So, I spent half the day at my OB/GYN's office and I have a few ideas to make the experience a bit more tolerable.  Perhaps I should make something clear: I have zero medical training (unless you count CPR class), but I feel I am qualified to make this manifesto because:

1. I am a woman; and 2. I have been a patient at exactly six OB/GYN offices.  That's right, six.  I've lived in a bunch of towns and approximately  42 medical professionals have seen me naked, maybe more.  I have zero modesty.  None.  Oh, number 3 — I have borne three children and thus have spent a great deal of time in OB/GYN offices.  I know what I'm talking about.  I should be a consultant for doctors opening offices, seriously.

The OB/GYN Manifesto

American woman have endured many things — ill-fitting bras, bad boyfriends, cramps — but we will endure bad  OB/GYN office visits no longer.  Women have needs.  We need more.  The wonderful thing about America is that we have choices, for the most part anyway, and we can choose a doctor that we like.  Unfortunately, the office visit is not as pleasant as the relationship a woman forms with her doctor.  A woman's annual visit to her gynecologist is awkward and uncomfortable.  To make our visits more pleasant, I suggest the following:

1.  Put comfortable chairs in the waiting room if my wait is going to be over an hour.  Massage chairs would be nice.  Maybe bring in a pedicurist.  

2.  Gray is not an acceptable wall color.  It is sterile and depressing.  Think warm colors, something happy.

3.  If you're going to have a television on, put on the Food Network or HGTV, not a local channel with a soap opera.

4.  Music would be good (as long as it's decent).

5.  Magazines are a requirement.  Lots of magazines.  Fairly current.  Catalogs even.  

6.  Ban talking on cell phones in the waiting room.  I had to listen to a tiny blond woman plan her Christmas party for 45 minutes today and talking about how she broke her wrist rollerblading in her neighborhood.  When she ended the call, she started texting.  She hadn't turned off the clicky noise when you type.  It took every ounce of self-control I possess to not take her iPhone and throw it into the water fountain.  

7.  Forget the water fountain and put in a margarita machine.  

8.  Offer complimentary socks in the exam room.  It's cold in there and socks don't always go with my outfit.  

9.  Make sure all the signs in your office are spelled correctly.  It's called spellcheck, use it.

10. If you're going to have art on the walls, for goodness sakes, make sure it's not portraits with eyes that follow you — it's a doctor's office, not the damn Haunted Mansion.  

11. On the scale,  have it say "superfantastic!" or "way hot" or "did you lose weight?" instead of numbers.  I'm sure the numbers could show up behind where we stand on the scale for you to see, but why don't we use this as an opportunity to boost our self-esteem?  It could be a win-win!

12. Do something about those exam gowns.  Pink, maybe an animal print, or a Snuggie.

13. Why not put in a skylight or something for me to look at while I'm in the stirrups?  

14.  Speaking of the stirrups — this is not the time for small talk.  We all know what's going on here, no need to ask about the kids or if I have weekend plans.  The only plans I have right now are to get dressed and get the hell out of there.  

15. Compliment my earrings.  It's hard to accessorize when planning the annual exam, a great deal of thought went into this.  Now that I think about it, you could accessorize as well.  Maybe one of those tuxedo-tshirts under your scrubs.  It's just an idea.

Together we can make this a better experience.  

Love,

I’ve often felt like Lucille Ball, but lately it’s all the time.  Right now, while I’m making rice, which takes 20 minutes to make, I’m going to list 20 reasons why I believe I’m in an unfilmed slapstick comedy,

1. This afternoon, the boy child comes in from the backyard and requests a plain slice of bread.  Upon my opening the bread, Lucy dog runs in the house, grabs the entire loaf bread and runs back outside. 
2. I got a splinter in my left index finger yesterday without leaving the house.
3. A few minutes ago I accidentally turned the bag of rice upside down and the seam of the bag busted.  Rice everywhere.  This incident spawned this post.
4. The other day at Megan’s house, I drive up and she’s spray painting a giant piece of plywood primer gray, which looked SILVER in the sun.  I say, “that would match my car.”  She says, “want me to spray that spot?” That would be the place of rust and a dent on my car where I backed into the hubs old car TWICE.  I told her to spray it.
5. Upon getting two sleeping bags out of the dryer, I saw that I had melted one.  Melted a sleeping bag in the dryer, that’s me.
6. Yesterday my dog ate a water hose.
7. The light has gone out above our stairs, there’s no way I’m changing that bulb.  Me on a ladder over the stairs?  Ha.  ER trip waiting to happen.
8. While getting clothes out of the washing machine last week, I backed up and fell into a deep, mostly empty laundry basket and was stuck for a good two minutes.  I thought about how long I would try to get out before calling 911 to say “I can’t get out of a laundry basket, send the jaws of life!”
9. When the restaurant owner said “have a good lunch” the other day, I said “you too!”
10. In the car on Friday, leaving Target and weaving through the road construction, I hit a bump and heard the sound of the boy child’s mini Oreos hitting the car floor.  I asked, “did you spill your mini Oreos?”  He said, “no, the car did.”
11. My lawn man calls the other night and asked if we needed the grass cut, since it’s fall and not really growing.  I told him no, but asked if he does mulch and stuff.  He said yes and that he’d look at my flower beds next time he’s in my neighborhood, then interjected “I’m over there a lot, since I’m dating your neighbor Whatsherface.”  Hello?  Are we friends now?  I don’t want to know who you’re dating, yard man.  I nearly choked on my beverage.
12.  Unbeknown to me, an ice cube was allowed to melt on my kitchen floor yesterday.  I stepped on the water in my slippies, which I wear around the house all the time.  Good news is, I can still do the splits all the way down to the floor.  Even the French judge would have given me a 10.
13. After getting up, I announced “I’m a regular Mary Lou Retton!” to the kids.  They have no idea who Mary Lou Retton is.  Lord, I’m old.  Then I hit my arm on the kitchen island and now have a giant bruise.
14. I was using kitchen tongs as castanets (the little “clink-clink” instrument you wear on your fingers) while singing along to music and cooking this evening and pinched the fire out of my finger.  But the tongs sounded excellent with the song.  The song was “Dance Anthem of the 80’s” by Regina Spektor. 
15. Last night I wasn’t feeling so hot, so I watched a little Ricky Gervais’ “Animals” stand-up show to cheer me up.  I nearly choked to death on a Milk Dud when he did the bit about koala bears and human finger prints being so similar that they could be confused at the scene of a crime.  And what crime would this be?” he says, “the great eucalyptus robbery?”  My life nearly ended by choking on a Milk Dud laughing. 

So, I could only do 15 in 20 minutes.  Sue me.  More nonsense soon.