I’ve often felt like Lucille Ball, but lately it’s all the time. Right now, while I’m making rice, which takes 20 minutes to make, I’m going to list 20 reasons why I believe I’m in an unfilmed slapstick comedy,
- This afternoon, the boy child comes in from the backyard and requests a plain slice of bread. Upon my opening the bread, Lucy dog runs in the house, grabs the entire loaf bread and runs back outside.
- I got a splinter in my left index finger yesterday without leaving the house.
- A few minutes ago I accidentally turned the bag of rice upside down and the seam of the bag busted. Rice everywhere. This incident spawned this post.
- The other day at Megan’s house, I drive up and she’s spray painting a giant piece of plywood primer gray, which looked SILVER in the sun. I say, “that would match my car.” She says, “want me to spray that spot?” That would be the place of rust and a dent on my car where I backed into the hubs old car TWICE. I told her to spray it.
- Upon getting two sleeping bags out of the dryer, I saw that I had melted one. Melted a sleeping bag in the dryer, that’s me.
- Yesterday my dog ate a water hose.
- The light has gone out above our stairs, there’s no way I’m changing that bulb. Me on a ladder over the stairs? Ha. ER trip waiting to happen.
- While getting clothes out of the washing machine last week, I backed up and fell into a deep, mostly empty laundry basket and was stuck for a good two minutes. I thought about how long I would try to get out before calling 911 to say “I can’t get out of a laundry basket, send the jaws of life!”
- When the restaurant owner said “have a good lunch” the other day, I said “you too!”
- In the car on Friday, leaving Target and weaving through the road construction, I hit a bump and heard the sound of the boy child’s mini Oreos hitting the car floor. I asked, “did you spill your mini Oreos?” He said, “no, the car did.”
- My lawn man calls the other night and asked if we needed the grass cut, since it’s fall and not really growing. I told him no, but asked if he does mulch and stuff. He said yes and that he’d look at my flower beds next time he’s in my neighborhood, then interjected “I’m over there a lot, since I’m dating your neighbor Whatsherface.” Hello? Are we friends now? I don’t want to know who you’re dating, yard man. I nearly choked on my beverage.
- Unbeknown to me, an ice cube was allowed to melt on my kitchen floor yesterday. I stepped on the water in my slippies, which I wear around the house all the time. Good news is, I can still do the splits all the way down to the floor. Even the French judge would have given me a 10.
- After getting up, I announced “I’m a regular Mary Lou Retton!” to the kids. They have no idea who Mary Lou Retton is. Lord, I’m old. Then I hit my arm on the kitchen island and now have a giant bruise.
- I was using kitchen tongs as castanets (the little “clink-clink” instrument you wear on your fingers) while singing along to music and cooking this evening and pinched the fire out of my finger. But the tongs sounded excellent with the song. The song was “Dance Anthem of the 80’s” by Regina Spektor.
- Last night I wasn’t feeling so hot, so I watched a little Ricky Gervais’ “Animals” stand-up show to cheer me up. I nearly choked to death on a Milk Dud when he did the bit about koala bears and human finger prints being so similar that they could be confused at the scene of a crime. And what crime would this be?” he says, “the great eucalyptus robbery?” My life nearly ended by choking on a Milk Dud laughing.
So, I could only do 15 in 20 minutes. Sue me. More nonsense soon.
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