face would just be priceless. Oh, if I had the nerve. Knowing me, I'd write the note, address it, put the stamp on it and carry it in my purse for a year.

But, I would wear these or pin them to a scrapbook bag anyway. I used to have tons of buttons on jean jackets, but now I pin them on my scrapbook bags, 'cause that's how I roll. Again, the "punk ass" one is awesome. I also love "thug life." I'm laughing my evil genius laugh right now. I think I have to have these. Totally necessary to pimp out my bags. Check out www.justjenndesigns.com for more hilarity.

Christmas shopping guide: idea #4 — arts and crafts edition

Y'all know I'm crafty (in more ways than one) and I enjoy and arts and crafts fair, when there are actual arts and crafts for sale. Let's play everyone's favorite game for our Christmas Shopping Guide today: Art or Craft?!

Let's start with what Megan and I found in the first tent.

This would be the Enchanting Aromas homemade candles. Please draw your eyes to the middle candle on the left. The scent is Butt Naked. Now, the sign says PLEASE SMELL! but there was no way I was taking a whiff of a candle with Butt in the title. Notice there are people shopping in this booth. Notice the email address starts with earoma — is it just me or does that sound like some kind of skin cancer of the ear? "Sorry, Mrs. Faler, you have an Earoma and it's reached stage 5, I'm afraid you can no longer wear earrings." That would be a devastating diagnosis. Anyroma, you won't find the Butt Naked candle at Bath and Body Works or anywhere else for that matter. Thank baby Jesus. The candles are neither art nor craft.

Moving on, what would Christmas be without toys?

A lot less creepy is my guess if you're going to give your kids troll dolls. This booth and every kind of troll doll for all your troll doll needs. And what a name for the booth: Trolls and Fun. Because trolls are clearly not fun, so you have to buy some fun to go with them. Those things are creepy and weird. I never understood the draw of the troll doll.

The trolls are neither art nor craft. They are, however creep-city and I'm pretty sure it you spend your time with troll dolls all day long you are in need of psychiatric evaluation. Trust me, it is worth checking into and I can reccommend someone if you need me to. I'm just saying.

Moving on.

Some vendors apparently think arts and crafts is a science or at least pseudo-medicine voodoo.

Not that I haven't had a masseuse that could have been called an artist, but generally, no, pressure point massage is not an art or a craft. And who goes to a craft fair and thinks, "oh, I sure could go for a massage, Louise. Oh, look, there's a masseuse!"

Wouldn't you know it, a few booths down from the pressure point massage was something I never imagined to see at an arts and crafts fair.

Of course, it's the Ye Olde Pain Relief Acupuncture booth. This is where What the Hell Friday comes into play. What the hell? Seriously, people. And no, I've never tried it because 1) I've had too many shots in my 34 year-old life and don't want to stick needles in my body for fun and B) I'm still considered sane in most states and 3) it hurts when I attempt to sew and stick myself with a needle. Do I need to remind you that I got D in home ec in middle school?

The only craft I consider acupuncture to be is witchcraft. And I didn't get a picture of the big-ass sign at the back of the booth because the gentleman in the brown jacket was blocking it. It was a big lifesize diagram of the human body and where the needles go for whatever they're trying to cure you of. At this point I was seriously doubting the legitimacy of this arts and crafts fair and Megan asked me if I'd ever been to one. Yeah, I've been to the indoor kind with real arts and crafts. Then we stumbled upon this.

Feast your eyes upon the hideousness.

The next time we're invited to a dinner party and bring the token bottle of wine I'm giving the host this lovely antler and horseshoe wine bottle holder. Don't worry, I picked up a few for Christmas gifts. I think I'll give my girlfriends one with a bottle of Boone's Farm 'cause I'm classy like that.

When Obama appoints me Ambassador of Good Taste I'm having these things banned. I'm of the belief that the only things that look good with antlers are living animals. Call me crazy, I know. We don't have any deer heads in our house or jackalopes or anything and I like it that way.

The wine holder is not an art nor a craft, it is some serious ugly.

And then we went to the food tent for lunch!

Megan's way of getting me to the arts and crafts fair was the premise that we need to find new food vendors for ScrapFest! and the best way was to sample some of the local vendors that do these kinds of events. Sounds on the level, right? Ha. Turns out Megan just wanted kettle corn, but she wouldn't pay $6 for it. So, we walked around the food tent and settled on a vendor that seemed pretty suspicious to me.

Look at all the food you can get on a stick! We both had shrimp on a stick. Another vendor had ribs on a stick, and as I told a bff today, that seems a little redundant. The shrimp were good. And my shrimp on a stick came with an eggroll and lo mein. I know, it didn't make sense to me either, but whatev. I love an eggroll. They offered a soft-shell crab sandwich, but the vendor didn't understand me when I asked what was on it, so I went with the shrimp. Moving on.

After our stick lunch, we finally found a booth worth of the arts and crafts title. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the fudge booth.

People, this is an art and a craft. One guy was making the fudge, stirring with the wooden paddle, another guy was spreading it on the other stone surface that's not in this pic. Megan and I were in awe. We decided on chocolate almond fudge. It was still warm and so yummy. They offered pumpkin pie fudge and some sort of white chocolate cranberry fudge, but I don't consider either of those to be fudge. I know, I'm picky when it comes to my fudge. It was superfantastic and I enjoyed watching the dudes make it almost as much as I enjoyed the fudge. Almost. The fudge dudes get the arts and crafts award!

Just for fun, here's a pic of something that although I would like to have, does not belong at an arts and crafts fair.

Why on earth would you bring your taser booth to the CHRISTMAS arts and crafts fair? Really. There are so many questions. And nothing says Christmas like personal protection, am I right? Suprisingly enough, I didn't overhear "hey, Thelma, there's the taser booth you were looking for!" when we were there. Shocking, I know. None of the little old ladies were lining up for tasers this morning.

I do wish there would have been a demonstration, because that might have made me buy one. I mean, I want to know my taser works, I need to test it out on something or someone, preferably not a friend or family member and a booth guy would do. The last thing I need is to buy a taser and have it fail when I need to use it on, I don't know, a kiosk person in the mall. Or a neighbor with really tacky Christmas decorations.

Speaking of, don't forget to enter the Kerry Blog Ugly-Ass Christmas Decoration Contest. Information is in the post below. Y'all have a fab weekend.

Christmas shopping guide: idea #3

EDIT: Friends and peeps, I couldn't bring myself to post the pic because I have standards for my blog (they may be low, but hell, I have them), but I had to seek out the next step from the Equmen 6-pack producing undershirt and look for a butt enhancer for men after I read Molly's comment. I thought we could invent something, but it's already a product — imagine that. Now if your man needs some help in the derriere, go here. It's called the Package Booster, and as the name suggests, it boosts more than just the booty. And that's about as tacky as I can be without offending my sensibilities and Puritan nature. I can talk all day long on just about any subject except for the twig and berries because I am a total prude, as most of my firends will attest to.

There's no doubt in my mind that men are the hardest to shop for. I have a hard time shopping for the perfect Christmas gift for the men in my life — but not this year, baby. The Kerry blog is nothing if not quasi-helpful with shopping, so it should surprise no one that I have found the best gift in the history of ever for the vain, but not vain enough to work out everyday men. Friends and peeps, I give you the Equmen Core-Precision Undershirt.

The Equmen undershirt is to a man's torso what Spanx is to my tummy. Spanx rock, but I can't see a man wearing this. It is supposed to take inches off and give you the 6-pack you've always wanted. Oh, yeah, and it retails for $90. Ninety. That's a lot more than my Spanx. But I suppose if you're a guy and you want to impress the ladies, you might try this for kicks. I've never been on the other end of this, because I'm a girl (obviously), but I can't imagine dating a guy you think is a hard body type and that big make-out date happens. You're getting your groove on to some slow jams and he takes the Equmen undershirt off and lets the flab loose. That's just plain sexy.

The jock-type has never been my type, I always preferred the brainy cute guys to the beefcakes and I've been off the market for over a decade, so I won't be buying the Equmen undershirt for my hubs this year. But, now that I think about it, Scott took the "real age quiz" and turns out he's 49 (that's only 12 years older than his actual age) and I'm 28 in real-age years, so looks like I may be on the market if he kicks the bucket. Better keep my options open just in case.

when you care enough to send the bitterest

It's almost that time again. Christmas card time.

You know what that means, you'll get your first card in the mail on December 1st from that overzealous friend or relative and you feel guilty that you haven't even thought about Christmas cards yet. Then the cards start to trickle in, then one day you get 10 of them in the mailbox and you look at the calendar and think, "if I send cards today people will get them in time." But you forget about it because you get caught up reading the cards you've received. The cards, photo cards, and holiday family newsletters are too much. I sent photo cards last year, but this year I've found the best Christmas cards in the history of ever.

A while back I posted some things by Anne Taintor, she creates "vintage revisited" products that are witty and just snarky enough to please me. I've always had a love-hate relationship with Christmas cards. Each Christmas I remember when I read Less Than Zero for the first time and how I loved the Christmas party invitation Clay receives at the beginning of the novel. Not that I would ever send a card as tacky as F*** Christmas, and the rest of it — but I appreciate the humor of it. Every year I try my best to find the perfect card and sadly, I'm never satisfied with the ones I send. Anne Taintor apparently had the same problem, because her cards are the ones I'd write if I had a card company.

Who wouldn't love to get this? "So much depended on how one defined
'naughty'." That's awesome. You know you'd like to send that card to someone. You know you do. You're thinking of that person right now, aren't you? I thought so. I love the images on the cards. All of them are from vintage ads and the women are real people. On Taintor's site she catches up with some of the ladies dubbed the "Taintorettes" and you get to see what they're up to now. Very cute.

This one is great. "'gay apparel' was putting it mildly." Nothing quite says holiday like emasculating Christmas cards. I love that Taintor brings up the Christmas song that everyone giggles on the inside about just a little bit when you hear it. Times have changed, can we think of something else besides "don we now our gay apparel?" Really, come on.

Ever wonder what sort of card to send your couple friends of mixed faiths? Do you send a Christmas card and a Chanukah card? Do you choose which one to go with? That's a pain. In that case I always feel it's best to address the obvious and go with a card like this. "Now was probably not the best time to tell the kids they were Jewish." Perfect. Now if there was matching wrapping paper, you'd be set.

While you're at it you might as well be honest and say how you really feel. Honesty is the best policy, I always say. That's how I live my life. Why be any different at the holidays? Christmas can be a difficult time for family gatherings, I know I've had my share of awkward situations and such, who hasn't? And being the honest person I am, it can make for unwanted and unpleasant conversations — but that's where medication comes into play.
Everyone knows I'm medicated, for a while it was on the down-low, but I was outed, so hell, why not put it out there in card from and tell everyone how I feel about the holidays. "Fortunately, she had remembered to stock up on Prozac before going home for the holidays." I couldn't have said it better myself, well, unless I named my actual meds! If you send this card, chances are your family knows you have to be on something to spend the holidays with them. Heck, I have to be on something to spend time by myself, let alone other people.

I'm keeping the card I ordered for close friends under wraps, not gonna spoil the surprise, not even for the blog. It was hard to pick between all the superfantastic cards. I did like this one a lot, but I chose a different sentiment. I can't wait to send it. I spent a long time on the Anne Taintor site, shopped for Christmas pressies for my girlfriends and got a notepad for myself. My notepad says "old enough to know better…too young to give a rat's ass." Too bad that's not a Christmas card.

I so need my own card line. You listening Hallmark? I'm a hard worker, well, when I want to work anyway. I don't work in the rain. Or early mornings. Or when I just don't feel like it. But I'd be a great card writer. I can illustrate as well. So, give me call if you need a new card line, just don't call to early, I like to sleep in. And I prefer to work at home, in my pajamas. Don't judge.

Christmas shopping guide: idea #2

These days everyone is all about DIY projects and no doubt you have one of those people on your Christmas list. I know I do. My grandfather does everything himself. When we evacuated from Hurricane Katrina we went to Shreveport and spent two weeks at my grandfather's house. For two weeks I watched my grandfather attempt to fix a wooden ironing board. I know, I didn't know ironing boards were made out of wood at one time. And yes, that does seem like a fire hazard, doesn't it? For two weeks my grandfather worked on the ironing board, went to Home Depot mulitple times for various and sundry items he needed to make the necessary repairs and continued to fuss with the ironing board. At the end of the two weeks he came to the conclusion he needed to buy a new ironing board.

Unfortunately, this gift is also of no use to my grandfather, but maybe someone on your list would love it. From stupid.com, here's the Grow Your Own Furniture Kit.

Just look
at what a single GYOF kit will produce:

1 Chest of Drawers
2 Nightstands
1 dining room table
6 Chairs
1 Rocker
1 Footstool
82 Toothpicks *

All it
takes is a Grow Your Own Furniture Kit, a little patience, and $2.99!

* Actual number of toothpicks may vary

The instructions say to plant the acorn and wait 42 years. 42. My grandfather is 83, so he doesn't have that kind of time, but surely you have someone that does. And what a cheap gift! Heck, you could get a bunch for $2.99 a pop! Grow your own furniture store, why not?

a whole lot of woman needs a whole lot more

Frugal Beth and I went to Lakeside mall today, mostly to play with makeup at Sephora. I love makeup, always have — and Sephora is the bomb. A sales associate gave Beth a sample of some wrinkle-fighting stuff to Beth, it was $150 and I thought Beth might pass out. Saleslady, you have no idea who you're dealing with. Bethy Beth has never met a penny she hasn't pinched. I bought a bunch of stuff — big surprise.

The shopping was going well, found everything I was looking for and you know that never happens. Then we hit Lane Bryant, the store for curvy women — as the new phrase on the glass entrance says. I looked at dresses, hoping to find something I could buy and not have to order online for the Christmas party. A superfantastic sales person pulled all the dresses that wouldn't be too long for me and showed me to the cool fitting room, the one that's as big as my master bath.

So, I try on the first dress, looked like a potato sack, second dress the same, third dress — potato sack with a bubble bottom, fourth — potato sack with beading at the neckline. Apparently the look for this holiday season is inspired by Mrs. Potato Head. Here's a look at the wall of reject dresses, notice they're all black except for the ugly one that's red, white, and black. I didn't get the memo from LB that if you're a plus-sized woman you should hide in black. It would be different if the dresses were fabulous, but there's nothing like looking like you're hiding in a dowdy black dress.

Nice. Just for fun, I put on my clothes and
checked myself
out in the mirror. This may be
a first and a last on the blog, but here's me in the fitting room. I look like a ghost. I stand with my hand on my hip and a phone in my hand all the time, so that's a natural pose. And you can't see how cute my new Born maryjanes are, but it's difficult to take a picture in a mirror. Sorry for the poor quality, but it's an iPhone, not a real camera. I'm a terrible judge of what I look like, but I looked 10 times better in my clothes than I did in the dresses. Black empire waist top and flared jeans. I watch What Not to Wear, I know how to dress my apple-shaped figure and it's not in potato sacks. I know you can't tell anything about this outfit from the pic, but ask Beth, I looked kinda cute, I think.

Maybe I'm getting more gutsy in mid-thirties — Lord, that's weird to say — but I've had it. I'm only posting the pic to say there are a lot of bigger girls out there with money to spend on decent clothes and we shouldn't have to go to online stores to buy them because there's nothing in the mall. And I was in a great mall, too. I shop online a lot, but it would be nice not to have to. I know all the cute plus-sized stores, Igigi, Torrid, Swak, etc. My beef is with the brick and mortar stores and their selection. For crying out loud, a chubby girl has to go to oldnavy.com to shop because they only have plus sizes online. I know, I'm wearing Old Navy as I'm writing this. And can I just say that I'm 34 and I don't want to look like I should be on the freaking Golden Girls. I can rock just about any outfit out there, but girl can't rock a moomoo, not even on Halloween. For realz, peeps.

I think I'm going to start my own clothing line. Of course I'll need financial backing and someone who can sew because I have two sewing machines in my house and I can't work either one. I got a C in Home Ec, there is no hope for me. I'll let y'all know how the clothing line goes. For now, I've got some great curtains I'm thinking would make one hell of a wrap dress. I can't sew, but I have a hot glue gun and I'm not afraid to use it.

Ok, so I just stumbled on a song and have to share. It's my new theme song as of 3 minutes ago. It's Mika singing "Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)" and I think it's fun. Skinny girls can watch it, too. It will be up as soon as I figure out how to post video.