I enjoy a good curse word from time to time.  I tend not to pepper my everyday speech (okay, not every hour) with foul language because it loses effect and makes one sound like a sailor going around saying "I'd like a motherf*ckin' iced tea."  And so, years ago, probably around the time my first child was born, I started saying anti-curse words that are acceptable to say in any situation.  

My grandmother always said "she-I-T," saying the word she and spelling I and T.  When I was a kid and teenager, I found this hysterical, because everyone knew she cursing.  

 I like my anti-cursing better.  My super mega favorite phrase is "Flip Wilson," because it starts with F and has an impact and because it is out there, so if people overhear you, they're all "say what?" and you're all "you know, Flip Wilson" then they look at you at you like they've never heard anyone use a dead black comedian's name as an expletive before.  Some people.  Losers.  

Maybe it's because Flip Wilson was black.  If that's the case, then people are just damn racists and there is no room for that on my blog.  AND I WILL TURN THIS BLOG AROUND RIGHT NOW!  

Another great anti-curse word is "MaHAILia!"  You can also try "oh MaHAILia" or variations on that theme. 

The only other ant-curse phrase I use is "shut the front door" and I think we all know what that is the substitute for.  

I do know that when my children grow up they will tell people their mother used to yell deceased black performers names when I stubbed my toe or said "shut the front door!" on the phone with a friend and they'd look to see that the door was in fact closed.  They will be confused, but at least I'm not cursing like a sailor.  

My children also know that I have a thing for nicknames.  I think I get this from my grandmother too, who called me Puddin' Dumplin', which got shortened to Pud in later years.  I like to nickname people.  It's fun.  Try it.  The many nicknames for the munchkins are as follows: Puddin' Pop, Puddin' Pop America, and Snack Pack (which also has to do with pudding), as well as Muffinhead, Punkin' Muffin, and Snuggle Muffin.  I don't know where the pudding and muffin thing came from.  I don't even like pudding and muffins all that much.  Okay, I love a banana nut muffin, but I'm more of a loaf-bread person.  Give me a zucchini bread or a pumpkin bread any day of the week and I'm one happy redheaded chick.

I've had nicknames for the hubs, but they've never stuck.  His entire family calls him "Scotty," which I will say to get his attention, and only to get his attention, because hearing that is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I've tried  Scotch, Scooter, Fred Flinstone-head (have you seen his head?  totally Fred Flintstone!), but nothing sticks.  

Then there are my good friends.  Y'all have read about Frugal Beth.  The woman is frugal – even though I did witness her (gasp!) throw some paper bigger than a postage stamp away at ScrapFest.  I call my friend and bizness partner, Megan, Snack Shack and Lunchbox for absolutely no reason.  No idea where those names came from.  Jennifer is Jenny From the Block.  Kim has always been Country Kim.  Darla is Dar to me and she is one of the few people who calls me Ker.  Anna Bess is AB, but I'm sure I didn't give her that nickname.  

I've come up with many random nicknames for friends over the years, but my favorite multipurpose name is Honey Bunches of Oats, which I use as a term of endearment for people I really care about.  If I call you Honey Bunches of Oats, you are in my inner circle.  Some of you know this.  

Why Honey Bunches of Oats?  Because! it is only the best cereal of all time and I would only call my loved ones something based on something superfantastic. Duh.  I am not kidding when I tell you that when I first saw the commercial for Honey Bunches of Oats: Just Bunches, I said out loud, "this changes everything."  Yes, I am a little dramatic.  I'm not even a breakfast person, I just like Honey Bunches of Oats – With Almonds.  Yes, it has to be With Almonds or I don't want any part of it.  

What about my nicknames?  Well, I was Kerry B for a long time and I'm ReeRee to a few people and Aunt ReeRee to a couple of munchkins.  And I'm Mom.  And I think those are pretty cool.  Now, if I could only start getting the kids to start calling me Queen Mother.

So, I spent half the day at my OB/GYN's office and I have a few ideas to make the experience a bit more tolerable.  Perhaps I should make something clear: I have zero medical training (unless you count CPR class), but I feel I am qualified to make this manifesto because:

1. I am a woman; and 2. I have been a patient at exactly six OB/GYN offices.  That's right, six.  I've lived in a bunch of towns and approximately  42 medical professionals have seen me naked, maybe more.  I have zero modesty.  None.  Oh, number 3 — I have borne three children and thus have spent a great deal of time in OB/GYN offices.  I know what I'm talking about.  I should be a consultant for doctors opening offices, seriously.

The OB/GYN Manifesto

American woman have endured many things — ill-fitting bras, bad boyfriends, cramps — but we will endure bad  OB/GYN office visits no longer.  Women have needs.  We need more.  The wonderful thing about America is that we have choices, for the most part anyway, and we can choose a doctor that we like.  Unfortunately, the office visit is not as pleasant as the relationship a woman forms with her doctor.  A woman's annual visit to her gynecologist is awkward and uncomfortable.  To make our visits more pleasant, I suggest the following:

1.  Put comfortable chairs in the waiting room if my wait is going to be over an hour.  Massage chairs would be nice.  Maybe bring in a pedicurist.  

2.  Gray is not an acceptable wall color.  It is sterile and depressing.  Think warm colors, something happy.

3.  If you're going to have a television on, put on the Food Network or HGTV, not a local channel with a soap opera.

4.  Music would be good (as long as it's decent).

5.  Magazines are a requirement.  Lots of magazines.  Fairly current.  Catalogs even.  

6.  Ban talking on cell phones in the waiting room.  I had to listen to a tiny blond woman plan her Christmas party for 45 minutes today and talking about how she broke her wrist rollerblading in her neighborhood.  When she ended the call, she started texting.  She hadn't turned off the clicky noise when you type.  It took every ounce of self-control I possess to not take her iPhone and throw it into the water fountain.  

7.  Forget the water fountain and put in a margarita machine.  

8.  Offer complimentary socks in the exam room.  It's cold in there and socks don't always go with my outfit.  

9.  Make sure all the signs in your office are spelled correctly.  It's called spellcheck, use it.

10. If you're going to have art on the walls, for goodness sakes, make sure it's not portraits with eyes that follow you — it's a doctor's office, not the damn Haunted Mansion.  

11. On the scale,  have it say "superfantastic!" or "way hot" or "did you lose weight?" instead of numbers.  I'm sure the numbers could show up behind where we stand on the scale for you to see, but why don't we use this as an opportunity to boost our self-esteem?  It could be a win-win!

12. Do something about those exam gowns.  Pink, maybe an animal print, or a Snuggie.

13. Why not put in a skylight or something for me to look at while I'm in the stirrups?  

14.  Speaking of the stirrups — this is not the time for small talk.  We all know what's going on here, no need to ask about the kids or if I have weekend plans.  The only plans I have right now are to get dressed and get the hell out of there.  

15. Compliment my earrings.  It's hard to accessorize when planning the annual exam, a great deal of thought went into this.  Now that I think about it, you could accessorize as well.  Maybe one of those tuxedo-tshirts under your scrubs.  It's just an idea.

Together we can make this a better experience.  

Love,