I'm not sure why I find CNN's practical advice stories so funny about what not to do in certain situations.  Well, maybe for starters they tell you what not to do, instead of advising you what to do in the first place.  CNN loves to give us advice because there is obviously no real news to report (sarcasm, people) and as everyone knows, it's fun to tell people what they're doing wrong.

So, I thought I'd take CNN's numbered things you shouldn't hide from your doctor, but as usual,
rejecting their reality and substituting my own.  Once again, CNN's words are ittalicized and the words
following the colons are mine, not CNN's (got that lawyer boys?  don't
sue me).  And I'm obviously not a doctor, but I watch Grey's Anatomy and House, so I'm practically board certified or certifiable, something like that.  Whatevs. 

From finances to sex, bathroom habits to spousal relationships,
herbs to illicit drugs, here are 10 things about which you should
always be open with your doctor.

Don't hide from your doctor the fact that you:

1. Smoke, drink excessively, do illegal drugs

Yeah, you'd better tell your doc if you're a crack whore or if you enjoy a 3 martini lunch, happy hour, and a nightcap everyday.  Of course your "excessive" might be my "moderate," so this could get touchy.  As for me, I have doctor appointments for the next two Tuesdays and I'm going to tell my doctors I plan to start drinking. 

2. Have peeing or pooping issues

Don't play around with those issues.  Fortunately you can't die of embarrassment.

3. Take herbs

Oh hell no.  Are people still taking herbs?  I thought that was a fad.  People, the only herbs you should be using are found in your local grocery store and are called INGREDIENTS.  I took cinnamon tablets a few years ago because I heard it helped you lose weight.  The only thing it helped me lose was $20.

4. See a chiropractor or an alternative healer

It's a good idea to keep your doctors informed of your visits to the chiropractor if they don't know about that.  Better to keep all your healthcare providers in the know.  You might want to mention those visits to the voodoo queen in the French Quarter and the medicine man too, but your doc may be tipped off by the necklace with the chicken foot you're wearing and the odor of clove and hippopatamus musk about you.

5. Are having financial troubles

If you're broke and can't afford lots of tests, tell your doc.  If you have sucky insurance or a super high deductable let your doctor know.  If you've spent all your money on crack, booze, and voodoo healing you might want to mention that as well. 

6. Want cheap medicine

By all means, if there is a cheaper drug that will do the same thing, ask for it.  It's okay to be cheap sometimes.  Now, don't tell your doctor I said that when you're sitting in the exam room when you've got your Christian-Louboutin-feet in stirrups with your Louis Vuitton in your lap.  Don't be tacky. 

7. Feel depressed or anxious or stressed out

There is a big difference between a little everyday stress and dropping your basket.  I don't want to hear about you on the news, like my grandfather says.  I've had family members on the news, that's why I told my doc about my anxiety.  Remind me to tell y'all about my dad's stories from the family reunion I didn't go to (read: will never go to).  One part involves the aunt that gave us Crown Royal bags full of change for Christmas, so you know it's a good story.

8. Defied the doctor's orders

Damn.  If you aren't doing what your doctor tells you to do — just do what your doctor tells you to do.  He or she went through a lot of learnin' to be able to tell you about your health and what is best for you.  You read WebMD and the health section of Cosmo.  It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out who knows some stuff (hint: it's not you — unless you are a doctor, and no "Dr. Feelgood" doesn't count). 

9. Don't exercise and eat badly

I haven't lost any weight since my last doctor visits, so I'm pretty sure my diet of champions and Olympic athlete-trained bod will tip my docs off to the obvious. 

10. Have a small problem you think is unimportant

Some small things aren't so small.  And ignoring medical conditions won't make them go away.  Once I ignored symptoms of asthma until I was thisclose from being admitted to a hospital in Georgia.  Being really sick isn't fun. 

Here's my favorite part of the article:

So
how do you get the guts to admit these things to your doctor? "You can
just say to the doctor, 'Hey, this is embarrassing for me to talk
about. This is hard for me. This is a taboo topic,' " Rackner suggests.

Another option: Tell the nurse, if you feel like you connect with her better.

A third idea: "If your doctor does e-mail, try that, or just write a
note," says Rackner. "Some people do better writing things than saying
them."

It's the last line that I love, the third idea.  I'm going to bring a note along with me to the gynecologist that says "Dr. B — am I a good candidate for a booby reduction?  Circle yes or no.  xxxooo, Kerry" 

I love the written word and I'm excellent at making a fool out of myself, so I think this is a great plan.  I'm a communication junkie; I wish we had email and text messaging when I was young and stupid (it would have made getting rejected and rejecting others much faster than writing notes and passing them in class or waiting until you got home to call someone.)  I'm thinking of brining a dry-erase board with me to communicate with my doctors– heck, you never know when you may need to draw a diagram or something. 

Once again, CNN is trying to out do me in the advice department.  I know, unbelievable.  There is a reason people come to the Kerry Blog, not just for news, not just for a laugh from time to time, but for news and advice they can trust.  Can you trust CNN?  Sure, I'd put my trust in a guy named Wolf, wouldn't you?  This afternoon on CNN.com I found a story on things you shouldn't share with co-workers.  Here's the opening paragraph:

Do you know what TMI is? Chances are you're either guilty of it or have
been its victim. It stands for "too much information" and it's making
daily life awkward for people across the country.

Can you really be a victim of TMI?  Can TMI kill you, break into your house and steal your valuables while you're away?  CNN, we can agree to disagree.  I've shared with you a few jobs I've held, so you know my work experience runs the gamut from Dillard's sales associate to preschool teacher to administrative assistant at a children's home.  I've been fired a lot, so I consider myself an authority on this subject.  So, the following is a 2 for 1 for your Monday.  I'm leaving the CNN numbered things you shouldn't share, but as usual, rejecting their reality and substituing my own.  Once again, the words following the colons are mine, not CNN's (got that lawyer boys?  don't sue me).

Here are 13 things you shouldn't share while on the clock:

1. Medical history: Man, I could write about this one all day.  I believe I was fired for this one a few times (I'm talking about you, MDA in an unnamed Georgia town).  The best instance is when I was fired from the Christian correspondence school for being pregnant.  I graded English essays.  Do you have any idea how much red ink I used in grading essays for a correspondence school?  A lot.  Anydropout, they fired me when I told them I couldn't drive in one morning because I was dizzy.  Jerks.  My advice, don't tell your employer your pregnant until you're at least 8 1/2 months along.  I don't care if he can see the baby kick from across the room.  I don't care if you can't reach your desk because your belly's in the way.  Sharing medical information is a bad idea.

2. Confidential work information: Yeah, that's not a good idea.  At the preschool where I worked I was up for a promotion, but this hussy told our director I didn't like the class I was supposed to be promoted to. I pity the fool who rats out a co-worker.  By the way, I didn't say I didn't like the 3 year-olds.  I like 3 year-olds. I used to be one.

3. Plans to quit: Unless you're an idiot you wouldn't tell anyone at your work that you're planning on quitting.  Don't be an idiot.  

4. Online venting sites: If you blog about your job, blog anonymously.  Don't dog out your boss on Facebook if your boss is one of your friends.  Use the common sense God gave you.  Unfortunately, some people weren't in the common sense line when God was handing sense out.  If you are one of these people, you should probably work alone.  I suggest being a Causeway toll booth operator or maybe work from home stuffing envelopes, and there is always bee-keeping. 

5. Matters of the heart: This is the issue that most annoyed me when I had a real job.  Usually I love a good love story, but not about co-workers.  I worked in Norcross, GA in an office full of individuals who were not the sharpest thumbtacks in the bulletin board and they gabbed about everything inappropriate you could imagine.  I really didn't care to hear that the geekiest dude in the office and his wife were swingers.  Ew.  Just — ew.  Once my boss came back to the office in tears after having lunch with her boyfriend.  I was nominated by my co-workers to comfort her.  She literally cried on my shoulder.  I believe I said "there, there" and patted her back.  Uncomfortable much?  True story. 

6. Politics: Do not talk politics in the office — unless someone mentions they have received their free unicorn from Obama and you have not. In that case, feel free.  And call me, I'd like to get in on that action.

7. Salary information: No one wants to hear that they make less moo-lah than you.  Don't be braggin' — that's what starts East Coast-West Coast office wars. 

8. Religion: It's not a good idea to spread your religion in the workplace.  Even if everyone in your office is going to hell. 

9. Your privileged life: Here's another true story: my co-worker from the office in Norcross showed up one day in her brand new baby blue Porche Boxster her daddy bought her day before.  No one liked her in the office after she told us about "Daddy" (I never figured out if she was talking her actual father or a sugar daddy.  Funny, I never thought to ask).

10. Therapy sessions:  Dang.  Unless you work for your therapist, it's probably a good idea to keep your visits to the shrink on the down-low.  In some circles therapy is still taboo, and you never know, they might think you're at risk for going postal at your job. 

11. The Rubik's Cube that is your personal life: Trust me when I tell you this: no one wants to hear about your 3 baby daddies, your current flame, and the child-support check you still haven't gotten because baby daddy #1 got picked up for possession, #2 was with the dealer, and #3 is getting a sex change in Amsterdam.  Keep that on the down-low for sure.  You don't want people thinking you're a Lifetime movie waiting to happen. 

12. Gossip: I'm not a big gossip, so I wouldn't know anything on this subject.  Let's just say if someone has said "don't tell anyone" then maybe you should keep it to yourself.  If they say "whatever you do, don't tell _________" then you really shouldn't go blabbing their business all over the office.  I don't care if they told you they were Barbara Streisand and George Bush's love child, don't say a word.  Don't call the newspaper, don't tell the parking lot attendant who only speaks Spanish.  He says he only speaks Spanish, but that's only so people will tell him the good gossip so he can write a telenovela when he goes back to his native country. 

13. Your Chris Rock routine: It was funny on The Office because it's a TV show.  In real life, not so much.  There is a reason you work where you work, you are not Chris Rock.  Also, not a bright idea to use that kind of language at work.  Unless you work with deaf-mutes, maybe you could get away with it.  But no, generally not a good idea to do your Chris Rock (or George Carlin) routines for your co-workers. 

CNN, I'm not waiting for the phone to ring.  I've got a good gig right here, baby.   Unless you think Anderson Cooper could use a cute redhead correspondent.  Did I say correspondent?  I meant co-anchor.  Except when he goes to the jungle and the desert  — I'll call in sick on those days.  Call me.