2008 year end wrap-up

I'm not sure if you've heard, but it's the end of this year. Look at a calendar, you'll see. So, the journalist in me thought I'd give you a year end wrap-up, being that I'm a news junkie I can't help myself. I've scanned all my usual news sites and my favorite list comes from CNN/Time. They have the Top 10 everything stories, from straight news to the top 10 Late Night Jokes, it's worth checking out. But, because I'm me, the list that caught my eye was the Top 10 Oddball News Stories of the year. That's a list I can get into. Let me start by saying the story names are from CNN/Time, but the writer has my sense of humor. Particularly for #5.

1. The Pregnant Man — trans-gendered Thomas Beatie gave birth to a baby girl in June. Beatie was using testosterone therapy and underwent chest reconstruction, but kept his girly parts and was artificially inseminated because his wife had had a hysterectomy. He went talk shows, 20/20, Oprah felt his baby belly and everything. Oh, and guess what? He's preggo again. Personally, I don't think this is a big story. Um, he still has a uterus and a vajayjay, so yeah, he can have babies just like me and almost every other person born a girl. Now, if I don't know, Tom Selleck were preggo — that would be news. Anderson Cooper would be all up in that action with the first interview and Oprah would have a fit.

2. Night of the Corpse Skull Bong — 3 Texas teens not only robbed a grave, but cleaned up a skull to turn into a bong. The idiot that confessed was sentenced to 8 months in the county jail for abuse of a corpse. Damn. When I was a teenager we used to prank call people and stay out past curfew. I was a goody goody, but some of my friends did at least commit misdemeanor crimes and though I did hear tales of hi jinks, grave robbing never came into play. At least not that I know of. My friends weren't into drugs either, but I would think if they had been, human remains wouldn't be at the top of the list for making bongs. Again, I am assumming. For all I know, they were smokin' crack out of Elvis' sideburns. Really, I wouldn't have put it past some of my high school punk-ass boyfriends to rob a grave. I dated some high class morons, some day I'll tell some stories.

3. Strange Things Afoot in Vancouver — 6 severed human feet have been found on the shores of
British Columbia since August 2007. Medical experts believe the feet were "detached naturally" from bodies floating in the ocean and have washed up on the beaches. Um, dude, are there that many dead bodies just floating around up there? Seriously? And can we just talk for a minute about the poor people who stumbled upon these feet? I could never go to the beach again. I guarantee you I'll never go to a beach in Vancouver. When we lived in Canada, my bookclub friend, Paula, was from Vancouver and she never mentioned the washed-up feet. And she was the outdoorsy-type (complete opposite of me, hence the bookclub), so I'm sure she went to the beach. Who's up for a vacay to B.C.?

4. Virgin Shark Mother

a female Atlantic
blacktip shark named Tidbit. Tidbit, who died due to pregnancy
complications — the pup, also deceased, was discovered inside her womb
after her death — had produced the offspring without the help of a shark
father. The asexual reproduction, known as parthenogenesis, occurred
at an aquarium in Virginia Beach, VA and the October announcement was only the second documented case in shark history.

Y'all — I wouldn't attempt to paraphrase that one. First of all — virgin shark. WTF? Second, asexual reproduction is freakish. I wouldn't trust any animal who could reproduce by itself. If an animal can Xerox itself, that's pretty much cloning as far as I'm concerned. Not that I learned that in biology or anything ('cause Lord knows I wasn't paying attention and I was probably writing Mrs. Andrew McCarthy on my notebook) and I'm far from being a science whiz. Unless it's the science of love, of which I have a PhD.

5. She Ain't Heavy, She's My Partially Absorbed Embryonic Twin

When doctors examined a 9-year-old Greek girl complaining of a stomach
ache, they were startled to discover the cause: an embryonic twin the
girl had absorbed while in the womb. The girls' abdomen was swollen
with the growth, which surgeons removed safely. "Vanishing Twin
Syndrome" is not entirely uncommon — experts say it occurs as often as
1 in 8 pregnancies — but the vast majority of vanished twins are
completely absorbed by the surviving twin or by the mother before birth.

Shut up. I've spent A LOT of time in OB/GYNS offices and I've never heard of this in real life. Yes, I've seen the documentary on TLC, but for realz, y'all. Damn. Absorbed? No. Viva paper towels absorb, not people. Can you imagine being told this info in the doctor's office? I wouldn't need anestetic for the surgery, I'd go into a coma right there. Have you noticed 3 of these stories have had to deal with pregnancy? I'm glad the reproductive chapter in my life is over because I couldn't take this crap.

6. Second Life Divorce — follow me on this one. A real-life British couple were apparently really involved in an online role-playing game called Second Life (I've never heard of it, but it sounds just lovely) and the wife caught her husband "cheating" with a Second Life prostitute, who in real life is a divorced mom from Arkansas. The Brit courts saw online cheating as grounds for their real divorce AND now the guy is engaged to the woman he "cheated" with online — in real life. Did you get that? I'm getting a headache just trying to process that. The only role-playing games I'm familiar with are action games, not people being prostitues online. Is that what our world of technology has turned into? Online prostitutes? I suppose you can't get STDs from computer sex, but you could get a computer virus, perhaps.

7. Fish Pedicures — The practice of plunging feet into a tub of tiny carp called garra
rufa, which nibble on dead skin, was popular in some Asian countries
and became an American craze after John Ho, a Virginia salon owner,
announced he had offered the treatment to 5,000 customers over a
four-month period. Soon, pedicurists all over the country were ordering
thousands of
the fish, which are said to help soften the skin in advance of normal,
human-administered pedicures. Unfortunately for some salon owners who
had already ordered the fish, Washington and Texas quickly banned the
practice
on sanitary grounds.
Oh, hell to the no. I love a pedicure, but there's no way on Earth I'm sticking my feet in a tub of itty bitty dead-skin eating fish. That's sick. What the hell are people thinking? This is disturbing. Damn, why not use a freakin' dingo from the outback or a damn grizzly bear to give your tootsies a rub down? What's the punk-ass salon owner going to do next, get wasps to sting you and call it botox?

8. Breast Milk Ice Cream — PETA wrote an open letter to Ben & Jerry's telling them to use breast milk instead of cow's milk. PETA later said it was a gimmick. Really? Now, I'm all for breast feeding, I nursed three babies, but I draw the line at ice cream. And I'm all for ice cream, too, just make mine with cow's milk, please.

9. Bigfoot Lives! No, Really! — Ok, here's my summary: a couple of guys in Georgia told the world they found bigfoot and had its corpse in a freezer and CNN and a bunch of news people went nuts when a bigfoot expert went to see it. The dudes put up a website, had videos on YouTube, and people ate it up. Of course, it was a bigfoot costume in a freezer and those guys are back to watching Larry the Cable Guy on Comedy Central. Yeah, if bigfoot exists, two rednecks will find it, I'm sure of that. I'm actually going to give these guys props, they sold it and people bought it! Oh, by the way, I've got a unicorn in my backyard and some leprechauns in my garage. CNN, you listening? Just be careful when you go in the backyard, the unicorn's tame, but my dragon gets a little hot around strangers. By the way, is this not the best photo ever? I think it's t-shirt worthy.

10. Your Money For My Life

After his wife left him, Ian Usher decided to make a clean break from his
old existence as a rug salesman in Perth, Australia. So he took the next
logical, if extreme, step, and put his entire life up for sale on eBay. On
the auction block, sold only as a package, were Usher's three-bedroom house,
his 1989 Mazda sedan, a jet ski, his computer, his furniture, an
introduction to his friends and a tryout at his sales job. The bids rolled
in and Usher, 44, ended up collecting around $380,000. He later said he had
hoped his life would sell for more, but he still had enough to finance phase
II of his unusual midlife crisis, embarking on a massive trip around the
world to complete a hundred life goals in a hundred weeks.

That's pretty awesome. Who hasn't wanted to start all over after an extremely stressful period? The rug salesman put his whole life on eBay! It would be strange to watch the bids roll in for your life, wouldn't it? When I've sold a few things on eBay, I was excited to see people bid on stuff, but I don't know how I would react to selling all the tangible things in my life. Here's what my auction listing would include: 4 bedroom house, Town & Country minivan with a dent on the back right bumper, 7 or 8 magazine subscriptions, my Vera Bradley collection, pink Dyson vacuum and pink handvac, fantastic record collection, a closet full of clothes in a range of sizes to accommodate the most discriminating yo-yo dieter, co-ownership of a small scrapbook business, an introduction to my friends (who rock the house, btw), a husband who loves scuba diving and video games, and 3 kids who are super adorable, but don't listen worth a flip. Oh, and ton of laundry that's currently blocking the doorway to the laundry room. What would the starting bid be? How would you decide that? I'm not sure. My auction listing title would be "Get a Life." Maybe the bigfoot guys would buy it. They need one.

Well, peeps, that's my year in review. I stayed away from the obvious stories because we all know about those, you've heard all the commentary you need about Palin, Obama, gas prices, the economy, and Iraq. Where are you going to hear about the virgin shark mother and fish pedicures if I don't blog about them? This blog's tagline should be "pondering the innane, so you don't have to." Once again, the Kerry Blog delivers on that promise!

Friends and peeps, there are lots of fun things coming up this week — my new scrap office will be revealed (before and after pics), pics of recent layouts and a trip down memory lane with a look at my first foray into scrapbooking from back in '99! And my New Year's resolutions, so check back for more fun than you can shake a paint stick at.

day after Christmas ramblings

I hope your Christmas was a special one. Our's certainly was (all three Christmases.) Last night before bed, my oldest said it was her favorite Christmas ever and the crazy middle one gave a toast over pizza at dinner (I made Christmas lunch, the kids at pizza for dinner) she said "cheers to Christmas and the birf of Jesus!" She can't say words that end in TH. It was a nice moment.

When I was a little girl Christmas was all about family and for me, it still is. Every year on Christmas Eve we would go to my Mammaw Lewis' little house for dinner with my mom's side of the family and it was always a lot of fun. My great-grandmother made these sweet carrots I loved and she had always had a little tree that sat on top of a table. My great aunts and uncles and cousins were there and we had lots of presents to open. Every year we knew it was time to go home when the weatherman on the local news said Santa had been spotted in the area. I loved Christmas Eve, it was a special night and it didn't have anything to do with the Santa. My great-grandmother, Katie Lewis, passed away the Christmas after the hubs and I were married. We had long stopped the Christmas Eve tradition after she moved in with my grandparents as she got older, but it gave me the same feeling to have spent one last Christmas with her.

On the right is a familiar sight — Christmas morning. Change a few things in the picture and it could be present day, but it's my sister, Otto the dachshund, and I in 1981. That was the year Santa brought my Barbie Townhouse and I knew he had to be real. Of course, the next year I found out the cruel, hard truth and I'm sure that's what set me on the path to cynicalville you see today. Did anyone else equate the authenticity of Santa Claus with the quality of presents you received? I don't know about everyone else, but when I got the Barbie Townhouse with a working elevator it pretty much blew my mind. I have to admit, the whole elevator-thing ruined the real estate experience for me as an adult. We lived in a 3 story townhouse in Canada, but there was no elevator. The hubs' aunt has a townhouse in Metairie with an elevator. It's a real-life Barbie Townhouse, only it's not pink and the elevator isn't run by pulling a string. If I lived there, I'd paint the whole thing pink and hang out in the hot tub all the time. Then if I got bored, I'd take my pink Corvette out with Ken, Midge, and Skipper — well, not Skipper, I never liked that whiny beyotch.

If you were a kid in the 80's like me, you remember the goofy toys we had. Check out the little squirrels I'm holding in the photo. Those babies were a little rodent family called the Woodsies that came with a little fabric log that was their house and little squirrel furniture. How weird is that? I don't know what my sister is trying to keep my disinterested dog out of — she always had the weirdest taste in toys. Does anyone remember the Monchichies? If not, maybe this will refresh your memory.

Y'all, that's some freakiness going on right there. What crack smoking toy exec came up with those? My sister loved those damn Monchichi monkey puppet dolls. Over the years in my world the word monchichi has somehow morphed into a term of endearment for children — I don't know how or why, but call kids monchichies — not just mine, all children. Munchkins and monchichies.

At some point in adolescence I became less interested in my own gifts and focused on giving. Trust me, it was not some highly spiritual epiphany that came to me; although it was around the same time I became a Christian, so maybe it wasn't a coincidence after all. Anypresent, I didn't care too much about what I received, it was all about finding the perfect gift for friends and family and wrapping it in Martha Stewart fashion. I went to extremes. I went to such extremes in gift-giving that the band Extreme was all "damn, we better change our name, this chick's making us look bad." Friends will know what I'm talking about. If you asked me for a book, you'd better believe I was going to try to find the first edition. I was nuts. With the invention of eBay, I'm sure I'm worse now, although I try to not go overboard anymore.

I still refuse to use those plasticky stick-on bows and just any paper. I'm a gift wrap snob and I'm not afraid to admit it. It's real ribbon (I've also been known to use ric rac, pompons, and felt) and heavy paper, no drugstore stuff, mainly Hallmark. Last week I realized I had left the tissue paper and enclosure at home when I got to the pack and ship place to mail a few gifts and I had to take a moment, count to 10 and tell myself it wasn't a big deal. I'm pretty sure when the magi showed up with their gifts for Jesus they didn't have polka dot tissue paper and monogrammed gift enclosures. But then again, when you're giving gold, who cares how it's wrapped? Although I'm more of a silver person.

EDIT: Because I'm a giver, this is for Jenn because she said I have the innate ability to transport her to "back in the day," which is of course, my goal in life. Yes, it's the Popples commercial. Popples are the bastardized stuffed animal ball-thing that haunts Jenn's dreams!

have yourself a merry little Christmas

Dear Friends and Readers,

It's Christmas Eve and I'm thinking about this holiday and how much it means to me. It's always been my favorite holiday, even with all the chaos that's always surrounded it as a child and now that I have children of my own. As we celebrate the birth of our Savior and reflect on what that means in our own lives, I hope you will take the time to tell the people close to you what they mean to you. While wrapping presents today, I asked my daughters what Christmas is all about and I was so happy to hear them say it's about Jesus' birth and giving. It was a proud mom moment.

Being that I'm not actually Santa Claus, I knew it would be impossible give each of you a gift personally, but I hope this will do. I'm posting two videos that say Christmas to me and I hope you enjoy them. The first is my favorite Christmas song, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," this is the Coldplay version. A few hundred versions are out there, I have my favorites and I like this one. The Judy Garland original is awesome, and although I love Ella Fitzgerald's version, it's a little too up tempo for my present mood, which is reflective and actually peaceful. All of the covers of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" are for your Tunes Tuesday. Go visit YouTube for a few dozen versions. Sinatra's is fab, but pass on Xtina Aguilera. Here' the lyrics for you in case you haven't committed them to memory.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay
From now on, our troubles will be far away

Here we are, as in olden days
Happy golden days of your
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us
Once more

Through the years, we all will be together
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now

That's Christmas. That's what this holiday is to me: friends, family, and forgetting your troubles while you're together.

The second video is one of the best pieces of television ever aired.
It's Linus' speech from the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. I've been
watching it my entire life and it always brings me joy at Christmas.
The way Linus quotes the book of Luke and then tells Charlie Brown, "that's what Christmas is all about" is pure Christmas Magic. There's something about the belief of a child that trivializes your
worries and brings things into perspective that makes all the chaos and insanity of the weeks before Christmas melt away. I hear it in my children's voices. To hear my daughters say Christmas is about giving is immensely gratifying and lovely to a mother's ear. It makes me think maybe they are listening to me after all, maybe the commercialism of the season isn't ruining the meaning of Christmas after all. That is a blessing and I am grateful for that.

I am also grateful for each and everyone who reads this blog. I wanted to thank you for spending some of your time with me and tell
all of you how much I appreciate your comments and emails. The words
I've head from you make writing worth it. I have such wonderful
friends and readers, y'all are just superfantastic and I wish you the merriest of Christmases.

Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night,
Kerry

holiday pet peeves: edition 5

After spending half the morning looking for my glasses, now I can see to blog.

The Christmas Letter in lieu of a perfectly fine card is something that annoys me to no end. I have friends who send these and I mean no harm, really, it's just the idea of it. Since I received the first of many Christmas letters years ago, I have pretty much hated the thought of them.

Last year at MOPS Convention, author Julie Barnhill echoed my feelings and spoke about it. She encouraged us to write a "reality Christmas letter" and I printed mine in our MOPS newsletter. I rather enjoyed that exercise in honesty. But for a moment, indulge me in what the majority of Christmas letters sound like. Let me give you an example, totally made up, by me.

Dear Family and Friends,

Holiday greetings from the Perfect Family! We hope this letter finds you well and in the holiday spirit. So much has happened this year and we'd love to share how great the Lord has been to us in 2008.

Back in the spring, John was promoted to Chief Officer in Charge of Everything Important with his company. Of course this came with a hefty increase in salary and the best parking spot in company parking garage where he parks his new hybrid Hummer that runs on only electricity and good thoughts. In the fall, John headed up the church mission trip to Timbuktu where he baptized nearly all of the indigenous people of the area and started a school for blind children and their seeing eye monkeys. I'm just so proud of him and all the good he's done! He even asked that I make a donation to the Foundation for Seeing Eye Monkeys instead of getting him a Christmas gift this year. He only thinks of others!

In case you didn't hear, Mary was valedictorian of her graduating class in May and is attending Juliard on a violin scholarship. We could not be more pleased. Unfortunately, Mary will be unable to come home for Christmas, as she has been selected to perform at Carnegie hall with Yo Yo Ma for the big Christmas concert. The concert will be televised on PBS as part of the annual "Christmas with the Prodigies" program. It's so nice that she is being featured a second time!

John, Jr is no slouch himself! He's the only sophomore to letter in football, baseball, basketball, and synchronized swimming in the history of Our Lady of Perpetual Perfection School for the Gifted.

And me? Well, it's the same old same old with me. Once again I chaired the annual Locks of Love Hair Raising Ball and set a new record for the most hair cut. It was quite a success, but you know I'm not one to brag. Next spring I'll be going back to school to complete my third Masters, this time in Marine Biology. I was so inspired when we took our vacation to Atlantis and swam with the dolphins that I just had to learn more about our friends in the sea! Going back to school will leave little time for my little hobby, showing champion Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. I must admit, I will miss going to Westminster next year, but I think little Prince Kajagoogoo Pumpernickle will miss the show even more!

Well, that's it from our little family. We wish you the happiest of Christmases and a blessed and bountiful new year.
The Perfect Family

I don't know about you, but stuff like that makes me want to throw up. Here's what the Kerry Christmas Letter would sound like.

Dear Friends and Family,

I'm sorry I'm so late in getting this out, hopefull you will receive it by the New Year. Anyway, Merry Christmas!

We've been so busy this year I've hardly found time to get this letter together, but I know how much everyone looks forward to our holiday updates, so I'm writing in a hurry. Where to start? Well, Scott is hard at work looking for work and doing little "honey do" projects around the house. Last week he attended a meeting for his professional organization where he won a gift basket of beer from around the world! I'm just so proud.

Molly is doing well in her second year of first grade. She failed the school eye exam and had to get glasses, which she loves. This year her much loved cat, Tinkerbell, ran away after we put her outside for a little bit when she jumped out at the kids on the stairs and scared them to death. Molly asks if Tinkerbell will ever come back and I always tell her there is always a chance, but I'm almost positive she has been eaten by something.

Our high-spirited daughter Katie is quite something. She's loving Kindergarten and is very fond of the cafeteria. We're working with her on her irrational fear of bears and smoke detectors, hopefully she will not need therapy to get over her phobias. And we're happy she's down to three or four tantrums a day and only telling me to be nice or Santa will not put anything in my stocking once a day.

The baby, 3 year-old Andrew, is working on getting potty trained, hopefully that will happen before the landfills are full of Pull-Ups. He is still not talking as much as he should be and we're enrolling him in speech as soon as the speech people call me back, which at this point should be sometime before he's 12. Of course, he may not be potty trained by then, so no one may notice his speech. Andrew is also working hard at destroying our home by painting the living room carpet yellow, writing on walls, and pouring tea on the sofas. He is so talented at deconstruction, I'm sure he will be an artist one day.

And me? Well, it's the same old same old. I tried Nutrisystem in my endless search of diets that work and lost one size in three months! I gave up my position in MOPS to have more time for ScrapFest! and the family, and I'm trying my best no to volunteer for anything for a while. Ironically, since I've decreased responsibilities, my medication has increased. Funny how that works.

Well, that's it from our little family. We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy new year!
The Faler Family

That's more like it. That's wonderfully ordinary and truthful and I love that. I'd rather get a picture-card of your dog dressed as Rudolph than most of the Christmas letters I've read. And I hate those picture-cards of dressed-up pets. You know your dog thinks you're a moron when you put antlers on him and an elf hat on the cat. It's a good thing pets can't talk because there would be a lot of upset pet owners at Christmas time. That's all my pet peeves for today. I'm off to track some packages online, seems Santa isn't as fast as he used to be. Be good, peeps.

stupid hormones

http://www.someecards.com/usercards/someEcards.swf

what the hell Friday: my thunder has been stolen

So, since yesterday was a snow day and I have been essentially trapped in my home with a feverish 3 year-old this week, I made a break for it and went to Target. What a great idea that was. Apparently everyone was thinking the same thing.

After getting tissue paper and tape, my Frizz Ease Secret Weapon (love that stuff), and milk, I made my way to the scrapbooking aisle as I always do. I can spot anything new on that aisle because I'm like a scrapbook hawk looking for prey. On first glance I saw nothing new, until some funky rub-ons caught my eye.

Y'all, someone needs to call the po-lice 'cause my thunder has been stolen. Some scrapbook company (I've already forgotten the name) has taken MY catchphrases and turned them into rub-ons. What the hell? Oh, I'm sure that will be on the next series of rub-ons! Damn. I say shut up! all the time. I've said it for years and I say it to everyone, it's like saying "oh, really?" or the equivalent, but with more chutzpah. This blew my little mind. I stood in the scrapbook aisle dumbfounded. This has to be the second or third time in the past month that I've thought, "ooo — I should make that a product!" only to find out it already exists in the retail market. As a conspiracy theorist, I'm sure either my van is bugged (b/c that's where I do most of my thinking outloud) or my iPhone is being tapped and someone is getting all of the fantabulous ideas I tell my friends.

So, if that weren't enough, I start flipping throught the little pad and find oh snap!, seriously, boo yah! and fo shizzle! What the hell? I am really the only person I know who uses all of those phrases on a regular basis and I KNOW I'm the only 34 year-old white chick who uses boo-yah! and fo shizzle in public. This is when I thought about calling the management over, but I knew that wouldn't help. So, I documented my findings and bought the rub-on pad for evidence. I plan on calling my tv boyfriend, Anderson Cooper, to get CNN on this story, 'cause I'm sure this is right up there with the recession, the auto bailout, and Linens and Things and KB Toys closing (and yes, for those of you in the know, my maiden name started with a B, hence Kerrybee, and when I was a kid I thought the store was named for me, made sense when I was 6). I would say I should start my own scrapbooking news program on the web, but I'm sure someone would take that idea, too. If the rub-on pad would have had for realz, whatev, and no big — I would have called somebody. Maybe someone's stealing my identity. Ha. I've got news for them, it ain't worth stealing.

So, on another note, Target now has little painted canvas plaques you can totally make yourself for maybe $4. I found one that may be my motto for 2009, c'est la vie. I don't know why I decided to make a self-portrait because as you know I'm not one to turn the camera around. Just kind of fitting today. And if I'm ever arrested, maybe they'll let me use this as my mugshot. And my expression goes with the expression, if you know what I mean. Yes, I'm wearing a ScrapFest! shirt. Y'all have a nice weekend. I'm hoping to get some rest and do something fun. You do the same.

Christmas shopping guide: idea #5 (this looks a little familiar edition)

Y'all, I don't know whether to be flattered or frightened. Perusing my favorite blogs as I do everyday, I came to Manolo for the Big Girl, which is a funny plus-sized fashion blog that I love. Today they featured an Etsy shop, Mamacitabeadworks, and their hand-cast pewter pendants — well, you know I love the accessories, so I had to check them out. If you could have seen the look on my face when I saw this gorgeous pendant:

Um, yeah. They call this the Mamacita pendant. It looks a little familiar, I can't quite put my finger on it, hmm. Seems like I saw something like that when I stepped out of the shower this morning. Oh. Wow. I'm calling it the "looks a lot like Kerry pendant." I think I'm safe to say not many of my readers have seen me nekkid (unless those pics got out on the Interwebs), but now — well, there's really no need.

I should Photoshop some clothes on Mini Kerry over there. It's funny, I don't remember posing for jewelry line. With my memory you'd think I'd remember something like that.

I'm throwing out all my mirrors now that I can see myself in pewter form. I look great! Take that, supermodels!

Really, Mamacitabeadworks has more than my pendant, their shop is pretty cool and they even have buttons. Who makes buttons? I didn't know you could just make buttons. I thought they came from the button fairy or something.

_______________________________________________________________________

Ok, it's way late to still be up, but with the OCD, I have to finish watching this documentary I started watching on synchronized swimming. I will watch a documentary on paint drying. Docs are my fave, we go way back. I should have been a documentary film maker. I'll tell you the funniest thing I've heard all day — the synchronized swimmers pratice in front of mirrors at home and that's called "land training." THEY THINK THEY ARE FREAKIN' MERMAIDS! This is so awesome. These chicks are hard core! OMG, there is one boy in the group. Dear sweet mother of Aquaman, he wants to push for men to be able to compete in the olympics in "syncho" as he calls it. More like psycho. He swam in a duet with a girl and the routine was called Adam and Eve. No lie. I am speechless. I'll tell you what this is — this is unfreakingbelievable. I've got to watch this — enough blogging for tonight I'm totally into "syncho!" Viva la syncho!

one word

got this from Melissa this morning and thought I'd post my answers in case I dont' get anything else up today.

One Word

TYPE ONLY 1 WORD. IT'S HARDER THAN YOU THINK!!!

1. Where is your cell phone? purse

2. Your significant other? asleep

3. hair? frizzcity

4. Your mother? Connie

5. Your father? Gary

6. Your favorite thing? iPhone

7. Your dream last night? weird

8. Your favorite drink? tea

9. Your dream/goal? thin

10. The room? kitchen

11. Your fear? alone

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? here

13. Where were you last night? home

14. What you're not? telepathic

15. Muffin? please

16. One of your wish list items? scanner

17. Where you grew up? crazytown

18. The last thing you did?? dishes

19. What are you wearing? pink

20. Your TV? Spongebob

21. Your pet? Lucy

22. Your computer? blue

23. Your life? good

24. Your mood? anxious

25. Missing someone? greatly

26. Your car? mess

27. Something you're not wearing? makeup

28. Favorite Store? Target

29. Your favorite color? pink

30. favorite holiday? Christmas

31. When is the last time you laughed? today

32. Last time you cried? Tuesday?

33. Who will/would re-post this? fools

34. Four places I go over and over? Target, church, Chick-fil-a, crazy

35. Four people who e-mail me (Regularly)? Beth, Jenn, Melissa, Scott

36. Four of my favorite foods? enchiladas, cookies, icecream, cheese

37. Four places I would rather be right now? bed, shopping, retreat, 1990

38. Four people I think will respond: Jenn, Mandy, Beth, ?

directions:

Here's what you're supposed to do…and please don't spoil the fun…is to CUT & PASTE delete my answers, type in your answers and send it to a bunch of people? including me.

Kerry's note: I just did this while I was waiting for the coffee to brew. Forgive me if the answers (however true) aren't very sharp 'cause I'm still not awake.

BTW, read on nola.com this morning that St. Tammany is getting some virtual learning thing for the schools. I laughed at that. I think my entire high school experience was virtual, 'cause my brain was someplace else most of the time. Really.

It's 11 am and I'm just now posting this. Good grief it's been a long morning. When is naptime already?

announcing the “it’s beginning to look a lot like excess” contest!

EDIT: you may submit as many entries as you wish. There is no fine print for Kerry Blog contests. Just fun. And sneaky taking of photographs. And snarky captioning. Ok, go.

Ever the industrious elf, I've decided to run a contest and even made a banner in the damn devil's creation known as Photoshop to go with it. Never say I'm not dedicated to this damn blog. I'm cursing more today than usual because of Photoshop and its infernal ways.

That's right friends and peeps, it's the Kerry Blog Ugly-Ass Holiday Decoration Contest: it's beginning to look a lot like excess. Take a photo of the tackiest house in your neighborhood and send in your entry to kerrybee7@yahoo.com. We will have a vote and the winner (loser) will be announced on Christmas Eve. Of course there will be a prize at stake, and no, I haven't thought that through and will have to decide what the prize will be. Anyreindeer, I assure you, it will be a good prize, but stop thinking it's a luxury car or something of great monetary value because I don't see Lexus or Tiffany's sponsoring the Kerry Blog anytime soon. It's not like I haven't tried, but those beotches at Lexus won't return my phone calls. So, get a move on, get your groove on and send in those tacky-ass house pictures!

getting to know you Christmas

My friend Mandy sent me one of those "getting to know you" Christmas emails where you fill in your answers after you read your friend's, and I thought I'd put my answers up, just in case anyone feels like they need to know more about me. I give and I give, people, 'cause that's the kind of person I am.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Only the best Hallmark wrapping
paper, real ribbon – I am a wrapping paper snob and I know it.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Artificial with lights, I
have allergies and I don’t need another living thing in my house to take care of.

3. When do you put up the tree? In our
dining room, front corner by the windows.

4. When do you take the tree down? Usually
the week after Christmas. I like to
extend my holidays and I'd leave it up and decorate it for each holiday if Scott wouldn't think I was crazy.

5. Do you like eggnog? Fo sho.
With freshly grated nutmeg. I am Martha Stewart.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Oh, that’s a hard one. Three way tie
between my Barbie Dream Townhouse, stuffed cocker spaniel with a fm radio from
Radio Shack (I knew elves didn't make it), or the Lite Brite.

7. Hardest person to buy for? Scott, he never wants anything and says "a hug" then asks what I want and I pull out the giant scroll…

8. Easiest person to buy for? Lucy dog, she never asks
to return anything and everything is always the right color 'cause you know, dogs is color blind.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? I did until a couple of weeks ago when Andrew
decapitated a wise man and amputated two of the camel’s legs. And I almost bought one of the Willow Tree or whatever they're called at the Cracker Barrel — I was thisclose to being sucked in by the Cracker Barrel.

10 WORST GIFT YOU EVER RECEIVED? No idea. Oh ho ho, yes I do.
Let’s see if this individual is reading and/or remembers. I somehow doubt it, because I have a photographic memory for stupid crap. Someone once gave me a book entitled “How to
go to Hell.” Not that it was a bad book, it was quite funny,
but the title just screams Merry Christmas and leave me the hell alone!

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? It's A Wonderful Life

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? End of
Sept, beginning of Oct. But not this year, I've hardly made a dent in my list.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas Present? Well, yes.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Dessert,
candy – divinity, pralines.

16. Lights on the tree? Yes, just as Jesus intended.

17. Favorite Christmas song? “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” love that song. I also love U2's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"

18. Do you travel or stay home at Christmas?
Stay home. I’m not spreading my
Christmas cheer elsewhere, except maybe my Starbucks barista.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? of course, and it’s reindeer, dude.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? a star-shaped cookie, I know, it’s
ridiculous. And it's pink, which is even more ridiculous, but our angel was too big and kept flopping over and that's not a good look, she looked drunk and the kids were asking questions.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Oh, please. We open pressies for almost a week. The Faler Christmas is not for sissies or persons who cannot lift more than so many pounds for that matter.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
Take your pick, the fact that the kids are out of school for 2 weeks, the
traffic, the crowds, the bad Christmas music, having to buy for 6 teachers, the
bus driver, the mail carrier, and everybody in between. Last year I did Starbucks cards, this year I’m
giving a pack of Wrigley’s gum. I’m
starting to sound like Scrooge.

23. What theme or color are you using? Theme? Um, Christmas. Red, green, white, pink, disco balls, pink
flamingos, Elvis impersonators, what kind of question is this?

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? I like
our Christmas Eve dinner, prime rib, veggies, dessert.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Peace in the
Middle East, Amy Winehouse to go to rehab, Andrew to be potty trained, the kids
to put things away without being told, Scott to have a permanent job in town,
me to wake up a size 10, get a Pulitzer Prize for blogging, and for all the
children of the world to hold hands and sing “Happy Christmas (War is Over)” by
John Lennon conducted by John Williams, while dressed as angels with glowing halos.

26. Who is most likely to respond to this? Melissa, maybe.

27. Who is least likely to respond to this? The person who gave me the book I mentioned.

28. Who is most likely to delete this and say
"Huh?" when I mention it? Ha ha, you can’t delete
my blog, you wish.