announcing the 2nd annual Ugly Christmas Lawn Decor Contest

That's right. The Ugly Lawn Decor Contest is back. So, take a pic or video of the tackiest Christmas-decor-filled yard in your neighborhood and email it to me @kerrybee7@yahoo.com. The winner will be announced on Christmas Eve and will receive a Starbucks giftcard, so you can buy all the Peppermint Mochas you want for $25. I may even throw in some tinsel.

You know there is a lawn that defies the laws of hideousness, so send me the pic.

Just for fun, let's take a look at last year's winner from Jenn. Behold, the garage of Christmas life-size diorama:

so thankful

Dear Friends and Readers,

The turkey is in the oven and I've set aside a few moments in this busy day for one of my traditions. I've been making Thankfulness Lists forever, for the past few years they've been here for everyone to see. I hope that at some point today you make your list, whether on paper or in your head. But more importantly, I hope that you thank God for the blessings in your life. Whether you realize it or not, you are blessed. You are blessed to be breathing, laughing, crying, celebrating, hurting, talking, and living. Each day is a blessing, good or bad. I wish you a happy Thanksgiving surrounded by the people you love most.

The Annual Kerry Blog Thankfulness List

I am thankful for…

my God

my husband and all that he does for our family

our children and all the frustration and happiness they bring me

the greatest friends a girl could ever have, each one special to me for so many reasons

my parents and grandparents for their strength and love

my extended family for the characters they are

my church family

love, without love there is nothing

honesty

forgiveness when I need it

hope, because sometimes that is all we have

kindness, because it shows you care

the power of words

music

memories

laughter

and you.

Love,

happy Thanksgiving week

If this were the radio, I’d say it’s a special long-distance dedication.

http://d3gkbha1s7sr56.cloudfront.net/usercards/someEcards-v4.swf

I’m onto you, halloween punks

It's Halloween and you know what that means — by the end of the night I'll be beyond aggravated about something unexpected as usual. Last year the unexpected came from teenagers who came to my door on skateboards with open backpacks muttering "trick or treat." They wore Hurley shirts and caps backward and mumbled. I asked what they were supposed to be, they replied "skateboarders." Punks. They were not in costume. I guarantee they were on their backyard ramp at dusk when all the kids in the neighborhood started roaming in costume and the punks decided they wanted in on the free candy game.

Well, not this year, punks.

That's right, teenagers. If you come to Mrs. Faler's house you're getting pencils, staples, and some random chargers from old cell phones. If you're lucky I may throw in frozen waffles. If you're fourteen you're too old to trick or treat. You should be at a Halloween party or at a horror movie or doing something that could possibly get you brought up on charges of vandalism (not that I'm suggesting illegal activities here on the Kerry Blog). What I'm saying here is this: you teenagers need to get a life. Go to the Walgreens and buy a bag of candy, then hang out with friends tonight, don't come to my house with backpacks.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll have emo teenagers at the door this year dressed in regular everyday clothes and when I ask what they're supposed to be, they will say the kids from Twilight. I'm not buying that either, teenagers. I'm onto you.

welcome to creep city

When I was a kid, there was always that one house that went a little overboard at Halloween. It seems now that I'm an adult (shudder) that overboard is new normal with everything. Decorations for holidays, fundraising, birthday parties, activities, you know — everything. When I was a kid, that one house played spooky music when you went up to ring the bell and and there were fake cobwebs (at least I think they were fake), a couple of jack-o-lanterns, and maybe a plastic skeleton on the door.

These days it's a multi-headstone graveyard on the scale of the set of the "Thriller" video, sans the Michael Jackson zombie (but we're still a few days from Halloween, there is still time). The other day I decided to drive around my neighborhood to check out the Halloween decorations and had to stop the car, mouth ajar to look at some of the houses. Today I took the camera.

Think of this as my Halloween treat for you, readers.

We'll start out with the tame and progress from there (click the pics to make them superhumongous!).

This house has your basic scary 15 foot skeleton guy, cobwebs, and stuff. Yes, this is tame in my 'hood.

More of the same, but looks like Skeletor got a hold of some of my old maternity undies and ripped them to shreds. What's your prob, Skeletor?

I hate it when I forget to bury one of the dead and leave him out on the lawn like that. How embarrassing.

Neighborhood cemeteries just aren't as scary in the daytime.

Now we're talking creep city. When you erect extra trees on which to strew moss and put up a rickety fence, that's creep city. You can't even see all the stuff! Here's a close up of the bat hanging behind the mailbox.

If I had a prize, this house would win. Of course, I'd be too scared to go up and ring the doorbell to give it to them, but it's the thought that counts, right?

making Father’s Day a little easier

Yesterday after reading every Father's Day card that Target had, I decided there has to be something out there for the rest of us. Are you familiar with the typical Father's Day card? Most of them have a picture of a sailboat or a lighthouse with a sentiment like this, "To my Wonderful Dad on Father's Day. You taught me how to tie my shoes and ride a bike, but the most important thing you taught was how to love." Or there is a picture of a man's feet with little girl feet standing on his shoes and it says, "Daddy, I'll always be your little girl no matter how grown up I am. Happy Father's Day." These types of traditional Father's Day cards make me want to throw up.

It's not that I have a bad relationship with my dad, it's that I don't have a that kind of relationship with him. The truth is, I didn't have much of a relationship with my dad until my parents divorced three years ago and he started speaking for himself. We talk on the phone once or twice a week and he tells me what he's been up to, which is usually working and going to Nicky's on two for one enchilada night with his girlfriend, then we usually talk about a couple of amusing relatives. It's good times. My dad is a regular guy who works hard for a living and doesn't have any real hobbies. He doesn't play golf, doesn't grill, doesn't care about football, and doesn't wear ties unless he's forced to. He's not one for a great deal of sentiment and I've never found the right sentiment for him in a card — and for some reason, this year was especially hard. I ended up buying a card that said "To the King of the Road, Happy Father's Day." By the way, my dear old dad is a truck driver, more specifically, he is a "route salesman" for the big dairy in my hometown, but that's a fancy schmancy word for truck driver.

There was every type of Father's Day card except for the non-mushy card. There were expectant dad cards, new dad, step-dad, grandpa, papa, grandad, "to my son on Father's Day," "to my mom on Father's Day," and my favorite "you're like a dad to me." I thought about getting the last one just for fun. There was even a Father's Day card from the cat or dog. When I saw the card from the cat I said WTF outloud in the presence of children. I apologize, I'm not proud of that, but I couldn't help it and yes, I said the words, not the acronym. So, I grabbed the king of the road card and mumbled to myself on the way to the check-out, vowing to make a line of honest Father's Day cards for The Rest of Us.

I think I'll call my card line Cards for the Rest of Us, which could mean whatever you want it to. I'm debuting my Father's Day line here on The Kerry Blog, feel free to clip and print for your own use, royalty free 'til Hallmark comes calling, bitches!

This is the first card, which I put on my Facebook page yesterday. It's short and to the point.

My friend Shannon suggested that maybe the above card was a little too mushy, so here is the bare-bones version, just right for your dad and any dad you know. And if you're visiting your dad at the county jail, this is perfect.

For those of you looking for a little more sentiment, this is the card for you. It can be taken any number of ways. I would let it speak for itself.

This card is just great for those "regular guy" dads like mine. Self-explanitory is the best way to go.

My friend Jennifer made a special request for a card and I hope this one covers all the bases. I thought the hammer added that nice passive-aggressive touch I'm always looking for in greeting card.

And lastly, this card is truly for the rest of us.

Y'all have a great weekend. Check the blog Sunday for an extra special Father's Day edition.

xxxooo,
Kerry

happy Easter, peeps

Happy Easter to you. I hope you have a blessed holiday with family and friends. I'll be attending Easter services with the fam, then making a ham, spring pea risotto, and asparagus for lunch. And carrot cake. Carrot cake is a must on Easter, the Easter Bunny says so.

And I'm sure at some point I'll spend time thinking about what this holiday means to me. As a child growing up Protestant, I found Eastertime to be quite the interesting season. For weeks ahead of time there were preparations made in the way of Easter dresses and shoes and bonnets for my sister and I. Our dresses were always in pastel shades of yellow, pink, green, or blue and our shoes were always white. Palm Sunday was a big deal at church, like the trailer before the big show. What I remember most about those Easter services were the lillies that lined the front altar. Through little girl eyes it seemed like a thousand Easter lillies, but I'm sure it was closer to 75. There was always a contata on Easter Sunday, a big musical service with bunches of hymns and I could never keep up with what page in the hymnal the music minister said to turn to. The whole sanctuary singing in unison in their Easter finest was a sight to behold. I loved it.

What I didn't understand was what my beautiful Easter service had to do with the bunny who had broken into our house and filled my Easter basket with trinkets and candy. Even as a little girl I was cynical and suspicious. It didn't make much sense that we celebrated our risen Savior by hiding eggs, even if the eggs contained candy.

I never bought the whole Easter Bunny thing. Somehow as a child, the magic Santa made sense, but a giant bunny delivering stuff was proposeterous. Rabbits don't even have pockets, how were they supposed to bring me jelly beans? See? Ridiculous.

Even now, as a mom of three, I don't go crazy filling the kids' baskets because I want them to focus on the miracle of Jesus, not a make believe rabbit with candy and stuff. Plus, Molly caught on last year at age seven. She admitted she didn't think a bunny was responsible for filling their baskets because as she said, "mom, bunnies don't have money or elves to make Webkinz." I can't argue with logic.

And if someone wishes me a "hoppy Easter" I reserve the right to punch them in the face. Be forewarned, I hate that. I know that's not very Christian of me, but I have warned you. Happy Easter.

http://www.someecards.com/usercards/someEcards.swf

a Valentine story (or one reason why Kerry doesn’t drink)

Once upon a time when I was a young 19 year-old at Louisiana Tech, Scott and I had been dating for almost two months before Valentine's Day and I was looking forward to the big day with my boyfriend. Scott had planned the whole evening — ordered great Italian take-out and had driven to Grambling to buy champagne. For those of you unfamiliar with the town of Ruston (home of LA Tech), it was a dry town — dry, damp — I don't know, you couldn't buy booze, just beer. And drinking definitely wasn't allowed on campus. Oh, well.

Anyliquor, Scott turned his dorm room into romance central and I was pretty impressed. He poured champagne into fluted glasses and we had a wonderful dinner. He gave me a book of Shakespeare's sonnets and roses and poured more champagne, it was a great Valentine's date. I had never had champagne and didn't have a clue that drinking a few glasses (or 5, I wasn't counting) would be so potent. I'm not sure what Scott had planned for the rest of the evening, probably something wholesome like playing Scrabble or watching The Sound of Music, but his plans were dashed when I passed out.

I have been inebriated twice in my life. Valentine's Day 1994 was the first instance.

The dorm rules required girls to be out by midnight, so Scott woke me up at 11:55 and drove me to my dorm. Let me illustrate this for you: his dorm was on the 3rd floor and he helped me walk downstairs and put me in his Maxima, then drove me 50 YARDS to the back door of my dorm. I was so drunk I couldn't walk 50 yards, y'all. Sad. I remember sitting in Scott's car and him talking me through how I would walk to the second floor of Dudley. I don't know how long it took me to make it to my room, but I know it took me a long time to figure out how to work the lock on the door. I don't remember what I did after opening the door.

My roommates were gone for the weekend, which turned out to be a good thing. I woke up the next morning feeling like crap and looking like death. I sat up in my bed and wondered where my pajamas were because I was only wearing undies and my eyelashes were glued shut from sleeping in my eye makeup. It was a proud moment. I put on my robe, got my bath caddy, and took a shower, hoping to wash off some of the effects of champagne, but pear bodywash was no match for cheap champagne. While I was washing my hair I realized I wasn't wearing my watch, which I never took off (still never take off my watch). When I got back to my room I saw what a weird disarray it was in. I started looking for my watch and the jewelry I had worn the night before and couldn't find either. Eventually I started to feel a little more myself and straightened up the room, started studying, talked on the phone — but I felt naked without my watch, so I went back to the great jewelry hunt. I found my watch, earrings, bracelet, and pearl ring in the little trash can by my desk area. Who doesn't come in from a hot date and throw their jewelry away?

And that is the tale of Kerry and Scott's first Valentine's Day together and my first experience with alcohol. It's not earth-shattering, but it's mine and I think it's kind of funny.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. I hope you spend today with someone you love or thinking about the one you love or something. I'm going to take the kids out to eat, since Scott's out of town, then I may get wild and watch the Valentine's marathon on Oxygen! Hope it doesn't get too rowdy and no one calls the cops! xxxooo — K

what the hell Friday: things that aren’t romantic for Valentine’s day

Dear Male Readers,

As a public service, I'm giving you Valentine advice because I've spoken with your wives and girlfriends. The word on the street is you need to tighten up on the gift-giving and "romantic" ideas this Valentine's Day. Don't get me wrong, we (women in general) are thrilled you take the time to order flowers online, but The Kerry Blog is here to help with some advice if you have not already made Valentine's Day plans (and if you haven't made plans, seriously? it's the 13th — Valentine's Day is the 14th every year, it's not like it can sneak up on you).

First, let's examine what not to do tomorrow. If you've purchased/planned any of the following, just stop — unless you're a fan of disappointed/angry women.

Petals on the bed/carpet. For realz? Don't sprinkle petals that we will have to clean up later and that may possibly stain the duvet or carpet. Anything we will have to take the time to clean is not romantic, even if it is momentarily pretty.
Lingerie that could be used as floss, a kite string, or a bungee cord. Just — no, just don't.
If you will be purchasing lingerie at least find out what size your wife/girlfriend wears. I truly don't know what's worse — getting something that's too small or getting something that could be used as a car cover 'cause you think we wanna rock the granny panty lingerie.
A few words on flowers: some women like flowers, some do not. Take 5 minutes to get your loved one's view on the subject and find out what she likes. My hubs has figured out that I do not like red roses, I prefer pink. The truth is, I can't stand red, I think they smell like death and that's not a good think on Valentine's Day. Or any other day, really. I'm not a big fan of flowers, honestly. Unless they happen to be part of the fabric on my Valentine's present to myself — the Brighton Lilly bag. And here's another tip on flowers from Kerry: don't be a fool and only get one rose because you think that's romantic for some reason — it just makes you look cheap. Cheap is not good. And tip #2 at no additional charge: don't buy one of those silk roses with the fake dew on them or any fake flowers for that matter. Fake flowers are for headstones. And for the love of all things good, don't get the panties rolled up and stuck on a fake rose stem pretending to be a damn rose. There is a word for that and the word is tacky.
Forget the chocolates in the big red heart box at Walgreens and go to Godiva. Note: Walgreens doesn't exactly scream Valentine's Day, neither does the dollar store.
No stuffed animals. Ever. I don't care if it's a big ass teddy bear holding a big ass diamond ring, just give the ring and forget the bear. Adults do not need stuffed animals. And they harbor dust mites for goodness sakes.
Balloons are for birthday parties.
We don't want to go to a sporting event on Valentine's Day. Do not be fooled into thinking Valentine's Day is about you, it's not. I don't care what you've heard, this holiday was invented by women so we'd get some good pressies. We just want to be taken to dinner, maybe a movie, a play, something nice — not the damn Monster Truck Jam at the arena or a basketball game.
Do not make dinner unless you're going to clean up the mess. This really needs no further explanation, does it?
And finally, do not buy us anything with a cord unless it was specifically asked for as a Valentine gift. If your wife mentioned last week that she'd like a new vacuum, she doesn't mean she wants one for Valentine's Day. And just because the Dyson vacuum comes in pink, that doesn't make it a Valentine gift.

Hopefully you've learned something from today's lesson on the holiday. If I hear you've taken your wife to Barnhill's Buffet for dinner and then to boat show afterward I will have no choice but to display your picture and ridicule you in Blogland. There is just no excuse for a bad Valentine's Day. Make me proud and get her something nice. And I don't mean a fake Louis Vuitton either.

xxxooo,

Kerry

(please please please) be my Valentine

A few weeks ago I wrote a guest post for my friend Will Maranto's blog (a quite enjoyable blog you should check out) about writing and my love for a certain typewriter I'm coveting and right now I'm thisclose to getting it. Yes, I know, I'm usually the tech girl and this is way low-tech, being that it's manual, but the 1969 Olivetti Valentine typewriter is a thing of beauty. I'm just hoping some punk or hussy doesn't come drive up the price on my Valentine's Day gift to myself.

I'm not going to go into why I need this typewriter, just know that I need it.

Look at those keys.

You did notice it's red, didn't you?

Did I mention the case it comes with doubles as a wastepaper bin? Genius.

And it says "valentine" right on the front to remind me of how smitten I am with this machine.

If for some reason I am outbid on the Olivetti Valentine, I will assume one of my readers has purchased it for me as a "your blog is the bestest in all of blogdom" Valentine gift.

On a completely different note, I wouldn't usually ask my dear readers to come to the aid of any causes (because I know all my wonderful peeps are charitable to start with), but if you live in the area and have the resources, the Covington Food Bank may have to close at the end of the week if it doesn't get any food donations. If you are able to help, it would make a make a very real difference in someone's life. Not to get on a soap box, but the recession is hitting home for a lot of people and I don't see the $800 billion stimulus package feeding anyone this week and I still haven't received my damn free unicorn either. Here's more on the Covington Food Bank if you would like to help.

http://www.wwltv.com/topstories/stories/wwl020809cbfoodbank.3048199f.html