Christmas shopping guide: idea #7 — calling all last minute shoppers

For those of you paying attention (there will be a quiz later), I wrote two Christmas Shopping Guide #5 editions, so this is technically number 7. I never said I could count. Gosh.

So, on the way back from Pearl River tonight, Megan and I came to a full stop on I-12 before the Slidell mall exit. Eventually we saw that there was a big wreck, glass and junk all over the road. The cause of the accident? Weekend Before Christmasitis. People are flocking to the malls in droves. Not only is it inadvisable to go to the mall this weekend, it has been proven to be downright dangerous. We here at the Kerry Blog are here to help. Don’t go near the mall, instead go to Walgreens.

First, some history. When I was much younger and slightly less sarcastic and cynical, my family would make the trek all the way next door to my grandmother’s house on Christmas in the late afternoon (after visiting my mother’s side of the family i.e. the sane side). Not only could I expect one of my aunts to get get drunk on Crown Royal and ask someone to drive her to the liqour store, but it was also the time to see what my grandmother bought us the night before from K & B (when K & B Drugs still existed). My grandmother (who, by the way, gave all 3 of her daughters the middle name Ann) was not what you would call a planner. She was lucky if she remembered all of our names, much less bought Christmas gifts.

The highlight of the evening (besides when my aunt would announce that no one in the family ever really loved her and passed out — once in her car in the driveway) was opening gifts from my grandmother. The most interesting gift I remember getting from my grandmother (aka Mammaw Nextdoor) was a baby blue nightshirt in a matching drawstring bag. All 6 granddaughters got one, I was about 8. I believe it was also packaged with a roll of Lifesavers and no, they weren’t wrapped. In case you’re wondering, the most memorable gift I ever received from my alchoholic aunt was loose change packaged in a lovely purple Crown Royal bag, it was all kinds of inappropriate.

What is the moral of this story, you ask? Well, besides that it’s not a good idea to give kids money in a bag that once contained the very substance you’re wasted on, anyway. The moral of this story is that shopping at drugstores is a great alternative to the mall.

The drugstore for Christmas shopping? Hell yeah. What can you get at Walgreens? A whole lot of awesome, that’s what.

Let’s say you’ve waited ’til today to start shopping for Christmas for some reason. Maybe you’ve been working too hard or maybe you’ve just woken up from a month-long coma and need to shop for the whole family. Drive to your nearest Walgreens, get a cart and go directly to the cosmetics section. Did you know you can get all the brand name fragrances there? Walgreens has everything from Juicy Couture to Vera Wang (my fave) to Burberry — or Celine Dion and Britney Spears if you prefer.

Maybe your budget doesn’t allow for perfume. Maybe your family and friends would love something from the As Seen On TV aisle. Your sister would love a Ped Egg Pro for $9.99 and a Finishing Touch Lumina lighted hair remover to get rid of that unibrow. It’s never easy to tell someone that they have neglected their personal appearance. I find that holidays are the perfect time to let those close to you know these things with a gift. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a gift bag of deodorant, breath spray and nose hair trimmers.

I have a lot of crafty friends. Crafty as in making crafts, not cunning or devious — well, oh, nevermind. And if I know my friends, they will work on projects or scrapbook no matter the weather, time of day, nothing will stop these women. Chances are you know someone like this. Chances are you have someone on your list who will craft all night long ’til the break of dawn — even if the
power is out during a hurricane. If that should happen (and living where I live, it is likely), a hard-core crafter would need this. It’s the Craft Lite Cutter. Yes, it’s a paper trimmer. Yes, it lights up. In case you need to scrapbook or cut some sort of paper in the dark — clip coupons, Dear Abby columns from the newspaper, whatever. Now, it was not until I watched the commercial for this product that I realized cutting paper was was so difficult. You see, I have been fairly proficient at using scissors since I was 5, a child-prodigy if you will, I had cutting down pat. As an adult I have become quite adept at using all the various and sundry cutting tools, scissors, kitchen shears, hair cutting shears, nail clippers, several different craft knives, box cutters, cheese graters, glass cutter, pizza wheel, machete — I can cut virtually anything. Imagine my shock when I saw this commercial.

I had NO IDEA cutting paper could be such an issue for people. If I had known this I would have invented this product years ago. Now, I have no need for this since I have a Masters in cutting paper, but when I first saw the commercial I was across the room from the tv and I thought it was a paper trimmer with a laser. As a scrapbooker, a paper trimmer with a freakin’ laser would rock. Clearly, I am a scrapbook rockstar, but damn — I don’t have any lasers! What’s next? A fog machine? Awe yeah. I’ve long been convinced my friends and I need a tour bus for all of our paraphernalia. We typically take one vehicle to retreats, packed to the hilt with 4 -5 women, a million bags, snacks, and once — a margarita machine. I believe our stuff would rival any band’s gear and only one of us can sing. That would not be me. We definitely need a tour bus with our laser paper trimmers. Fiskars has come out with a trimmer which is also a dock for your iPod, fab idea. If it only had lasers and a fog machine… damn, that would rule. I would get one with flames painted on the sides and it would look way cooler than this —

Because although it is my favorite color, even though it would play my tunes, it doesn’t exactly say scrapbook rockstar, does it now? That’s what I thought. Butterflies? Surely you jest. Butterflies are for little girls and Mariah Carey. You can’t get the Fiskars Rock Paper Trimmer (that’s the real name, I know it sounds like something I would make up, but I can’t take the credit) at Walgreens. You may purchase it scrapbook.com for a mere $80 and it plays your iPod; the Craft Lite Cutter is $60 cheaper at Walgreens, but it only has a light. Sadly, there isn’t a paper trimmer with both features, but as the Rolling Stones sang, you can’t always get what you want.

If it’s stocking stuffers you’re looking for on Christmas Eve, I suggest hitting Walgreens for batteries. Trust me, as a mom of three, there are things I have learned — you need batteries. “Oh, but Kerry, I already bought batteries –” the hell you say, get yourself to Walgreens and buy some AA, AAA, C, and D batteries. There are few things worse than opening presents Christmas morning and finding some of those toys require batteries and you thought you bought batteries. While you’re at it, get some wire cutters, too. Exactly when did all toys come packaged with 4000 twistie-ties? My oldest child was born in 2001, at the beginning of the Era of Twistie-Ties. For those of you who had your first children after 2001, toys used to come in boxes and you could just open them and take out the toys. Now toys are packaged in a box, in clear plastic that must be cut open with a machete, tied down with twistie-ties and hell, if it’s a Barbie, her hair is sewn to the carboard, and you must free her as if she were a POW being held in Barbie prison.

So, got your list ready? Batteries, wire cutters, Ped Egg, Finishing Touch Lumina, Perfume, and the Craft Lite Cutter. It’s the weekend before Christmas, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

holiday pet peeves: edition 5

After spending half the morning looking for my glasses, now I can see to blog.

The Christmas Letter in lieu of a perfectly fine card is something that annoys me to no end. I have friends who send these and I mean no harm, really, it's just the idea of it. Since I received the first of many Christmas letters years ago, I have pretty much hated the thought of them.

Last year at MOPS Convention, author Julie Barnhill echoed my feelings and spoke about it. She encouraged us to write a "reality Christmas letter" and I printed mine in our MOPS newsletter. I rather enjoyed that exercise in honesty. But for a moment, indulge me in what the majority of Christmas letters sound like. Let me give you an example, totally made up, by me.

Dear Family and Friends,

Holiday greetings from the Perfect Family! We hope this letter finds you well and in the holiday spirit. So much has happened this year and we'd love to share how great the Lord has been to us in 2008.

Back in the spring, John was promoted to Chief Officer in Charge of Everything Important with his company. Of course this came with a hefty increase in salary and the best parking spot in company parking garage where he parks his new hybrid Hummer that runs on only electricity and good thoughts. In the fall, John headed up the church mission trip to Timbuktu where he baptized nearly all of the indigenous people of the area and started a school for blind children and their seeing eye monkeys. I'm just so proud of him and all the good he's done! He even asked that I make a donation to the Foundation for Seeing Eye Monkeys instead of getting him a Christmas gift this year. He only thinks of others!

In case you didn't hear, Mary was valedictorian of her graduating class in May and is attending Juliard on a violin scholarship. We could not be more pleased. Unfortunately, Mary will be unable to come home for Christmas, as she has been selected to perform at Carnegie hall with Yo Yo Ma for the big Christmas concert. The concert will be televised on PBS as part of the annual "Christmas with the Prodigies" program. It's so nice that she is being featured a second time!

John, Jr is no slouch himself! He's the only sophomore to letter in football, baseball, basketball, and synchronized swimming in the history of Our Lady of Perpetual Perfection School for the Gifted.

And me? Well, it's the same old same old with me. Once again I chaired the annual Locks of Love Hair Raising Ball and set a new record for the most hair cut. It was quite a success, but you know I'm not one to brag. Next spring I'll be going back to school to complete my third Masters, this time in Marine Biology. I was so inspired when we took our vacation to Atlantis and swam with the dolphins that I just had to learn more about our friends in the sea! Going back to school will leave little time for my little hobby, showing champion Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. I must admit, I will miss going to Westminster next year, but I think little Prince Kajagoogoo Pumpernickle will miss the show even more!

Well, that's it from our little family. We wish you the happiest of Christmases and a blessed and bountiful new year.
The Perfect Family

I don't know about you, but stuff like that makes me want to throw up. Here's what the Kerry Christmas Letter would sound like.

Dear Friends and Family,

I'm sorry I'm so late in getting this out, hopefull you will receive it by the New Year. Anyway, Merry Christmas!

We've been so busy this year I've hardly found time to get this letter together, but I know how much everyone looks forward to our holiday updates, so I'm writing in a hurry. Where to start? Well, Scott is hard at work looking for work and doing little "honey do" projects around the house. Last week he attended a meeting for his professional organization where he won a gift basket of beer from around the world! I'm just so proud.

Molly is doing well in her second year of first grade. She failed the school eye exam and had to get glasses, which she loves. This year her much loved cat, Tinkerbell, ran away after we put her outside for a little bit when she jumped out at the kids on the stairs and scared them to death. Molly asks if Tinkerbell will ever come back and I always tell her there is always a chance, but I'm almost positive she has been eaten by something.

Our high-spirited daughter Katie is quite something. She's loving Kindergarten and is very fond of the cafeteria. We're working with her on her irrational fear of bears and smoke detectors, hopefully she will not need therapy to get over her phobias. And we're happy she's down to three or four tantrums a day and only telling me to be nice or Santa will not put anything in my stocking once a day.

The baby, 3 year-old Andrew, is working on getting potty trained, hopefully that will happen before the landfills are full of Pull-Ups. He is still not talking as much as he should be and we're enrolling him in speech as soon as the speech people call me back, which at this point should be sometime before he's 12. Of course, he may not be potty trained by then, so no one may notice his speech. Andrew is also working hard at destroying our home by painting the living room carpet yellow, writing on walls, and pouring tea on the sofas. He is so talented at deconstruction, I'm sure he will be an artist one day.

And me? Well, it's the same old same old. I tried Nutrisystem in my endless search of diets that work and lost one size in three months! I gave up my position in MOPS to have more time for ScrapFest! and the family, and I'm trying my best no to volunteer for anything for a while. Ironically, since I've decreased responsibilities, my medication has increased. Funny how that works.

Well, that's it from our little family. We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy new year!
The Faler Family

That's more like it. That's wonderfully ordinary and truthful and I love that. I'd rather get a picture-card of your dog dressed as Rudolph than most of the Christmas letters I've read. And I hate those picture-cards of dressed-up pets. You know your dog thinks you're a moron when you put antlers on him and an elf hat on the cat. It's a good thing pets can't talk because there would be a lot of upset pet owners at Christmas time. That's all my pet peeves for today. I'm off to track some packages online, seems Santa isn't as fast as he used to be. Be good, peeps.

holiday pet peeves: edition 4

Although my friends look to me as their own personal Kerripedia, I've never claimed to know everything — well, yes I have, but I was joking. Anyinfo, for some reason I know a lot of things about a lot of things, most of which are only helpful when playing Trivial Pursuit, not for any real purpose. And trust me, not useful for any type of work or occupation — I've had many and no one ever asked me who invented the zipper (Whitcomb Judson) or what year Abbey Road was released (1969) or who wrote "the Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" (T.S. Eliot), but I can whip anyone's booty in Trivial Pursuit, as all my pursuits are fairly trivial. So, it's no surprise that I do know something about the Bible, being a Christian, having read it, sung hymns about it, and having heard roughly 2000 sermons on it.

And so here's what I do know. The book of Luke tells us Jesus was born during the the time of the census in Bethlehem and since there were no rooms to let, his mom, Mary, and his earthly dad, Joseph, laid him in a manger after he was born. An angel told some shepherds about the birth and they came to see baby Jesus. Eventually the wise men showed up and brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh; this is mentioned in the book of Matthew. Those are the main characters. That's all you need to know to make a decent nativity set.

What I want to know is why this simple but amazing and beautiful story is butchered by so many retail outlets? I don't know. Here's what I do know. Santa Claus was not at the birth of the Son of God. Shocking, I know. Let me break this down for you: Santa is not real, he was based on a 4th Century Greek Bishop named Nicholas, therefore St. Nicholas, Jolly old St. Nick, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, Papa Noel — whatever you want to call the man with the bag — he missed the birth of Jesus by a few centuries.

It annoys me to no end to see Santa and Jesus together. It's a huge pet peeve of mine to see that. I could do without Santa all together actually, because he never did anything for me and being that now he's just used as an icon for mass retailers.

Enough serious Kerry-talk and onto the absurd because I'm sure that's what you tuned into for today. I spent a whole 15 minutes on the Interwebs looking up weird nativity sets and I'll share them with you.

Here's as fine a scene as any to start with, the owl Nativity. Owls, as in Whooooo's your Savior? Owls are creepy weird-ass birds that have no place in my life or my nativity scene. Who thought of this? Really? Bizarre, to say the least. And an owl Shepherd? No, that's just stupid.

Wanna know what else is stupid? Any other animal representing Jesus and family.
Do we really need a dog nativity? Whether it's with real dogs or ceramic dogs with chiauau angels. And that golden retriever shepherd looks bored. Weird, man. The goose nativity I just don't understand. If they put Mary Goose and Joseph Goose in clothes, why not Jesus Goose? Maybe I'm putting too much thought into this. But I just can't help but think how on Earth would geese put on clothes? They're as bad as the creepy-city owls up there — the owls are even holding things. Owls have no hands, much less opposable thumbs.

But that's not as disturbing as a nativity set that's edible.

Why? Why would anyone want to eat baby Jesus? Talk about creepy. And I suppose Mary, Joseph, and the camel are all milk chocolate; the wisemen are dark chocolate; and the sheep, shepherd, and angel are white chocolate. Who made that decision? I wish I could have sat in on that meeting in the candy shop. "Well, I figure babies drink milk, so we make Jesus milk chocolate." I think whoever came up with this idea was at least partly a nutjob (not my word, that's what a mental health professional would say).

But if that's not weird enough, how about cookie cutters so you can make your own cookie nativity. I almost get this one, I see where this idea almost makes sense. You see, making cookies at Christmas is something moms and kids have done for ages, why not incorporate the story of Jesus' birth and make some yummy treats? Because it's just plain icky to eat Jesus!

Now, I have no problem if you just want to make your cookie nativity and decorate it like a gingerbread house, but please stop there. For realz, people. Don't go eating it even if it looks delicious. And this is me saying this — y'all know I love me some cookies, they are my weakness as kryptonite was to Superman (only Superman didn't eat kryptonite). Personally, I would not make this. But, if you're going to make the cookie nativity set, you might as well have the nativity kitchen timer. As you know, nothing says "it's Chirstmastime!" like baby Jesus and fam dinging to let you know your Jesus cookies are ready. I know a certain cake decorator I'd love to give this to for Christmas, as she was the inspiration for this post when she emailed me about the lovely baby Jesus and Santa that started me on the quest to find the tackiest nativities on the Interwebs.

Speaking of tacky, how about a ginormous inflatable nativity for your lawn? Now, I'm not the best with measurement, but I'm guessing this is 900 feet tall. Look at those children — they look like extras from the Munchkinland scene from the Wizard of Oz. It's funny, I recall Luke 2:11 saying "Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you," not "Today in the town of David a GIANT baby Jesus was born!" This is just creepy. Now, I must confess something here. Last Christmas my mother-in-law said she wanted to put a nativity set on her lawn and I went to work, searching high and low for this very inflatable monstrocity. Because when someone says "I'm thinking of getting a nativity," my brain goes "hmm, I wonder what the biggest, most obnoxious thing I could get would be?" That's how I am pretty much any time a friend or family member mentions something to me. I've never believed that "less is more" crap — hell no, more is more! I so wanted to set this up on her lawn for her to see when she came how from work and freak her out. Unfortunately, it was not to be. Who would have thought it would have been sold out everywhere within driving distance of Mandeville? Oh, bother.

Maybe you like your nativity on a smaller scale, say to fit on an end table. Maybe you're into aliens and stuff, well, here's an option. Yes, I know those are supposed to be lambs in the window, but they look like aliens to me. It could only be better if there were pink flamingos in the background which reminds me of our neighbors in Brunswick, GA who put up a sleigh with a green alien dressed as Santa being pulled by a few pink flamingos. Those were the days. And really, aliens have as much to do with the Christmas story as an obese old guy in a red suit. I'm just saying.

Let's get to the three nativity scenes that probably bothered me the most out of the bunch (and trust me, I left out a lot).

I find that nothing brings out the spirit of Christmas like a game of bean bag toss. This is a great way to teach the kids about Jesus. Everyone get a bean bag and throw it at the wisemen for 10 points! Why is it only 5 points for the slot above Jesus? Seems like that one would be worth more, maybe it's just me. You know a kid that plays this will one day invent the nativity slot machine with 3 wisemen in a row instead of cherries.

Here's the troll nativity. I have no words.

And I'm leaving you with the Celtic nativity. That's right. Celtic. Here's what the store blurb says, "Packaged in a
special keepsake box with the tradition of the Celtic nativity, this 6
piece cultural set is sure to become a cherished family heirloom as it
celebrates the sacred birth in Irish heritage." Say wha? The sacred birth in Irish heritage? Was Jesus Irish? Y'all, I'm a good bit Irish — I've done the research, my great (times a few dozen) grandpappy was the first mayor of County Cork, for realz. With all the time I've spent researching the geneaology and reading up on the history of Ireland, I can't believe I didn't know Jesus was Irish. Plus, the figures in this creep-city set are just busts and they're super weird. What's with the two-headed one? I think this is the worst offender in the bunch.

Okay, peeps, this is the longest post I've written in a long time, but there are a lot of pics that take up a lot of room. This post was a two day affair, started yesterday, worked on before church, and after lunch. And I have to say, at no time in the service today did our pastor mention aliens in the Christmas story or trolls or even the Irish. Next year I'll be releasing my own nativity scene with Barbie and Ken dolls, as well as one with superhero figures. Wonder Woman as Mary, Superman as Joseph, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and Flash would be the wisemen and Batman would be the shepherd. I'll have to find a tiny Superboy for Jesus, but don't worry, I'm on the case.

Christmas shopping guide: idea #5 (this looks a little familiar edition)

Y'all, I don't know whether to be flattered or frightened. Perusing my favorite blogs as I do everyday, I came to Manolo for the Big Girl, which is a funny plus-sized fashion blog that I love. Today they featured an Etsy shop, Mamacitabeadworks, and their hand-cast pewter pendants — well, you know I love the accessories, so I had to check them out. If you could have seen the look on my face when I saw this gorgeous pendant:

Um, yeah. They call this the Mamacita pendant. It looks a little familiar, I can't quite put my finger on it, hmm. Seems like I saw something like that when I stepped out of the shower this morning. Oh. Wow. I'm calling it the "looks a lot like Kerry pendant." I think I'm safe to say not many of my readers have seen me nekkid (unless those pics got out on the Interwebs), but now — well, there's really no need.

I should Photoshop some clothes on Mini Kerry over there. It's funny, I don't remember posing for jewelry line. With my memory you'd think I'd remember something like that.

I'm throwing out all my mirrors now that I can see myself in pewter form. I look great! Take that, supermodels!

Really, Mamacitabeadworks has more than my pendant, their shop is pretty cool and they even have buttons. Who makes buttons? I didn't know you could just make buttons. I thought they came from the button fairy or something.

_______________________________________________________________________

Ok, it's way late to still be up, but with the OCD, I have to finish watching this documentary I started watching on synchronized swimming. I will watch a documentary on paint drying. Docs are my fave, we go way back. I should have been a documentary film maker. I'll tell you the funniest thing I've heard all day — the synchronized swimmers pratice in front of mirrors at home and that's called "land training." THEY THINK THEY ARE FREAKIN' MERMAIDS! This is so awesome. These chicks are hard core! OMG, there is one boy in the group. Dear sweet mother of Aquaman, he wants to push for men to be able to compete in the olympics in "syncho" as he calls it. More like psycho. He swam in a duet with a girl and the routine was called Adam and Eve. No lie. I am speechless. I'll tell you what this is — this is unfreakingbelievable. I've got to watch this — enough blogging for tonight I'm totally into "syncho!" Viva la syncho!

holiday pet peeves: edition 3 (I think)

I love my Christmas tree. I love that it's prelit and it does not bother me in the least that it's artificial because I'm allergic to the real ones anyway and did I mention it's prelit? Also, the real tree was always a source of contention in my house growing up. One year my dad was all DIY and flocked the the tree himself (great plan, huh?) and my mom was furious because we could not hang a single ornament on it, the thing was so plastered with flocking. Picture a large, solid-white cone-shaped tree in a small dining room in 1980 with a crying 6 year-old (me) and 4 year-old (crazy sis), a mom with frosted hair yelling at a dad about the flocked tree in the corner about the fact that the tinsel is sliding off. Oh, that was good times!

Anytinsel, I've never been big on real trees. I know, OH, THE HORROR of an artificial tree! But I don't care. I don't have to water it and vacuum up needles and hope there isn't a squirrel or chipmunk living it just waiting for the perfect time to come out, bite me and give me rabies for Christmas. Oh, chipmunks are all cute when they're singing "Christmastime is Here" and wearing little shirts on TV, but in the wild, chipmunks are deadly ninja-like creatures with a thirst for blood. I can't risk all that. So, here's lovely pic of my fake tree in all it's splendor.

Was there really a doubt that I would have pink snowflakes and colored glittery balls on my tree? Yeah, I didn't think so. My tree has all the stuff the kids have made, our Hallmark ornaments, and everything, so it's very colorful and fun. Just like a family tree should be.

But on the other end of the spectrum is something I call "that doesn't belong on a Christmas tree." For some reason in the past decade or so, people have been putting weird stuff on their trees and it's just getting more strange. You might not be aware of this yet, as these new breeds of ornamentation have been slowly introduced in department stores from coast to coast, mingling with the regular ornaments, right under our noses. Right at the top of my list are owls. Regular readers know I hate owls, they are creepcity. But really, what the hell does an owl have to do with Christmas? You ever heard of the Christmas Owl? NO! Here's what I saw at Macy's.

Okay, I'm just going to say it people. If you want owls, skunks, mushrooms, and other woodland creatures in your tree maybe you should
have left it in the dang forest. There, I said it. That's right, leave the tree in the forest. And if you have an artificial tree, it's a downright shame to put fake owls on a fake tree. On second thought, go ahead — if anyone should put fake crap on a tree it should the artificial tree owners. Did you see that? I can change my mind. It can be done. While we're
at it, go ahead and put the Pottery Barn glittery acorns
and a shiny onion on your tree. Why on earth would you put an onion on a Christmas tree? That's the stupidest thing I've seen all day. I mean I'm familiar with the song "Glass Onion" by the Beatles, but I'm pretty sure they weren't singing about Christmas decorations.

You shouldn't have onions on your tree. You know what else you shouldn't put on your tree? Things that mix Jesus and Santa. You know what I'm talking about. I've seen many a yard with a nativity right next to a giant blow-up Santa, but this ornament takes the cake. It's kit from Oriental Trading. Now, I order stuff from OT every year for vacation Bible school, so I'm familiar with their site and I knew they would have some pretty tacky stuff for Christmas, but not Santa praying next to baby Jesus in the manger.
That's just wrong. Plus, it looks like baby Jesus is giving the thumbs up to Santa, like "hey, I know I'm the baby Savior and all, but we're cool, just bring me some sweet presents. Oh, and I know I'm Jewish, but my dad, you know — God — he's down with you bringing me a tricycle or a puppy." I'm all for the "Keep Christ in Christmas" idea, but I've been in protestant church my whole life and I'm pretty sure Santa was not at the birth of Christ. And I'm not buying that maybe he was a Wise Man, 'cause they didn't come from the North Pole and they didn't travel by reindeer either.

Now, I don't want to ruin your day with this, but I have found what are — hands down — the most disturbing Christmas ornaments I have ever seen. This is a whole 'nother category of fug. It's the mythical gay biker merman. Yes. Gay. Biker. Merman. Holding a Cosmo. Let's have a moment of silence. Okay, that's better. This is on par with the Patrick Swayze centaur tattoo. You know Clay Aiken has the collection: firefighter merman, cowboy merman, Indian merman, police officer merman, construction worker merman, and army merman. I could not make this up — I'm simply just not talented enough. It's the Village People as mermen. The site doesn't say that, but come on — it's the freakin' flockin' Village People with a few more thrown in for good measure. Y'all, I don't know whether to be in awe of the evil genius that thought of this or call the funny farm and tell them someone escaped. For realz.

Don't forget to send in your pics or videos for the Kerry Blog Ugly Ass Christmas Decoration Contest. Email the tackiest lawn in your neighborhood/town to kerrybee7@yahoo.com and I'll announce the winner on Christmas Eve. It's going to be all that and a bag of gay biker mermen! Y'all are on your own for the Cosmos, there's no open bar on the Kerry blog.

ugly is a four letter word: Jennifer’s entry in the Ugly Ass Christmas Decoration Contest

When I announced this contest I had no idea it would cause such a stir. Who knew from that as far away as across town Jennifer would take camcorder in hand and go in search of what may be the flockin' tackiest house I've ever seen (flockin': def a synonym of the F word to be used around the holidays. etymology: according to Jenn, her husband and bro-in-law invented the word in this manner — Christmas + tree + cursing = flockin').

Here in Jenn's own words is her description. Enjoy and don't forget to comment.

I remembered that one street over from mine was this house that
was decorated in years past, and lo and behold, like manna from heaven,
this is what I found.

Now this lot is no more than 75×125 and every inch of it is
covered in crap! Not only are there the inflatables, the Baby Jesus and
his peeps, animated Santa waving his hand, the blinding flashing
snowflakes but hark! What's that in the garage? A sheet of plexiglass
with a plethora of more crap! With music! (The music you hear in my
video is not from my car but their house! How would you like to live
next to these freaks?)

Oh and so much for being stealthy! I had already gotten some shots
and greedily circled back to get more and the homeowner walks out to
fix the gi-normous Frosty! Oops!

Editor's note: please note that the garage has been turned into a life-sized diorama. This better not get out to my neighbors or that kind of crap will be all over my subdivision and I'll be forced into a life of crime. I'll be the Robin Hood of Christmas decorations. I'll steal from the tacky and give to well, an undisclosed dumpster. Or I may set them up on friends lawns for fun. Or give them to a couple of my friends way up north in Bossier City to use for shooting practice. Anymisdemeanor, at least I wouldn't have to see them anymore.

Christmas shopping guide: idea #5 (you know you want these edition)

I don't know if I've introduced y'all to www.coolmompicks.com or not, but you can find great sites and products you otherwise wouldn't have known about on there. Today I stumbled on www.justjenndesigns.com, which I found while perusing the misc paper products section of Cool Mom Picks.

Do you ever feel like saying what you're thinking? What you're really thinking. You know, when that Somebody asks you to volunteer (don't get me started on how the word volunteer means you aren't asked or talked into something). Anytorture, I often send notes of thanks or notes that should be of thanks, but the person I'm writing to was more of a pain than anything else. That's why I'm ordering these notes. I particularly like the one that says "punk ass." I'm thinking of someone to send that to right now and the expression on their face would just be priceless. Oh, if I had the nerve. Knowing me, I'd write the note, address it, put the stamp on it and carry it in my purse for a year.

But, I would wear these or pin them to a scrapbook bag anyway. I used to have tons of buttons on jean jackets, but now I pin them on my scrapbook bags, 'cause that's how I roll. Again, the "punk ass" one is awesome. I also love "thug life." I'm laughing my evil genius laugh right now. I think I have to have these. Totally necessary to pimp out my bags. Check out www.justjenndesigns.com for more hilarity.

nothing says holiday like a tacky contest (with a tricked-out banner)

The pressure is on, people.

Jenn sent in the first entry in the Kerry Blog Ugly-Ass Christmas Decoration Contest. And…it's a video. She went above and beyond for this stupid contest.

If I know my readers, y'all know tacky when you see it, so get the camera and seek out the tackiest yard in your neighborhood. If you need inspiration, view the videos in the left sidebar.

Enter as many times as you wish and include a description (please no addresses of the tacky house). Yea!

Christmas shopping guide: idea #4 — arts and crafts edition

Y'all know I'm crafty (in more ways than one) and I enjoy and arts and crafts fair, when there are actual arts and crafts for sale. Let's play everyone's favorite game for our Christmas Shopping Guide today: Art or Craft?!

Let's start with what Megan and I found in the first tent.

This would be the Enchanting Aromas homemade candles. Please draw your eyes to the middle candle on the left. The scent is Butt Naked. Now, the sign says PLEASE SMELL! but there was no way I was taking a whiff of a candle with Butt in the title. Notice there are people shopping in this booth. Notice the email address starts with earoma — is it just me or does that sound like some kind of skin cancer of the ear? "Sorry, Mrs. Faler, you have an Earoma and it's reached stage 5, I'm afraid you can no longer wear earrings." That would be a devastating diagnosis. Anyroma, you won't find the Butt Naked candle at Bath and Body Works or anywhere else for that matter. Thank baby Jesus. The candles are neither art nor craft.

Moving on, what would Christmas be without toys?

A lot less creepy is my guess if you're going to give your kids troll dolls. This booth and every kind of troll doll for all your troll doll needs. And what a name for the booth: Trolls and Fun. Because trolls are clearly not fun, so you have to buy some fun to go with them. Those things are creepy and weird. I never understood the draw of the troll doll.

The trolls are neither art nor craft. They are, however creep-city and I'm pretty sure it you spend your time with troll dolls all day long you are in need of psychiatric evaluation. Trust me, it is worth checking into and I can reccommend someone if you need me to. I'm just saying.

Moving on.

Some vendors apparently think arts and crafts is a science or at least pseudo-medicine voodoo.

Not that I haven't had a masseuse that could have been called an artist, but generally, no, pressure point massage is not an art or a craft. And who goes to a craft fair and thinks, "oh, I sure could go for a massage, Louise. Oh, look, there's a masseuse!"

Wouldn't you know it, a few booths down from the pressure point massage was something I never imagined to see at an arts and crafts fair.

Of course, it's the Ye Olde Pain Relief Acupuncture booth. This is where What the Hell Friday comes into play. What the hell? Seriously, people. And no, I've never tried it because 1) I've had too many shots in my 34 year-old life and don't want to stick needles in my body for fun and B) I'm still considered sane in most states and 3) it hurts when I attempt to sew and stick myself with a needle. Do I need to remind you that I got D in home ec in middle school?

The only craft I consider acupuncture to be is witchcraft. And I didn't get a picture of the big-ass sign at the back of the booth because the gentleman in the brown jacket was blocking it. It was a big lifesize diagram of the human body and where the needles go for whatever they're trying to cure you of. At this point I was seriously doubting the legitimacy of this arts and crafts fair and Megan asked me if I'd ever been to one. Yeah, I've been to the indoor kind with real arts and crafts. Then we stumbled upon this.

Feast your eyes upon the hideousness.

The next time we're invited to a dinner party and bring the token bottle of wine I'm giving the host this lovely antler and horseshoe wine bottle holder. Don't worry, I picked up a few for Christmas gifts. I think I'll give my girlfriends one with a bottle of Boone's Farm 'cause I'm classy like that.

When Obama appoints me Ambassador of Good Taste I'm having these things banned. I'm of the belief that the only things that look good with antlers are living animals. Call me crazy, I know. We don't have any deer heads in our house or jackalopes or anything and I like it that way.

The wine holder is not an art nor a craft, it is some serious ugly.

And then we went to the food tent for lunch!

Megan's way of getting me to the arts and crafts fair was the premise that we need to find new food vendors for ScrapFest! and the best way was to sample some of the local vendors that do these kinds of events. Sounds on the level, right? Ha. Turns out Megan just wanted kettle corn, but she wouldn't pay $6 for it. So, we walked around the food tent and settled on a vendor that seemed pretty suspicious to me.

Look at all the food you can get on a stick! We both had shrimp on a stick. Another vendor had ribs on a stick, and as I told a bff today, that seems a little redundant. The shrimp were good. And my shrimp on a stick came with an eggroll and lo mein. I know, it didn't make sense to me either, but whatev. I love an eggroll. They offered a soft-shell crab sandwich, but the vendor didn't understand me when I asked what was on it, so I went with the shrimp. Moving on.

After our stick lunch, we finally found a booth worth of the arts and crafts title. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the fudge booth.

People, this is an art and a craft. One guy was making the fudge, stirring with the wooden paddle, another guy was spreading it on the other stone surface that's not in this pic. Megan and I were in awe. We decided on chocolate almond fudge. It was still warm and so yummy. They offered pumpkin pie fudge and some sort of white chocolate cranberry fudge, but I don't consider either of those to be fudge. I know, I'm picky when it comes to my fudge. It was superfantastic and I enjoyed watching the dudes make it almost as much as I enjoyed the fudge. Almost. The fudge dudes get the arts and crafts award!

Just for fun, here's a pic of something that although I would like to have, does not belong at an arts and crafts fair.

Why on earth would you bring your taser booth to the CHRISTMAS arts and crafts fair? Really. There are so many questions. And nothing says Christmas like personal protection, am I right? Suprisingly enough, I didn't overhear "hey, Thelma, there's the taser booth you were looking for!" when we were there. Shocking, I know. None of the little old ladies were lining up for tasers this morning.

I do wish there would have been a demonstration, because that might have made me buy one. I mean, I want to know my taser works, I need to test it out on something or someone, preferably not a friend or family member and a booth guy would do. The last thing I need is to buy a taser and have it fail when I need to use it on, I don't know, a kiosk person in the mall. Or a neighbor with really tacky Christmas decorations.

Speaking of, don't forget to enter the Kerry Blog Ugly-Ass Christmas Decoration Contest. Information is in the post below. Y'all have a fab weekend.

announcing the “it’s beginning to look a lot like excess” contest!

EDIT: you may submit as many entries as you wish. There is no fine print for Kerry Blog contests. Just fun. And sneaky taking of photographs. And snarky captioning. Ok, go.

Ever the industrious elf, I've decided to run a contest and even made a banner in the damn devil's creation known as Photoshop to go with it. Never say I'm not dedicated to this damn blog. I'm cursing more today than usual because of Photoshop and its infernal ways.

That's right friends and peeps, it's the Kerry Blog Ugly-Ass Holiday Decoration Contest: it's beginning to look a lot like excess. Take a photo of the tackiest house in your neighborhood and send in your entry to kerrybee7@yahoo.com. We will have a vote and the winner (loser) will be announced on Christmas Eve. Of course there will be a prize at stake, and no, I haven't thought that through and will have to decide what the prize will be. Anyreindeer, I assure you, it will be a good prize, but stop thinking it's a luxury car or something of great monetary value because I don't see Lexus or Tiffany's sponsoring the Kerry Blog anytime soon. It's not like I haven't tried, but those beotches at Lexus won't return my phone calls. So, get a move on, get your groove on and send in those tacky-ass house pictures!