getting to know you Christmas

My friend Mandy sent me one of those "getting to know you" Christmas emails where you fill in your answers after you read your friend's, and I thought I'd put my answers up, just in case anyone feels like they need to know more about me. I give and I give, people, 'cause that's the kind of person I am.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Only the best Hallmark wrapping
paper, real ribbon – I am a wrapping paper snob and I know it.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Artificial with lights, I
have allergies and I don’t need another living thing in my house to take care of.

3. When do you put up the tree? In our
dining room, front corner by the windows.

4. When do you take the tree down? Usually
the week after Christmas. I like to
extend my holidays and I'd leave it up and decorate it for each holiday if Scott wouldn't think I was crazy.

5. Do you like eggnog? Fo sho.
With freshly grated nutmeg. I am Martha Stewart.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Oh, that’s a hard one. Three way tie
between my Barbie Dream Townhouse, stuffed cocker spaniel with a fm radio from
Radio Shack (I knew elves didn't make it), or the Lite Brite.

7. Hardest person to buy for? Scott, he never wants anything and says "a hug" then asks what I want and I pull out the giant scroll…

8. Easiest person to buy for? Lucy dog, she never asks
to return anything and everything is always the right color 'cause you know, dogs is color blind.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? I did until a couple of weeks ago when Andrew
decapitated a wise man and amputated two of the camel’s legs. And I almost bought one of the Willow Tree or whatever they're called at the Cracker Barrel — I was thisclose to being sucked in by the Cracker Barrel.

10 WORST GIFT YOU EVER RECEIVED? No idea. Oh ho ho, yes I do.
Let’s see if this individual is reading and/or remembers. I somehow doubt it, because I have a photographic memory for stupid crap. Someone once gave me a book entitled “How to
go to Hell.” Not that it was a bad book, it was quite funny,
but the title just screams Merry Christmas and leave me the hell alone!

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? It's A Wonderful Life

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? End of
Sept, beginning of Oct. But not this year, I've hardly made a dent in my list.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas Present? Well, yes.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Dessert,
candy – divinity, pralines.

16. Lights on the tree? Yes, just as Jesus intended.

17. Favorite Christmas song? “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” love that song. I also love U2's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"

18. Do you travel or stay home at Christmas?
Stay home. I’m not spreading my
Christmas cheer elsewhere, except maybe my Starbucks barista.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? of course, and it’s reindeer, dude.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? a star-shaped cookie, I know, it’s
ridiculous. And it's pink, which is even more ridiculous, but our angel was too big and kept flopping over and that's not a good look, she looked drunk and the kids were asking questions.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Oh, please. We open pressies for almost a week. The Faler Christmas is not for sissies or persons who cannot lift more than so many pounds for that matter.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
Take your pick, the fact that the kids are out of school for 2 weeks, the
traffic, the crowds, the bad Christmas music, having to buy for 6 teachers, the
bus driver, the mail carrier, and everybody in between. Last year I did Starbucks cards, this year I’m
giving a pack of Wrigley’s gum. I’m
starting to sound like Scrooge.

23. What theme or color are you using? Theme? Um, Christmas. Red, green, white, pink, disco balls, pink
flamingos, Elvis impersonators, what kind of question is this?

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? I like
our Christmas Eve dinner, prime rib, veggies, dessert.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Peace in the
Middle East, Amy Winehouse to go to rehab, Andrew to be potty trained, the kids
to put things away without being told, Scott to have a permanent job in town,
me to wake up a size 10, get a Pulitzer Prize for blogging, and for all the
children of the world to hold hands and sing “Happy Christmas (War is Over)” by
John Lennon conducted by John Williams, while dressed as angels with glowing halos.

26. Who is most likely to respond to this? Melissa, maybe.

27. Who is least likely to respond to this? The person who gave me the book I mentioned.

28. Who is most likely to delete this and say
"Huh?" when I mention it? Ha ha, you can’t delete
my blog, you wish.

holiday pet peeves: edition 2

Y'all know I'm nothing if not dedicated to telling the truth here on the Kerry blog, 'cause gosh darn it, someone has to. I'm not sure if it's out in full force in your neighborhood yet, but in my 'hood it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, a really gaudy Christmas. Scroll down for the video and let's have a look at the evidence, shall we?

People, I know I'm fairly judgmental; I am jaded when it comes to a lot of things and Christmas decor is one of them. I know, I know, it's not keeping anyone up at night and I'm sure Obama isn't being briefed on the 7 foot inflatable snow globes and the threat they pose to national security. But really, something has to be done about these lawn decorations. I can't take it anymore.

It all started with those hand-painted wooden things in yards, then the plastic light-up Santas, snowmen, and nativities. Now it's "let's see how much crap we can fit on the lawn." This behavior didn't bother me until we lived in Brunswick, GA. We went home to Mandeville for Thanksgiving and when we returned a couple of days later our neighbors had been passing 'round the crack pipe and were putting up every damn thing you could possibly imagine on their lawns. I am not making this up: the best house had a Santa alien in a sleigh being pulled by eight pink flamingos. For realz. Scott will back me up on this one. I had a pic, but I don't know where it is now. It was awesome. Every other house in the subdivision was decorated to the hilt with fake ice skating rinks with fake skaters and everything else you could think of and more. I only put out a wreath, it was like the Grinch's house.

But my current subdivision is wild. The house from the video is first on my list when I'm appointed Minister of Good Taste in the next administration. I simply cannot take it.. Readers, if you have a Santa on your lawn, there really is no need for a snowman Santa, Mickey Santa, Tigger Santa, Pooh Santa, and whatever other Santa Walmart carries. Likewise with the nativity set. If Jesus were to come back this Christmas and for some reason came over to your house and saw his family — I usually call nativity sets "Baby Jesus and his family" — out on your lawn with some sheep, a snowman, Santa, and two inflatable penguins on ice skates holding some mistletoe with lights set to Maheim freakin' Steamroller playing, well, I'm pretty sure He can revoke your get into Heaven pass. That's in the Bible, somewhere around Acts, as in "if you Acts like a fool and put up tacky lawn decorations at the anniversary of the birth of your savior, your name will be crossed out of the Book of Life." I'm no theologian, but I know my way around the Bible. I think I remember that from Sunday school or a Christmas pageant I was in when I was a kid. I was once kicked out of a Christmas pageant at church because I was always late to practice, I was 8 or 9. I failed to see how that was my fault. Anyway, that's my Christmas pet peeve of the day. I'm sure there will be more.

Christmas shopping guide: idea #3

EDIT: Friends and peeps, I couldn't bring myself to post the pic because I have standards for my blog (they may be low, but hell, I have them), but I had to seek out the next step from the Equmen 6-pack producing undershirt and look for a butt enhancer for men after I read Molly's comment. I thought we could invent something, but it's already a product — imagine that. Now if your man needs some help in the derriere, go here. It's called the Package Booster, and as the name suggests, it boosts more than just the booty. And that's about as tacky as I can be without offending my sensibilities and Puritan nature. I can talk all day long on just about any subject except for the twig and berries because I am a total prude, as most of my firends will attest to.

There's no doubt in my mind that men are the hardest to shop for. I have a hard time shopping for the perfect Christmas gift for the men in my life — but not this year, baby. The Kerry blog is nothing if not quasi-helpful with shopping, so it should surprise no one that I have found the best gift in the history of ever for the vain, but not vain enough to work out everyday men. Friends and peeps, I give you the Equmen Core-Precision Undershirt.

The Equmen undershirt is to a man's torso what Spanx is to my tummy. Spanx rock, but I can't see a man wearing this. It is supposed to take inches off and give you the 6-pack you've always wanted. Oh, yeah, and it retails for $90. Ninety. That's a lot more than my Spanx. But I suppose if you're a guy and you want to impress the ladies, you might try this for kicks. I've never been on the other end of this, because I'm a girl (obviously), but I can't imagine dating a guy you think is a hard body type and that big make-out date happens. You're getting your groove on to some slow jams and he takes the Equmen undershirt off and lets the flab loose. That's just plain sexy.

The jock-type has never been my type, I always preferred the brainy cute guys to the beefcakes and I've been off the market for over a decade, so I won't be buying the Equmen undershirt for my hubs this year. But, now that I think about it, Scott took the "real age quiz" and turns out he's 49 (that's only 12 years older than his actual age) and I'm 28 in real-age years, so looks like I may be on the market if he kicks the bucket. Better keep my options open just in case.

Thanksgiving trip: day 1

Dear Readers,

I have survived day one of the trip home. I’m posting from my phone, this will be brief. I took a few pics from my grandfather’s house where time stands still. The dry erase board on the fridge has had the same info for the past 10-15 years. Not kidding.

The honey on top of the fridge is decorative only because it first entered the house when I was 10. I am 34 years old.

The latest is Pappaw bought a new plasma tv, you’ll notice next to it is the 20 year old console tv. It is now a shelf. I told my grandfather I could have it turned into an aquarium, but he likes it the way it is. I love my Pappaw, he’s the best.

Hope your Thanksgiving was a blessed one,

Kerry

tunes you need Tuesday: Christmas edition

EDIT: the Christmas song list below is only one of my mixes — the swing/favorites playlist. Y'all know me — I have several Christmas playlists: rock, Elvis, crooners, and the kids list. So, any song you feel I've left out is most likely on another playlist. I take my Christmas music seriously, because at no point will I turn on the radio to hear Manhiem Steamroller, Barry Manilow, Mariah Carey, or God forbid — John Denver with the Muppets.

Christmas is my favorite holiday. I'm a gift-giving fool, always have been. Receiving gifts is not my thing, I'm a giver. When I see something a loved one would appreciate, I buy it 'cause I like to make to make the people I care about happy. Occasionally I'll make a purchase for the sole purpose of aggravating someone, but most often, it's out of love. When I was younger I hated giving music as gifts, but I view it differently now, especially when the gift is well thought out. So, why not make the Christmas mix cd for your fam or friends so they won't have to listen to the garbage on the holiday radio stations. Here's what I included on my mix, it's fun and it swings, rocks, and rolls.

All of the following songs are available on iTunes (I know 'cause that's where I got them). Go download them for a proper Christmas song education.

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is my fave Christmas song of all time. I love it so much I have several versions, but you have to go with the original Judy Garland to start with. If you want to branch out after Judy, get Ella Fitzgerald's version, too.
"(Everybody's Waitin' for) the Man with the Bag" by Kay Starr is just fun, big band, horns, fab.
"A Holly Jolly Christmas" by Burle Ives is a classic and a must if you have kids.
"The Christmas Song" by Mel Torme is the version I like, but you can go with Nat King Cole's — that's the one you hear most often.
"Christmastime is Here" and "Greensleeves" from the Charlie Brown Christmas Special by the Vince Guaraldi Trio just say Christmas to me.
"Jingle All the Way" by Lena Horne is just plain awesome.
"I've Got my Love to Keep Me Warm" by Billie Holiday is one of my faves. Sensing a theme here? I dig the old school Christmas songs that are fun and swingy.
"Cool Yule" by Louis Armstrong is the bomb. Put it on and dance.
"Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee is a must.
"O Christmas Tree" by Aretha Franklin is on the list because she's Aretha. 'nuff said.
"Please Come Home for Christmas" by the Eagles goes nicely with the rest and it's one of my faves.
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by John Mellencamp makes the list for the notalgia factor.
"I'll Be Home for Christmas" is the only Michael Buble song you'll hear me play.
"This Christmas (Hang All the Mistletoe)" by Macy Gray is really fun and fits in with all the old school tunes.
"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by U2 is my second favorite Christmas song in the history of ever. Love love love.
"Christmas in Hollis" by Run-DMC is the final word on any Christmas mix of mine. If you don't have it, you might as well not make a mix, that's all there is to it.

Well, that's my list for this Tunes You Need Tuesday. I'm sure there are a few listed that you're not familiar with and maybe this is the season to branch out. Why listen to all the traditional stuff when you can swing? And don't you dare play any Manheim Steamroller or Celine Dion around me at Christmas. I'm not kidding, it's like nails on a chalkboard to hear either of those. So, after the turkey and dressing Thursday, download some Christmas tunes that are fun and just say no to the radio this season.

when you care enough to send the bitterest

It's almost that time again. Christmas card time.

You know what that means, you'll get your first card in the mail on December 1st from that overzealous friend or relative and you feel guilty that you haven't even thought about Christmas cards yet. Then the cards start to trickle in, then one day you get 10 of them in the mailbox and you look at the calendar and think, "if I send cards today people will get them in time." But you forget about it because you get caught up reading the cards you've received. The cards, photo cards, and holiday family newsletters are too much. I sent photo cards last year, but this year I've found the best Christmas cards in the history of ever.

A while back I posted some things by Anne Taintor, she creates "vintage revisited" products that are witty and just snarky enough to please me. I've always had a love-hate relationship with Christmas cards. Each Christmas I remember when I read Less Than Zero for the first time and how I loved the Christmas party invitation Clay receives at the beginning of the novel. Not that I would ever send a card as tacky as F*** Christmas, and the rest of it — but I appreciate the humor of it. Every year I try my best to find the perfect card and sadly, I'm never satisfied with the ones I send. Anne Taintor apparently had the same problem, because her cards are the ones I'd write if I had a card company.

Who wouldn't love to get this? "So much depended on how one defined
'naughty'." That's awesome. You know you'd like to send that card to someone. You know you do. You're thinking of that person right now, aren't you? I thought so. I love the images on the cards. All of them are from vintage ads and the women are real people. On Taintor's site she catches up with some of the ladies dubbed the "Taintorettes" and you get to see what they're up to now. Very cute.

This one is great. "'gay apparel' was putting it mildly." Nothing quite says holiday like emasculating Christmas cards. I love that Taintor brings up the Christmas song that everyone giggles on the inside about just a little bit when you hear it. Times have changed, can we think of something else besides "don we now our gay apparel?" Really, come on.

Ever wonder what sort of card to send your couple friends of mixed faiths? Do you send a Christmas card and a Chanukah card? Do you choose which one to go with? That's a pain. In that case I always feel it's best to address the obvious and go with a card like this. "Now was probably not the best time to tell the kids they were Jewish." Perfect. Now if there was matching wrapping paper, you'd be set.

While you're at it you might as well be honest and say how you really feel. Honesty is the best policy, I always say. That's how I live my life. Why be any different at the holidays? Christmas can be a difficult time for family gatherings, I know I've had my share of awkward situations and such, who hasn't? And being the honest person I am, it can make for unwanted and unpleasant conversations — but that's where medication comes into play.
Everyone knows I'm medicated, for a while it was on the down-low, but I was outed, so hell, why not put it out there in card from and tell everyone how I feel about the holidays. "Fortunately, she had remembered to stock up on Prozac before going home for the holidays." I couldn't have said it better myself, well, unless I named my actual meds! If you send this card, chances are your family knows you have to be on something to spend the holidays with them. Heck, I have to be on something to spend time by myself, let alone other people.

I'm keeping the card I ordered for close friends under wraps, not gonna spoil the surprise, not even for the blog. It was hard to pick between all the superfantastic cards. I did like this one a lot, but I chose a different sentiment. I can't wait to send it. I spent a long time on the Anne Taintor site, shopped for Christmas pressies for my girlfriends and got a notepad for myself. My notepad says "old enough to know better…too young to give a rat's ass." Too bad that's not a Christmas card.

I so need my own card line. You listening Hallmark? I'm a hard worker, well, when I want to work anyway. I don't work in the rain. Or early mornings. Or when I just don't feel like it. But I'd be a great card writer. I can illustrate as well. So, give me call if you need a new card line, just don't call to early, I like to sleep in. And I prefer to work at home, in my pajamas. Don't judge.

holiday pet peeves: edition 1

If you’ve been reading this blog for more than fifteen minutes you’re probably aware that I have some issues. I don’t like large birds, I’m a bit of a conspiracy theorist, and I feel the need to buy every maryjane shoe I see. I also have a lot of pet peeves. For some reason things get to me that (I assume) most people would casually dismiss or would never enter their minds. That’s what makes me special.

So, I thought for the holiday season I would give you a glimpse into my world. Yesterday Megan and I went to our local Michael’s Arts & Crafts store (among other various places) and as always I had my Flip camera handy, you know, just in case I need to break into video journalist mode. Everything was going fine until I hit the aisle I despise. I had to get the Flip out. BTW, Anderson Cooper, you may consider this my official audition for AC 360. I’m available, but you should know I’m not using my normal speaking voice, this would be my voice of outrage in an southern accent that comes out when I’m particularly peeved. Also, ignore Megan’s giggling in the background, she obviously does not take my future career in broadcast journalism seriously.

Really, I’ve never liked those Christmas villages. I’m sorry if any of my readers have them, it’s nothing against you, really — it’s just weird to me. It’s all very Norman Rockwell, which is fine if you’re in Mayberry, but even Mayberry had Otis the town drunk. Otis was great. Gave the town character. And don’t tell me it’s an “idealized” village ’cause that’s stupid. My idea of an ideal village would be a town with lots of superfantastic shopping, good restaurants, really great customer service, free valet parking, and would require its citizens to work a maximum of 3 days a week. And it would have a beach on one side of town and a snowy place on the other and the whole town would have great music and lighting and disco balls! I’d call it Kerryberry, kinda like Mayberry, but with flava.

Back to the Christmas village. What was with the decappitated villagers? You might as well have a little Tipi Hedron in there with birds attacking her. Freaky. I think you can hear the shock over the decappitated people in my weird voice. I’m not sure why when I’m aggravated I have this drawn out voice, but whoop there it is. My natural speaking voice is probably more tollerable, I’m not sure, I don’t listen to myself talk and most of the time my brain is going much faster than I can speak anyway, so who knows what I’m saying. I’m sure my friends can attest to this. Back to the villages, specifically the villagers. Now you’re going to notice it aren’t you? Now that I’ve exposed the Christmas villages for the little tiny towns of prejudice they are.

I don’t know who makes those villages, but come on. No blacks? No other ethnicities? That’s just wrong. Christmas is an equal opportunity holiday. Jesus is for everyone. There weren’t any handicapped ramps on any of the village buildings either. This is an outrage. There is no room for discrimination of any kind in Christmas! Well, not where race or ability or sexual orientation are concerned, anyway. I’m all for other forms of discrimination. That’s what our nation was founded on, the freedom to discriminate . I discriminate against bad wrapping paper. I also discriminate against cheap purses and all kinds of other stuff no one else cares about. Like personalized license plates that aren’t easily deciphered. That makes me special, too. I didn’t say what kind of special, I’m pretending it’s a good kind of special.

I’m coming out with my own line of Christmas villages next year. My collectable set will include an unsavory Santa, a crack house, yellow snow, litter, cars pulled over for drunk driving, stray dogs, pimps, a crazy cat lady, graffitied overpases, and potholes. Look for it in stores by next Halloween.

Christmas shopping guide: idea #2

These days everyone is all about DIY projects and no doubt you have one of those people on your Christmas list. I know I do. My grandfather does everything himself. When we evacuated from Hurricane Katrina we went to Shreveport and spent two weeks at my grandfather's house. For two weeks I watched my grandfather attempt to fix a wooden ironing board. I know, I didn't know ironing boards were made out of wood at one time. And yes, that does seem like a fire hazard, doesn't it? For two weeks my grandfather worked on the ironing board, went to Home Depot mulitple times for various and sundry items he needed to make the necessary repairs and continued to fuss with the ironing board. At the end of the two weeks he came to the conclusion he needed to buy a new ironing board.

Unfortunately, this gift is also of no use to my grandfather, but maybe someone on your list would love it. From stupid.com, here's the Grow Your Own Furniture Kit.

Just look
at what a single GYOF kit will produce:

1 Chest of Drawers
2 Nightstands
1 dining room table
6 Chairs
1 Rocker
1 Footstool
82 Toothpicks *

All it
takes is a Grow Your Own Furniture Kit, a little patience, and $2.99!

* Actual number of toothpicks may vary

The instructions say to plant the acorn and wait 42 years. 42. My grandfather is 83, so he doesn't have that kind of time, but surely you have someone that does. And what a cheap gift! Heck, you could get a bunch for $2.99 a pop! Grow your own furniture store, why not?

another fashion crisis avoided

Every year I wonder what to wear for Christmas Eve and New Year's. I fret over fashion, in case you haven't noticed before. And if you haven't noticed, you must be new to the blog.

So, thank you Victoria Secret for inspiring me once again — I'm sure I'll be the hit of Christmas Eve at the in-laws and for whatever we decide to do for New Year's. I'm pretty sure I can make Heidi's sequined bow out of supplies from Lowe's and some sequins from my craft supplies.

And if I learn to knit now ( like I've been talking about for 8 years) I may finish the scarf on the stick model on the right by the time Andrew's out of high school. By the way, are knee socks back in or are those tube socks? The girl looks like she rolled out of her boyfriend's bed and put on a mix of what she found rumpled on the floor. Of course, her boyfriend is the Jolly Green Giant and that's why the scarf is so freakin' long.

Christmas shopping guide: idea #1

Here at the Kerry blog, it's all about making your life easier, so I'll be showcasing ideas for that hard to buy for person on your list this holiday season. There are 37 days 'til Christmas and you don't want to be at Walgreen's on Christmas Eve buying chocolate covered cherries and batteries for your cousin Elizabeth because you didn't know what to get her. Not on my watch, anyway.

Everyone loved the '90s, so get her "Let's PAINT the '90s." It's just what that pop-culture enthusiast would love for Christmas. This item is from Fred Flare and it's fabulous! Who wouldn't love to paint Bill and Monica, Vanilla Ice, OJ Simpson, Pam Anderson, and more? Go ahead and get a few, you know you want one, too.