This is my lip after a fight with my iPhone.
Tip from Kerry: if you're a klutz, don't hold the iPhone over your face and check email while in bed half-asleep.
Category: Kerry
in which Kerry convinces herself of things she already knows
There have been many pets in my life. My first pet was a dog named Shine who "ran away." Then we had a dachshund, Otto, who also "ran away." Next was a cocker spaniel, Sam, who was the best dog ever — you guessed it — "ran away." My parents then got a chow we named Bear who "went to live on a farm." At some point between dogs, I had a gerbil, Penny. I put Penny on the back steps in her cage while I cleaned my room in the middle of the Louisiana summer and when I went to get her later, she was deceased. Once I had a fish that committed suicide by jumping down the garbage disposal while I was cleaning the fishbowl. When I turned 18, my best friend gave me a kitten (Figaro, the best cat ever), who a year and a half later my mom took to the humane society when I was in college (at least she didn't tell me it went to live on a farm). Lastly, the kids had a cat named Tinkerbell who actually did run away almost two years ago. Seriously, why would I lie to you people? The cat ran away. She was declawed, so she was probably met with an unfortunate end with a big dog or some creature from the woods or an alligator.
I have not had the best of luck with animals. Most of that was due to my crazy parents who were obviously not pet people. My family now has a basset hound, Lucy Dog. She's a half inside/half outside dog because she still acts like a puppy and lives for knocking down Andrew, the smallest member of the family. I know I do not need to take on another pet.
So, why am I looking at kittens and puppies in the classifieds of Nola.com? I have obviously lost my mind.
Maybe it has something to do with the kids getting older. It's been an adjustment having Andrew in school everyday, even though it's only two full days and three hours a day on the other three days. I can't deny that it's been a little weird for me now that the baby isn't a baby anymore. Knowing we're not going to have anymore babies, that mothering thing in my head wants to hold on to the baby. That mothering thing in my head has been rather loud lately, saying, "get another pet."
I do not need to take on another pet, I say.
But you love the animals.
But I'm allergic to the animals, I say.
You're already on allergy stuff, it's cool.
But I don't want to take care of another breathing thing, I say.
Oh, but puppies and kitties are so cute.
They are cute, I say.
Remember how great Figaro the cat was?
Yeah, but Tinkerbell the cat was insane, I say.
And she ran away, so that took care of that. You need a pet of your own.
I would really love a cocker spaniel, I say.
Cockers are great. Remember how great Sam was?
That was one great dog, I say.
There are cocker puppies on Nola.com.
Oh, look how cute THAT puppy is, I say.
At this point I realize I have said the last statement out loud and three children come running to the kitchen table to look at the puppy.
I want this puppy. I would name her Sadie and I would let her sleep in my bed. I've never let a dog sleep in my bed, but look at that face. I am in total puppy love with this puppy.
I do not need to take on another pet.
the Kerry blog: now with 80% more randomness
Welcome to my brain today.
Last night I went to bed with a huge sense of relief after finishing my friend's website, ready to dream of rainbows and fluffy kitties and Andrew McCarthy in 1986, but woke up in the middle of a dream where I was having dinner with Jeff Lewis (from Bravo's "Flipping Out") and Anderson Cooper, talking about the balloon boy from Colorado and I'm pretty sure we were at the Red Lobster. What does that mean?
Balloon boy's name is Falcon. Who names a kid Falcon? What are the siblings names? Eagle and Rooster? Sparrow and Ruby-throated Warbler? Finch and Red-breasted Nuthatch? Poor kids.
If I had a red-haired son I would totally call him Rooster as a nickname.
I made the mistake of going to Best Buy today. 42 people asked if they could help me find something, so I finally said yes and asked where the recordable CDs were. Chickie insisted on leading the way, I followed. There were a row of CD-Rs and chickie says, "here are the CD MINUS Rs." Minus. I'm thinking if you use those you'll actually subtract part of your music collection from your iTunes.
No, I didn't correct her. I know the dash means nothing for CDs.
My garbage company hates me. Over the past month, they've cracked the front of the can to where it's barely hanging together and today, somehow they garbage men managed to break a wheel off of the can. If only there was video of my attempt to drag the one-wheeled can back to the garage — it would be a You Tube sensation. Of course, it would have to be bleeped every other word, but a sensation nonetheless.
I dropped an entire pitcher of iced tea on the kitchen floor AGAIN tonight. I have the coordination of a sleepy toddler. I was going to say "drunk toddler," but that would be wrong.
Our modem is trying to die. It's been doing this turn off randomly thing for couple of weeks, then last night it wouldn't come back on for 10 minutes. I called AT&T about the thing today. Chickie tries to get me to "troubleshoot" it. I told her I was damn close to shooting the thing with the rifle and she needed to send me another modem. Chickie verified that we have the extended whatever and says it will be here in 3-5 days. Welcome to Kerry's troubleshooting — it's not working properly, send me a new one. I have PMS, you don't want to try me right now.
At Walgreens, I stood in front of the PMS over-the-counter section for at least five minutes trying to remember what I usually buy. It seems there are many more boxes than before. Drug companies, I have PMS, I don't need options right now. I need a box that says "take this now for your cramps so you don't kill someone with a pen in the parking lot." That's the box for me.
All the ingredients in the PMS medicines are the same, so I don't know why we need 20 to choose from. I picked Midol. And M&Ms. You know, for the extra caffeine in the chocolate.
I saw a commercial tonight for Reese Witherspoon's new perfume. Do y'all remember way back in the day when the
only celebrity who had a perfume was Elizabeth Taylor? Am I the only
one disturbed by the fact that we live in a world where anyone can have
a perfume? Avril "I'm so punk! Look at me, I'm Canadian and I can flip
the bird!" Lavigne and Tim McGraw both have perfumes. I'm unveiling my
new perfume next week. It's called Kerrageous and it has all my
favorite scents in one bottle: geranium, sweet pea, honeysuckle, mint,
chocolate chip cookies, and cornbread. And butter.
Mmm…cornbread.
forecast schmorecast
Kerry's weather forecast is brought to you by the fine people at the pharmaceutical company which keeps her medicated and motivated.
Here is the 10-day forecast for the Covington area:
That's right, a week of storms, lows in the 70s, highs in the 80s, and 90% chance of Kerry losing her mind.
one of those days
It's been one of those days. You know what I mean. I know you do. Shall I expound on my day? Okay.
Let's back up a moment. It's really a carry over from yesterday when the air conditioning was out (it's 90+ degrees here on the Northshore in South Louisiana even thought the calendar says it's October). It was hot. I am not a fan of heat. Like at all. Our a/c man is fantastic and the house started to cool around bedtime (not my bedtime, the children's bedtime), so I was in a much better mood last night.
I went to bed around one. Couldn't shake the static in my brain, of course. Woke up at 5 with a migraine, took some Judy Garland trailmix and tried to go back to bed 'til 6:15, otherwise known as "time to make the doughnuts" as I say every morning when I turn off the iPhone alarm and wake the kids to get ready for the bus. No, I've never made doughnuts.
After I got the kids off, my migraine and I went back to bed. If you've never had a migraine, let me illustrate the feeling: my senses were so heightened that I could smell colors and that made sense. At 9:45 I woke up and made coffee, took a shower, put on another pair of pjs, and sat down to the Macbook Pro for the ENTIRE day. I've been working on a friend's website for about a week and this morning I decided to publish it to the web so I could work out glitches and upload mp3s and all.
Unfortunately, the interwebs hates me.
I deleted the old site, uploaded the new one, but it wasn't there. The error message on the site said something to the effect of "error blah blah blah, this page does not exist on here, fool. Contact the webmaster." This made me laugh until I choked on my coffee and yelled "this shit is bananas," which became the phrase of the day. The webmaster is an idiot. I'd fire her if it were my site.
So, I called my good friend, Frugal Beth to tell her the story because I knew she'd laugh and she asks her professional webdesigner hubs what to do and we got it worked out. Something about publishing to some file blah blah blah awesome. Site was up, buggy, but up. More issues arose, the kids came home crazy, and my friend tells me he bought the new Photoshop Elements 8. Now, I bought PSE 6 a few months ago. This kind of thing makes me crazy. I hopped on apple.com and sho nuff, 8 is out. This shit is bananas.
After putting myself in timeout for a few minutes after telling the kids to stop asking for cookies for the brazillionth time, I returned to the kitchen to see they had eaten the entire bag of Chips Ahoy. I put myself in timeout again to avoid the screaming boiling up from within, then sent the kids upstairs, sat down to the computer again and continued day-o-web frustration.
And then I pondered dinner for at least ten seconds before putting a frozen pizza in the oven (because that's all I could muster up tonight). After calling the hubs' aunt and cousins to ask them to babysit next weekend, I realized I never took the pizza out. I burned the pizza. Nothing like extra crispy blackened pepperoni.
This was not my day.
After burning the pizza, I chatted with my friend while making at least a dozen blog banners for his blog, then finally got the right size. It was bananas. The first one was 20 times too big, then too small — it was like when I try on clothes. Typepad said it was supposed to be so many pixels, wrong. Whatev, they're smokin' crack. I again recited my phrase of the day.
It was about that time that I remembered I forgot to eat dinner, made myself some cereal, and watched Private Practice while trying to upload the mp3s. Two will not work. They must have gotten the memo that the interwebs hates me. It was at this moment that I went to You Tube for some Gwen Stefani. I'm not a fan of the Gwen, but this mix of "Hollaback Girl" with Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" is the bomb, yo. After — no lie — playing this video 7 times, it's been a much better evening. And come on, this shit is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s. Sing along with me.
late night post in which I favor shopping over therapy
It's late. Like 12:44 am late. And I've got my 80's playlist going — The Commodores "Night Shift" is on, y'all.
I can't sleep. Why? Not sure. The children of the corn are all asleep, Lucy dog is too. I'm physically tired, but as usual, my brain won't stop. So, I've been shopping online. I've done quite a bit of online shopping lately. When I say quite a bit, I mean I may have ended the recession myself. Someone call Barack, I deserve some kind of medal of freedom or something.
I'm not in therapy anymore, and I'd rather spend the money on shoes and purses anyway.
So, this is the dress I've decided on for the hubs' reunion.
It's from Lane Bryant. Here are the boots I bought from Zappos to wear with the dress.
How do you like that croco detail? Shut up, that's awesome. They're Naturalizer. I like their boots. Didn't go for a big heel because I like not falling down. You all know my graceful nature.
I just bought this bag, the red will pop with the dress.
And while I was on Zappos getting the boots, look what I found.
These Born maryjanes are the cutest, had to get them — Zappos said there was only one pair left. I'll wear them with jeans and capris. It's just too bad they don't match this bag I just picked up.
Hello, my name is Kerry and I am an emotional shopper (but at least I'll look cute).
what I do when I’m sick
I'm sick. I wouldn't be surprised if you already knew that because I've told everyone. I haven't shouted it from the rooftops, because my throat hurts too much. So, I thought I'd tell you what I do when I'm sick.
1. Watch movies. I've watched 3 or 4 movies today, 2 documentaries from my bed. Not my deathbed, just my bed.
2. Chatted with friends on Facebook. This is something I do everyday, but today my throat hurts too much to talk, so it's Facebook, smoke signals, or gang signs. Oh, and texts and emails, because I don't know Morse code.
3. Played way too much Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook.
4. Scratched off a scratch-off lottery ticket. Megan came by my mailbox and put in one of those chain letter things where you send 6 lottery scratch-offs to someone and you're supposed to get 36. Well, I lost. I'm not doing it.
5. Listened to Andrew tell knock-knock jokes. All of his jokes end with "______ on your head." This grows old after a few jokes.
6. Ordered 3 magazines.
7. Looked at lolcats.
8. Communicated via Barbie walkie-talkie with the children.
9. Taken Tylenol, Advil, and sprayed my throat with Chloraseptic. It still burns. I think I need ice cream.
10. Read up on how to install Windows and Parallels on my iMac so I can use Homestead Sitebuilder for the ScrapFest website.
11. Coughed. A lot.
12. Felt the swollen glands in my neck to see if they're swollen. They are.
13. Used my voice for two phone calls. Andrew's school and my doctor's office. Should have sent smoke signals.
14. Tried to nap. Tried.
15. Wrote this blog.
16. Developed a crush on British comedian Alan Davies, a panelist on the show Q.I. He's the one rhyming things with "purple" in this clip. SO my type.
no tunes this Tuesday
It's not that I don't love y'all, but it's been a disjointed kind of day of rain, thus no Tunes Tuesday, but instead a disjointed post, a little stream of consciousness.
I don't like the color gold. Unless it's gold lame, in that case it's fantastic. I would really like a gold lame raincoat for some reason.
My hair didn't dry right today and now it's weird and wiry looking. I blame it on the rain.
Why did it start to storm just as the kids were getting off the bus?
Facebook has been buggy lately and it has really pissed me off.
I applaud the individual who took it upon himself to correct the grammar of one of the construction signs on Hwy 21. Bravo, sir. You are my grammar hero.
I am convinced one of my friends has a form of ESP. It's not a terribly helpful type of ESP, but still kind of cool.
The waist measurement should be the same in a particular size of Lane Bryant jeans, no matter if they are boot cut, wide leg, straight leg, or low rise. It makes absolutely no sense that the jeans are the same size and the waist measurement is so different that they will not button. Damn you Right Fit jeans!
I had a little deja vu earlier today. It was interesting.
Someone called me recently with what they said was good news. Good news is relative.
The interwebs is a magical thing. Frustrating and annoying, but magical.
I'm half-heartedly trying to get out of something next month. I am employing the tactic of embarrassment to convince my hubs he does not want me to go to his 20th high school reunion. I hate events with a passion. Most of my friends think I'm an extrovert, but they are wrong. I have told him if I go I will spend the entire evening bombarding a classmate of his with questions about her title as Mrs. STATE I LIVE IN because it's my new goal in life to become the 2010 Mrs. WHAT SHE WAS A FEW YEARS AGO. I need a sash and crown. And a scepter — I really need one of those.
The new House was really good last night.
The newly remastered Beatles albums are the bomb.
The hubs and I went to a brew pub on the lakefront Saturday night to watch the LSU game. There was a woman there with breast implants so large that the LSU graphic on her tiny t-shirt looked like it was being tortured. The S was so misshapen, it looked like a Escher drawing of a slide.
Real Coke is delicious.
Shopping for mattresses is a bizarre experience. You're supposed to lay on them as you would at home to test it out, but I don't think you're supposed to take your shoes off or anything. And like I'm going to lay there with the salesguy watching me. I'm going to go to his house and watch him sleep, then ask how he likes his mattress, all smug and snarky.
We went to Chevy's for lunch Sunday and all I could think about was how much our waiter looked like The Rock. I kept waiting for him to do that eyebrow thing, so I'd know if it were really The Rock and he was maybe doing some undercover work or something, but he never did.
Our garage currently smells like ant killer.
The hubs touched his goatee so many times Saturday that I told him I would get him a hamster, because he obviously has some sort of tactile issue.
I'm not really going to buy a hamster. I'd be the one to take care of it and we all know I'm not in the mood.
But I do want a cocker spaniel. I would name it Sadie.
I still love The Psychedelic Furs.
I forgot to eat lunch.
I'm downloading fonts from the interwebs for the new computer. No one needed design a font with letters made of penis drawings.
Stop thinking of penises.
50 things no one ever asks you
I saw this on a friend's Facebook profile and it made me laugh, so here's mine. By the way, it's almost 11am, so that may explain some of my answers.
50 things no one ever asks you…
50 (yes fifty!!) things you've never been asked….copy/paste & share!
Once you've been tagged, you have to answer this and tag 10 people, including the person who tagged you.
1. What is the color of your toothbrush?
pink and White
2. Name one person who made you smile today.
Andrew
3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
sleeping
4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?
waking up
5. What is your favorite candy bar?
Snickers or Almond Joy. Girl loves an Almond Joy.
6. Have you ever been to a strip club?
oh, hell to the no.
7. What is the last thing you said aloud?
oh, hell to the no.
8. What is your favorite ice cream?
regular flavor: mint chocolate chip, but I love the Cold Stone German Chocolate Cake.
9. What was the last thing you had to drink?
still drinking my vat of coffee
10. Do you like your wallet?
yes, it's Coach and stripey with no money in it.
11. What was the last thing you ate?
a couple of Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches
12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
is it bad that I can't remember? Did I? Hell.
13. The last sporting event you watched?
No idea. I'm sure it was baseball.
14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?
flavor of popcorn? really? I like a Crunch and Munch. Tastes better than Cracker Jack, but you don't get a prize. That sucks.
15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?
Scott
16. Ever go camping?
me, no. I love not camping.
17. Do you take vitamins daily?
no
18. Do you go to church every Sunday?
not every Sunday. With 3 kids, life sometimes gets in the way. This morning there was no chance, since I was awake until 3:30 unable to sleep for no reason.
19. Do you have a tan?
if you connected the dots to my freckles, maybe.
20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?
yes.
21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?
I enjoy straws.
22. What did your last text message say?
"I love you" from Scott
23. What are you doing tomorrow?
cleaning house, laundry, and final ScrapFest stuff.
25. Look to your left, what do you see?
a sink full of dishes.
26. What color is your watch?
silver or steel and white.
27. What do you think of when you hear Australia?
"Do you come from a land down under?
Where women glow and men plunder?
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover."
29.Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
depends on if we're going to Chick Fil A to play — most of the time it's the drive-thru
30. What is your favorite number?
42
31, Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?
Megan
32. Any plans Saturday?
yeah, I'll be rockin' the mic at ScrapFest, visiting with friends, and maybe scrapbooking if things go as planned.
33. How many states have you lived in?
3
34. Biggest annoyance right now?
a whiny child.
35. Last song listened to?
"I'll Be You."
36. can you say the alphabet backwards?
no. how is that useful in any way unless you're trying to prove sobriety?
37. Do you have a maid service clean your house?
my family seems to think so.
38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
black Volatile flip flops.
39. Are you jealous of anyone?
nope.
40. Is anyone jealous of you?
for real, can you blame them? damn.
41. Do you love anyone?
I love many.
42. Do any of your friends have children?
I think the question should be "do any of your friends need a vacay from their children?"
43. What do you usually do during the day
as little as possible. right now it's a lot for da Fest, taking care of the chil'ren, and being awesome.
44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now?
hate is a strong word. I despise a few people. Even loathe.
45. Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
no, I use "holla."
46. What color is your car?
silver (with a little rust spot from where I backed into the hubs' old car, it's okay, it matches my hair).
47. how many dvds do you own?
no idea. we own more kids dvds than anything.
48. Are you thinking about someone right now?
no, I am void of thought.
49. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
sho nuff. Six Flags is the bomb.
50. How did you get your worst scar?
when my youngest child was forcibly taken from my womb in what is known as a Cesarean Section. I'll never have that bikini bod back.
really, I don’t mind at all.
At least that's what I'm telling myself. Because the more you tell yourself something, the more you believe it and then after a while, it's part of your composition.
So, maybe I won't mind.
But for now, it's important to me because a person should have people in their life that they feel like they can count on. And it hurts. I'm not sure why I'm airing this here (because it's not as though they read the blog after all), and as the song says, "it's getting so you never know when things are left alone." I don't believe leaving things alone is a trait of mine. I'm pretty sure I wasn't in line when God was giving that one out, just as I wasn't in line for many other traits. The trait I was blessed with for better or for worse, is expression. And even though I'm not paid for it, fundamentally I've always been a writer-girl and the written word is my main form of expression. So, what I can't verbalize right now will be written and maybe I'll get around to saying how I feel to whom this is directed and maybe I won't.
I know many of my readers come here for a laugh, but it hasn't been one of those days. I hope you understand. I'm sure I'll put a smile on my face and get back to our usual shenanigans tomorrow. But for today, here's the song.
kerryfaler.blog 