I don't know if you've heard, but there is something of a situation over at NBC. Jay Leno has a 9pm show that's getting canceled and he's taking back the helm of the Tonight Show from Conan (long live Coco), so it seems NBC has to make some quick programming decisions for after the Olympics end. That's five nights of hour-long television. Of course, they could just run Law and Order: Caddo Parish; Law and Order: Hotlanta; Law and Order: Shoplifters at Target; Law and Order: Put On Some Damn Pants, Lady Gaga; and the highly anticipated, Law and Order: Special Victims Unit: Oh, I Know You D'in't.
So, NBC, I've taken it upon myself to save your network. I have five television show ideas for you and I'm available immediately to start writing/consulting/directing/starring — you know, whatever I can do to help. Call me.
I Can't Really Remember The '80s…with Beth. You've all read about my dear friend Frugal Beth on the blog. She's great, but she gets absolutely zero '80s references and says she doesn't "remember" the '80s. I say throw her in a room with Flava Flav and Ozzy and see what happens. A big screen would show video clips and we'd hear Beth say "no, I don't remember that" and Ozzy would mumble something, then Flava Flav would go "boyeeeee" for no reason. It would be ratings gold in the 45+ market.
Kerry Gets a Houseboy will be a guaranteed hit. And don't worry, I'm pretty sure the hubs thinks I already have a houseboy lined up, so it's cool. It's a running joke here in the Faler house, but joke no more! Here's the premise: cute young prospective houseboys try out to be The Houseboy. Each week the houseboys will compete at various tasks such as laundry, dusting, cooking, grocery shopping, party planning, dishes, gardening, and helping with homework. My girlfriends and I will sit on the judging panel, sending one houseboy packing each week. The girlfriends and I will wear caftans and sit on chaise lounges sipping mimosas during judging. I may have a celebrity cougar judge each week. I'm thinking Joan Collins, Ann-Margaret, Susan Sarandon, Sharon Stone.
In the end, I get a houseboy!
Houseboy gets room and board. It's a win-win! I predict mad crazy ratings among women ages 25-95, because let's face it, this show will be basically porn for women: hot guys doing housework. How bad could that be?
And it could be re-run on Bravo or Logo a millions times a day. The gays would love my show. Kerry Gets a Houseboy = ratings gold.
Who Wants To Marry A Guy With Decent Credit? Dana does, that's who. This show will star my friend, Dana, who is single, loves shoes, good books, and cute guys. She doesn't want it all, she just wants a guy with decent credit. Each week in a Bachelor-style rose ceremony, Dana's suitors will have their credit score revealed and Dana will hand them credit cards. If their score isn't up to par, she will say, "I'm sorry, but your card has been declined" and the poor guy will hop into his Ford Festiva and ride off into the sunset. In this economy this show will be ratings gold.
Never Met A Job I Didn't Like will be a dramedy chronicling the misadventures of a cute redheaded 20something who may remind you of someone a lot like me a decade ago. Our heroine puts her best foot forward in adorable mary janes, but somehow manages to get fired from every single job she lands (she quits a few along the way too). She does everything from teach pre-school, work lots of retail, tutor high school kids, take orders for concrete, works for a non-profit, writes a textbook for a correspondence school, and dresses mannequins in a department store. You name it, she's done it — and been fired from it. There are lots of zany bosses, co-workers, and of course her understanding husband who just knows when she wants to answer the classified ad to be the mall Easter Bunny, she's gone a little too far. In this economy this show will be ratings gold.
I Want To Give Andrew McCarthy A TV Show will be a show in which I give Andrew McCarthy a TV show.
Just because I want to see him on my TV every week. That's it. No more guest spots on shows. He needs his own show. Make him a doctor – he's done that, he's been a good TV doctor! Make him lawyer, a writer, a professional bowler — I don't care, just give him a show. I would watch him read the newspaper. It's taken me all night to blog this just because his photo is right there. Look at boyfriend's eyes over there. He needs a TV show. Come on, NBC, you cancelled that Lipstick Jungle show he was in — I say bring his character back and make it The Andrew McCarthy Show. Trust me, there are plenty of other 30something women who have been in love with him since 1986 — this show will be ratings gold!
There you go, NBC. I've done all I can do. I'm only one woman, but I'm doing what I can to help save your network. My show ideas are out there, call me, we'll talk. I don't have an agent, so just have your people call, um, me.